An Evolution

I read through some of the earlier entries on the blog and I am feeling many ways.

I'm part upset with myself for some of the things I said, particularly the things about people always calling or looking for racism and the like, which is basically the exact opposite of how I feel now. Now, I feel like various forms of discrimination should be hunted down and corrected, of course in conjunction to using critical thinking and deductive reasoning.

I'm also surprised at how I talked about God. In one post, dated almost a year ago, I said I believed. Now? If I were to be honest with you, that wouldn't be my answer.

The change, even within the past year, is so surprising. I'm scared to show people, scared that they'll think I'm a hypocrite. However, there is something else to be learned. While I could benefit from a consistency of thought and belief, that's not how things work out for me. I, apparently, am constantly changing and evolving. I appreciate where I am now because I feel it is a much better place and I have a better grasp on who I am.

I'm not sure exactly where this places me, nor am I sure that the blog will look the same a year from now, but it was still interesting to see the development.

Going to the Ladies' Room

If I walked into a women's public restroom, I'd get stares and there'd be a possibility of screams and me being arrested. But why?

I'm not sure when, but at some point, the idea of gender separate bathrooms stopped making sense. We poop and pee; those things are pretty universal. Women change tampons and pads in bathrooms. That covers all the physiological stuff. Women are said to gossip and put on make up, while men are as stoic as ever. Yet, I'm not sure all these reasons justify separate bathrooms.

There is most definitely the issue of age and safety. Some people do not feel safe sending their children into restrooms with people of the opposite sex. However, what I've found is that sometimes that doesn't even matter. I heard about a young girl in my hometown getting raped in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant. I highly doubt that the restrooms were unisex, as that isn't a very common thing here. Does that mean the man dragged her to the men's room? Did he follow her into the ladies' room? Was I misinformed and was there no bathroom at all? While safety is an issue, I'm not sure it does us any good to separate genders for fear that someone will be raped, when the chances are still likely.

You can argue that, with protection of others in the bathroom, it is much less likely to happen. But what about the bystander effect, where people will stand by while something bad happens to someone? What if you go in a public restroom alone? There are many times I walk into the restroom at my university and I'm by myself. Hell, I've sat on the toilet for minutes without someone coming in. That would be a prime time for attack, regardless of gender separation in bathrooms or not.

Another issue of safety is that we often view sexual abuse in male-aggressor and female-victim dyads, forgetting it can work in the other way. Under this assumption, both little boys and girls are vulnerable. There is some mediation as far as parents going in the bathroom, but I'm not sure any circumstance is 100% preventable. Yet, we cannot assume that men or women will become raping machines in unisex bathrooms, nor can we pretend that their hormones will overpower them and they'll be having sex all over the place (which can still happen in gender separated bathrooms).

The best case scenario arises in private restrooms. There's no reason for single stall bathrooms to be separated. Often, the difference is condom machines in men's restrooms (or maybe women's too, not sure, I don't go in there), little boxes for tampons and pads, and diaper changing stations (which can be found in some men's restrooms, too, not just women's). In private restrooms, we might as well have two separate unisex bathrooms rather than two gender separated bathrooms.

Also, it is most important to talk about accessibility. Transgender people face discrimination in that, if they look a certain way, regardless of how they feel or, in undergoing sex reassignment, what stage they're in, people can still question it and deride them for choosing one bathroom or another. Unisex bathrooms help alleviate some of this pressure. While they may still be judged, they will have a space to use the restroom that is not dictated by a particular gender's space. Thus, unisex bathrooms have a social value as well.

Some people in countries with unisex restrooms say there is no issue. I believe that, had someone in the world's past not advocated for strict separation of genders, I wouldn't even be making this blog post. We'd accept it as another thing that's part of our society. Then, I may still be asking, as I am today, in essence, 'Why are things the way they are?'

An undercurrent to this post is 'who gets to pick the status quo? when do we decide that it is a good status quo?' I'm not really sure. This has just been something on my mind.

Colorblind

I'm not sure if I've covered this topic before, but it's worth covering again.

I read a story once about a feminist conference. There was a White man, a Black woman, and a White woman. If I remember correctly, the Black woman asked the White woman, 'When you wake in the morning, what do you see?' to which the White woman responded, 'A woman.' The Black woman followed with, 'I don't. I wake up and see a *Black* woman.' The Black woman didn't and many women of color *don't* have the privilege of just waking up and seeing just a woman. Their color is forever tied to their identity. It is as such for many people. I wake up and see a gay Black man. For many, their various identities all surface in a mirror.

