Resolution

First off, resolutions are really just a hollow tradition that people follow every year and never really see through. I'm not making resolutions; I just used that word because it fits best.

There are a lot of things I want to change. I want to become closer with God, I want to become happier with myself (I've come to realize I'm not as satisfied as I think). I want to do at least one good deed a day for the whole year, just to see if I can. Not like these'll be hard, they'll just take discipline, and, of course, change. I want to read and write and paint; become reacquainted with all the things I have a passion for. My art has been struck on the wayside. I really need to stop watching so much tv and get back to doing the things I love. Playing my DS included, because I love that little piece of technology so much...

I really want to get closer to my friends and family, show them how much I care about them. But, at the same time, I can't just hang around one set. I have more than just 5 or 6 friends, actual friends, and I need to remind myself and others that. Besides, I've found that hanging around the same people all the time gets to be extremely tiring and taxing; not because of them (all the time...), but just because it's the same thing. Maybe that's why I was a social nomad in high school.

2007 was a major improvement over 2006, and I think 2008 is going to be even better. Here's to hope and promise, and maybe a little love :)

Pansies for thoughtful recollection to bring me into the new year.

Straight

Another straight boy. At least this time I found out through Honesty Box. He seemed so.. Gay, too.

Yea, I know, I was wrong, as I usually am, but really. If you saw this guy you'd think the same thing I did. In fact, other people have. And by other people I mean one person. But one person is better support than none.

This isn't a post about being tired of falling for straight boys; that is most definitely a given. It's about falling for a straight boy again. I honestly just don't understand it. It sucks because those that are actually on my defunct radar are the ones I don't want anything to do with. Especially around here; the gay boys are just so... I don't know how to put it. But I know, for sure, that they breed way too much drama, they all know each other, and making a list of connections between them would not only be tedious, but it would just make me feel like I'd be wasting my time going for one.

So, yea, pointless. I'll make it one day, though. I promise.

Ah, wormwood for tormented love. I'm sure some of you know that it is the ingredient in Absinthe that makes it a hallucinogen. Well, my tormented love for my amorphous prince leads me to hallucinate and see people for things they are not.

Duvet

It's Thanksgiving and, man, am I thankful. I have wonderful friends, family, an excellent mother, all I could ask for. Today, I got a chance to see everyone I really love, except for my dad and some of my friends that live out of town. It's a little cliche to feel this on today of all days, but it really reminded me how many people care about me in my life.

It's been an interesting day. I've felt, weird, emotionally. I thought about telling Friend B that even though he pisses me off and I act like a jackass, I'm thankful for him being my friend. Of course, I didn't want him to get the idea that I am wishy-washy and begging for forgiveness, even though only the former is true and I haven't done anything that would need forgiving in the first place. As of a few minutes ago, I'm glad I didn't.

He published a note on Facebook about all the people he's thankful for. He even mentioned a group of friends from the town I'm in. Nothing about me. Not a blurb, not even a quick thought. Is it foolish to think he's not thankful for me? It's a little easier, though his words, or lack thereof, kinda cut deep. It hurts me probably more than he even cares to imagine right now. I wish he would understand just how much of what he does actually pains me sometimes. Onto the second point...

I think I'm far too emotional and it's about time to put a tether on that. I'm almost 20; shouldn't I have some of my emotions in check at least? I need to grow up and stop letting things hurt me. I need to quit being the emotional victim and quit letting people hurt me. Each time I find myself hurt by someone, it's by some sort of passive interaction; it's never been anything they deliberately thought out, to my knowledge anyway. I've always been so afraid of what my life would be like if I held back and actually did put mental force into controlling my emotions. I've been scared of what that kind of walling would do to me. I'm still scared...

Love in the Mist for the delicacy of my heart, even though I try it, and for the perplexity of my emotions, something I couldn't hide if I tried.

Negligence

I view the blog as my baby, and if it really were, I'd probably be in police or Child Services custody right now. I told myself the other day not to make it a blog about bitching; sure, it's fine to vent, but I don't want someone to see this and just view me as some emotional and unappreciative brat.

I'm watching Project Runway, a simple pleasure for cable tv. I love this show. So much! I wish I could design even with half the talent of the worst contestants. I'm afraid my favorite is going to get kicked off tonight...

This break, even though I do have to work for most of its duration, is well needed. Like my Fall Break, I'm getting the chance to really relax, something I can't always do in a dorm room. I needed to get away from everything and everyone. No foul against them, with a couple exceptions, but the emotional tension I feel is usually that preceeding my "disappearing act." I shell up in my room for a few days, or weeks like last fall. Seriously, I don't know what I did for the latter half of the semester. Somehow I survived til the spring. I don't want to do that to my friends though, but I'm reaching that point. What do I need to say or do to prevent this?

I just need time to think. I always need time to think. Away from people. It's one of my neuroses and I hate it.

I wanted to find a flower that symbolized negligence, but instead I went with a Morning Glory, which can symbolize departure. I chose a single, blue one because, guess why for the former, and blue has always had a somber feel to it. Even though the color of this flower is incredibly vibrant, the blue gets the emotions across that I intended.

Doing Too Much

I'm really going to get in trouble for this one...

Is it seriously too much to ask for people to give an explanation why they disappear or why they're upset? One friend told me to 'leave him the fuck alone' after I questioned why he was being shady and why he basically stopped talking to one of my girl-friends (he was fucking interested in her then he just disappeared!) and another told me he was dealing with issues other than the one I was involved in and that I should leave him alone to sort his stuff out.

