One Year Later

It's always darkest before the dawn.

One year ago today, something happened that would set the course of the next twelve months for me. My boyfriend of two years and I broke up. That night was as hard as it could be, as the shock could only set in so much. It got worse. I found myself spiraling, seeking counseling, making mistakes and trying my best to recover. I wasn't sure how I'd get through what was expected to be and what actually was the hardest semester of my life without my rock, my source of strength. At my darkest, I wasn't sure what today would look like. And yet... I'm here.

I'm here after assessments I wasn't sure when I would finish, but did. I'm here after dates that worked out and dates that didn't and that almost sorta but not really boyfriend. I'm here after that one night I cried so much my eyes were puffy and swollen the next day, the day I had to take place in new student orientation. I'm here after tests and presentations with no one to invite but my classmates. I'm here after nights where the anxiety was so bad, I had to smoke to be able to eat or sleep. I'm here after trying to go back and being turned down.

This past year has been the hardest and the best year of my life. This was the year I finally decided to love myself actively, that I decided to look at my actions and really question whether or not they made me feel happy or good. I have seen tremendous growth, pain, progress, and love, and none of that could have happened if I had stayed in that relationship. These are all things I know now that I did not in the depths of my pain, moments in which I made decisions that caused someone pain. And yet, I could not and would not be the person I am right now, in this moment, had I not made those mistakes.

It's weird to think that leaving a relationship led to some of the greatest things happening in my life, but it did. Don't think, though, that the person I was with was an asshole to me. No, quite the opposite. He tried, he really did, and I started to see that once we were through, though that did not mean we were supposed to still be together (though telling me this last September would not have made the slightest of sense).

I'm happy that something so heartbreaking led me to become a much better person as a result, even if I had to make mistakes and bad choices along the way. I hope things ended up for him the same way, but that's the most energy I'm going to devote to that endeavor. Today, one year later, it's time for me to step forward and worry about myself and those in my life, not someone who isn't here anymore, though I will always wishing him Love, Light, Peace and Healing.

Months ago, I wasn't sure what it would take to get here. I wasn't sure what it would look like. Sometimes, it really was just hard to get to tomorrow, rather than months and months later. Yet, I'm here, as a testament that pain does pass, though it will be a companion to us at various points in our lives; this is a Truth that will never change.

I'm glad that, though things are not the way I want them to be, they worked out in a way that led to positive things. I may not be as overwhelmingly happy as I was in February, but I'm gaining a profound sense of peace. I can see life in different ways. Even on my bad days, I can trust that my life will be okay, that I will be okay, as long as I rise to match the sun and keep moving forward even if I feel I don't have the strength to do so.

So, in essence, thanks. Thanks for no longer being here, because it forced me to stand on my own (with help from my friends) and realize just what I'm capable of and what I deserve. Thanks for being the catalyst in me loving myself. Sorry for the pain I caused along the way. I still have progress to make and things to forgive, but I've come such a long way even to get to this point. My hope stays strong that I won't feel this way forever, that one day the anxiety surrounding you will be gone and the freedom I feel in fleeting moments will last until I die.

Something so painful led to something so good, and as a result I started to really shine, something that has gone on to affect others in a loving and positive way. You're partly to thank for that.

A Talk with My Father

I told my father I don't believe in God. He didn't take it well.

Open and Honest

Yesterday I had this post planned out. Now, I'm struggling to pull my thoughts together. There are so many.

The past year has been heartbreaking, heart wrenching, beautiful, healing, and inspiring, and I still have a long way to go! I've ended a relationship, finally started to actually date in the casual sense, told my mother and father that I'm an atheist, dedicated my life to love, fucked up any chance of a friendship with my ex, started making amends with others and myself, and began to be honest. So much has happened.

Sometimes, I worry that I'm not being genuine, that I'm faking this Love. I worry that others see me as weird (I know; we've gone over this). I worry that my downs are what people see and define me by. I worry that my downs define me in general. But, when I am honest and compassionate with myself, I find that worry has no place in my life, but will be a constant companion.

I had to learn that, even though I've dedicated myself to Loving, pain and insecurity are still going to be around. I'm still going to have bad days. Things are going to happen that I don't like and that are out of my control. What matters is that I get through each of these things, keeping my faith, hope, and love intact. In fact, I've found that Hope is one of the best, brightest, and strongest parts of me, and it makes my life a lot easier. I mean, where do you get in life without hoping that things will be great?

In an attempt to pull all these thoughts together: my life has changed in a wonderful way, and I'm happy for that. No, everything is not the way I want, but I trust that everything is as it should be, though even this statement is hard to deal with.

I'm done trying to wrest control of everything in my life. I'd rather just take this thing moment by moment. It'd behoove me to be a bit less high strung anyway.