There are those who support colorblind policies and approaches to social problems. 'We are all the same; we are all equal; I do not see color or sexual orientation, I see a human being.' Problem is, even though we are all human beings, we all have identities. What being colorblind does is erase those identities in the attempt to unify us as a collective. On the surface, this looks awesome. However, especially as it stands right now, colorblind approaches only serve to erase and negate the trouble history people associate with their identities, the history attached to various identities, and the barriers people without privilege face.

Now, we all operate under *some* privilege. I don't really believe that there are people with zero privilege, as it is a very contextual thing. But, if we were suddenly to switch to a colorblind style of life, the privileges that were set before the colorblindness will stay set. Problems will not be solved. It will effectively usher in a new era that says, 'Whatever happened in the past is in the past,' forgetting that some people have scars dealing with the past. For example, White people are considered to hold most of America's wealth. In a colorblind world, this would stay the same, leaving others at a disadvantage, unless the wealth was redistributed, which I'm not sure would indicate a truly colorblind world if we acknowledge that there is a gap in wealth among different demographics.

I call myself an idealist, yet I cannot go along with this colorblind approach. We have to fix problems before we are able to call everyone equal, because everyone, most assuredly, is not equal based on how things were and how things are going.

Too Much

There is an article circulating on Twitter about how, and I shit you not, 'Black women are less attractive than women of other races and Black men are more attractive.'

The real title: Why Are Black Women Rated Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women, But Black Men Are Rated Better Looking Than Other Men?

And don’t worry, that’s just a silly edit. The original title didn’t have the qualifier of ‘rated.’ So, if you have to edit a title to make it more acceptable, should you have posted it in the first place? That is not today’s message or inquiry, but it’s one that stands.

A lot of the Black women I follow were outraged, and justifiably so. They were just told by someone’s ‘research’ that they are not as attractive as other races. Really? To add insult to injury, Psychology Today is responsible for publishing the article (I sincerely hope it does not make it to print). This is not a singular thing. Kanazawa makes a lot of claims that are considered ‘research.’

Then I go on to read an article about the horrors of ‘Power Bottoming’ by a man who obviously knows a lot about gay sex. Now, don’t get me wrong, the more straight men know about gay sex, the better, because then I won’t get asked dumb ass questions. However, it *always* looks a bit suspect when someone decries something as abhorrent from a Christian perspective then gives you a detailed and bulleted list about it.

Both of these articles, and some of the responses that came out of them, are deplorable. Usually I can fight such things with an angry passion, but today, I was just sad. I was sad that some Black people made racist comments about Asian people as a result, that some Black men told the angry Black women that they should just ignore it or move on or that it reflects their self-esteem, that my sexual orientation was seen as evil and that I was told that I prefer to submit to people as a bottom and a Black gay man (yeah, go find out if that’s true or not).

I’m tired of this bullshit. I’m tired of feeling alone in wanting things to change. I’m tired of people not crossing lines to take up arms against things like this (Where are my White brothers and sisters blasting the article about Black women? Where are my Black brothers and sisters whenever my sexual orientation is called evil?). We are incredibly insular when it comes to social change, and I’m fighting within myself to not be so.

I don’t want my sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, nor any strangers, to believe that they are ‘ugly’ or ‘less attractive’ simply by virtue of their race. I don’t want anyone to grow up with the message that sex is dirty and so are gay men. I’m tired of men being able to shirk responsibility because they are men, but at the same time be called sexual beings who can only think with their dicks.

Do you not see what is wrong about all this? Stop focusing on your singular existence. That is a message to you and to me.

The (Perceived) Homogeneity of Nerd Culture

I love Socially Awkward Penguin. Upon refreshing the meme for myself, I noticed something: the ones that have any sort of gender reference are typically male and heterosexual. Interesting.

It made me think, 'This isn't the only place that happens.' We see it all the time: Big Bang Theory features 4 intelligent and nerdy men who love nerdy things. All the women... Well, they don't. Even cute little Amy Farrah Fowler, immensely intelligent but not current mention of a love of nerd culture thus yet.

I'm going to harp on this forever, because it, will probably be an issue as long as I live. I am constantly questioning the way things are, typically in favor of women, Black people, and the LGBT community. Admittedly, I need to expand my scope, because there are plenty of people who do not have representation in common (older people, various racial minorities, the physically disabled, etc). Yet, nerd culture is still typically seen as something that 'belongs' to the nerdy White, straight male.

