McCanceGate

I do not consider this a victory. For one small man from a small town from Arkansas, almost the butthole of Ameria, to be lambasted and eventually resign from his post is no big feat. I don't know if he should have been fired. I don't know if he should have resigned. I do know that what he said was deplorable and the outcry that followed is what he deserved. Though I know the inevitable anxiety that would await me, I'd want someone to correct me if I said something offensive, too. But him no longer being part of the school board is not something I think is a big win.

Yes, this whole event shows that we won't put up with people saying things like that anymore. But now, those people who do and say hateful things will step away from the spotlight and therefore away from scrutiny. They will continue to talk this way and teach their children the same hateful things from the privacy of their homes. Where, then, is our victory?

What about Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Pat Roberson who get away with saying hateful and misinformed things all the time? Where is their fall? Where is our victory in our battle with big captains, not lonely privates? Why are they still able to disseminate all that they do to awaiting audiences?

I don't like supporting small causes that I feel don't get anything done. I won't boycott Target because the company gives money to an anti-gay legislator. Why? I don't think it solves our problem. We sure as hell aren't showing Target who's boss because Target is still boss. I feel like we fight so many futile battles for the sake of rights. I want to marry my boyfriend one day. I want to adopt kids. I don't want to be discriminated against because I am black and gay. Now, how the hell does taking down Clint McCance solve ANY of those problems for me? I don't believe his apology was genuine. I feel like he dodged questions. And he resigned. So what? He's probably just as bitter as ever about this whole situation. I saw a commentor write that he still owns small businesses and that McCance should be begging on the street for money. How far do we have to go and are we willing to go to get our rights and recognition?

I wish, like many other LGBTQQA individuals, that I could revel in this and believe that a change is coming. But, I don't. I don't consider this a victory. There is far, far too much work left to do.

And how am I going to be part of the Dream that Martin Luther King, Jr. had? How am I going to be part of the solution?

Ex-Gay

There are many reasons that even the term ex-gay can rile me up, independent of the ideologies and beliefs that are behind it. First, I believe that sexuality is fluid, but I also believe that it has a core. We identify ourselves as a certain sexual orientation because it helps categorize us, but also because we find that the words heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual ring true to us (please forgive me for the circular logic).

However, I also hate the term ex-gay and all things that pertain to it because I feel like it is an invalidation of an identity that I did not want in any way, shape, form or fashion but that I now like and want to love. It entails change from sexual orientation. Where was that 7 years ago when I was scared to even mention the word gay to my friends and family for fear that I would lose absolutely everything? I often ask myself, 'If people find change so possible, then where is my change? Why did God not answer my prayers to make me straight?' I prayed hard for a while that I would change, that I would be 'normal'. No one should ever have to do that. No one should ever feel like they need to change in order to be loved.

There really are times that I don't understand my own feelings. I could not classify myself as 100% homosexual. I have no desire to carry on a sexual relationship with a woman, but there's that tiny thought that, like when I was 14 and 15, things could change, that I would have to re-establish myself one more time and let go of someone I cherish so much, even if being straight made my life easier.

I don't believe that people can change their sexuality. They can change their behavior, but not who they are. With that said, I also don't believe it's right to stand in the way of someone who wants to change their sexuality. That is their choice. If they are happy later in life because of trying to change, then I think it's worth it for them. However, it is not worth it for me. I don't believe the bunk that I cannot be fundamentally happy because I'm gay and because I'm deluding myself. I've battled with the idea that my life isn't whole and isn't complete because I haven't devoted it to God and because I'm gay. I still fight with it. But I know myself, and enough of psychology, to know that I don't have to beat myself up for being gay and wanting, for once and finally, to be gay and love who I am.