Let It Out

I'm not going to give you a real blog post. At least, I don't think I am right now. Anyway, here are the lyrics to my newest favorite song. They speak volumes.

Let It Out - Miho Fukuhara

Let it all out, Let it all out
強がらなくていいんだね
誰かが描いてった　壁の落書きの花が　揺れる

自分らしさなんて　誰もわからないよ
長い長い道の途中で　失くしたり拾ったり
急に寂しくなって　泣いちゃう日もあるけど

涙も　痛みも　星に変えよう
明日を照らす　灯りをともそう
小さく迷っても　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を探そう

Let it all out, Let it all out
足りないことだらけだよね
足りなくていいんだね　だから君と出会えたんだ

「確か」が何なのか　それが知りたくて
小さなナイフを靴下に隠してた
強がってついた　嘘の方がずっと痛かった

本当は　恐いよ　だけど生きてく
笑顔の君を風が撫でてく
小さな手かざして　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を探そう

正しいことが間違ってたら　どうすればいい?
悲しいことが正しかったら　受け入れるだけ?
失くしたと思ってた　でも君が知ってた
君がいて　本当によかった

涙も　痛みも　星に変えよう
明日を照らす　灯りをともそう
小さな手かざして　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を

さよなら　いつかは来るかもしれない
季節はそれでも巡り巡ってく
小さく迷っても　歩いてく
君と歩いてく　それだけは変わらないでいようね

Translation:

Let it all out, let it all out You don't have to act so brave The flowers that somebody scribbled on the wall are swaying Nobody knows what makes them unique We both lose and gain By embarking on this long, long path And though there may be days Loneliness strikes and makes us weep Let's turn our tears and pain into stars We'll light a candle to illuminate our tomorrow Even if we get a little lost, together we'll make stardust We'll search for the eternity that shines so brightly Let it all out, let it all out There's a lot of things you lack, aren't there? But it's okay you aren't perfect That's how I met you in the first place You wanted to know what exactly what tomorrow was You had a little knife hidden in your sock But putting on a brave face and telling the lie Hurt so much more I know that you might be scared But you'll keep moving forward The meaning behind your smile is playing in the wind Let's hold up our little hands And together we'll make stardust We'll search for the eternity that shines so brightly What should we do if what we thought was right Turns out to be wrong? We can only accept that some truths will cause us sorrow I thought I had lost everything But only you know it's not like that I'm so thankful that you're here with me Let's turn our tears and pain into stars We'll light a candle to illuminate our tomorrow Let's hold up our little hands And together we'll make stardust For an eternity that shines so brightly There may come a day when we have to say goodbye Yet the seasons continue to change obliviously Even if I lose myself, I'll continue to walk Walk by your side That's one thing I'd like to never change

Anything Can Change

I cling to the belief that any new person can meet you around any corner, whether he is good or bad. With each new breeze, choice, decision, or moment you can meet someone who will change you life. I use this belief to search for my soulmate, though it is not one of my more healthy beliefs.

It isn't easy to come to terms with feelings of loneliness, let alone make them go away in a healthy manner. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm constantly searching, on the hunt for someone who will make my life just a little bit more worthwhile. The kicker is that, while I feel this is an unhealthy and obsessive behavior, I'm not stupid enough just to jump in bed with any random person to make the loneliness go away. I know what will and won't make me happy. So, the damage is two-fold: I make unhealthy obsessions with likely partners but am not willing to just go along with whatever is thrown my way.

Yes, I believe that anything can change. However, I can also change. I can be happy watching my favorite movies alone or with my roommate or with friends and NOT looking for booty, in simple and almost crude terms. Waiting is worthwhile, it's just also unpleasant. I wish I could take my mind off of it, but it's not easy.

So, what I'm going to do is revel in the feelings I have right now: Of being alone, not lonely, and resting, relaxing, and crying when the best parts of this movie come on.