People wonder why Gaymer or Nerd Girl culture exists, typically straight males. Well, from my perspective, and I know I've said this before, it's because there is typically not a space made for anyone but White, straight males in nerd culture. It gets to the point where you keep talking about it and people don't listen, or you get fed up and deal, as if this helps change the status quo.

I have friends that do make this space for me as a gay Black man. I can name plenty of White, straight nerdy men who are more than accommodating, and I love them for it. These men are what I wish everyone, including myself, was like because they are so inclusive. However, not everyone is like this. Not everyone is okay with making a character in a movie Black because it's not how things are in comics, and not out of hate, but they don't realize the effect that white/straight/able/youngwashing in movies does to those who are not in the majority. They're lost in their own sense of nostalgia and fear of change, and they're the ones who get marketed to in general and non-token ways (aka Black characters don't have to have the word Black in their name).

Currently, I am at a loss of how to handle it. I don't always take the opportunity to educate people, or let them know that their issues with Heimdall being Black because he's White in the comics is alienating. I need to learn to step up.

My bottom line is: Nerd culture is NOT just White, straight men, but too many people treat it as such, leaving those on the outside alienated, left to deal with a status quo that does not always acknowledge them or can effectively render them invisible.

Meet Cute

So, I said I'd blog about how Z and I met :)

Well, first, we lived in the same dorm. He was a Freshman and I was a Junior. Some of the earlier details are random, like me adding him on Facebook, holding the door open for him on his birthday after we had both just come from the club (separately) and studying in the dorm lobby while he was hanging out with his friends. After a while, any thought of a relationship was out the window because I thought we were too different (I won't use the adjectives he uses whenever we go over this period in time).

It really started with yoga. I was dealing with a rather stressful relationship, so I went to yoga every week to help relieve the stress. Z was also there every week, and that's when I really started to notice how cute he was, and that he was a different person than what I had first thought. Eventually, me and my boyfriend at the time broke up, and Z and I started to talk via Facebook more often.

At the same time, a mysterious person started sending me Honesty Box messages. I clung to them because I love attention and I was lonely. Anywho, my first guess was actually Z, but he kept denying it (mm hmm). A bit more of the semester goes by and eventually we get together to watch a movie. The kicker is that I was a PA for his group of Honors freshman, although he wasn't in my particular small group, so we couldn't date. All we could do was hang out.

Thus, we hung out until the semester was officially over, and, two years ago today, we became an official couple :)

Death and Rejoice

When Fred Phelps dies, I'm not going to lie to you and say I won't be happy. I'm not going to cover it up with a euphemism and say I'm relieved. I will be glad that one of the most hate-mongering voices of our time is gone. I wasn't sad when Jerry Falwell passed either.

With Osama Bin Laden's death, many people are rejoicing. Some do so gladly. Others are not so quick to celebrate the end of someone else's life. Personally, I'm not sad. The only reason I'm not happy is because of the implications that could arise from his death (including more terrorist attacks, xenophobia on the homefront, or the sudden surge of patriotism that always seems to indicate so many good things). Yet, because I believe in autonomy, I cannot solely blame one man for spreading an ideal, just like Obama doesn't deserve all the credit in this scenario as he was not the one who singlehandedly found Bin Laden and executed him (unless you know something I don't).

If someone raped or killed my mother, do you think I'd be sad they died? No. I'd call it justice. Yet, that person's family may not call it justice. They may mourn just as I did. I think where this leaves us is a gray area. There is no black and white. We do value some lives over others, as we'd be quicker to save one who shares our genetics or family rather than a complete stranger if given the choice (which can backed up by evolutionary theory, too, the idea that we preserve those who share our genetic makeup for even family members can pass on our genes).

I'm not going to call someone hateful for rejoicing the death of Bin Laden, but nor am I going to completely turn a blind eye. Like I said, we value some lives more than others, based on context and the action of the people who hold those lives. This is one of those situations where I can more easily adopt Eastern philosophy and be okay with holding contradictory views. I can value life, but also believe that justice (and not one served on behalf of a God) can be served in the taking of one's life.

There are many questions left to be answered, yet that I think do not have answers. I think we should take the time to think about where we are and what we feel, but also be brave enough to defend how we feel (without resorting to trolling).