Halloween at a Bar

J: What the fuck just happened?
Me: I don't know. Mario just fucked Pooh

More on Halloween weekend later

Wake Up!

So, this weekend I fell in love with "Party in the USA". Gay, I know, right?

Well, I got an idea doing a search and found a blog that had the top five wake up songs. So, here's mine. A little light blogging this Monday morning (significantly better Monday morning :D!):

Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Keep Tryin' - Utada Hikaru
Oasis - Bennie K feat. Diggie Mo'
If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
32 Flavors - Alana Davis

So, not as easy as I thought, and a playlist like that definitely depends on my mood.

Halloween

I can't sleep.

But! I did get a late night epiphany as to what my Halloween costume should be. An integral part of my costume will be a pair of shorts. Short shorts. Showing off the legs this year :)

Top choices are:
1. Lifeguard
2. Gay X-Man
3. Hot Gay Nerd
4. Something random with minimal clothing

I'm leaning toward the Gay X-Man and Hot Gay Nerd because they'd be relatively inexpensive, I could use things I own, and they'd be a lot of fun. For the X-Man costume, I'd make a t-shirt and probably keep that one to wear regularly. For the Hot Gay nerd, I'd probably just wear shorts, a pair of Chucks, and glasses with the lenses popped out. This sounds like it'll be the most fun Halloween I've had in a long time.

I hope it works out!

Epiphany

In psychology, there is a term, insight. It's an epiphany, a shining bit of information that was unknown and is now suddenly clear. I had one today.

While speaking on getting back together with Z, I mentioned that our state of affairs is just like my breakup-to-makeup-to-extremely-angering-breakup with Q. He said he isn't Q. Good point. He isn't. But I kept going. Instead of annoying that bit of information and carrying on to something else, I let those feelings loose. I said how mad I was, how much I was hurt by Q's actions. And it dawned on me: it may be affecting me now.

In taking ownership of my feelings... I was mad that I was strung along, I was stupid for almost a whole fucking semester, waiting on him to turn around. I watched him get involved with other people, I watched him talk about them, but I stood by because I wanted to be with him so bad. So, when he mentioned a relationship, of course I finally did it, which also meant dropping another potential guy. Three months later, I'm unhappy. I don't listen to myself and try a couple more times to work with the relationship. The last time apparently did it. Things were nice for a while but he changed. He flipped it on me. I was wishy-washy, I know, but I was also unhappy and didn't know how to deal with it.

I was treated like the enemy. I was treated like I really did something wrong. Over the summer things got better, until a late night when he wanted to "get things off his chest." I almost let loose on him, but I decided not to. He's left me alone since then, and I'm happy, sometimes mad, but mostly happy. I don't endeavor to speak to him by any means, except to eventually get some stuff back from him. I realized, though, that in not getting things off my chest, in doing what I thought was respecting him, I was doing myself a disservice by holding onto those feelings. Now, I think I'm going to try to work through them.

I was tempted to contact him and let him know just how I felt, but I may not. The problem has presented itself, and I will deal with it. I don't know how things will work out from here, I'm just happier knowing something about myself.

This Monday Morning

Today, the world has shifted on its axis. Today, everything is not as it should. The world has something wrong with it, a kink in the system.

Today, I woke up and things didn't miraculously change. I didn't just make up my mind in regards to staying single or getting back together. Last time I did it on a whim and paid for it; this time I'm thinking it over. Today, one of my friends is hurting because another friend... And I've invariably taken her side again. Sometimes that's pretty easy when she's the one who's hurting.

Today, I may listen to the same song over and over because it's the only that really makes sense. Or, it's the only that I'm allowing to make sense.

Today, my emotions, which usually function to enhance and augment my writing, are hampering it. And, today, my room is also cold.

But these things can only last for so long. The world will soon buckle its belt and return its seat to the upright position; my friend won't hurt forever; my other friend... I may one day understand him; I won't keep listening to the same sorta-sad song; my emotions will even out; my university will FINALLY turn the heat on.

And Z? Well, he'll be okay, too, no matter what I do. And so will I. I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

Who Says?

I'm listening to John Mayer's new single "Who Says." I think I'm going to stop studying for the night, download it, and listen to it in my bed through headphones. It just seems like a song that makes sense, and, in the man's own words, a song best listened to between 8p and 3a.

Who says... Well, right now, I don't know who says. I'll get back to you on that.

This Too Shall Pass

It's been a while... And it's weird how many posts begin with that statement.

Well, it didn't work out. I just hope it doesn't end up like last time...

I'm awake, can't fall asleep, can't cry.... I feel like I can't do much of anything. I know tomorrow and Saturday will be hard. People will ask "What happened?" or "Do you feel okay?" All those questions I don't want to hear and don't want to answer. I almost wish people knew about break-ups instinctively so you didn't have to divulge any details.

I guess it was a closing to another chapter in my life. I'm scared it's going to affect my grades and my work and applying for grad school. My thoughts are in a jumble now...

Just, it also feels like a new beginning. I can be single and have fun again. I can change the format of my blog, change the links, I don't know.

There is just one nagging feeling though... The feeling of failure. Now, I'm the roommate without a partner. I'm surrounded by people in long-term relationships (or, maybe those relationships are just more noticeable at this point). I wonder, what could I have done to prevent this? How long will this emptiness, heartache, or whatever you choose to call it last? When will I date again? When will HE date again? Can I still go to yoga?

I'm hoping this is goodnight, because I want to wake up and be productive. And flirt with the straight boy at work to make myself feel better.