Gay and Republican: Maybe Not So Hypocritical

When we hear about gay Republicans, there is the collective GASP. We say, "How can you be gay and conservative?" "Do you care about your own rights?" "You can't be gay and Republican." And I'm just not so sure these statements are all in the right area.

I call myself a liberal because I support liberal social politics. I am pro-choice; I support gay-marriage and adoption. But what about economics? The environment? Education? I don't know what it means to be either liberal OR conservative about those issues. I just know where I stand on them, with economics to a lesser degree. When we call someone conservative or liberal, I think we just stop at the social meaning which often gravitates around the question "Do you like gay people and support gay rights?" A yes will elicit "Well, you must be a liberal," and a no will elicit "You fucking conservative."

Maybe we aren't giving gay republicans their due. Just because they are Republican or consider themselves conservative may not mean that they don't support gay rights. In the media we often see the polarized versions of Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberal. They are either one or the other and very strongly so. However, I'm sure we've all met a Republican who actually supported gay marriage or a Democrat who didn't. What does it take to be considered one or the other? Must you be either in every possible way, or can you have more moderate, and even some opposite leaning, views?

I recently read about a gay Republican conference with the one and only Anne Fucking Coulter as a speaker. Now, I always thought she hated the gays. Why is she speaking at a gay conference? That's a story for another day. I read up on these particular Republicans and found that while they use that label, they are also in support of gay marriage. It was a shock; I always found gay and Republican/conservative to be mutually exclusive. That was my turning point.

I think we are being shortsighted when we assume that all conservatives hate gay people and don't support gay marriage and that gay people can't hold conservative views. We see what a certain conservatism looks like in the supporters of Prop 8, who use hollow arguments to support their claims. But what about others? What about liberals or Democrats (a lot of people see them as one in the same for some reason) who actually don't support gay marriage? What about clearly outspoken conservatives like Elizabeth Hasselbeck who actually do (trust me, I was just as surprised as you are)? Why do we keep putting people in boxes and only assigning them the most naive, idealistic qualities or the worth and most negative qualities?

People exist on a spectrum. Their views lie on a political or ideological spectrum. Gays can be Republicans just like they are most often assumed to be Democrats or liberals. I know where I stand. It's time I and others recognized that just because we are gay does not mean we all have the same views.

My Hands

This summer has been full of things for me. Inside the mediocrity that is working and living I have read many books, made a list of goals to accomplish for the moment and in the next year, drank, taken bubble baths, ended a relationship, pondered new ones, beaten a video game and gotten closer to people whom I've always wanted to build a relationship with.

The game I beat, Final Fantasy XIII, was beautiful, but that is a story for another day (which I should actually do). The end theme, "My Hands" by Leona Lewis, is both beautiful and inspiring. I listened to it non-stop after I beat the game because, at that point, it was an anthem and a testament to getting up and moving, even when you don't want to, even after so long. After Z and I broke up, it became my anthem, my manifesto. Even when I didn't feel like getting up and going about my day, I'd do it. When I had moments that made me feel so weak I wanted to drop to the floor and scream, I didn't. I kept moving. I had to force myself to keep going. Melodrama aside, the song really did keep me going.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't made my bed in the morning (or when I finally decide to get up). I eat breakfast every day. I've started to floss AND brush my teeth at night (no comment...). In short, though My Hands would love to be held again, especially by someone whom I cared so deeply about, I know they may not be for a while. And that is okay. My world is feeling warm again. I can feel the winter melting away into my new spring.

The song also has a sense of resolution, even in its words of uncertainty and longing for a past love. My summer has the same feeling. My life is reaching a point of closure, the end of a chapter to usher in the next one. So many things will change, even in the next month, and I am getting ready to face them. I will enter a new chapter in my life.

Here's the song (with the nifty FFXIII logo :D)

Let It Out - Deux

Here is the PV to "Let It Out" by Miho Fukuhara. I'll let the song do the talking.

Gay

Today, I cried for all the people I know and for the many I don't know who have suffered some kind of injustice or unkindness because they were gay, whether from their parents, friends, government or even complete strangers. Today, I also cried because I am lucky.

I didn't get bullied in high school; I was off the radar. My mom didn't, and still may not, like that I'm gay, but she loves and supports me regardless. There is not a day that I am not thankful for all she has done for me. I haven't lost any friends because I'm gay, and, for the most part, I've had better relationships than worse. I was and am lucky. I don't deal with the same struggles as my brothers and sisters in some nations in Africa or the Middle East, where they could very well forfeit their lives for love of someone of the same sex. I've never been kicked out or abused because I am gay. I am lucky. I am loved. And so is everyone else. So should they be.

There isn't much I can do from this point and position in life besides offer my support. For anyone who has been subject to homophobia or abuse, I am so sorry. I don't think anyone should ever have to endure that just because they like or love someone of the same sex or a different race, religion, ethnicity, etc. But, even if our music and our movies constantly talk of love, our world is not one as full of love as it is of hate and despair. You know what, though? It so could be.

