Never Be Afraid to Cry

Crying is so much like the rain. The rain falls, an accumulation of evaporated water condensing in the sky. When the clouds are too heavy, they pour rain because they need to. It replenishes the earth, it allows things to grow. And the cycle starts again.

We cry because we need to. Just like condensation accrues, so do our own emotions, and sometimes they truly can be too much. Crying is our natural, and healthy, way of letting those emotions out. Whether you cry silently, or sob hysterically, it's usually because you need to. So, never be afraid to cry.

Never be afraid to let those emotions out. It really is a beautifully wonderful thing to cry, let everything out, and finally release your cares to God, or whomever you may happen to believe in. Just imagine those tears drying to create a cloud in your mind. Next time that cloud gets too heavy, just let it rain.

Free yourself, and let the rain fall.

Flutter

Clamouring beautiful blue wings
Crash, crash in frenzy
Knock against the walls of my lungs
You stole my breath away

No oxygen, blood runs black
I'm frozen, cold when my heart skips that inevitable beat
It's all you, when I see you
I have to turn away

I feel each flat, butterfly kisses
Come out as softspoken speech
I reach for the words
But my body pulls out that butterfly

I open my mouth, though utter no sound
The lump in my throat is an attempt to escape
I want to see that butterfly
'Cause on its wings fly my poetry

My love song's to no addressee for I lack a name
A lover, to me, a wraith
Still tugging on my heart strings
Tangling a web for that poor butterfly

Let those blue wings fly
So I can breathe, speak, whisper my name
Let my verse fly to you, understood
So you'll know what magic you incite in me

Though it's up in the air
If you believe in magic at all;
Whether the sight of me
Makes you see butterflies

I could fall in love
Again, again, and again
But the words whispered in sleep
Only come from an imaginary Prince

I've spent time with words of love
Dipped in honey, soft to touch
But upon waking
Find you never uttered such a thing

A song sings sweetly to me
How my smile makes the stars shine
Twinkling in jealousy

How the sun shines through my tears
Creates a rainbow
When God sends hope to me

A Prince by any other name
Will be just as sweet
Though, hidden in a pauper's clothing,
He remains hidden from me

I've found that
You just dress like royalty
I've been looking through your castle
Never realizing it's been crumbling

It's Alright, It's Alright, It's Alright...

I got this idea from another blog, and I think it would be helpful for anyone who's ever down for whatever reasons.

It's okay for me to feel hurt when my feelings are unrequited, or when things don't work out. It's okay for me to know what I want. It's okay for me to have standards and stick to them. It's okay to have integrity, dignity. It's okay to cry when I need to. It's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to want to be loved. It's okay to desire someone.

It's okay to be alone. It's okay for me not to have a boyfriend. It's okay to have an empty bed. It's okay to have no one to go home to. It's okay to be single. It's okay to take time to enjoy being single. It's okay to look, even if you plan on not touching. It's okay to draw lines to avoid settling for someone. It's okay to listen to sad songs to cry, just to get the emotions out.

It's okay to be mad at someone when they deserve it. It's okay to be fair. It's okay to leave a situation alone if it stresses you out more than it should.

It's okay to be alone.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Before This

Crystal Kay's new single, "涙のさきに" (Namida no Saki ni - Before the Tears), is inspiring me to be a little more upbeat about life, and my love life specifically.

I've started to notice a lot of patterns. I like someone, something gets miscommunicated or things don't happen, and that someone becomes a no one in my life for a little while. Then I feel bitter and angry at them because I feel hurt. And I do, it always hurts to lose that hope, that little thread you desperately cling to. But that also leads to a lot of unnecessary and unneeded anger towards specific people, and that's not far. The same goes for a lot of other things.

I'm tired of this dating game, even if I can't get my piece on the board. I'm tired of putting so much energy into these endeavors.

For the first time in my life, my lack of a love life truly is okay. The thought of this almost makes me want to cry, but it's okay not having anyone next to me, in bed or life or otherwise. As John Mayer soulfully sings in "Lesson Learned" with Alicia Keys, "It's alright, it's alright, it's alright." And it is.

It's alright. It's alright. It's alright. This is just another lesson learned and another step closer to loving myself as I should.

Mandatory

Next guy I meet gets this question:

Do, do you got a first aid kit handy?

Impatience

I asked a friend if I'm rational in being impatient with guys and what I perceive as bullshit. She said, "Yes." I do know what I'm worth and what I'm willing to put up with, and I've been less and less willing to deal with a lot. I don't like this whole flirting or dating game because it seems like both sides won't be upfront, and the last time that did happen with me nothing came of it.

Oh wait... I have been up front! I don't know how many times I have to say 'I like you' or 'I want you' for someone to get it through their head. Which often leads me to conclude: they don't feel the same. I wonder if common sense always has to factor into someone figuring that out, or should the other side say something about it? He hasn't said anything about not wanting a relationship. Should the "Looking for: Friendship" crap on Facebook mean something? What about his flirting? See why my mind is going crazy?

As the days go by I realize how much more I want to be single JUST to avoid the mess that is "talking to" or dating someone. Guys my age can't get their shit straight, I believe. Hell, I barely can sometimes. This just leads me to believe I should clean the slate, which includes that one guy I was just being nice to because I can't even handle rejecting someone, let alone rejection itself. It always feels like whatever I go through with some guy I inflict on someone else. How the hell is that fair?

