What the fuck guys, WHAT THE FUCK?!
I guess I'm supposed to figure out everything for myself. No one has to tell me a damn thing. Well, I know what's going on now, but not because anyone told me.
I know it's selfish, but it's justified.
I'm waiting for someone to tell me I'm wrong, absolutely wrong, that I should be worrying about my friends instead of myself. I can't figure out, though, what's right or what's justified. I only believe I'm justified because I feel slighted, but my own issues have at least some relevance here.
Make no mistake, as much as I'm angry, I feel just as much for my friends. I didn't expect this, and I can't say anyone else did either. I just wish someone would talk to me, or do I need to start asking questions?
Let me know what's going on, keep me clued in. If we're calling ourselves a circle, don't just leave this tangent point. Do you see what I mean, where I'm coming from, and why I'm so pissed?
You know, I just don't know anymore. A dynamic is broken and I fear some of my closest relationships are being severed.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Issues
Recently, my roommate and his girlfriend have been at odds (???) I guess you can say. I phrase it like that because, well, I don't know what the hell is going on. All I know is things are weird. Usually she's in the room every night, but she's been staying in her own room lately and the roomie is almost no where to be seen.
The issues that arise?
a) C is visibly upset and has been for the past few days. We don't have the kind of the relationship where she comes to me and vice versa for advice, though I would consider us close.
b) Like I said, I don't know what the hell is going on, and it's been bugging me for a while
c) G knows and so does B, and I found this out when G conveniently takes me out of the room so B and C can talk, and I tell her she doesn't have to stay out with me (I'd just play on my phone) so they go talk and close the door and I'm in their living area watching tv
d) G doesn't want to tell C's business as she puts it, but I walk in one day while she and W are talking and they get quiet and mention a, literally A, mundane thing during the short while I'm there, so I assumed (also risking making myself to be a bigger ass) that they were talking about the aforementioned issue
e) This leads to the dilemma of me not knowing a damn thing, per usual (I just wanted to say that :D). So on top of being worried about C and D and whatever the hell is going on, I'm getting pissed because yet again I'm on the outside of some freaking loop, except this time, IT'S ACTUALLY IMPORTANT!
I understand if C doesn't want to tell me, because I've been in that situation before, but for G to go out of her way to make sure I don't hear anything and then to (once again, assuming) tell W just pisses me off. I'm tired of being around and having people shuffle to other rooms to talk about some apparently secret bullshit. Just writing about it here is starting to make me angry. This isn't just some mild paranoia; I feel like I'm being alienated and like I never know what's going on. I thought this shit was over and I was being delusional, but that may not be true.
It's a little hard to be rational right now.
The issues that arise?
a) C is visibly upset and has been for the past few days. We don't have the kind of the relationship where she comes to me and vice versa for advice, though I would consider us close.
b) Like I said, I don't know what the hell is going on, and it's been bugging me for a while
c) G knows and so does B, and I found this out when G conveniently takes me out of the room so B and C can talk, and I tell her she doesn't have to stay out with me (I'd just play on my phone) so they go talk and close the door and I'm in their living area watching tv
d) G doesn't want to tell C's business as she puts it, but I walk in one day while she and W are talking and they get quiet and mention a, literally A, mundane thing during the short while I'm there, so I assumed (also risking making myself to be a bigger ass) that they were talking about the aforementioned issue
e) This leads to the dilemma of me not knowing a damn thing, per usual (I just wanted to say that :D). So on top of being worried about C and D and whatever the hell is going on, I'm getting pissed because yet again I'm on the outside of some freaking loop, except this time, IT'S ACTUALLY IMPORTANT!
I understand if C doesn't want to tell me, because I've been in that situation before, but for G to go out of her way to make sure I don't hear anything and then to (once again, assuming) tell W just pisses me off. I'm tired of being around and having people shuffle to other rooms to talk about some apparently secret bullshit. Just writing about it here is starting to make me angry. This isn't just some mild paranoia; I feel like I'm being alienated and like I never know what's going on. I thought this shit was over and I was being delusional, but that may not be true.
