31 Day Reset: Day 1

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I randomly came across a month-long activity called the 31 Day Reset. It spoke to me. Because, you know, if my life had a reset button I *might* have pushed it by now, but who knows.

Anywho, it's a journey of self-discovery. I'm pretty much all about that. I want to see if I can and will stick to the program, what I'll find, the themes for the different days. And something important I told myself this morning: Do this for Allen, not to find love or become a better partner, but to become more connected to Allen and let your love for him grow.

Yesterday I read three important things: An introspection journal I wrote last summer and two love letters I've written to myself. The journal revealed just how bad I felt last summer, to the point of saying, 'When I see guys I'm attracted to, I go, 'He'd never like me. I'm not hot enough.'' It hurt to read that. Luckily, I'm not in that exact place anymore, but to have concrete evidence of not truly loving myself? I faced a harsh reality. On the other hand, the love letters revealed something different: even on my darkest days, the love I have for myself is real and growing and has the possibility to sustain.

For the most part, yesterday wasn't the greatest day, but when I read the second letter, I found this gem: Never forget that I love you, that I love that your face is the first face I see every day. I've been searching for love, and I'd love for someone to write that to me. Just thinking that *I* was the one who wrote those words was and is powerful. I was the one who said something like that to me. Therefore, I realized I can create an everlasting love within myself that will lay the groundwork for my other relationships, romantic, familial, platonic or otherwise.

I can already feel the change. I am working hard to change the negative self-talk. I feel more real around my family, even without saying I'm gay and atheist. I feel more authentic. More me.

So, for 31 days, I'm going to go on a journey to find more of me. No, I don't think the picture will be complete, but I will have a better grasp on who 'me' really is. I look forward to any revelations I encounter.

So, for day 1, I had to find a journal, a mantra, and a theme song. I'm using my goal book, even though it isn't blank, because I know I will go back and read it, just as I do now. My mantra is, 'Act out of Love, not Fear.' My theme song? 'Step by Step' by Whitney Houston.

I'm excited for this. Simply, it sounds cool. But, what if I make it to Day 31? What's waiting for me? I'd like to see :)

A Moment's Reprieve

I had a good cry in the car today. I was blindsided by 'I'm a Survivor' by Reba McEntire. It was kind of weird, but I accepted it. I just let the tears flow. As a result, my head is a bit more clear.

You see, I've been hurting. Not being in a relationship still shocks my system sometimes. Some days are easy, others are not. So, now, my life is on a day to day basis and I try to take my emotions as they come, though I still end up blocking some of them without even noticing.

What I realized, though, is that I've tried to mend the hurt by looking for 'The One.' You know, almost four months after my relationship has ended. I think, 'Surely I'll find him today!' Except that's hiding behind some harmful and unrealistic optimism. I don't know if I've already met my soulmate, or if I've already lost him. Chances are, I haven't met him at all. And, honestly, soulmates may not even exist; what may exist, though, are highly compatible partners. Moral of the story: I just don't know.

So why spend my life looking at faces to see if one of them is 'it'? Why try to mold myself to find my next true love? I don't mind dating, but damn I need a new strategy and perspective. Now that I am single, I can move to Nashville (which has a high likelihood of happening after I graduate), New York or wherever the hell I want to, at least at this point, without consulting someone else. My mother could object to my moving to another city, but her input would have much less impact than a long-term romantic partner. I can accomplish what I want to at my leisure. I get to work on myself, a much easier task to accomplish when single, at least from my experience.

There was one point where I wondered whether I'd even be in a relationship that lasted longer than three months. At this point, I have been. Just because things feel all bleak and shit at this juncture doesn't mean they always will. Hell, not even all of my days are bad. I just have to take them as they come, and, when the anxiety or depression hits, I have to go on with my life.

I'm just very tired of sitting here feeling sorry for myself, lamenting this dry spell, and missing him. It won't happen instantly, and I won't feel like this every day, but I'm ready to move forward. I'll do what it takes. The strength I thought existed only when Z was by my side is still here, and that's a wonderful revelation. I'm strong enough to do this. So, it's time to put on my big boy panties, get shit done, and get on with my life.

Sure, I'll miss him for a long time. I'll hurt for an indefinite amount of time. Yet, all of that shouldn't keep me from connecting with others, romantically or platonically, out of fear that I'll experience this again. There are a lot of 'Fear' statements in my life and I'd like to get rid of them.

Allen, it's time to willingly leave the darkness and step into the light. Nothing good can come from staying here.

So, I won't.