Birthday!

21!

Finally, haha. I spent the day shopping with the Boo and I was happy to have him as a shopping buddy. I didn't buy a whole lot; two sweaters, a hoodie, a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes, plus random things from Bath and Body Works. I put myself on a budget and I have plenty of money left over from Christmas/Birthday because of it. I'm happy with what I bought though.

It's another year for me and New Years is in four days. It's about time for some proactive change for the rest of my life. I'm looking to develop and cultivate myself for 2009 and better my relationship with myself and others.

I've been blessed, I really have. I'm thankful for so much: friends, family, the Boo, school, shelter, food, clothes, and the means to satisfy wants AND needs. It's been another year, and I'm going strong.

It's Christmas Eve!

I love Christmas. I'm never happier during this time of year.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, or your belief's equivalent, because that's how I roll.

And... I'm pretty sure I'm going to learn the dance to Thriller. Yea :)

Update!

So, it has been a very long while. A few updates:

I beat Crisis Core. It was... Beautiful. I liked having the chance to see what went on before one of my favorite games of all time. I understand VII so much more now. The last scene between Cloud and Zack was amazing. I understand a bit more of Aeris' character, too. There were things I didn't catch during my first play of VII that are a lot more clear now, the relationship between Zack, Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Sephiroth especially.

Q and I are in a relationship. Believe me when I say I didn't see it coming. It's interesting adjusting to the no longer single life. I don't feel that loneliness I felt before. I realize that I don't have all the relationship experience in the world (so I wonder if any of my advice is going to change...), so I'm trying to take this one step at a time, emotionally anyway. We've covered all the other bases.....

Anyway, I'm continuing my venture into 30 Rock. Episode 3 was pretty good. The show is starting to live up to its reputation, and I don't feel myself forcing as many laughs. The pilot almost lost me, but now I'm glad I stayed on. Heroes is almost over for this part of the season and I really just don't know what's going to happen, but I can't wait! I'm about to watch the Total Drama Island Finale. Go Gwen!

I need to keep this regular, and I want to. Here's to trying :)

A Few Things...

So, I'm pretty sure I've reached the one year mark. I was going to make a special anniversary post and everything haha! But, alas, I didn't. The blog has still been here for a year, though. So, woo, one year!

I've started writing in my journal again. I had one from four, yes, four years ago that I barely wrote in. So, it's going to fill up one of these days. I was just so upset over the Q thing that I had to put my feelings somewhere (Remember: I don't always talk to people about my problems). I even started my first post just like Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, because, unfortunately, they are pretty damn close to the truth.

So, I don't know what to do with the blog. The whole reason I started it was to put a voice to some of the things I had been feeling. The journal, though, is a lot more therapeutic.

At any rate, I get to eat lunch with one of my favorite and most dear people in the world: Mama C. Seriously, she's a year younger than me but she has a lot of insight and is able to help me with problems in ways other people can't. I also get to meet up with a new prospect, otherwise known as L. I think today is going to be a good day.

Old friends and a (possibly) new boy

Take Your Sweet Time

I was honest.

I said that I'm constantly trying to reconcile my feelings for him with the fact that we are choosing to be friends. I either want to be around him or by myself. And I don't feel bad.

I'm not always terribly honest about my feelings because I'm scared of being hurt. I'm used to being rebuffed when I say how I feel, and that carries. I'm trying to stop being scared of that outcome though. I could be considered crazy, emotional, or whatever, and that very well could be the case. Still, I don't feel bad.

More than anything, I'm glad I got it off my chest. It was painful; it was a distraction. And, for the most part, it's gone. I have the rest of my day, and life, to live.

There should be no regrets when you say how you honestly feel. And there aren't any.

Breaking Point

I'm a weak and vulnerable human being.

But at least I'm growing to be an open and honest weak and vulnerable human being.

More on that later.

Something Everyone Needs to Know

Psychic Energy

Oooo. Haha, no, nothing mystical, supernatural, or superhuman. Psychic energy involves, basically, energy of the mind, the amount of energy you put into tasks, thoughts, etc.

As an introvert, I draw energy from within and find it taxing to be around too many people for long periods of time. As I've mentioned before, it's hard to be around a small group consistently without going crazy. I need and have to take time for myself to think, to recharge, recoup, relax, that kind of deal.

Tonight, I asked Q if he wanted to go eat with me and he said sure. We get there and I pick a table that, by the time we left, is packed. That's my bad. I like being enclosed, but not surrounded. Anyway, two of our friends come over, which was okay, but I would've preferred just eating with Q unless things like that were established. I'm really weird about that kind of stuff. They had more people with them, whom I didn't really want to eat with, so they had to move, and if I wanted to move, I would've gone with them, but I didn't. So one of the friends is communicating across the way with Q through signals and what not and I found myself pissed. Maybe because the spotlight wasn't on me. At any rate, I almost spoke up and said, "You can go sit with them. I'm not stopping you." Like I said, it just made me angry. So, we leave, and I feel not only angry, but like a freaking puppy dog (completely irrational). So, needless to say, I was very happy when we left.

By the time I got back to my room, I was still slightly angry, and I attribute it to the fact that I may have spent a bit more energy than I intended to in the first place. I expected a quiet dinner alone with a friend and felt like I got the exact opposite. I don't like when I'm around people and I feel like they're paying more attention to people that are around than me. I don't like being around a ton of people to begin with, even if I love Christmas at the mall (remember: enclosed, not surrounded).

Whatever, I'm spending my weekend alone, which was the plan. So, I begin my foray into recharge mode. Hook me up :)

Christianity as a Closet

How many gay men and women have we met that fought their sexuality so long through Christianity? We really can't say, because we don't always know. But what strength lies in hiding your homosexuality inside of Christianity? You open the closet and it's there; staring at you. It's like that sweater you can't take back. It's always lingering somewhere in the back of the closet, no matter how hard you try to tuck it back.

Honestly, I find this counter-intuitive. Extremely. When I was younger, trying to use religion as a means of keeping my sexuality a secret caused me more pain than good. Now, I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm gay AND I believe in God. Sometimes you just have to ask :). Joke aside, whether you choose to adopt a gay lifestyle or acknowledge your sexuality and choose a life of celibacy, I don't see the shame in hiding yourself from you. You have to learn to embrace him or her in everything he or she is, good and bad. It's psychologically healthy. Jung's archetype, the shadow, is everything bad we see about ourselves. We can't move forward if we don't embrace the shadow. This doesn't mean coming out with the intensity of a pride parade, but it does mean looking at yourself and saying "I'm gay" and taking it from there. Once it's over, you realize just how simple that is. I understand that family and friends may react negatively; that is always a possibility. As far as that is concerned, do it when you know it's safe. There's a difference between hiding your whole life and hiding until you can handle it.

I'm a firm believer that God can and will love you, no matter what. I'll see my good atheist and agnostic friends in Heaven, or the lack thereof, just like I'll see my gay friends too. And if there's a huge void when we die, well, we can rest easy into the darkness, but I digress. So, why use something that will cause you pain when you choose to hide in it instead of embracing it with who you are completely?

It took me a while to figure it out, and I made peace with my life. I hope you can find that peace with who you are too.

Love.

Savvy

With the election a little more than a week away, I decided I'd spend some time looking up the candidates. I know it's a little late, but I want to be more than sure about my choice. I've pretty much decided who I'm going to vote for, but he's not who I'm going to research.

That's right, I'm going to hit up some McCain info. I decided that my negative bias towards him isn't founded in any true information, so, why not make sure that it is. You know, keeping enemies closer, and I use that term veeeeeery loosely. That being said, I don't know where to start. Wiki's credibility is shot. I can use that for comics, but for political information I want to know as much as possible from a credible source. Needless to say, I'm not going to look at his campaign site. That's where I started, then quickly realized that any information on him is going to be put in a positive light. It's only going to mention the good things he did, not the things that will piss me off. So, no go.

I think what I'm going to do is just hunt for some stuff, find as much information as possible to, like I said, make sure my decision is the one I am comfortable with.

Spending Time Alone

I keep realizing why it's important for me to take some time for myself and think constructively. I start existing outside myself and handling my problems positively, instead of that emotionally debilitating way.

At a book sale a couple of weeks ago I picked up a book entitled When Am I Going to Be Happy?. Of course, I consider myself a relatively healthy human being, but everyone has their troubles. What I found is it helps to pinpoint your problems to efficiently handle them. I've started to realize a lot of things about myself, as well as think about issues that have been around for a while. I am noticing where the problem starts with me instead of someone else.

