The Other L is for Fucking Lost

Last night, I came face to face with an emotion I haven't felt deeply for a long time: anger.

I was angry that I wanted to have a night where I didn't look for a man, yet I found myself seeking validation in mutual attraction (read: external validation). I was angry that I just wanted to dance and not worry, but I saw my ex with his usual partner of late and I didn't want that on my head. I was angry that it felt like I was catching no one's attention. I was angry that the one guy I want is the one guy I have to safeguard myself against to protect my heart. I was angry that my One, for Now or Forever, has not shown up yet. I was angry that the one man to give me the attention I was looking for is a good man, but a man I am not attracted to and had to be careful not to hurt because I could sense he was a good guy. I was angry that the good guys I had met thus far were not the ones I could pursue because it wouldn't be right.

I was angry that in my romantic life things were not going my way.

Romantic love is a significant and important part of life, but it is only part. Yet, last night, I found myself at the mercy of my impatience, anger, and sadness relating to my romantic life. I was face to face with every no, on both sides, every disappointment. It felt like all the work I had done had suddenly come crashing down around me. Last night was supposed to be fun, but it ended up carrying the theme of the rest of my week: anxiety and anguish.

Now, in my right mind, I find that I was in the midst of a growing experience. I needed to face my anger. I needed to realize that seeing an ex does not have to dictate how my night goes, and that if it gets to me and affects me, though I must openly acknowledge this, I am choosing to let it do so. I am choosing to stay in that shitty spot and not move forward.

I realized just how lost I was. Actually, that has been painfully apparent to me. Sometimes, I doubt what I do. I doubt my growth and change. However...

I also start to realize that what I am choosing to do with my life, making it a process of active Love, is not something to be doubted. If I offer love to someone and it is rejected, that's not a reflection on me. I can be crazy cheesy or sappy, but I'm still offering love. That is the last thing I should hesitate to do. I should never fear showing someone love because I feel they'll call me weird. I should never fear love at all.

As each day goes by, I have to trust. I have to trust that I am moving on the right path (I am), that the right man will come along (he hasn't), that my choice of partners will ring true with me (it will). Last night, I stopped trusting and I got angry.

But, I needed to. Had I not, I wouldn't be taking the time for growth today. Maybe things do happen for a reason.

The L is for Love

This week I've reflected upon a lot of things. One in particular is what I feel my purpose is. Since I decided to no longer believe in a higher power, I've not been sure what to think of a purpose. Being made for a specific purpose implies agency of something higher than myself. It means that we all have a purpose, but that's not something I'm sure I believe in.

Yet, I still believe I was made for something. I used to think I was made specifically to find someone to love and love them until I die, hopefully making both of our lives better. Yet, lately, and specifically this week, I've expanded that. I can't have been made to love someone in Other Romantic Love. No. I think I was made to love. Period.

And maybe it's not a purpose. Maybe it's my own declaration, a dedication to refuse to make this world a shittier place. At any rate, I've found a very strong joy in just loving others, in loving people I perceive don't like me, loving men who don't respect me, loving those who were in my life but now aren't, loving those who are in my life. Loving up close. Loving at a distance. Just, loving.

Love has had a profound effect on me. Without it, I wouldn't have gotten through the past nine months. Where the Other Romantic Love that had been so present in my life was suddenly gone, the Other Love of my friends and family slowly helped fill a hole I felt in the middle of my chest. But, not just that: the Self Love I finally acquired was also transformative.

Because of Self Love and Other Love, I wake up in the morning feeling worthwhile. Yeah, some days are bad, but I still learn to embrace them. I feel as though I matter. Love has become a real and palpable thing in my life. So, I made it my duty to keep spreading it. I need to start pushing myself to find new and creative ways to love me and others, but I still love. Every day, I love.

I get daily reminders that my work isn't done. Sometimes, I'm not sure it will be. But, even when I feel I can't, when the energy doesn't suddenly rush to me, I love. My world is better, easier because of it. I seriously hope yours is, too. If not, I'd like to change that.

The A is for Androgynous

As time goes by, I finding myself taking on more socially 'feminine' activities than I used to. That basically means I paint my nails occasionally. Still, I've noticed that I don't as strongly adhere to 'masculinity.' Not that I ever did, but I'm much less worried about it now.

I theorize that I'm going to take on more 'feminine' roles or behaviors, just as a natural progression. As part of my growth, I think that they'll be included because it feels as though they have been. With my insular existence, there is no real point to be made here, because I'm addressing a personal and individual change within myself. However, when taken out of my own narrow context, there is some dialogue to be had. Namely, we should all have this freedom to do so.

Our current gender paradigm is painted as a strict 'is', a way of being that always has been and forever will be. Of course, this paradigm is also strongly tied to sexism. It is taboo for any one gender to assume roles, behaviors, or thinking that belongs to the other gender, but it's much less taboo for women to 'act like men' than it is for men to 'act like women.' I don't need to paint the implicit assumption here.

I just wonder what it would look like if we were allowed the room and freedom to act however we wanted. Would a concept of gender even exist? It'd be cool because 'manly' men would genuinely be so and 'girly' girls would also. But THEN we'd also have women who hunt and shoot guns, men who gladly bake and cook. Wait... We already have these don't we? Yes, but we have them with the added cocked eyebrows or assumptions that one is not 'man' or 'woman' enough, or is not doing his or her appropo role. Clearly a bunch of bullshit.

I'm not sure why we place such a capital on adhering to gender roles and the current paradigm. I've grown to see it as far less important than people make it out to be, even though I give my own cocked eyebrows (I'm still growing and learning).

Androgyny to me is beautiful and it is a sort of freedom. I get to determine who I am and what I do, which goes along with my gender expression. And, honestly, I wouldn't even call some things 'masculine' or 'feminine' had I not learned this particular gender binary. Without those words or ideas, all I did would just be, it wouldn't have a gender attached to it.

We owe it to ourselves to create this kind of world. A lot of good things would follow as a result.