Off the Market, Learning to be Alone, & Other Musings

I told myself a few weeks ago, while trying to find a way to rebuff my most recent unwanted encounter (which failed miserably as I've probably already posted about; if not, more to come), that there was only one guy whom I was interested in dating. For the most part, this is true. But more importantly, he was the last person I was actually willing to invest time in dating. Yet, as of last night, this doesn't seem to be the case.

For the record, this isn't a post about me being bitter or jaded, because that's common knowledge. It's just about an important life decision.

My financial status does not qualify to be a status at all. I'm working to improve that situation. Between bills, expensive policy changes, gas prices and the aforementioned work, I'm more than certain I don't have time for a relationship. On another hand, with my most recent experiences in romance and things of the sort, absolutely every one of them has turned out to be disappointing to various degrees, some due to me, some due to others. After last night, I realized, unless I just read signals completely wrong, this latest guy isn't interested in a relationship, and more importantly not one with me. Any time I've mentioned it I just get a surprised reaction from him and that's it. Maybe some flirting here and there, but I'm too smart too look into that; there are no definite signs, so I'm not playing any definite game. I'll explain that whole situation in my next post.

Anyway, gay men are disappointing in my life. There aren't that many that I'm just good friends with. I find them as taxing as girls can be (somehow, I haven't had as much difficulty with straight males). There are more, though, that I don't respect on the basis of my thinking they're all whores, and I'd love to give them the benefit of the doubt, this as soon as they warrant it of course. Guys don't clamour after me and the ones that do rarely interest me. Besides, since when is being an opportunist attractive? Never, at least now. I'm tired of waiting for someone to walk my way, I'm tired of trying to get up the courage to even flirt with someone. I'm really just... Tired.

So, with that being said, I'm off the market. Indefinitely. I've lost more of myself along the way and part of my goal is to reclaim that, all the while finally really trying to be alone and be happy with that, not just as a way of getting God to give me what I want. Oh yea, I want to get back in touch with him. Good plan, I think. I just want to break away from all this unnecessary stress. I'm tired of having to put up with someone else's shit just to start talking when I have shit of my own, you know?

Gladiolus for strength of character, something I hope to build and display