Q is the best example. I didn't communicate with him at all yesterday, and at some points I did start to think that he doesn't care if I don't talk to him or he doesn't miss me or what have you. When I thought rationally, I realized that's one day we didn't talk to each other. The harm is...? Absolutely nothing. If he's taking time to be by himself, that's his right. I didn't talk to him either; the mutuality that is communication holds accountability on both sides. Quite honestly, I didn't feel like talking to him. If he felt the same, that's his right. Of course, it's not as easy conquering emotions and trying to think objectively, but I'm learning how.

That's What You Get

When you date boys. No, really, it's true!

Why do I keep saying that the closer I get to a boy the more my stress level goes up? Because that, too, is true. Here's the skinny:

Q has taken the time to go off and do his own thing, which is good. He lives his life, and I'm not that much a part of it. It's not easy to get used to hanging out every night then suddenly stopping for who knows what reason. I'm starting to feel like that's something I should do, as well. It's not easy to see him beyond certain scopes, because to do so makes falling for him even worse. I have to keep him in this certain perspective to keep myself in control, and I'm starting to wonder if that's healthy.

TB randomly sends me messages every now and then. Now, sometimes they involve class since we have the same one, just at different times. But, every now and then, he'll make some weird comment, like last night's "I still like you" which prompted a very curt "What?". That was the point where I threw up my hands and said "Ok, screw this. Time to focus on being single. Possibly forever." And I was almost serious.

So, in the words of Paramore, "That's what you get" when you date anything with a penis. It's very confusing and often unpleasant.

Haha :D

Yellow

I know something is wrong with me when I even think of "Yellow" by Coldplay and I almost start crying.

Well, quite honestly, I don't know where to go from there. I had this lingering fear that Q was going to just call it quits today (remember, we're not in a relationship), because he asked to eat lunch together, just us. I'm so on edge that I'm anticipating the day when he says "This probably needs to stop." Which isn't so healthy...

What we have, even if it's not a relationship, is comforting. I like it. But I'm so being defensive, as a dream pointed out to me, that I'm scared of it ending and I'm acting like HE is readily going to hurt me. I'm learning to trust, and it really is a journey. He deserves my trust. All best are off, and I can genuinely trust that he'll be honest with me. That's a little more impressive, and important, than you may think.

It's just... I miss him. I saw him for an hour today since Friday, and I didn't see him that long that day either. I miss him a lot, and he knows. *sigh*

Alone with God

Today, I had to take some time to be alone. With the Q situation, us spending more time together, I'm finding that I'm leaving a lot of things on the wayside, God included. I went out, cleaned my car, bought some random items, and came back to my room, alone.

Part of my personal and spiritual journey is learning how and when to be alone. I find myself clinging to others, whether romantically or otherwise, because I either feel the need to see as many people as possible or because, even if I don't admit it, I don't always like being by myself, often forgetting that it's okay.

I came back to my room and knelt in prayer for the first time in a long time. My prayer wasn't long, it wasn't verbose; it was simple, genuine, heartfelt, and sincere. I asked for forgiveness, I gave gratitude for those who love me; I asked for strength, courage, wisdom, compassion, guidance, and a heart that will be the light to others. I asked for love, not for a significant other, but for love and compassion to show the world, not for someone else to show me. My mind was quiet and focused in prayer, as it needed to be. And you know what? My heart does feel lighter.

I'm still learning how to be alone, still learning how to truly love God. I'm growing, just as I need to be. I shouldn't be afraid to thank him, so I won't. Thank you Lord, truly.

Thank you.

Breaking the Spell

So it has been a long time, almost a whole month. I'm still here, I promise. I just have a couple of things to sort out:

a) My current relationships and
b) How much of my life I put into this blog

I know the latter is my choice, and what I choose to put here is what I very damn well please and if someone wants to bitch they can (says the man with a "secret" blog). The first, well, I think that's sorting itself out like it always does. Basically, I went crazy and got insecure when what I needed was some time away. It's okay to spend time away from the ones you love. I happen to need that me-time.

So, since I have to go to bed early, I promise you a post tomorrow.

Okay....

What the fuck guys, WHAT THE FUCK?!

I guess I'm supposed to figure out everything for myself. No one has to tell me a damn thing. Well, I know what's going on now, but not because anyone told me.

I know it's selfish, but it's justified.

I'm waiting for someone to tell me I'm wrong, absolutely wrong, that I should be worrying about my friends instead of myself. I can't figure out, though, what's right or what's justified. I only believe I'm justified because I feel slighted, but my own issues have at least some relevance here.

Make no mistake, as much as I'm angry, I feel just as much for my friends. I didn't expect this, and I can't say anyone else did either. I just wish someone would talk to me, or do I need to start asking questions?

Let me know what's going on, keep me clued in. If we're calling ourselves a circle, don't just leave this tangent point. Do you see what I mean, where I'm coming from, and why I'm so pissed?

You know, I just don't know anymore. A dynamic is broken and I fear some of my closest relationships are being severed.

Issues

Recently, my roommate and his girlfriend have been at odds (???) I guess you can say. I phrase it like that because, well, I don't know what the hell is going on. All I know is things are weird. Usually she's in the room every night, but she's been staying in her own room lately and the roomie is almost no where to be seen.

The issues that arise?
a) C is visibly upset and has been for the past few days. We don't have the kind of the relationship where she comes to me and vice versa for advice, though I would consider us close.
b) Like I said, I don't know what the hell is going on, and it's been bugging me for a while
c) G knows and so does B, and I found this out when G conveniently takes me out of the room so B and C can talk, and I tell her she doesn't have to stay out with me (I'd just play on my phone) so they go talk and close the door and I'm in their living area watching tv
d) G doesn't want to tell C's business as she puts it, but I walk in one day while she and W are talking and they get quiet and mention a, literally A, mundane thing during the short while I'm there, so I assumed (also risking making myself to be a bigger ass) that they were talking about the aforementioned issue
e) This leads to the dilemma of me not knowing a damn thing, per usual (I just wanted to say that :D). So on top of being worried about C and D and whatever the hell is going on, I'm getting pissed because yet again I'm on the outside of some freaking loop, except this time, IT'S ACTUALLY IMPORTANT!

I understand if C doesn't want to tell me, because I've been in that situation before, but for G to go out of her way to make sure I don't hear anything and then to (once again, assuming) tell W just pisses me off. I'm tired of being around and having people shuffle to other rooms to talk about some apparently secret bullshit. Just writing about it here is starting to make me angry. This isn't just some mild paranoia; I feel like I'm being alienated and like I never know what's going on. I thought this shit was over and I was being delusional, but that may not be true.

It's a little hard to be rational right now.

Ain't No Feeling Like Being...

Scenario:

You meet someone who's pretty damn close to that boy you've always wanted to meet. He's witty, intelligent, cute. The only drawback is that he smokes (which has nothing to do with the scenario at large).

He doesn't want a relationship (guess where I'm going).

You've slept together, you know, in "that" way. You get all cutesy and cuddly and slightly flirtatious, but there are still things you'd fix about this whole situation.

Now, for two people sleeping together, what are you? Are you a couple by merit? Are you just "friends with benefits"? And, more importantly, what will you be? Where does this end?

He says he doesn't form emotional attachments well, he's not interested in a relationship (because he's young, 19, and he's been there before), but you are the exact opposite in those respects.

To me, the most logical answer is: stop. Stop before YOU get hurt. You're going to be respectful of him by not sleeping with anyone else, but it's foolish to believe he's going to do the same. People without limitations take advantage of that. Even people WITH limitations take advantage of that. This whole thing spells disaster if you stay. Because, well, if he's not sleeping with anyone, if he's just sleeping with you, why isn't it a relationship?

Is there such a thing as an exclusive friend with benefits? I guess so, but I'm of the general opinion that any two people sleeping together that aren't in a relationship aren't bound by any rules, which is why this is going to be a really shitty situation for you before long. You'll fall in love, or even just in like, and he won't. Simple. It's hard to trust someone when all bets are off, even though you want to.

If you want me, take me. I'm not waiting til you want a relationship. I'm not waiting at all. I'm not going to start doing other people if I'm with you in any way, but I will end whatever... Thing this is. I'm missing out on you by not being with you, and I'm missing out on my world by not doing what I really want to.

Sorry I just put you on blast.

So, in the end, and in the words of Destiny's Child:

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart's in the right place

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When you've done all you could
But was misunderstood
It's all good

Ain't no feelin' like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
Finally I'm looking out for me

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart is in the right place. Yea.

Ain't no feelin' like being free

The Way That Seems Right Leads to Death

On my infrequent sojourn into that good book we all know as the Bible this morning, I came across a verse:

Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death

Of course, I thought nothing but of my own personal covenant with God. The point where I realized that no, you can't pray the gay away, is where things took a turn (seemingly) for the better. I stopped crying and I went to God in prayer, and I said:

Dear Lord,
I come to you, realizing that this "change" is pretty permanent. But, instead of fighting another useless fight, I want to try something new. I want to show you that I can live my life for you (note: developing story), all the while not forsaking the nature that you've given me. I don't believe I can truly be happy while trying my whole life not to be gay. There are countless other sins that don't involve the nature of a man or woman, that, while difficult, can still be discarded. What happiness is there in denying oneself? Am I missing the message in sacrificing life for you? What I'm trying to say is, I want to be happy. And I'm going to try. With you there, but not as a man hiding himself from the world.

