Self-Hatred

Landslide has done it to me again.

Somewhere along the line, I got the message that I'm not supposed to like myself. I am not the default. I'm Black, so I'm not as smart. I'm gay, so I can't get married and I can't be a real man. I don't have a religion, so I'm going to Hell. None of my friends and family ever told me any of this (besides the messages, implicit and explicit, about being gay).

I've had self-esteem issues for a long time, it's just I've learned to hide them well. I had to teach myself what self-love is and what it feels like, no one could do that for me. All my life I've been 'different' from other people, and at some point it really got to me. I honestly felt I couldn't be loved as a gay man because I'm Black, that I couldn't be accepted by anyone because I'm Black and gay. There are days where I don't wake up loving myself. Why do you think I care so much about my appearance?

Because if someone loves the outside, maybe, just maybe, they'll love the inside.

We live in a country and a world where we have to teach ourselves to love ourselves. Self-acceptance is an elusive goal. We are constantly being told that if something was different, we'll be more accepted. If I could just wear better clothes, if I could be smarter, if I could be White, if I could be straight, if I could be Christian: if I could, then someone would love me. Right?

I don't know how many of you grew up with these messages, or if you did at all. But I did, and it's taken a lot of work to get around them, but to also make sure that I didn't do the same to anyone else. When I was 12, I made fun of a girl for having big lips (which is all sorts of ironic). Then a bunch of boys one day came up to me to tell me I'm gay, eventually passing around a petition, signing their names, as another declaration of the fact. I've been on the receiving and giving ends.

I'm writing from an emotional state, so I feel a bit all over the place, but my point stands. At one point or another, I've hated myself. That's no way to live, and sometimes this is no world to live in.

Implicit

I'm going to get into some trouble for this one, but that is neither here nor there.

I believe that racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, ageism, and all those various isms exist. I mean, I'm Black and gay; to not believe in such things gives real credence to the idea that 'ignorance is bliss.' However, all of these forms of discrimination have taken on another form. One that is not easy to discover, see, or understand. One that is constantly defended as a natural part of our status quo. These are all implicit, institutionalized, quiet, and sometimes 'innocent.'

Racism today does not look like racism of 50 years ago. Homophobia has seeped into our language in seemingly benign ways. Now you have to dig for them. However, trouble arises in that, when you dig, sometimes you think you've found something significant when it isn't, or other times people don't accept your message.

'This is the way things are,' or 'It was all innocent,' or the very common, 'It was a joke. Lighten up!' I see this especially among video game players and comic fans. Many people turn a blind eye to the extreme lack of representation of various minority groups and women, or benignly accept how these people are portrayed. And let someone raise awareness to this fact; if you do so, you have a veritable shitstorm on your hands for 'Making race an issue' or 'Looking for things that aren't there.'

Some of this is based on perception. Sometimes, if you don't see it, you just don't. However, that's why the implicit nature of these forms of discrimination is dangerous. If you don't question, you don't find anything. When you do question, you find more than what is there. But it is these same forms of implicit discrimination that is at the root of the belief that Black men are lazy, women aren't as strong as men, and the idea that comics and video games are for boys. We accept these as our daily life, not bothering to wonder if things could be better. Nor do we question how we help sustain such deplorable systems.

I have a feeling people are always going to tell me I'm looking for things that aren't there. I don't care. I'd rather be wrong some of the time than to lower my awareness when it comes to forces within our society that do us no justice (and often affect the justice system) and that support the idea that, based on different characteristics, some people are lesser or some things are only for some people.

ABCs of Gaming!

Here we go! A change from the usual social awareness stuff :)

A – Angry Birds

B – Bayonetta

C – Chrono Trigger

D – DDRMax2

E – Elite Beat Agents

F – Final Fantasy XIII

G – Gardening Mama

H – Hercules

I – Inu Yasha: The Secret of the Cursed Mask

J – Just Dance 2

K – Kingdom Hearts

L – Legend of Mana

M – Marvel Ultimate Alliance

N – Ninja Gaiden

O – Oddworld: Abe’s Odyssey

P – Pokemon

Q - Qbert

R – Robopon

S – Super Scribblenauts

T – Tatsunoko vs Capcom

U – Unlimited Saga

V – Virtua Fighter

W – The World Ends with You

X – X-men: Mutant Academy

Y – YuGiOh! World Championship 2004

Z – Zombies Ate My Neighbors!