A Parable of Baking

Despite today's demoralizing attempt to make meringue, I discovered I have a love and maybe even a talent for baking. For years, I decided not to bake. I said I wasn't good at it, largely because of a rather unfortunate attempt to make lemon squares in high school.

Then, I dated someone who could bake. Exceptionally well. He could do with baking what I can do with cooking. So, naturally, I called him the Baker in the relationship and let him do all of that stuff, with my help on the rare occasion. For a couple of years, I did not consider baking to be a part of my culinary repertoire. Until we broke up.

In my gradual downslide from the lack of a relationship, I tried all sorts of things. Baking was one of them. I found a recipe for vanilla bean cupcakes and decided to make them. I also was inspired by Annie from Bridesmaids, played by Kristen Wiig. The scene where Annie makes the beautiful cupcake is inspiring to me, to the point that I call it her moment of triumph. So, last summer I decided to try to fill a spot left in my life, baking, by doing it myself. Rather than leave it alone, forever naming it 'his' talent and 'his' thing, I tried it for myself. And you know what? I found out something new about myself.

Those cupcakes came out great. They were well received, despite my doubts about them. I had reclaimed something for myself that I had always considered an integral part of someone else. Baking those cupcakes was one of the first moments where I realized that the hole I felt was in my life did not need to be filled by another man. It very well could have been filled by me.

Since then, I've made other cupcakes, I've made cookies, and I even made a rather spectacular pecan pie. I've made homemade muffins, including this morning's cinnamon cake donut muffins. There is a meringue-less lemon pie chilling in my fridge, waiting to be delivered to a friend, as well as my stomach. In essence, I'm proud of myself for trying something I thought for years I couldn't do. I'm especially proud of myself because the results came out great.

Like today, I'm not always going to have complete victories. But, this is okay. It's the fact that I'm trying to do things for myself, to prove to myself that not everything I say is set in stone, and that at any moment I can make a great batch of cupcakes, cookies, or a wonderful pie.

The moral of this story? You may feel that something is not for you, but maybe it's worth a try. Maybe that thing you always said others, but not you, could do is something you are good at. Even if the results are disastrous, you rose above preconceived notions of talents or limits and actually tried. Many people let the fear of failure stop them from trying. Let's just say I will definitely still be baking goodies after today.

And maybe, just maybe, that seemingly person-sized hole you feel in your chest, your heart, or your life can be filled with you.

Candidly

I've been thinking about the idea of self-disclosure. Lately, I fear that I've put too much of myself out there. That I'm revealing things that should be kept secret, within the confines of a journal or between close friends. Yet, a lot of this stuff is stuff I share with my friends (not as much with my journal). I fear that I am saying things that could be misinterpreted or taken the wrong way (or occasionally the right way...).

Yet, what I find is that that is the voice of doubt. I do have to consider that what I say on blogs or social media can affect me later, but what I'm most worried about is how people see me. I am very deliberate in creating an image of myself that is positive and will last after I die. I know how I want to be remembered. I don't love simply for this reason, to make sure that people don't paint me an asshole after I pass, but it is a reason that I behave and act and talk the way I do.

Still, there's some stuff I don't even discuss in depth with anyone. Listening to Lauryn Hill's 'Ex-Factor' this morning brought some of that stuff to the surface, so I figured it'd be worth taking the risk to let some of it out. I actually do hope that certain people come across this post, because it will bring into the light things that I am either scared to say, or that need to be said but that I deem inappropriate for me to say based on existing parameters of relationships (or the lack thereof).

Lately, part of the distress I mentioned in the last post has come from facing parts of myself that I run away from. These are the parts I am ashamed to show to people, the actions that leave me with the most regret, though I do try to forgive myself for them. They are things I've done and said that afterward I wished I wouldn't, that had a profound capacity to hurt those who don't deserve hurt and that reflect a selfish and weak part of myself (a part that I must learn to love nonetheless).

I've been on both sides of the portrait Lauryn paints in 'Ex-Factor.' I've been the one trying to let go, but asked to stay. I've been the one who's asked a man to stay, but not for his benefit, just mine (a desperate attempt to heal). I've said things under my breath or buried in a subtext that have the power to hurt some of the men I've come across in my life. I've walked in my own bitterness and anger and let that manifest, only to later realize that doing so is the exact antithesis to love (the cornerstone of my life). Each of these things, I'm ashamed of.