Of course, artistic liberties have been taken considering that prayer is years old. What got me thinking even more about that was when I searched for that verse on the net. I found an essay, which could've easily been a sermon. While it did make sense and I found myself relating to most of it, the last point was jarring: once we leave morality delegated by the Bible, we begin to rely on human reasoning and mark our paths into Hell.

I don't know if I can really take that to heart, at all. The Bible can be just as hurtful as it is helpful, which could explain my very awkward and painful teenage years. Trying to cope with the message of God while trying to understand yourself in anyway isn't always easy unless you're born a WASP, in my opinion. And I don't think that people use the Bible as the universal, in every sense of the word, moral guide because we often get things wrong, as I could be doing right now, and innocents get hurt because of that.

Sometimes, this seems right. But did God intend for me to live a life of depression and self-restriction so I can be closer to him? Is it not possible to find a man to love in the light of God? How is this supposed to work...?

I'd feel like I was letting myself down if I chose to completely live for God, let go of the homosexuality and everything, but am I letting him down by living for him and trying to live for myself all the same?

Consider this sacrilege or not, but there is a very good reason that I choose to cling to God instead of man or the "word."

Things to Consider

Originally, I had come up with a pretty interesting idea while brushing my teeth. Then I forgot it and could only remember that it had to do with the duality of something or other. So, today, I bring you this post:

I'm insensible. We all know this. I can be impulsive, stupid, and prone to just going by my emotions and letting them cloud my judgment (which is ironically pretty intact). So, with any new romantic situation I find that there's a lot of purpose in me remaining single.

I'm getting close, but I still haven't learned to truly be "by myself." I know what it feels like, but I don't know the full security of being single and alone, and not in that usually painful way. I still get upset at unreturned txts or calls. I still get jealous for no reason at all when I have no need to be. I don't think I'm as strong as I want to be or could be. Not should be, no one "should" be anything, should is a very very bad word.

I realized within this past week that I still need to:
a) Grow more comfortable with myself
b) Keep priorities in line (which includes the hierarchy of interaction, i.e. family over friends over love interests, so on and so forth)
c) Stay focused on things that are not only important, but that don't distract me in any way, form, or fashion.

Instead of worrying about some damn boy, I need to surround myself with friends and the people that matter. It's so easy for me to get lost in the land of almost-romance, because the land of romance is incredibly elusive and will more than likely take a change of habit, thought, and behavior (yes). Too often I allow my world to change for someone else or how they made me feel. This, my fair readers *cricket*, is what needs to change.

In the words of Destiny's Child:

"Time is of the essence and it's much to short to waste another minute on you. While you're steady telling lies, I'm packing, saying 'Bye.' I thought you were my dream come true."

So, here begins the rest of my day, sans boy-stress.

Amen.

The Relationship Dilemma

For a while now, I've been single. In fact, after next Tuesday, it will be one calendar year. Of course, I've had my almosts, my sortas, my one date, and a slew of what I consider to be failures. Sometimes, I don't like being single. Other times, I revel in the fact that I don't have the tether known as a relationship. What I constantly find though is that when faced with a relationship, I face the inevitable question of "Do I need a relationship?"

I'm 20. In a few months I'll be 21. I should be doing crazy things and having crazy fun with lots of people. Right? Wrong. I know that life won't make me happy, so I don't try. But sometimes, I'd like to take part in it. Stop putting these blocks and limits and restrictions on myself; be free, in essence. But I already know the dangers that go hand in hand with such a life, things I don't want to deal with.

So, with the latest boy, whom we'll call "Q", I've found something and someone that I think I could devote time to. The only problem is he doesn't want a relationship. This apparently does not stop him from doing all those cute things like calling and being mildly flirtatious. In a particularly non-innocent but non-slutty romp, he cuddled with me, or, we cuddled, rather. For someone who doesn't want a relationship, he sure does betray my sensibilities on the subject. When I say I don't want a relationship, I mean it. I don't want to be touched. Yet, I've found that everyone has their own definitions of everything.

I need to bring this up or break it off or something. But I'm weak. And haven't been touched in a while. I know, I know, bad criteria for continuing a physical relationship.

One thought that lingers in the back of my mind though...

I'm afraid to trust him because I'm afraid that's the moment when I get hurt and he gets to romp around with other people. I can't expect this to be exclusive, that's stupid. I keep thinking, it could always be someone else on another day, because being insensible and just going with this will only get me in trouble (See: any other relationship trauma in my life).

What it Means, Part 1: To be Black

My parents are black. So am I. End of story.

So I should know right? What this all means? Well, I can't say I do. And I can't speak for everyone. Just myself on what being black is for me.

To me, to be black is to have people mistrust you, look at you weird when you go into a store, lose opportunities, and a slew of other discriminatory things. Except, not exactly. You see, I don't fit the profile. I speak Standard English in a voice very unlike any other black person, or man, not because my voice is unique, but just because I've always been different from what people would readily assume as "black." I wear a belt and my jeans fit in the right places, not hanging half past my ass. I wear t-shirts that fit, not shirts that look like night gowns. I listen to pop, rock, Japanese, almost everything but rap and modern hip-hop. I don't fit the profile.

Among my black peers, I struggle to find a meeting ground, unless they are like me, in that way that people would call me white-washed and make fun of how I talk. Indeed in the way they have. I don't identify with them on that "black" level, because I don't talk like they do, I don't listen to the music they do.

For me, being black is a new kind of separation. I don't relate and sometimes I find it hard to. I see black people on campus, in the cafeteria, in public and I see how they dress, how they act. I'm not loud, I'm not ridiculous, I don't yell and cuss at people when they make me mad. I don't like to make a scene, and I don't like being opinionated, out loud anyway, to the point where people turn and look at me through the periphs, wondering "What the hell is he doing?" Seeing how the black community acts, the one that reaches the media and the public mind you, I feel contempt. It makes me ashamed that my ancestors worked hard in the fields, my grandparents tried their best to support large families, and my mom was just part of the statistic of young, unwed, high school mothers. Not because of these facts, but because black people my age don't acknowledge that. Or, they appear not to. A lot of the things black people do I find ridiculous, crazy. I shouldn't be able to guess the color of a person's skin based on how they are acting in public.

I have to start to understand who black people are in relation to me, despite the fact that a lot of the things they do are "vexing" in the words of Huey. In truth, black people act a damn fool sometimes and I hate it. But it's wrong of me to expect them to act like me, like my parents raised me right (I'll admit that was a low blow but it's true).

What I've found, though, is that when I try to reach them, or anyone else, along other lines, or without any lines at all is when I find that kinsmanship. It's where I find that, as people, we relate. Relativity stretches across many lines: philosophy, psychology, experience. That's how I become close to people. When I start realizing that what it means for me to be black and what it means for someone else to be black don't matter. It's what it means for both, or many, of us to be human.

I approach you from an incredibly idealistic point of view, but I'd have it no other way. For me to be black does not mean embracing my heritage, or listen to rap, or try to rise above history, or struggle. That's what it means for me to be me. I'm just realizing who I am, and being black does not DEFINE that, it is only a PART of that.

Monnie was right, you can't make a news show about what it means to be black in America, because you can only appeal to so many people. That one will always be left out, and that isn't right. What you can do is make a show about what it means for YOU to be black in America, instead of expecting EVERYONE to relate.

Too Busy Forgetting

Yea, it's been a while. *cricket cricket* Okay, I know no one reads this.

So, I've been hanging with my friends a lot lately. And three times within the past two weeks I've been drunk drinking with friends. Sorry, my immature college boy is showing. All good experiences.

Just... This past Friday I got drunk with That Boy. Before the said drinking, I was hanging with him and a couple of his good friends and he'd sit next to me on the couch or whatev (and walk around without his shirt on when he was getting dressed; is it me or is that a sign too?) Anyway, TB's friend sends me a txt about him wanting to make out (after said alcohol), so I asked him to kiss me and he obliged. And we cuddled and made out and got all friendly friendly.

Raunchy details aside, I felt a little embarrassed when I left. I had resolved not to act wild like that ever again. The only thing is, I didn't feel guilty and the whole experience felt good. Why? Well, because I like him, a lot. And I told him. I also said that he should never forget that, if he wants me, I'm always here. Right here. But, I'm not waiting.

He doesn't want a relationship, I know. I just wish I could forget how good it felt to actually get him, even for that little while.

