So, I'm pretty sure I've reached the one year mark. I was going to make a special anniversary post and everything haha! But, alas, I didn't. The blog has still been here for a year, though. So, woo, one year!
I've started writing in my journal again. I had one from four, yes, four years ago that I barely wrote in. So, it's going to fill up one of these days. I was just so upset over the Q thing that I had to put my feelings somewhere (Remember: I don't always talk to people about my problems). I even started my first post just like Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, because, unfortunately, they are pretty damn close to the truth.
So, I don't know what to do with the blog. The whole reason I started it was to put a voice to some of the things I had been feeling. The journal, though, is a lot more therapeutic.
At any rate, I get to eat lunch with one of my favorite and most dear people in the world: Mama C. Seriously, she's a year younger than me but she has a lot of insight and is able to help me with problems in ways other people can't. I also get to meet up with a new prospect, otherwise known as L. I think today is going to be a good day.
Old friends and a (possibly) new boy
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Take Your Sweet Time
I was honest.
I said that I'm constantly trying to reconcile my feelings for him with the fact that we are choosing to be friends. I either want to be around him or by myself. And I don't feel bad.
I'm not always terribly honest about my feelings because I'm scared of being hurt. I'm used to being rebuffed when I say how I feel, and that carries. I'm trying to stop being scared of that outcome though. I could be considered crazy, emotional, or whatever, and that very well could be the case. Still, I don't feel bad.
More than anything, I'm glad I got it off my chest. It was painful; it was a distraction. And, for the most part, it's gone. I have the rest of my day, and life, to live.
There should be no regrets when you say how you honestly feel. And there aren't any.
I said that I'm constantly trying to reconcile my feelings for him with the fact that we are choosing to be friends. I either want to be around him or by myself. And I don't feel bad.
I'm not always terribly honest about my feelings because I'm scared of being hurt. I'm used to being rebuffed when I say how I feel, and that carries. I'm trying to stop being scared of that outcome though. I could be considered crazy, emotional, or whatever, and that very well could be the case. Still, I don't feel bad.
More than anything, I'm glad I got it off my chest. It was painful; it was a distraction. And, for the most part, it's gone. I have the rest of my day, and life, to live.
There should be no regrets when you say how you honestly feel. And there aren't any.
Breaking Point
I'm a weak and vulnerable human being.
But at least I'm growing to be an open and honest weak and vulnerable human being.
More on that later.
But at least I'm growing to be an open and honest weak and vulnerable human being.
More on that later.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Psychic Energy
Oooo. Haha, no, nothing mystical, supernatural, or superhuman. Psychic energy involves, basically, energy of the mind, the amount of energy you put into tasks, thoughts, etc.
As an introvert, I draw energy from within and find it taxing to be around too many people for long periods of time. As I've mentioned before, it's hard to be around a small group consistently without going crazy. I need and have to take time for myself to think, to recharge, recoup, relax, that kind of deal.
Tonight, I asked Q if he wanted to go eat with me and he said sure. We get there and I pick a table that, by the time we left, is packed. That's my bad. I like being enclosed, but not surrounded. Anyway, two of our friends come over, which was okay, but I would've preferred just eating with Q unless things like that were established. I'm really weird about that kind of stuff. They had more people with them, whom I didn't really want to eat with, so they had to move, and if I wanted to move, I would've gone with them, but I didn't. So one of the friends is communicating across the way with Q through signals and what not and I found myself pissed. Maybe because the spotlight wasn't on me. At any rate, I almost spoke up and said, "You can go sit with them. I'm not stopping you." Like I said, it just made me angry. So, we leave, and I feel not only angry, but like a freaking puppy dog (completely irrational). So, needless to say, I was very happy when we left.
By the time I got back to my room, I was still slightly angry, and I attribute it to the fact that I may have spent a bit more energy than I intended to in the first place. I expected a quiet dinner alone with a friend and felt like I got the exact opposite. I don't like when I'm around people and I feel like they're paying more attention to people that are around than me. I don't like being around a ton of people to begin with, even if I love Christmas at the mall (remember: enclosed, not surrounded).
Whatever, I'm spending my weekend alone, which was the plan. So, I begin my foray into recharge mode. Hook me up :)
As an introvert, I draw energy from within and find it taxing to be around too many people for long periods of time. As I've mentioned before, it's hard to be around a small group consistently without going crazy. I need and have to take time for myself to think, to recharge, recoup, relax, that kind of deal.
