Savvy

With the election a little more than a week away, I decided I'd spend some time looking up the candidates. I know it's a little late, but I want to be more than sure about my choice. I've pretty much decided who I'm going to vote for, but he's not who I'm going to research.

That's right, I'm going to hit up some McCain info. I decided that my negative bias towards him isn't founded in any true information, so, why not make sure that it is. You know, keeping enemies closer, and I use that term veeeeeery loosely. That being said, I don't know where to start. Wiki's credibility is shot. I can use that for comics, but for political information I want to know as much as possible from a credible source. Needless to say, I'm not going to look at his campaign site. That's where I started, then quickly realized that any information on him is going to be put in a positive light. It's only going to mention the good things he did, not the things that will piss me off. So, no go.

I think what I'm going to do is just hunt for some stuff, find as much information as possible to, like I said, make sure my decision is the one I am comfortable with.

Spending Time Alone

I keep realizing why it's important for me to take some time for myself and think constructively. I start existing outside myself and handling my problems positively, instead of that emotionally debilitating way.

At a book sale a couple of weeks ago I picked up a book entitled When Am I Going to Be Happy?. Of course, I consider myself a relatively healthy human being, but everyone has their troubles. What I found is it helps to pinpoint your problems to efficiently handle them. I've started to realize a lot of things about myself, as well as think about issues that have been around for a while. I am noticing where the problem starts with me instead of someone else.

Q is the best example. I didn't communicate with him at all yesterday, and at some points I did start to think that he doesn't care if I don't talk to him or he doesn't miss me or what have you. When I thought rationally, I realized that's one day we didn't talk to each other. The harm is...? Absolutely nothing. If he's taking time to be by himself, that's his right. I didn't talk to him either; the mutuality that is communication holds accountability on both sides. Quite honestly, I didn't feel like talking to him. If he felt the same, that's his right. Of course, it's not as easy conquering emotions and trying to think objectively, but I'm learning how.

That's What You Get

When you date boys. No, really, it's true!

Why do I keep saying that the closer I get to a boy the more my stress level goes up? Because that, too, is true. Here's the skinny:

Q has taken the time to go off and do his own thing, which is good. He lives his life, and I'm not that much a part of it. It's not easy to get used to hanging out every night then suddenly stopping for who knows what reason. I'm starting to feel like that's something I should do, as well. It's not easy to see him beyond certain scopes, because to do so makes falling for him even worse. I have to keep him in this certain perspective to keep myself in control, and I'm starting to wonder if that's healthy.

TB randomly sends me messages every now and then. Now, sometimes they involve class since we have the same one, just at different times. But, every now and then, he'll make some weird comment, like last night's "I still like you" which prompted a very curt "What?". That was the point where I threw up my hands and said "Ok, screw this. Time to focus on being single. Possibly forever." And I was almost serious.

So, in the words of Paramore, "That's what you get" when you date anything with a penis. It's very confusing and often unpleasant.

Haha :D

Yellow

I know something is wrong with me when I even think of "Yellow" by Coldplay and I almost start crying.

Well, quite honestly, I don't know where to go from there. I had this lingering fear that Q was going to just call it quits today (remember, we're not in a relationship), because he asked to eat lunch together, just us. I'm so on edge that I'm anticipating the day when he says "This probably needs to stop." Which isn't so healthy...

What we have, even if it's not a relationship, is comforting. I like it. But I'm so being defensive, as a dream pointed out to me, that I'm scared of it ending and I'm acting like HE is readily going to hurt me. I'm learning to trust, and it really is a journey. He deserves my trust. All best are off, and I can genuinely trust that he'll be honest with me. That's a little more impressive, and important, than you may think.

It's just... I miss him. I saw him for an hour today since Friday, and I didn't see him that long that day either. I miss him a lot, and he knows. *sigh*

Alone with God

Today, I had to take some time to be alone. With the Q situation, us spending more time together, I'm finding that I'm leaving a lot of things on the wayside, God included. I went out, cleaned my car, bought some random items, and came back to my room, alone.

Part of my personal and spiritual journey is learning how and when to be alone. I find myself clinging to others, whether romantically or otherwise, because I either feel the need to see as many people as possible or because, even if I don't admit it, I don't always like being by myself, often forgetting that it's okay.

I came back to my room and knelt in prayer for the first time in a long time. My prayer wasn't long, it wasn't verbose; it was simple, genuine, heartfelt, and sincere. I asked for forgiveness, I gave gratitude for those who love me; I asked for strength, courage, wisdom, compassion, guidance, and a heart that will be the light to others. I asked for love, not for a significant other, but for love and compassion to show the world, not for someone else to show me. My mind was quiet and focused in prayer, as it needed to be. And you know what? My heart does feel lighter.

I'm still learning how to be alone, still learning how to truly love God. I'm growing, just as I need to be. I shouldn't be afraid to thank him, so I won't. Thank you Lord, truly.

Thank you.

Breaking the Spell

So it has been a long time, almost a whole month. I'm still here, I promise. I just have a couple of things to sort out:

a) My current relationships and
b) How much of my life I put into this blog

I know the latter is my choice, and what I choose to put here is what I very damn well please and if someone wants to bitch they can (says the man with a "secret" blog). The first, well, I think that's sorting itself out like it always does. Basically, I went crazy and got insecure when what I needed was some time away. It's okay to spend time away from the ones you love. I happen to need that me-time.

So, since I have to go to bed early, I promise you a post tomorrow.