Idea

You know, I have an awesome idea.

Instead of meeting someone, talking to them for a couple of weeks (in its colloquial sense), and jumping into a relationship with them, which is the habit somehow ingrained in my generation...

How about I actually DATE someone, see how I like them without hooking up, and if we both like each other then get into something? You know what? That sounds so much safer, more mature, and conducive to a good relationship.

I notice way too many people doing the former, and it's what I did, too. But not any more. This'll take a lot of discipline, but it's worth it. We really do move way too fast

Baggage Claim

Something I just thought of. If (when) I become a successful therapist, I'm probably going to use this as one of my activities:

List of Baggage and Current Status:

8 months of the worst year of my life
Status: I realized the other day that I finally had let go of that toxic non-relationship (looong story). The reason I'm not talking to him is because, if he hasn't changed, I'm not going to risk him or myself doing any damage. It's a smart move. Baggage claimed and packed away.

Two instances of a no call, no show:
Status: Yea, you were both pretty stupid. Baggage claimed and packed away.

What could have been...:
Status: It still does hurt sometimes, but I'm letting go. You just weren't it, and neither was I, but some other guy was. I can't count that against myself. Baggage... Pretty much left at the airport, tired of dealing with it.

Mixed signals:
Status: I should try being your friend, like actually try. It might be hard, it might not. Willing to take the risk, though, if it means not dating. Baggage claimed and packed away.

Letting you down:
Status: Knowing I wouldn't call you back, I shouldn't have given you my number. I don't know how to let people down, but I need to learn so I don't hurt anyone more than I need to. Baggage claimed.

Over You

You know, I'm over you. Because I made myself get over you.

So, that's one more piece of baggage willingly left at the airport. I hope you stay there.

Mariah Carey

You lucky heifer! I want to age as gracefully as you, even as a male. To be beautiful and golden almost to my forties...

Gangs

So, I was talking with my friend, let's call him the Jew (no seriously). He said he almost got jumped on two occasions in the SAME DAY in his town (we both go to college together about 30 mins away from here).

Me: You were wearing you're yarmulke, weren't you.

And he was. With a shirt with hebrew on it. Which explains why he was about to be jumped by Armenians. And then some black folks, but that's 'cause I just think black folks are mean sometimes. Hell, I know I am.

Anyway, we came upon the subject of him possibly being in more danger than before if he had been wearing certain colors. Which, I added that pink, more than likely not affiliated with any gang other than the gay mafia, would definitely have gotten his ass beat.

So, we both arrived at the conclusion that if gangs are stupid enough to shoot each other over someone wearing a damn color, they might as well copyright that stuff. At least have some kind of legal purpose for busting a cap in someone's ass for wearing a rival color, you know? This is like punching someone for using the green crayons when you only use blue. This stuff is ridiculous.

Dear...

Pimple in the FREAKING MIDDLE OF MY FOREHEAD:

Oh my God I hate you!

With love utter disgust and hate,
Auriel

But if you're here you probably already know who I am haha

Never Be Afraid to Cry

Crying is so much like the rain. The rain falls, an accumulation of evaporated water condensing in the sky. When the clouds are too heavy, they pour rain because they need to. It replenishes the earth, it allows things to grow. And the cycle starts again.

We cry because we need to. Just like condensation accrues, so do our own emotions, and sometimes they truly can be too much. Crying is our natural, and healthy, way of letting those emotions out. Whether you cry silently, or sob hysterically, it's usually because you need to. So, never be afraid to cry.

Never be afraid to let those emotions out. It really is a beautifully wonderful thing to cry, let everything out, and finally release your cares to God, or whomever you may happen to believe in. Just imagine those tears drying to create a cloud in your mind. Next time that cloud gets too heavy, just let it rain.

Free yourself, and let the rain fall.

Flutter

Clamouring beautiful blue wings
Crash, crash in frenzy
Knock against the walls of my lungs
You stole my breath away

No oxygen, blood runs black
I'm frozen, cold when my heart skips that inevitable beat
It's all you, when I see you
I have to turn away

I feel each flat, butterfly kisses
Come out as softspoken speech
I reach for the words
But my body pulls out that butterfly

I open my mouth, though utter no sound
The lump in my throat is an attempt to escape
I want to see that butterfly
'Cause on its wings fly my poetry

My love song's to no addressee for I lack a name
A lover, to me, a wraith
Still tugging on my heart strings
Tangling a web for that poor butterfly

Let those blue wings fly
So I can breathe, speak, whisper my name
Let my verse fly to you, understood
So you'll know what magic you incite in me

Though it's up in the air
If you believe in magic at all;
Whether the sight of me
Makes you see butterflies

I could fall in love
Again, again, and again
But the words whispered in sleep
Only come from an imaginary Prince

I've spent time with words of love
Dipped in honey, soft to touch
But upon waking
Find you never uttered such a thing

A song sings sweetly to me
How my smile makes the stars shine
Twinkling in jealousy

How the sun shines through my tears
Creates a rainbow
When God sends hope to me

A Prince by any other name
Will be just as sweet
Though, hidden in a pauper's clothing,
He remains hidden from me

I've found that
You just dress like royalty
I've been looking through your castle
Never realizing it's been crumbling

It's Alright, It's Alright, It's Alright...

I got this idea from another blog, and I think it would be helpful for anyone who's ever down for whatever reasons.

It's okay for me to feel hurt when my feelings are unrequited, or when things don't work out. It's okay for me to know what I want. It's okay for me to have standards and stick to them. It's okay to have integrity, dignity. It's okay to cry when I need to. It's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to want to be loved. It's okay to desire someone.

It's okay to be alone. It's okay for me not to have a boyfriend. It's okay to have an empty bed. It's okay to have no one to go home to. It's okay to be single. It's okay to take time to enjoy being single. It's okay to look, even if you plan on not touching. It's okay to draw lines to avoid settling for someone. It's okay to listen to sad songs to cry, just to get the emotions out.

It's okay to be mad at someone when they deserve it. It's okay to be fair. It's okay to leave a situation alone if it stresses you out more than it should.

It's okay to be alone.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Before This

Crystal Kay's new single, "涙のさきに" (Namida no Saki ni - Before the Tears), is inspiring me to be a little more upbeat about life, and my love life specifically.

I've started to notice a lot of patterns. I like someone, something gets miscommunicated or things don't happen, and that someone becomes a no one in my life for a little while. Then I feel bitter and angry at them because I feel hurt. And I do, it always hurts to lose that hope, that little thread you desperately cling to. But that also leads to a lot of unnecessary and unneeded anger towards specific people, and that's not far. The same goes for a lot of other things.

I'm tired of this dating game, even if I can't get my piece on the board. I'm tired of putting so much energy into these endeavors.

For the first time in my life, my lack of a love life truly is okay. The thought of this almost makes me want to cry, but it's okay not having anyone next to me, in bed or life or otherwise. As John Mayer soulfully sings in "Lesson Learned" with Alicia Keys, "It's alright, it's alright, it's alright." And it is.

It's alright. It's alright. It's alright. This is just another lesson learned and another step closer to loving myself as I should.

Mandatory

Next guy I meet gets this question:

Do, do you got a first aid kit handy?

Impatience

I asked a friend if I'm rational in being impatient with guys and what I perceive as bullshit. She said, "Yes." I do know what I'm worth and what I'm willing to put up with, and I've been less and less willing to deal with a lot. I don't like this whole flirting or dating game because it seems like both sides won't be upfront, and the last time that did happen with me nothing came of it.

Oh wait... I have been up front! I don't know how many times I have to say 'I like you' or 'I want you' for someone to get it through their head. Which often leads me to conclude: they don't feel the same. I wonder if common sense always has to factor into someone figuring that out, or should the other side say something about it? He hasn't said anything about not wanting a relationship. Should the "Looking for: Friendship" crap on Facebook mean something? What about his flirting? See why my mind is going crazy?

As the days go by I realize how much more I want to be single JUST to avoid the mess that is "talking to" or dating someone. Guys my age can't get their shit straight, I believe. Hell, I barely can sometimes. This just leads me to believe I should clean the slate, which includes that one guy I was just being nice to because I can't even handle rejecting someone, let alone rejection itself. It always feels like whatever I go through with some guy I inflict on someone else. How the hell is that fair?

I've been giving up on people too easily, but that's only because having faith in people doesn't help me by any means.

Off the Market, Learning to be Alone, & Other Musings

I told myself a few weeks ago, while trying to find a way to rebuff my most recent unwanted encounter (which failed miserably as I've probably already posted about; if not, more to come), that there was only one guy whom I was interested in dating. For the most part, this is true. But more importantly, he was the last person I was actually willing to invest time in dating. Yet, as of last night, this doesn't seem to be the case.