I've been giving up on people too easily, but that's only because having faith in people doesn't help me by any means.

Off the Market, Learning to be Alone, & Other Musings

I told myself a few weeks ago, while trying to find a way to rebuff my most recent unwanted encounter (which failed miserably as I've probably already posted about; if not, more to come), that there was only one guy whom I was interested in dating. For the most part, this is true. But more importantly, he was the last person I was actually willing to invest time in dating. Yet, as of last night, this doesn't seem to be the case.

For the record, this isn't a post about me being bitter or jaded, because that's common knowledge. It's just about an important life decision.

My financial status does not qualify to be a status at all. I'm working to improve that situation. Between bills, expensive policy changes, gas prices and the aforementioned work, I'm more than certain I don't have time for a relationship. On another hand, with my most recent experiences in romance and things of the sort, absolutely every one of them has turned out to be disappointing to various degrees, some due to me, some due to others. After last night, I realized, unless I just read signals completely wrong, this latest guy isn't interested in a relationship, and more importantly not one with me. Any time I've mentioned it I just get a surprised reaction from him and that's it. Maybe some flirting here and there, but I'm too smart too look into that; there are no definite signs, so I'm not playing any definite game. I'll explain that whole situation in my next post.

Anyway, gay men are disappointing in my life. There aren't that many that I'm just good friends with. I find them as taxing as girls can be (somehow, I haven't had as much difficulty with straight males). There are more, though, that I don't respect on the basis of my thinking they're all whores, and I'd love to give them the benefit of the doubt, this as soon as they warrant it of course. Guys don't clamour after me and the ones that do rarely interest me. Besides, since when is being an opportunist attractive? Never, at least now. I'm tired of waiting for someone to walk my way, I'm tired of trying to get up the courage to even flirt with someone. I'm really just... Tired.

So, with that being said, I'm off the market. Indefinitely. I've lost more of myself along the way and part of my goal is to reclaim that, all the while finally really trying to be alone and be happy with that, not just as a way of getting God to give me what I want. Oh yea, I want to get back in touch with him. Good plan, I think. I just want to break away from all this unnecessary stress. I'm tired of having to put up with someone else's shit just to start talking when I have shit of my own, you know?

Gladiolus for strength of character, something I hope to build and display

Pot

I've never found a good reason to smoke pot, and I probably never will.

I just want to address this issue head-on: I think smoking pot is stupid. There have been times where I was almost swayed to think the opposite, but that doesn't replace the fact that I still think it's stupid. And, while I'm on this, people who openly broadcast marijuana leaves on myspace and shit like that just look trashy. And this coming from someone who looks at porn. Yea, still trashy.

I have a close friend who told me once that when he smoked pot he gained the ability to look at himself objectively. Well, especially after his in-depth explanation of the experience(s), I realized, hell, I do the same thing when I'm NOT high. Go figure. The one thing that actually made me want to smoke pot for the first time in my life was when he mentioned some other people I adore but haven't been around in a while smoke it with him. That's cool. Then he closed with "But you should never do it unless you want to." And I gained the best reason in the world not to smoke pot.

I just don't want to.

There, that's it. Oh, but I still think it's stupid. I can't think that enough. The reasons people list for the benefits of marijuana or how it's "not that bad" are just as hollow as some of the moral reasons people refuse to, reasons I used to follow. I always thought the anti-drug commercials were stupid; those ads just make kids braindead and give them another form of thinking that isn't truly theirs.

I do know some people who smoke pot who I respect wholeheartedly. When I found out I was a little shocked, but it hasn't changed my perspective at all, on them or how I feel. I did learn, though, that I can't just judge someone on the basis that they smoke pot. If they're a deadbeat, they're a deadbeat and that's that. But if you are getting your stuff done and being responsible about your own life and smoking pot, I applaud you. You keep doing what you're doing because apparently the pot has no control over you, you have control over the pot. Amen my brothers and sisters of the ganja.

In closing, don't smoke around me. I probably won't date you if you smoke pot (sorry, it really does bother me). I'm not going to do it with you, so don't ask. Just be cool and I'll think you're cool, and you won't have any issues with me judging you.

Unless you're a whore, then you get my wrath. And I'm quasi-serious about that.

Must Be Dreaming (Redux)

I woke up to find I must be dreaming, that any sense of happiness had faded. What was left is what I always found in the mirror: a young, jaded human being hidden under wooden eyes.

Optimism is my heart's enduring but ineffectual defense mechanism, leaving me to deal with the world holding a glass half full with a heart half empty.

Or maybe it's hope.

Again?

I don't see how I can stay up talking to you getting no where.

If I didn't know before tonight, there is such a thing as innocent flirting. Sometimes it's mutual, sometimes it's one-sided. Just quit flirting and tell me what you want damnit. I don't like playing forward because it doesn't fucking get me anywhere.

Sorry, just frustrated. I wonder if it's because I put too much energy into finding relationships. I bet it is.

Unrequited love is still a bitch.

Oh, and I still pretty much hate anything that has a penis. At least until I have a good boyfriend. So I'll pretty much always hate anything that has a penis. Why the hell do you think I always get female pets?