Strangers

I just watched New York, I Love You, which, to me, is every bit as beautiful as its predecessor, Paris, Je T'aime. It is a film with a different story for each scene, except this time there were interludes showing the connections between different characters. It is a movie about the interconnectedness of our lives, even in a city as large as New York City.

It made me think: How much of my life is an interlude?

What parts of my life exist as the waiting rooms for the major chapters in my life thus far? Where is there a beautiful lull, a chance to set up the next meetings and interactions? Where do I connect with others whom I don't know, but could know? Where do our stories intercede and branch off into two, or more, separate lives, adventures, or even tragedies?

One thing The Velvet Rage mentioned was that we shouldn't let our sexual appetites dictate whom we choose to talk to or associate with? If we are only talking and making (futile) connections with those whom we are attracted to, we miss out on so much. I could miss my next closest friend or most bitter enemie. A lover or a hater. Despite what poles the people we could meet occupy, our interactions with them are no less beautiful. As Kahlil Gibran says in "On Pain:"

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

I think that can apply to people as well. If we can "keep [our] hearts in wonder," those who dislike us, or whom we dislike, may not be any less wondrous than the people we love, for they help define our lives just as those who love us do.

So, I want to meet a stranger. Maybe to love, maybe just to talk. I want to feel the beauty of life's intersections, of the avenues through which we meet people who impact our lives in a variety of ways.

Rage

I am reading Dr. Alan Downs' The Velvet Rage for the second time in my life. It is full of insight and revelations for me. It is a quick read and I love what I am learning about myself and my life and how I can change it for the better.

It talks about how to live and cope with being in our world as a gay man. It talks of our difficulties in relationships, how we deal with shame, the fact that we may have shame in the first place, and how to move toward a truly authentic life. I loved it the first time, but I am learning so much more this time. Of the hallmark lessons is that sometimes the pain you experience from interaction with others isn't your fault. Not to say that it is theirs, but definitely to say that you are not to blame.

Sometimes I wonder, know, and wonder again whether I am still dealing with emotional pain from previous relationships. Sometimes the thought of those people fills me with anger, even if I am unable to recall all of the things they said or did. But, it was still refreshing to read that it wasn't my fault. I was not to blame. But, also, that the pain I experienced with them may have been a result of pain they had gone through as well. I'm not relegating my reactions or anything I did to those people. I am fully responsible for those. However, I am saying, and practically refusing, to carry around those wounds forever. Maybe this is my first step at closing those wounds, maybe I have taken the steps before, or maybe I have yet to make such a bold move.

Another thing that sticks out to me, though, is whether or not I have perpetuated any cycles of distress, pain, or invalidation as a result of my own experiences. No, they were not life-ending, threatening, or challenging, but they sure as hell did suck, and they are all I can draw from as far as any kind of psychological trauma is concerned. Still, I do not want to be the agent of pain for someone else at all and especially not because of pain that I had gone through in the past.

So, to someone I know will read this maybe as soon as I post it, maybe in a matter of days, weeks, months, or whatever period of time: I hope that you did not have to suffer because I had been hurt before. I hope that our relationship did not create scars that you will have to live with forever, or for any moment in time. I hope that this post isn't setting you back emotionally or creating any distress. If so, I will gladly take it down and keep it in the private recesses of my mind. Even if we did not work out, we should not have to carry around the pain or invalidation of others. You should never have to be suspicious of another person or relationship because of anything I did, and I truly hope this is not the case. Now is the time for both of us to heal; there should be no deep scars or biting truths. You are, were, and will be a wonderful person, one that needs to and will grow, just the same as me. You can consider this an apology, reconciliation, promise, an urging for you to grow, live long and prosper, and ultimately to heal. There are lessons to be learned and love for ourselves and for others we meet in the future to grow.