Tonight, I asked Q if he wanted to go eat with me and he said sure. We get there and I pick a table that, by the time we left, is packed. That's my bad. I like being enclosed, but not surrounded. Anyway, two of our friends come over, which was okay, but I would've preferred just eating with Q unless things like that were established. I'm really weird about that kind of stuff. They had more people with them, whom I didn't really want to eat with, so they had to move, and if I wanted to move, I would've gone with them, but I didn't. So one of the friends is communicating across the way with Q through signals and what not and I found myself pissed. Maybe because the spotlight wasn't on me. At any rate, I almost spoke up and said, "You can go sit with them. I'm not stopping you." Like I said, it just made me angry. So, we leave, and I feel not only angry, but like a freaking puppy dog (completely irrational). So, needless to say, I was very happy when we left.
By the time I got back to my room, I was still slightly angry, and I attribute it to the fact that I may have spent a bit more energy than I intended to in the first place. I expected a quiet dinner alone with a friend and felt like I got the exact opposite. I don't like when I'm around people and I feel like they're paying more attention to people that are around than me. I don't like being around a ton of people to begin with, even if I love Christmas at the mall (remember: enclosed, not surrounded).
Whatever, I'm spending my weekend alone, which was the plan. So, I begin my foray into recharge mode. Hook me up :)
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Christianity as a Closet
How many gay men and women have we met that fought their sexuality so long through Christianity? We really can't say, because we don't always know. But what strength lies in hiding your homosexuality inside of Christianity? You open the closet and it's there; staring at you. It's like that sweater you can't take back. It's always lingering somewhere in the back of the closet, no matter how hard you try to tuck it back.
Honestly, I find this counter-intuitive. Extremely. When I was younger, trying to use religion as a means of keeping my sexuality a secret caused me more pain than good. Now, I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm gay AND I believe in God. Sometimes you just have to ask :). Joke aside, whether you choose to adopt a gay lifestyle or acknowledge your sexuality and choose a life of celibacy, I don't see the shame in hiding yourself from you. You have to learn to embrace him or her in everything he or she is, good and bad. It's psychologically healthy. Jung's archetype, the shadow, is everything bad we see about ourselves. We can't move forward if we don't embrace the shadow. This doesn't mean coming out with the intensity of a pride parade, but it does mean looking at yourself and saying "I'm gay" and taking it from there. Once it's over, you realize just how simple that is. I understand that family and friends may react negatively; that is always a possibility. As far as that is concerned, do it when you know it's safe. There's a difference
between hiding your whole life and hiding until you can handle it.
I'm a firm believer that God can and will love you, no matter what. I'll see my good atheist and agnostic friends in Heaven, or the lack thereof, just like I'll see my gay friends too. And if there's a huge void when we die, well, we can rest easy into the darkness, but I digress. So, why use something that will cause you pain when you choose to hide in it instead of embracing it with who you are completely?
It took me a while to figure it out, and I made peace with my life. I hope you can find that peace with who you are too.
Love.
Honestly, I find this counter-intuitive. Extremely. When I was younger, trying to use religion as a means of keeping my sexuality a secret caused me more pain than good. Now, I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm gay AND I believe in God. Sometimes you just have to ask :). Joke aside, whether you choose to adopt a gay lifestyle or acknowledge your sexuality and choose a life of celibacy, I don't see the shame in hiding yourself from you. You have to learn to embrace him or her in everything he or she is, good and bad. It's psychologically healthy. Jung's archetype, the shadow, is everything bad we see about ourselves. We can't move forward if we don't embrace the shadow. This doesn't mean coming out with the intensity of a pride parade, but it does mean looking at yourself and saying "I'm gay" and taking it from there. Once it's over, you realize just how simple that is. I understand that family and friends may react negatively; that is always a possibility. As far as that is concerned, do it when you know it's safe. There's a difference
between hiding your whole life and hiding until you can handle it.I'm a firm believer that God can and will love you, no matter what. I'll see my good atheist and agnostic friends in Heaven, or the lack thereof, just like I'll see my gay friends too. And if there's a huge void when we die, well, we can rest easy into the darkness, but I digress. So, why use something that will cause you pain when you choose to hide in it instead of embracing it with who you are completely?
It took me a while to figure it out, and I made peace with my life. I hope you can find that peace with who you are too.
Love.
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