It's a little hard to be rational right now.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Ain't No Feeling Like Being...
Scenario:
You meet someone who's pretty damn close to that boy you've always wanted to meet. He's witty, intelligent, cute. The only drawback is that he smokes (which has nothing to do with the scenario at large).
He doesn't want a relationship (guess where I'm going).
You've slept together, you know, in "that" way. You get all cutesy and cuddly and slightly flirtatious, but there are still things you'd fix about this whole situation.
Now, for two people sleeping together, what are you? Are you a couple by merit? Are you just "friends with benefits"? And, more importantly, what will you be? Where does this end?
He says he doesn't form emotional attachments well, he's not interested in a relationship (because he's young, 19, and he's been there before), but you are the exact opposite in those respects.
To me, the most logical answer is: stop. Stop before YOU get hurt. You're going to be respectful of him by not sleeping with anyone else, but it's foolish to believe he's going to do the same. People without limitations take advantage of that. Even people WITH limitations take advantage of that. This whole thing spells disaster if you stay. Because, well, if he's not sleeping with anyone, if he's just sleeping with you, why isn't it a relationship?
Is there such a thing as an exclusive friend with benefits? I guess so, but I'm of the general opinion that any two people sleeping together that aren't in a relationship aren't bound by any rules, which is why this is going to be a really shitty situation for you before long. You'll fall in love, or even just in like, and he won't. Simple. It's hard to trust someone when all bets are off, even though you want to.
If you want me, take me. I'm not waiting til you want a relationship. I'm not waiting at all. I'm not going to start doing other people if I'm with you in any way, but I will end whatever... Thing this is. I'm missing out on you by not being with you, and I'm missing out on my world by not doing what I really want to.
Sorry I just put you on blast.
So, in the end, and in the words of Destiny's Child:
Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart's in the right place
Ain't no feelin' like being free
When you've done all you could
But was misunderstood
It's all good
Ain't no feelin' like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
Finally I'm looking out for me
Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart is in the right place. Yea.
Ain't no feelin' like being free
You meet someone who's pretty damn close to that boy you've always wanted to meet. He's witty, intelligent, cute. The only drawback is that he smokes (which has nothing to do with the scenario at large).
He doesn't want a relationship (guess where I'm going).
You've slept together, you know, in "that" way. You get all cutesy and cuddly and slightly flirtatious, but there are still things you'd fix about this whole situation.
Now, for two people sleeping together, what are you? Are you a couple by merit? Are you just "friends with benefits"? And, more importantly, what will you be? Where does this end?
He says he doesn't form emotional attachments well, he's not interested in a relationship (because he's young, 19, and he's been there before), but you are the exact opposite in those respects.
To me, the most logical answer is: stop. Stop before YOU get hurt. You're going to be respectful of him by not sleeping with anyone else, but it's foolish to believe he's going to do the same. People without limitations take advantage of that. Even people WITH limitations take advantage of that. This whole thing spells disaster if you stay. Because, well, if he's not sleeping with anyone, if he's just sleeping with you, why isn't it a relationship?
Is there such a thing as an exclusive friend with benefits? I guess so, but I'm of the general opinion that any two people sleeping together that aren't in a relationship aren't bound by any rules, which is why this is going to be a really shitty situation for you before long. You'll fall in love, or even just in like, and he won't. Simple. It's hard to trust someone when all bets are off, even though you want to.
If you want me, take me. I'm not waiting til you want a relationship. I'm not waiting at all. I'm not going to start doing other people if I'm with you in any way, but I will end whatever... Thing this is. I'm missing out on you by not being with you, and I'm missing out on my world by not doing what I really want to.
Sorry I just put you on blast.
So, in the end, and in the words of Destiny's Child:
Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart's in the right place
Ain't no feelin' like being free
When you've done all you could
But was misunderstood
It's all good
Ain't no feelin' like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
Finally I'm looking out for me
Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart is in the right place. Yea.