For the record, this isn't a post about me being bitter or jaded, because that's common knowledge. It's just about an important life decision.

My financial status does not qualify to be a status at all. I'm working to improve that situation. Between bills, expensive policy changes, gas prices and the aforementioned work, I'm more than certain I don't have time for a relationship. On another hand, with my most recent experiences in romance and things of the sort, absolutely every one of them has turned out to be disappointing to various degrees, some due to me, some due to others. After last night, I realized, unless I just read signals completely wrong, this latest guy isn't interested in a relationship, and more importantly not one with me. Any time I've mentioned it I just get a surprised reaction from him and that's it. Maybe some flirting here and there, but I'm too smart too look into that; there are no definite signs, so I'm not playing any definite game. I'll explain that whole situation in my next post.

Anyway, gay men are disappointing in my life. There aren't that many that I'm just good friends with. I find them as taxing as girls can be (somehow, I haven't had as much difficulty with straight males). There are more, though, that I don't respect on the basis of my thinking they're all whores, and I'd love to give them the benefit of the doubt, this as soon as they warrant it of course. Guys don't clamour after me and the ones that do rarely interest me. Besides, since when is being an opportunist attractive? Never, at least now. I'm tired of waiting for someone to walk my way, I'm tired of trying to get up the courage to even flirt with someone. I'm really just... Tired.

So, with that being said, I'm off the market. Indefinitely. I've lost more of myself along the way and part of my goal is to reclaim that, all the while finally really trying to be alone and be happy with that, not just as a way of getting God to give me what I want. Oh yea, I want to get back in touch with him. Good plan, I think. I just want to break away from all this unnecessary stress. I'm tired of having to put up with someone else's shit just to start talking when I have shit of my own, you know?

Gladiolus for strength of character, something I hope to build and display

Pot

I've never found a good reason to smoke pot, and I probably never will.

I just want to address this issue head-on: I think smoking pot is stupid. There have been times where I was almost swayed to think the opposite, but that doesn't replace the fact that I still think it's stupid. And, while I'm on this, people who openly broadcast marijuana leaves on myspace and shit like that just look trashy. And this coming from someone who looks at porn. Yea, still trashy.

I have a close friend who told me once that when he smoked pot he gained the ability to look at himself objectively. Well, especially after his in-depth explanation of the experience(s), I realized, hell, I do the same thing when I'm NOT high. Go figure. The one thing that actually made me want to smoke pot for the first time in my life was when he mentioned some other people I adore but haven't been around in a while smoke it with him. That's cool. Then he closed with "But you should never do it unless you want to." And I gained the best reason in the world not to smoke pot.

I just don't want to.

There, that's it. Oh, but I still think it's stupid. I can't think that enough. The reasons people list for the benefits of marijuana or how it's "not that bad" are just as hollow as some of the moral reasons people refuse to, reasons I used to follow. I always thought the anti-drug commercials were stupid; those ads just make kids braindead and give them another form of thinking that isn't truly theirs.

I do know some people who smoke pot who I respect wholeheartedly. When I found out I was a little shocked, but it hasn't changed my perspective at all, on them or how I feel. I did learn, though, that I can't just judge someone on the basis that they smoke pot. If they're a deadbeat, they're a deadbeat and that's that. But if you are getting your stuff done and being responsible about your own life and smoking pot, I applaud you. You keep doing what you're doing because apparently the pot has no control over you, you have control over the pot. Amen my brothers and sisters of the ganja.

In closing, don't smoke around me. I probably won't date you if you smoke pot (sorry, it really does bother me). I'm not going to do it with you, so don't ask. Just be cool and I'll think you're cool, and you won't have any issues with me judging you.

Unless you're a whore, then you get my wrath. And I'm quasi-serious about that.

Must Be Dreaming (Redux)

I woke up to find I must be dreaming, that any sense of happiness had faded. What was left is what I always found in the mirror: a young, jaded human being hidden under wooden eyes.

Optimism is my heart's enduring but ineffectual defense mechanism, leaving me to deal with the world holding a glass half full with a heart half empty.

Or maybe it's hope.

Again?

I don't see how I can stay up talking to you getting no where.

If I didn't know before tonight, there is such a thing as innocent flirting. Sometimes it's mutual, sometimes it's one-sided. Just quit flirting and tell me what you want damnit. I don't like playing forward because it doesn't fucking get me anywhere.

Sorry, just frustrated. I wonder if it's because I put too much energy into finding relationships. I bet it is.

Unrequited love is still a bitch.

Oh, and I still pretty much hate anything that has a penis. At least until I have a good boyfriend. So I'll pretty much always hate anything that has a penis. Why the hell do you think I always get female pets?

No Denial

I have to admit, yea, it does hurt. But this is why

1) I kept open a very limited window of communication, and

2) I stayed my distance.

It's not that what you did was bad, not even in the slightest. It's that things like this are inevitable with you. You don't stay single and you still don't want me and these are two things I've come to accept. I'm talking about it because, at one point in my life, I ignored the obvious and got hurt. I'm glad we can both live our lives, but I don't think that was ever an issue with you haha.

Hey, you keep doing what you're doing. I'm just glad this time you aren't cuddling with my ex on the couch in front of me. Now that, sir, was very tasteless

Grinds My Gears

So, driving the other day, I noticed something that pisses me off every time someone does it, so I decided I'd start my own little rant posts in the vein of Peter Griffin's "What Grinds My Gears".

So:

You know what really grinds my gears? People who turn without using turn signals. They're on cars for a reason. If we didn't need them, we wouldn't have them. So, why in the hell, when you are about to turn a corner, would you either a) not use your turn signal or b) wait til right before you turn to use it? I really hope you understand that this becomes a nuisance to the person driving behind you. We would all like adequate warning before you turn so we can SLOW OUR ASS DOWN without fear of plowing into your dumb ass.

And that, readers, is what grinds my gears.

Imprison

I have a feeling that, one day, this blog will literally be the death of me. More to come

Don't Try So Hard...

They both sat in his car on this late-autumn night. There was a harsh rain pouring down above them. The car was off, no music or anything, as the cold set in around them. Normally, on a night like this, they’d be embracing each other in the back, not separated by the gear shift, the radio, glove compartment or anything. But there they sat in the front, both staring out into the torrential rain, a dim orange streetlight hovering above them.

She had her hands stuck in her coat pockets. She was finally starting to dry off, an uncomfortable process in such weather. Her eyes were blank, her lips unmoving as she looked through the windshield. Her breathing was barely audible, and she could barely tell if she was breathing in the first place. For her, maybe for the both of them, though she wasn’t sure, time, location, everything outside that car was irrelevant. They both transcended any notion of reality they had known before, anything besides heartache, pain, anger, anguish, and being ultimately defeated by forces outside the self. Drops of rain clung to her hair, just like she clung to…

His hands gripped the steering wheel. He would periodically move them around, 12 o’ clock and 3 o’ clock, 10 o’ clock and 2 o’ clock, 11 and 1, 9 and 3. He thought of the numbers paired together to find something he could make sense of, but it all failed him. Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing meant anything, nothing mattered, nothing was relevant. It was all pointless and he had no inkling as to why.

She turned her head to take his image in, and she could only fight back tears. It wasn’t dramatic like last night, when her lips quivered and her tears ran like streams after the rain. It was a silent, numbing, internal weeping, one that she hoped he would notice.

And he did, for he felt the tears himself. He could feel the anguish in her cries from the night before. They still rang clearly in his head. He turned to meet her gaze, locked in her eyes. He wanted to reach for anything left inside he had to give to her, anything she’d take anyway, though deep down, he knew that he had left a scar indelible, one that he would never be able to fix.

They didn’t say a word as they sat, transfixed on each other. He slowly moved his hands to his lap, she slowly moved her hands to either side of her. The memories of last night, of all they had gone through, were still too strong for them to bear, to understand, or to cope with.

“What’s wrong?” he asked her.

“Nothing.” She curtly and apathetically replied.

“Something’s wrong. What is it?”

“Nothing.” She turned to him with a look of growing anger.

“Look, I just asked what’s wrong. You’ve been acting like this all night. You’re being a killjoy; it’s like you don’t want anyone to have any fun.” She stared at him as he went on, her mouth slowly gaping open. “I don’t know what’s been up with you. For the past few weeks, the only thing you’ve wanted to talk about is your feelings, your emotions. Why do you keep on?”

Tears started to form in her eyes, distorting her vision, making his image more and more unclear, just as how she had been seeing him for those past few weeks, unable to make out clearly his emotions, his actions, or any part of him. She just nodded.

“And now you don’t want to say anything? What the hell?! I just don’t know what’s wrong with you. This is getting to be too much. I don’t need this.”

And then he said the one line that broke her heart, “I don’t deserve this.”