Breakdown: I was wrong in not allowing both of them their time. Friend A is dealing with some, apparently, major stuff and he wanted to be left alone. Friend B, same territory, but he just said he didn't want to talk about a certain issue and mentioned nothing else.

What I shouldn't be blamed for: Friend A told me about the issue and I told him I was here for him and all that and that he just shouldn't disappear because it wouldn't fix anything. I told him I can't and won't make him do something he doesn't want to do. Friend B said he didn't want to talk about the issue "Not now," but it's not uncommon for him to do that. He messed with my patience because I couldn't figure out why he was mad at me, because he really doesn't have a reason.

Yea, this is biased, but whatever. Just don't expect me to telepathically pick up on things that are going on with you. How am I supposed to know if you don't tell me? If you disappear I am no more the wiser than anyone else. If you're mad at me and you're dealing with other things, just say so! Don't say you're mad and you want to talk about it, stop talking, then mention other problems. For now on, I'm going to let people know stuff like that. Maybe I'm just a bad friend for wanting to find stuff out and fix problems. I know what I did wrong, but it still doesn't justify the shit I got back.

My friends frustrate me sometimes. That's why I need this break.

Scarlet Auricula for my pride. Too proud to say I'm wrong. But I really wonder how wrong I am....

Still, Unrequited.

I knew it was pointless.

Sweet Alyssum for what I'm worth. Sweet Alyssum because this is all I can fucking hold onto.

Anger (Reprise)

I am angry because I am not loved.
I am angry because I have the love of friends, and that that love can't overshadow the lack of true romantic love.
I am angry because I don't know what love is.
I am angry because I am constantly passed over in favor of someone "better."
I am angry because no one realizes how good I could be for them.
I am angry because I have to say these things to myself; no one else is willing to say them for me.
I am angry because I am underconfident and don't know how to talk to men.
I am angry because I feel like I have to be a whore to finally be recognized, even if it won't be for who I really am.
I am angry because I fell in love once and it destroyed my world, and I'm falling in love again with what feels like the same results.
I am angry because I am invisible.
I am angry because I have love to give and no one's willing to receive.
I am angry because I am unappreciated, unappealing, and unworthy.
I am still angry because I'm not loved.
I am angry because no one calls me beautiful.
I am angry because I am alone.
I am angry because I dress well and no one notices.
I am angry because I know part of the reason I was created was to find and give love, but only half of this is being met.
I am angry because I'm not loved.
I am angry because I'm not loved.

I'm crying because I'm not loved.

The Walk

"It's not meant to feel like this
It's not what I had planned at all"

It's not. Why does my night feel so empty? I find myself in love, yes, in love, with a boy. Simple equation. Me + heart = wreck. I don't know where these strong feelings come from, but they hit me so hard sometimes, and they turn me into this weak heap of emotion. I find myself being mad at him for not wanting me the way I want him, but that's not fair. Not in the slightest.

It just feels so useless to say something. I'm trying to be a good friend, and I'm succeeding. It's just... I want to be more than that, but I can't find room to even voice this opinion because, besides the fact that I'm weak and severely underconfident, he comes to me with his problems about guys or about how he's thinking about this new guy. It just leaves me to wonder "Where the hell am I in all this?" I want to say something but I feel like I'm being looked over, and that's never been a pleasant feeling for me. Whenever I even get close to mustering to nerve to finally saying how I feel, I encounter something that makes me want to either run away or start throwing shit. Speaking of throwing shit, my cell phone came dangerously close to being a mark on the wall and a mess on the floor.

I'm tired of being in love and not being loved back. That's why I made this blog. That's why I have confidence issues. It's why I always expect guys to turn me down, and that strong aversion to rejection leaves me inactive.

Am I going to be unhappy for the rest of my life? I'm a good catch; it's about time someone else realized that and I stopped having to say it to myself. This is getting pitiful.

"Get me out of here"

Daffodil. Unrequited love. Enough said. Maybe that's why it's always been one of my favorite flowers... I chose the picture of the field because I felt it best reflected my interaction with others in terms of romance. Each of those flowers represents one love who didn't love back, one boy who never heard my words, one tear cried from the dischord between a heart with a world of love to offer and a world with no heart to offer.

Yea.

Wonderland

Inagural post...

This is sort of a continuation on a post I made a couple of months ago on LiveJournal.

I know what I want in a man, but I find myself settling for so much less than the image I picture or deserve. Is this a result of high standards or a biting sense of realization that no man is going to measure, which is in essence high standards... It's just so frustrating!

I'm a chronic sufferer of nice guy syndrome: I'm that one you go to for help but when it comes to anything beyond a friendship, I am suddenly invisible. I am also somehow off the radar of any guy I see, unless I just don't notice these things. I know this is an age old argument, especially coming from my perspective, but some days I just get tired of it. I get along fine; I make myself happy, I know I'm attractive, and I dress damn well. But some nights... I just come into my room and it's so lonely and empty and dark and this is too old. If sleeping with people could make me happy, I'd do it. But I've told myself time and time again that to settle for less than what I know I want and deserve is not being fair to myself or whoever I'm with.

Today, it just became too much for me. I'll elaborate later.

I still want a lot of things.

The flower is the Primrose - symbol of sadness.