Imagine Me

I can imagine me, being free, loving You totally - Kirk Franklin "Imagine Me"

Today, I could feel this presence, this apprehension growing on me. I got out of class early, picked up some lunch, came to my room... And realized I was crying. I couldn't stop; the tears came on without warning and I let them loose. I cried, felt sorry for myself for a while. Because I needed to, and I think God and my body were letting me know.

Mr. O, you hurt me a lot more than I would admit. Over the course of 2-3 weeks I feel as if I've gone through a hard breakup with someone I cared a lot for. I kept saying that I could get over you any moment I wanted to, but I also kept waiting for the time that you'd say "Yes," and quit playing games with me. You seem like a great guy, but you didn't treat me like a great guy would. No, not exclusive, not even dating, but it still hurt. I realize this now. You dealt a blow that I don't think either of us knew was coming or would be of this magnitude. Yea, I'm kinda angry (kinda meaning very) because I was hopeful and I trusted you to be different, but you weren't, and that's okay. You just may not be right for me, not right now and possibly not ever. I really am fine with waiting.

I've never really known my emotional pain to surface on me like this. I didn't expect it, I thought I was stronger, but I wasn't. That, too, is okay. I didn't prepare myself for this emotional strain. I'm learning to get past it, though, to look inside to find who I really am. I knew I should have done that when I started talking to Mr. O, but I ignored it once again because a boy I liked was finally returning the affection to any degree.

I am growing a lot right now, and I have been ever since the beginning of 2007. I started to make changes and 16 months later, I'm realizing what changes have happened. Just as long as I don't take to old habits, old things won't keep happening and hurting me in old ways. I am a strong person, and sometimes it takes a breakdown to rebuild myself and make myself stronger. I had one today and here I am, not necessarily happy, but becoming whole. I'm realizing who I am and just what I have to bring to the table, and I thank God for this revelation.