I'm ashamed that I reached out, for fear that he'd never be the one to do it. I'm ashamed that I actually put energy into trying to get someone back, realizing later that maybe those feelings weren't genuine and that I was trying to heal myself in what I thought was the only way how. I'm ashamed that I've let things 'slip' that were bitter and spiteful, because I felt that it was my right to be honest and let my feelings be known and broadcast to the world that someone hurt me (while saying to myself in some way that they deserve hurt, too, which is not true). I am ashamed of my profound moments of weakness. I know that this stuff is where some of my fear comes from. I'm scared that I'll be seen as angry, bitter, desperate, crazy, unhinged, and that each of these shows plain as day to the men that I'd least like to hold such opinions of me.

So, I'm finally in the process of not running. I'm finally looking at each of those things, and other things I forgot but that will be brought into my awareness at some point, and forgiving myself, even if others haven't forgiven me for them. It's just hard to look inside and see something that makes me say, "I'm ashamed of myself for how I thought, acted, felt or behaved." It takes a lot of simultaneous processes: forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, and honesty. It takes a lot of energy to say, "That person, who I was in that moment, did something I wish I hadn't done, but that I must accept, so I am better able to love myself and others."

Sometimes, all I want is to stop, gather my courage, and say, "I'm sorry for what I did because I realize how it may have affected you." But, sometimes it's not important for other people to forgive me.

I have to have the strength and willingness to forgive myself and try to learn from each of my mistakes.

The E is for Evolving

Let me share with you my thought process over the past few days, especially today:

Today has felt weird. As I described it earlier, it is the introspective kind of weird, where you can't really get a hold on what kind of energy you have but you know it's not good or bad, it just is. Today, the usual distressing thoughts came into my mind, but I was able to sit with them until they passed (read: they were no longer in my conscious awareness). I took my day as it was. It got done the things I needed to. I did something today that didn't necessarily have to be done today. Go me!

As I was driving home, I thought to myself, "Today sure has been weird. I wonder why..." So I thought of my past few days. I thought of how most of last week was full of distressing thoughts until Friday where I somehow got my emotional shit together and managed to have a stellar day (thanks in great part to the people I love who showed up in various ways). I thought of my weekend and how peaceful it was, which I think is due to my having spent it primarily alone rather than in the company of others. I thought of how I sat through my loneliness on Saturday and just focused on myself, how I had an adventure in the park on Sunday, was inspired, and created something I love and am proud of for someone I love.

I thought of how the past 3-4 weeks were unusually distressful, especially considering how I felt before those 3-4 weeks, how I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, as far as I can recall, and definitely the happiest I had been since my breakup. While in that period, I wasn't sure what the hell was happening, but I was sure that I needed to get through my day-by-day and do the things I needed to, despite how I felt. So, I moved forward. Eventually, I got to today, where I feel fine, at ease, at peace with the way things are and the way things were.

I came to the conclusion that maybe that distressful period was part of my growth. Pema Chodron says that as we become Warriors of Boddhicitta, our lives may become stressful, we may have a sense of dread, but that it is only an indication that we are growing and changing. So, maybe that's what it was.

I cling to that theory, because it offers hope, but I think it may be true. Maybe I'm breaking free in a more noticeable way. Maybe those distressing thoughts are losing their power. Yes, I expect to have more bad days, simply because I'm human, but I will not devote any energy into making those days come faster. I will just sit and wait, say hi and love them when they do, cherish the lessons, and bid them a fond farewell once they leave.

In the now, I relish this sense of peace because it was something I wanted for a long time. I get glimpses of it in my day-to-day, but this is the longest it's lasted in a while. I'm grateful.

To me, this is what happiness is, a sense of peace with all that things are. I'll make changes where I need to and when I need to. Until then, I'll be sure to exercise my growing sense of compassion with myself and those around me.

It's nice to feel this free and I'm glad that all of the goings on of my life thus far have led to this point.

I'm evolving and my life is so much better because of that. I'm evolving because I'm great and I finally see it.