Ain't no feelin' like being free
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Way That Seems Right Leads to Death
On my infrequent sojourn into that good book we all know as the Bible this morning, I came across a verse:
Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death
Of course, I thought nothing but of my own personal covenant with God. The point where I realized that no, you can't pray the gay away, is where things took a turn (seemingly) for the better. I stopped crying and I went to God in prayer, and I said:
Dear Lord,
I come to you, realizing that this "change" is pretty permanent. But, instead of fighting another useless fight, I want to try something new. I want to show you that I can live my life for you (note: developing story), all the while not forsaking the nature that you've given me. I don't believe I can truly be happy while trying my whole life not to be gay. There are countless other sins that don't involve the nature of a man or woman, that, while difficult, can still be discarded. What happiness is there in denying oneself? Am I missing the message in sacrificing life for you? What I'm trying to say is, I want to be happy. And I'm going to try. With you there, but not as a man hiding himself from the world.
Of course, artistic liberties have been taken considering that prayer is years old. What got me thinking even more about that was when I searched for that verse on the net. I found an essay, which could've easily been a sermon. While it did make sense and I found myself relating to most of it, the last point was jarring: once we leave morality delegated by the Bible, we begin to rely on human reasoning and mark our paths into Hell.
I don't know if I can really take that to heart, at all. The Bible can be just as hurtful as it is helpful, which could explain my very awkward and painful teenage years. Trying to cope with the message of God while trying to understand yourself in anyway isn't always easy unless you're born a WASP, in my opinion. And I don't think that people use the Bible as the universal, in every sense of the word, moral guide because we often get things wrong, as I could be doing right now, and innocents get hurt because of that.
Sometimes, this seems right. But did God intend for me to live a life of depression and self-restriction so I can be closer to him? Is it not possible to find a man to love in the light of God? How is this supposed to work...?
I'd feel like I was letting myself down if I chose to completely live for God, let go of the homosexuality and everything, but am I letting him down by living for him and trying to live for myself all the same?
Consider this sacrilege or not, but there is a very good reason that I choose to cling to God instead of man or the "word."
Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death
Of course, I thought nothing but of my own personal covenant with God. The point where I realized that no, you can't pray the gay away, is where things took a turn (seemingly) for the better. I stopped crying and I went to God in prayer, and I said:
Dear Lord,
I come to you, realizing that this "change" is pretty permanent. But, instead of fighting another useless fight, I want to try something new. I want to show you that I can live my life for you (note: developing story), all the while not forsaking the nature that you've given me. I don't believe I can truly be happy while trying my whole life not to be gay. There are countless other sins that don't involve the nature of a man or woman, that, while difficult, can still be discarded. What happiness is there in denying oneself? Am I missing the message in sacrificing life for you? What I'm trying to say is, I want to be happy. And I'm going to try. With you there, but not as a man hiding himself from the world.
Of course, artistic liberties have been taken considering that prayer is years old. What got me thinking even more about that was when I searched for that verse on the net. I found an essay, which could've easily been a sermon. While it did make sense and I found myself relating to most of it, the last point was jarring: once we leave morality delegated by the Bible, we begin to rely on human reasoning and mark our paths into Hell.
I don't know if I can really take that to heart, at all. The Bible can be just as hurtful as it is helpful, which could explain my very awkward and painful teenage years. Trying to cope with the message of God while trying to understand yourself in anyway isn't always easy unless you're born a WASP, in my opinion. And I don't think that people use the Bible as the universal, in every sense of the word, moral guide because we often get things wrong, as I could be doing right now, and innocents get hurt because of that.
Sometimes, this seems right. But did God intend for me to live a life of depression and self-restriction so I can be closer to him? Is it not possible to find a man to love in the light of God? How is this supposed to work...?
I'd feel like I was letting myself down if I chose to completely live for God, let go of the homosexuality and everything, but am I letting him down by living for him and trying to live for myself all the same?
Consider this sacrilege or not, but there is a very good reason that I choose to cling to God instead of man or the "word."
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