She could hear the fragile pieces of her heart crash to the core of her being. They shattered with a clarity she hadn’t felt in a long time. Each tiny, crisp, tinkle of glass against her inner foundation resounded with an infinite intensity. The tears started to roll.

“You don’t deserve this?!” She yelled back at him. “You don’t deserve all the things I’M putting you through?!” He slowly began to realize he made a mistake. “I had to sit by every time you left her! I was the one who was here to hear you bitch and moan about how she treated you, about how you didn’t want to be with her! What about how you treated her?! Did you ever stop to think that you might be causing her pain?”

He started to hurt inside and he didn’t know why, or he tricked himself into thinking he didn’t. His heart felt everything, though; he knew exactly why, inside, he was beginning to feel pain. And he also knew he deserved it. He reached for her, to try to console her or calm her down, but she swiftly knocked his hand away, and, consequently, knocked his reality off balance.

“NO! Don’t touch me!” Her words had such a ferocity, a scorned strength, that he had to step back. She stepped back for a moment and looked down, her tears dropping to the floor, when she noticed a singular drop fall from his eyes. She looked back up to see his eyes brimming with tears. “What about how you treated me? You constantly pushed me away when I tried to be there for you and you wouldn’t let me. Every time I tried to be happy for you or even make you happy, I was the one cast away.”

“I’m…” she heard him mutter in the car. She quizzically raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry…” he said to her, reaching for her hand. This time, she complied, but the hands he held weren’t the ones which gracefully touched his lips or embraced him when he was sad. These hands were lifeless and cold. “I’m so sorry.” He whimpered and looked down, and soon, he was on his knees, still holding her hands.

Her mind raced with things to say. “I’m sorry doesn’t work this time,” or “That’s not good enough for me,” or even “…I hate you.” But all she did was let his hands go. Then they fell to the floor, as lifeless as hers, as she stepped out the room. She walked down the hall, out the door, and she was resolved on never seeing him again, even though the one thing that resonated in her heart above all as she cried on her walk back home was…

“I love you. Please don’t hurt me… I want to try again.”

And still there they were, sitting cold inside the car.

“I’m…” he managed to mutter again.

“You’re what?” she asked, a little indignantly “You’re sorry?”

He nodded slightly, then suddenly shook his head. She just started at him, now really confused. What was he trying to say?

“I love you…” he had finally told her, after months of them playing around with each others’ hearts. After all they had gone through, he finally told her, and she had never hurt so much in her life.

“Goodbye…” was all she said as she opened the door and walked out into the rain. And all he did was die a little inside as he fell asleep in his cold, and now lonely, car, never wanting to wake up again.

Man...

I hate you because you hurt me and I might, just might, have a chance with someone good, someone that I had no other choice but to get to know because I wanted him and I didn't try (hard) because he was with someone. I hate you because if he reads any of this it could severely hurt any chance I ever had with him, because this shit never looks good on anyone's resume. I hate you because I want and need closure but I know I shouldn't. You are causing some major problems over some shit that is no where close to important.

In truth, I don't really hate you. You just really pissed me off. And I swear to God if I had a chance with him and I lose it because of shit you made me feel, I and you will never forget this.

Ugh, great. Now I sound like a crazy bitch.

Who Are You?

A friend of mine just posted something on Facebook about thinking about people, wondering if you catch yourself thinking of someone and what they're doing, or whether someone does that for you. It was sweet. I made the list haha, and it made my heart swoon. So, I think I'll do the same...

Here's to you:

Mom, Dad, Mom(haha), Brian, Keith, Lauren, John, Bri, Heaven, Granny, Granny, and Granny, Papa, Bubba, Billy, Aunt Annie, Uncle Bruce, Uncle Greg, Aunt Cynthia, Dean, Gail, Gin, Jessica, Queen, Derrica, Dashelle, Efin, Annabelle Rector, Kyle Anderson, Kyle Lovett, Jeremiah Smith, Maggie and Molly Carroll, Taylor Pennington, Tyler Bjornson, Alan Nguyen, Brady Duncan, Zack Kruger, Suzie Q, Mama Sam, Brittany Quire, Alex Giannavola, Mitchel Corbett, Ryan Engle, Cameron Backus, Beau Turner, Aaron Killingsworth, Scott Hulsey, Gurrie Frisbie, Casey Jo Burnett, David Beavers, Colby Bennett, Collin Davies, Jody Carson, Anthony Williams, Brandon Snider, Matt Bristow, Yukiko Taylor, Jamie Simpson, Jess Fisher, Jen Cooper, Pam McCoy, Joy Hinson, Jenn Eakin, Kerry Williams, Cortney McDonald, Derrick Jones, Derrick Johnson, Stephanie Drangle, Irem Duyar, Angelica Mercado, Mindy Mann, Brandi Mosier, Jessica Bennett, April Kennedy, David Beavers, Blair Wright, and Clermon Acklin

I know I run the risk of hurting some people's feelings, but these people have all made life livable at some point or another. They've been the ones most responsible for helping create the person that people know today, and for helping me realize just what within me is good. I appreciate you all, I promise. And to others, I appreciate you too because you all have affected who I was and who I became. And that, in itself, is your greatest gift to me.

Thank you, Thank God, from the bottom of my heart.

Seriously? Seriously.

Back to my theory... Wait, back to the common knowledge of me being an attractive male (sorry, modesty and humility aside, it's getting to be psychologically necessary for me to say such things)...

What in the hell is the boy thinking?!

I've exhausted the possibilities of this situation. Sure, I could not be getting each and every one of his txts except for when he replies to mine (sometimes not even that). Sure, I could be missing each and every one of his phone calls. Hell no. I'm not stupid damnit. If he wanted to talk to me, he has more than one method. So I'm done. It just angers me that I spent time chasing him, at all, to get absolutely nothing.

I'm actually trying to not sound so self-absorbed (even though it is hard), but as I become more aware of a) what I want, b) what I'm worth, and c) the more I start to love myself (in that good, self-assuring way), the more I notice that some of the other fish in the sea are swimming in my direction. Like I've said before, I put him on a pedestal, and I thought he'd be different. But he wasn't. He wasn't any different for me.

Maybe we should try being friends another time when I'm not the only one who actually is trying.

Brick

It's hard not to sound crazy, but...

You make me so mad. I want to throw a brick, I want to scream. I want to break something to let loose this anger but I don't think it would ever work. That star you made just became a swirling vortex of red energy, feeding off all these negative emotions.

You hurt me, a lot more than I expected you would. I cycle between feeling hurt and angry and I want to make the cycle stop.

Still, the truth will always be, you hurt me. Whatever reason you had you could've told me and I'd be fine (theoretically...). I trusted you and you hurt me and I feel weak and vulnerable for feeling this way but I can't replace it with anything else. You make me want a cigarette. Yes, that is bad.

It's Alright, It's Alright, It's Alright...

The tears snuck up on me again. Except...

This time I have no idea why

Deactivate

I deactivated Facebook on Saturday. I was tired of the emotional energy I was putting into a damn website. Yes, emotional energy. A lot of the things I did on Facebook were spurred on by emotional causes, and now I'm trying to get away from that.

Of course, now I have more time to do a lot more things and get work done, and I really appreciate that, but this is also a secondary motive. My main motive was because I was tired of seeing exes happy, I was tired of being online and waiting for someone (specific someone) to message me. I was tired of sending clues and trying to be cute in a status to lure someone to say something (same specific someone). I wasted a lot of time and energy that could have been spent on building myself, mentally, emotionally, and academically.

I'm just started to realize what life is like without Facebook. I still instinctively try to sign in (thank God the deactivation has to be reactivated by a special means) and click on the nifty Firefox Facebook button, but I stop myself. Life has a new tone without getting on that site. I think deactivating it was necessary, so I could spend some time on myself without checking on others. Now I can look at other things using my phone haha!

I don't know how long I'll keep this up; probably for a while. Like I said, things are pretty peaceful and non-stressful without Facebook. I wonder if I'll get used to it...

Imagine Me

I can imagine me, being free, loving You totally - Kirk Franklin "Imagine Me"

Today, I could feel this presence, this apprehension growing on me. I got out of class early, picked up some lunch, came to my room... And realized I was crying. I couldn't stop; the tears came on without warning and I let them loose. I cried, felt sorry for myself for a while. Because I needed to, and I think God and my body were letting me know.

Mr. O, you hurt me a lot more than I would admit. Over the course of 2-3 weeks I feel as if I've gone through a hard breakup with someone I cared a lot for. I kept saying that I could get over you any moment I wanted to, but I also kept waiting for the time that you'd say "Yes," and quit playing games with me. You seem like a great guy, but you didn't treat me like a great guy would. No, not exclusive, not even dating, but it still hurt. I realize this now. You dealt a blow that I don't think either of us knew was coming or would be of this magnitude. Yea, I'm kinda angry (kinda meaning very) because I was hopeful and I trusted you to be different, but you weren't, and that's okay. You just may not be right for me, not right now and possibly not ever. I really am fine with waiting.