We must live truly authentic lives to be happy. Sometimes this means glamour and money, other times it means tranquility and solitude. I want to enhance this process in people's lives, not hinder it. I am going to try my best to make sure that the men that romantically enter my life do not have to suffer any scars at my hands, and I pray to God that no one has by this point. I refuse to be content with the way things were if it has caused someone pain, and will help facilitate healing in any way possible, but I also refuse to let the pain of others interfere with my own healing and acceptance of myself if it does not need to.

Dating Myself

Yes, it does sound a bit... Off. But I'm interested in the concept.

I once read in a book, Finding the Perfect Boyfriend, that we should go on dates with our inner boyfriend. It's okay to go out to dinner, to the movies, or stay at home and have a nice romantic date with him. Of course, he is you and you are him and you're both one nice little complete puzzle. He is your key to understanding how to love and appreciate yourself, to being alone, but also to taking steps toward truly loving someone else. You're alone to everyone who can physically see you, but on the inside you're getting in touch with someone and something that may just allow you to have a more fulfilling intrapersonal and interpersonal life.

No, I'm not exactly reeling from my recent breakup, but it has been an event that other events in my life are drawing from. I'm adjusting to being single, not having as many rules, sleeping alone, and just being alone in general. I don't think I've completely learned how to love myself, so every breakup thus far is a reminder that when the love of someone else is not longer present, the love of myself should be sufficient to keep me happy and not wanting to dive into the arms of another man to try to fill whatever I feel is missing in my life.

I miss the transparency; I'm never as honest with my friend or my family as I am with my partner, something that needs to change. I'm the only person who knows why I keep adding guys on Facebook, why I got wasted last week (bad night), why I am constantly searching for someone attractive and male to talk to: because I'm alone, but still lonely. I'm old enough to know that anything I start now could be detrimental to myself and whatever person I'm involved with, but it is still a viable option so that I'm not both alone AND lonely, at least for a little while.

So, I'm going to have a date with myself, to bring myself one step closer to recovery and being happy being alone. I'm going to cook dinner, read a book, get some ice cream, and go to a book store. Because I can and because there are many other things I could do that wouldn't be good for me and end up making me hurt worse. But, also, because I want to love myself, to be happy in my skin and my circumstances.

One day I'll be able to approach someone with the maximum amount of love I can offer because, that day, I will love myself fully and completely. The love of someone else will be a pleasure, a bonus, and a gift.

The Last Airbender (Fuck You Shyamalan)

So, The Last Airbender was so fucking bad. Usually I watch my language closer on this and Twitter but uh....

Yeah, it was so fucking bad. First, let's take the casting. I made a blog post about it and I still had my issues. However, the people who boycotted the movie won't know how bad it was unless they see it (well, also if they read my and others' blogs). How can the principle characters in a movie about a show based on MANY eastern cultures be white? How about the extras? There's no excuse to hire almost an exclusively white cast when most of the extras are from another ethnicity. No fucking excuse. Also, the firebenders are based on Japanese people. Making the principle antagonists of the film of Middle Eastern descent is not a good idea, especially in light of our current relationship with that region of the world.

Second, pronunciations. Sah-ka! Not Soh-ka. Aing! Not Awng! Ah-va-tar! Not Aw-va-tar! Fuck you Shyamalan! I saw a commercial for a game based on the movie and they pronounced Aang's name Awng. That was my first sign. No, wait, Shyamalan directing was my first sign. Anyway, I know the show is based on other cultures, but you can't change how things are pronounced in a movie based on the show, whether or not they are western or eastern pronunciations.

Third, Katara, one of my FAVORITE characters and an all around strong female lead... Was little and whiny in this film. She did not measure up to the Katara from the series.

Fourth, Sokka wasn't fucking funny.

Fifth, Shyamalan.

So, along the way I lost my train of thought. It's okay; I'm drowning out the bad movie experience with a beer and the GOOD Avatar: The Last Airbender. Seriously, screw Shyamalan. This movie really is not worth seeing.