We could create a world where EVERYONE was loved, where we all coexisted and no one had rights taken away except for those who seek to take the rights from others (I'm looking at you, Prop 8 supporters). Being gay would be no different from being straight. Being black, asian, white, hispanic, middle eastern, european, latin would be no different from each other. In fact, none of these things are essentially different (we simply are one, maybe even more, of these things) besides some physical representation, but we treat them as wholly different and unequal.

I've thought of becoming a counselor for gay and lesbian people, adolescents and adults alike. That way, I can leave my mark and change lives in a way that I believe I was made for. I may end up pursuing this endeavor.

Until then, we must all, gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, and questioning, keep our heads high. The world won't be like this forever. We were chosen to exist here and now for a reason. If not, then I offer an apology for each of your struggles.

Color

One: I really love one word titles, even if they do seem pretentious at times.

Two: The paradox of the word pretentious is that you have to be pretentious to even use it.

Three: I actually am going to write about something substantial.

Anyway, as you may or may not know, I am currently living in an apartment. It is a lovely experience, except for losing $300 more dollars every month. Said apartment complex has a pool that my roomie and I visit at least once a week. In going to the pool I have gotten much more sun than usual and have become darker. I'm not like black black, but I am considerably more brown than I used to be. Every time I come in from the pool I look darker, much darker by my own perception, though this wears off after a while. I like getting sun but I don't want to be dark. For some reason, I equate dark with bad. Why?

I'm not attracted to dark-skinned men. It's just not my thing. I think part of this stems from the stigma among the black community that the darker you are, the worse off you are. I've mentioned before the concept of being marked (at least I think I have). By being anything other than white and straight and male, you're automatically marked, but the more you differ from others the worse your mark. Long ago, dark skinned people probably had it worse than their lighter compatriots. I think that stigma carries.

Light skinned people are more often viewed as beautiful. You don't want to be dark. So, when I looked down at my skin yesterday and realized that I am still that wonderful caramel color, just a bit darker, I was relieved. I had to stop and think, though, about my aversion to becoming darker. I feel like I won't have as great a chance as finding a guy (it really sucks when someone tells you that he's 'not into black guys,' even if he's completely honest). My skin color shouldn't be an issue. I don't find a lot of Asian men attractive (except Harry Shum, Jr.), but I'm never going to tell an Asian man I won't date him because 'I'm not into Asian men.' I don't know if this is sugarcoating (okay, it is), but I will say, 'No,' and it should be as simple as that.

I love my skin color and always have. Any darkening of the skin won't be (too) permanent, so I shouldn't worry. But I should never have to worry that people will see me differently if I am darker, and I should never treat someone differently because my skin is lighter or darker than theirs. Our skin color should never be a determinate in those we find attractive or of how we treat others.

Yet, why do we still even worry about that?

Attendance

I'm going to go on the record and say that I do not think it necessary, at all, for one to attend church to be saved or receive or even seek salvation. Yes, I think it helps, but I don't believe it's necessary. My parents and many others will disagree, I know, but I've thought this for a long time.

I appreciate the fact that my mother eventually gave me the choice of whether or not to go to church. It is a freedom I would not have had in my father's home. I know it would make her happy to see me go every Sunday, but she also knows that I may not be happy there. This isn't an issue of sexual orientation for me, like many people believe it is, though it may have started as one. As I got older, I began to realize that I'd rather spend my Sunday in bed watching cartoons, not going to a church service where I felt my and other's actions were mechanical, that I did everything because everyone else did. I didn't ever feel the need to raise my hands to God except to do what everyone else did. I don't think tithing is the way to prosperity. I believe in God and I am growing comfortable with him, but I think he and I both know that I am more comfortable outside of church.

I have had some good experiences there. I have also had some pretty damn boring experiences (church and calculus both make for a good nap; Sorry, God). And not going to church fits right in line with no desire to go and a desire to do nothing. What I don't get though, is the pressure to go. My parents say it is necessary to fellowship. When I get an inkling to go, is that God speaking to me? Am I ignoring his will? Am I being to comfortable not going? I am open to going in the future, but only if I so choose. It's not wrong for me to believe differently or have a faith that isn't the same as others, so why do I feel like my faith absolutely must be the same?

I don't intend to have my father's faith, though that's what he keeps impressing on me. His way is the right way because he believes he's on the right path. There is no room for deviation. There is only damnation awaiting me. I don't subscribe to that. I do, however, believe that my own personal faith is private. It is not something I intend to share. I will discuss and contemplate with others the nature of faith, God, religion, spirituality and things of the like. I won't, however, share, or even be able to share, the most intimate and innermost parts of my personal belief system. I wake up in the morning and pray for guidance, strength, forgiveness, and protection for myself and everyone else in this world. I am becoming truly happy. To me, this is perfect. I hate to break tradition or be the spiritual (not religious) black sheep of my family, but that's where I feel at home.

I just wish others could see that.