I've never really known my emotional pain to surface on me like this. I didn't expect it, I thought I was stronger, but I wasn't. That, too, is okay. I didn't prepare myself for this emotional strain. I'm learning to get past it, though, to look inside to find who I really am. I knew I should have done that when I started talking to Mr. O, but I ignored it once again because a boy I liked was finally returning the affection to any degree.

I am growing a lot right now, and I have been ever since the beginning of 2007. I started to make changes and 16 months later, I'm realizing what changes have happened. Just as long as I don't take to old habits, old things won't keep happening and hurting me in old ways. I am a strong person, and sometimes it takes a breakdown to rebuild myself and make myself stronger. I had one today and here I am, not necessarily happy, but becoming whole. I'm realizing who I am and just what I have to bring to the table, and I thank God for this revelation.

Where Does This Ocean Go?

I want you to understand something:

I could show you something beautiful, as many things as I could. And if I failed, if I honestly couldn't, then I'd try my hardest. I could love you, I honestly could.

But I can't and won't wait for you. I want to get to know you, yes, right now, for the aim of being in a better relationship, but I'm not sure if you want to for the same reason. Maybe to see if we're right for each other, which I understand. I'm not used to being sensible; I'm used to being insensible and romantic when I get the chance and paying dearly for it because it seems like no one appreciates that anymore.

I don't know if I could get to know you just to be your friend; I have an ulterior motive, and you know that. It's to be with you, so I already have that bias. Of course I'm going to try to be your friend because I want so bad to be with you.

These strong emotions are so dangerous, though. They'll drive me to do and say crazy things, not like stalker or insane-bitch crazy, but the aforementioned impulsive and insensible crazy, the stand outside your window with a radio during a tornado crazy. I'm willing to do a lot to be with you, and I honestly wonder why. I don't know you very well, but well enough. I know what I like about you, but not what about you drives me so crazy. Sometimes I wonder if it's just because I'm lonely and I've been lonely and want someone to love and someone to love me. But this is different than that settling for someone just because they're there, so much different.

You've made this flame, this ball, this star grow inside me that tingles and expands. It creates galaxies, no lie, in my body. I'm going supernova inside for you (that sounds funny...) and I wish you could understand this.

Still, like I said, I can't and won't wait for you because that's stupid. I don't know if you'll have that same sense of consideration for me, because I've found that, more often than not, other people don't. And if you hurt me like that... No matter how I feel, I can promise you I won't try anymore. I've been there and it hurt, and I know I wouldn't do something like that to you. I can't wait, I won't wait, but I'm willing to.

I really hope it's mutual.

In Love

The only way I could say that I'm in love is if I'm so completely high on my emotions that I don't control them and misinterpret my own feelings. I'm not in love; I'm strongly in like.

Strong enough to where I almost let myself go today, steadily edging closer to the point of no return, saying sweet things I want to mean but don't. I need to control myself, curb my emotions so that I don't end up unintentionally hurting someone I want so bad.

Instead, I said things that were true: that him being unsure has a possibility of me being hurt, because I open myself easily; this wouldn't be a problem if I didn't like him so much; the fact that I want him as much as I do gives me drive enough to tell him how I feel, tell him sweet things and mean it. This all considering the possibility that I *haven't* driven him off.

I want to see where this goes, but if we're friends for the moment, I have to get myself in check.

You Don't Know, Do You?

I really don't think he understands that my heart is kinda breaking already and it's been maybe a little over a week since we started talking or whatever this situation is?

I'm not used to this limited mode of communication when someone is ACTUALLY interested in me. Things usually progress pretty fast, we get to talking cute and what not, and I'M the one who leaves because it's usually with someone I'm attracted to only because I'm lonely and don't always realize what I'm doing. Alcohol, contrary to popular opinion, does not help these situations.

But now that I'm in a situation with someone I like genuinely and who likes me hopefully in the same way, I find myself suffering the fate of those doomed to not be attractive in my eyes. Just reading what he does and the way he communicates, that's how I talk to people I don't like, either at all or anymore. Is this karma? I guess doing that to people has its consequences.

It's just so frustrating! I'm a txt or a call away, you know? He is, too, but there comes a point in any interaction where it feels like one person is carrying the brunt of it and the other is responsive, or not, because he or she has to be. I'm getting fed up easily and rather quickly and I wish it wasn't like this. I want him to prove me wrong, but I'm not sure if he will. I'm thinking of just saying "This is how I feel. I can't read you and that bothers me because all the signs to point to this being mutual" or something to that effect.

This sucks.

18

Reading one of my old journals I realize how stupid I was when I was 18. I felt a lot of dumb things and did a lot of dumb things. How could I seriously call one of the worst nights of my life "good"? It was my first time being drunk, and I did it because I was in love with someone who didn't love me back and never chose me and I had to watch it this time. I had to watch him be with someone else, dance with someone else, and leave me alone. I had to watch him hurt me over and over again and I kept letting it happen.

I've learned a lot, but sometimes I wish I hadn't. Sometimes I still wish I was a virgin; I should have waited. Sex is good; he wasn't good for me. I wonder how much more different my life would be if I had never met him. Where would I be? Would I still be as naive? The lessons that I had to learn, personally, are the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I had to grow to stop loving someone who, like I said, didn't love me back. I can't even bring myself to talk to him because in my world he hasn't changed. He still stupid and immature. And he doesn't love me...

I feel like a lot of stuff went with him when I cut him out of my life. Or he cut me out. I don't know, whatever. He's not here and that's the good thing. I just wish I didn't miss him. He's a stupid jackass and he always has been but somehow I keep betraying myself and we start talking again only for one of us to leave the other alone. It's hard to figure out what is my fault and what is his; I keep blaming him because it seems right, because if I start blaming myself for breaking my own heart I don't think I could handle it.

I was 18, emotional, and stupid. Now I'm 20, jaded, and fighting to not be so stupid. Two years can make a big difference, even if I'm still so young. Is it right to say that wasn't fair? I had to force myself to grow in those long months. And now... I'm not exactly sure what I have to show for it

/crying

You and I Both

Posts in quick succession. I know. I know. But this one needed it's own post.

I think... I'm falling hardcore.

First, it's not very often that I have a crush on someone that I don't get over in a matter of time. Have I put him on such a high pedestal that I can't get him down? There's just... Something, so much about him I want to know. It's just something he does to me, you know? Whether I'm around him or not (which has only happened once unfortunately...) I've wanted to get to know him for so long and now's my chance and...

Will it work?

It's racking my brain, seriously. I can't read him, at all. That means trouble; reading people helps, but what I'm reading from him kinda says... Lay off? Yea, that's about it. But he reciprocates sometimes... I don't know. I send a txt and may or may not get a reply and it drives me crazy. What the hell am I supposed to do? Am I the only guy he's talking to? I won't be an option again.

I just want, so much, for this to work, but I'm trying to be smart about it. As smart as I can anyway. *sigh*

Stargazer Lily (beautiful in name and image) for ambition. Guess what kind haha.

Isn't ambition what killed Julius Caesar?

No, a crazy bitch named Brutus with a knife killed Caesar. With some other crazy bitches.

Exes Getting STD's!

Not true! It's a line in "Schadenfreude" from the Broadway musical Avenue Q.

Just wanted to say, I believe that, whenever your ex is happy, you are obligated to a mild to moderate sense of nausea.

I Must Be Dreaming - Today's Playlist

Ghosts (Vincent De Moor Original Mix) - Tenth Planet
Do It Right - SOTA ft. Ebony Fay
Simple Being Loved - BT
Simple and Clean (PlanitB Remix) - Utada Hikaru
Chemicals React - Aly & AJ
Diary - Alicia Keys
Hate That I Love You - Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo
Can You Believe? - Robin Thicke
Do You Really Want Me? - Robyn
The Other Side of Love - m-flo loves Sister E
Simple and Lovely - m-flo loves Koda Kumi
Loop in My Heart - m-flo loves Yoshika & Emyli
Stuck in Your Love - m-flo loves melody.
Miss You - m-flo loves melody. & Ryohei Yamamoto
I Know - Crystal Kay
You and I Both - Jason Mraz
Must Be Dreaming - Frou Frou
Let Go - Frou Frou
Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
Echo - Incubus
Stellar - Incubus
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses

Stop This Train

There's only so much I can experience from behind closed doors. Lamplight and music bounce off the walls and that's about as much as I can experience. I can invite people in, I can open windows, metaphorically and literally. I can call, txt, send e-mails. I can interact with the outside world from behind a closed door.

What I cannot do is experience that world. I can reach it, but not touch it. I can hear words from inside but can't be spoken to by voices from the outside. Behind closed doors I become unreachable, unattainable, and everything I've built within four walls or more becomes all I can show for.

I've stayed here for so long that I don't know much else. Making this place my world has done its damage manifested in a slower paced social life and unwillingness to be around others or even communicate with others. Maybe this needs to change.

It's Been a While

Title.

I've skipped two classes out of four today, one is canceled, so I might as well just make it an even skip day. I don't know what's been up with me and school lately. Maybe it's because I live on the other side of campus and I'd rather not show up than be late 10+ minutes because there's a certain point in any class where it becomes pointless to show up. In my book, anyway.

There's been a lot I've wanted to write about, and I don't know why I haven't. If I remember, it'll all be here.

D.C. on Saturday. Yes, I'm excited. I (hopefully) will get to visit my favorite store in the world, H&M. And I also know that last sentence was grammatically incorrect, but I wonder if you know why. For the longest time, I didn't know it was. I really hope I'll get to go clubbing. I stick to this argument: you can't visit a major metropolitan area ANYWHERE on your spring break and not go clubbing. It's a waste of potential hotties that you don't have to remember. And yes, that does almost make me a whore. I still have standards though, trust me.

I like silent, rainy days when Imogen Heap fills the spaces.

I want this semester to be over so I can start working (ironic...). I'm really just tired of my classes. I love writing and Japanese, psychology is...., history's okay, just lectures, I don't really like Honors because one instructor is a student and he's late or misses class more often than not and the other instructor (part of the faculty) is basically a big nerd with a horrible sense of humor. I know it's mean, but I really don't like him. My bitchy words are immortalized here... Maybe I should take that back; harsh words against others are never worth it, and I'm trying to learn this wholeheartedly.

So it's official: I take that comment back.

*sigh*

Get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here.

Flower roulette. I don't know what this flower is called, but I wanted a picture of a flower in the rain and this was striking to me.

With You

I'm going to wait.

I'll wait for the day that you realize that whenever you send a message, my reply is within seconds. The day that you understand that anything you've ever written, I've read. Any story that's played on your lips, your ears, or in your heart; I know it. Any tear you've ever cried has become the ocean I sail on to reach the island that is you.

You're my gem, my treasure, my flower. You're all those things that people would call cliche but that mean the world to me.

You're what I've waited for.

Whoever you are.

Oh *sigh*

There are a lot of things I don't like; as of late, a lot of these have had to do with people.

I hate that I don't have one solid group of friends. Though being around the same people all the time can grow to be taxing, I want that core, that strong circle. Instead, I have multiple. I actually do have plenty of people to call and hang with; it's just that, sometimes, the first person I call isn't available then I'll call someone else and it'll be the same, then eventually it gets to the point where I want someone to be around, but I feel like I'm using them because I didn't call first, you know?

And not just that. Those circles break; I see the breakdown now. There used to be group A which turned to nothing, so I went to group B and they were awesome, and now group C, who I'm around most of the time. But group C makes me feel insecure sometimes (see previous posts) and I'm starting to notice the bad things I don't like about being around. Group B was split (conflict of interests; not in that bad way, but in that different paths way) so there's basically group B1 and B2, with a few individual outliers. The problem here is that B1 and B2 shouldn't exist in the first place; an argument and the aforementioned conflict of interest split group B that way. It sucks because I'm seeing multiple sides of different stories and I'm starting to feel guilty about hanging around 1 and not 2 or vice versa. It all seems immature, but even adults stop talking to people for shitty reasons. I've seen this and done this myself.

And there's the old argument of trying to keep in touch with so many but being unable to. I want to let everyone know I care, but I can't do that simultaneously all of the time. I feel like I have to pick who I want close. I think it should work like that, but not like a lottery.

Too much drama and fussing and shitty things abound. If they could see from my eyes, would they still be bitter towards each other, or would they reconcile? It's not always good to know two sides of one story if you're the neutral party.

Love, Love, Love

I fell in love with you again; I'm sorry but it hits me hard sometimes.

You really don't know do you?

That I'd write you an epic the moment you asked. I've read everything you've ever written. Trust me. I'd do so much for you. You may know I want you, but that's not all.

I'm in love with you and I want so bad to tell you and have it mean something.

But it won't.

It never will.

The apple blossom is for my promise to love you, forever and always, if I ever get the chance.

Blog Vomit

No senes of cohesiveness in thought today, so I brought you this:

I will stop caring and stop caring and caring
And let words hang loosely off my lips

Thoughts hang limply from cliffs
Of the mind,
Drop from the precipice
Into shallow waters that lace the chasm

What insecurities plague me
But those that should have no weight?
Whispers of spite and indignance
Always bite with that sense of stealth

Invade the mind with a horrible precision
Strike in the same spot
The hole in the shield
That gives away my defense

I will stop caring and stop caring and caring
Life's too short
To be the slave of imaginary slander


Hm... Yea, I like that. Needs work, though.

Me: You know, you do make me mad sometimes
Scott: Yea, you actually make me mad a lot. But I still love you.
Me: Really?! You make me mad a lot, too!
Both: Alright!!!

Uh huh, that instance was pretty funny. And that pretty much sums up anything bad I had ever felt about him. Haha go fig!

On Pain

And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so mush you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

-Kahlil Gibran

New Soul

I should be working on something Psychology related, mostly so my research partners won't hate me, but I found it useful to do this instead:

Why do people make me so angry? Why am I angry in the first place? All the things that I don't like in the people around me, from how I "think" they treat me to how they do treat me... I wonder which holds the most weight. How can I feel so shitty sometimes but feel so much better later, when I'm talking to them one-on-one? I feel a sense of betrayal inside; I don't know what to feel or when to feel it.

I've known for a long time that I'm not a huge fan of groups anyway, so why try? I like more personal interactions, maybe so one person can just focus on me (haha!), or vice versa.

It's just... I don't want to spill out my heart because I feel one way only to find that it's not true later. Maybe that's the purpose of letting emotions out anyway... I like getting my feelings out, but I'm trying to find the safest way without feeling alienated or blaming others...

The Peony is for healing, which I am in the process of doing

Bitter

I'm angry and bitter and sad because other people are happy. I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy, but I don't think I'll get it acting like this. Fuck this. I need to be single. For sure. I don't need a man or anyone else. I can't even get my thoughts together...

No flower.

Okay, I think I have it now. I try to prove to others that I'm not ordinary. I think only ordinary hurt people, but I find myself in the same situation. I don't like hurting people, but that fear drives me to be inactive. I become silent. I do nothing and I end up hurting people anyway. Does this make me ordinary? Sure. Does this make me a jackass? Yea, mostly because it's been done to me and I hated it when i thappened.

Instead of trying to find the right way and circumstances, why not just do it? It's a txt, but I don't give a damn. I need to quit leading him on.

I have so much anger boiling inside me that I honestly just want to cry! Why all this frustration and torment? Oh yea, because one of my "friends" just might be going after another guy I was involved with. Sure, I'm about to dump the guy. Sure, he may not have known. That doesn't make me feel any less shitty. Ugh, fuck this shit. I'm watching Gundam Wing.

Speaking of, no flower, like I said, but one of my favorite Gundam models. Altron from Gundam Wing. He kicks ass. No contest.

Forgotten

This... Is definitely one of those posts that might get me in trouble.

Simple question: Am I being forgotten?

When I walk into a room do people notice me even if they don't say anything? When I'm around, am I wanted? Am I secretly just that jackass that no one likes but either a) doesn't get the picture or b) people don't know how to break it to? Seriously? Seriously.

I've been dealing with these questions with any group of people I've been around since... The time I finally became aware that friends aren't everyone you meet and that it's actually pretty hard to really trust people. These things swirl around in my head and I think it's getting close to obsession. Just, honestly, if you don't want me around, say it. I feel it enough as it is.

How do I bring it up? How do I say "Put me out of my misery and just tell me if you don't like me"? Just like that? No, it's not that easy; it doesn't FEEL like it's that easy. I shouldn't ever have to feel this way, but I'm not getting much reinforcement in any other direction. If you wonder why I've been in my room or I haven't been around... Call! Don't tell me when I finally resurface. There's usually a reason why I haven't been around (which unfortunately creates a cycle). I don't like forcing myself to keep quiet and be rational when I don't feel like I need to be. I'm insecure, damnit. When conversations are dry towards me, it drives me crazy and makes me think I'm doing something wrong!

I want this to just be my imagination, but that's not what I feel. This all actually seems pretty plausible. Ugh, and how pitiful is it to BLOG about something like this? I need to bring it up, but I really don't know how. This sucks.

Crocus is for foresight. Just... I need to stay ahead of the game. Proaction, not reaction.