Back to my theory... Wait, back to the common knowledge of me being an attractive male (sorry, modesty and humility aside, it's getting to be psychologically necessary for me to say such things)...
What in the hell is the boy thinking?!
I've exhausted the possibilities of this situation. Sure, I could not be getting each and every one of his txts except for when he replies to mine (sometimes not even that). Sure, I could be missing each and every one of his phone calls. Hell no. I'm not stupid damnit. If he wanted to talk to me, he has more than one method. So I'm done. It just angers me that I spent time chasing him, at all, to get absolutely nothing.
I'm actually trying to not sound so self-absorbed (even though it is hard), but as I become more aware of a) what I want, b) what I'm worth, and c) the more I start to love myself (in that good, self-assuring way), the more I notice that some of the other fish in the sea are swimming in my direction. Like I've said before, I put him on a pedestal, and I thought he'd be different. But he wasn't. He wasn't any different for me.
Maybe we should try being friends another time when I'm not the only one who actually is trying.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Brick
It's hard not to sound crazy, but...
You make me so mad. I want to throw a brick, I want to scream. I want to break something to let loose this anger but I don't think it would ever work. That star you made just became a swirling vortex of red energy, feeding off all these negative emotions.
You hurt me, a lot more than I expected you would. I cycle between feeling hurt and angry and I want to make the cycle stop.
Still, the truth will always be, you hurt me. Whatever reason you had you could've told me and I'd be fine (theoretically...). I trusted you and you hurt me and I feel weak and vulnerable for feeling this way but I can't replace it with anything else. You make me want a cigarette. Yes, that is bad.
You make me so mad. I want to throw a brick, I want to scream. I want to break something to let loose this anger but I don't think it would ever work. That star you made just became a swirling vortex of red energy, feeding off all these negative emotions.
You hurt me, a lot more than I expected you would. I cycle between feeling hurt and angry and I want to make the cycle stop.
Still, the truth will always be, you hurt me. Whatever reason you had you could've told me and I'd be fine (theoretically...). I trusted you and you hurt me and I feel weak and vulnerable for feeling this way but I can't replace it with anything else. You make me want a cigarette. Yes, that is bad.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
It's Alright, It's Alright, It's Alright...
The tears snuck up on me again. Except...
This time I have no idea why
This time I have no idea why
Monday, April 14, 2008
Deactivate
I deactivated Facebook on Saturday. I was tired of the emotional energy I was putting into a damn website. Yes, emotional energy. A lot of the things I did on Facebook were spurred on by emotional causes, and now I'm trying to get away from that.
Of course, now I have more time to do a lot more things and get work done, and I really appreciate that, but this is also a secondary motive. My main motive was because I was tired of seeing exes happy, I was tired of being online and waiting for someone (specific someone) to message me. I was tired of sending clues and trying to be cute in a status to lure someone to say something (same specific someone). I wasted a lot of time and energy that could have been spent on building myself, mentally, emotionally, and academically.
I'm just started to realize what life is like without Facebook. I still instinctively try to sign in (thank God the deactivation has to be reactivated by a special means) and click on the nifty Firefox Facebook button, but I stop myself. Life has a new tone without getting on that site. I think deactivating it was necessary, so I could spend some time on myself without checking on others. Now I can look at other things using my phone haha!
I don't know how long I'll keep this up; probably for a while. Like I said, things are pretty peaceful and non-stressful without Facebook. I wonder if I'll get used to it...
Of course, now I have more time to do a lot more things and get work done, and I really appreciate that, but this is also a secondary motive. My main motive was because I was tired of seeing exes happy, I was tired of being online and waiting for someone (specific someone) to message me. I was tired of sending clues and trying to be cute in a status to lure someone to say something (same specific someone). I wasted a lot of time and energy that could have been spent on building myself, mentally, emotionally, and academically.
I'm just started to realize what life is like without Facebook. I still instinctively try to sign in (thank God the deactivation has to be reactivated by a special means) and click on the nifty Firefox Facebook button, but I stop myself. Life has a new tone without getting on that site. I think deactivating it was necessary, so I could spend some time on myself without checking on others. Now I can look at other things using my phone haha!
I don't know how long I'll keep this up; probably for a while. Like I said, things are pretty peaceful and non-stressful without Facebook. I wonder if I'll get used to it...
Imagine Me
I can imagine me, being free, loving You totally - Kirk Franklin "Imagine Me"
Today, I could feel this presence, this apprehension growing on me. I got out of class early, picked up some lunch, came to my room... And realized I was crying. I couldn't stop; the tears came on without warning and I let them loose. I cried, felt sorry for myself for a while. Because I needed to, and I think God and my body were letting me know.
Mr. O, you hurt me a lot more than I would admit. Over the course of 2-3 weeks I feel as if I've gone through a hard breakup with someone I cared a lot for. I kept saying that I could get over you any moment I wanted to, but I also kept waiting for the time that you'd say "Yes," and quit playing games with me. You seem like a great guy, but you didn't treat me like a great guy would. No, not exclusive, not even dating, but it still hurt. I realize this now. You dealt a blow that I don't think either of us knew was coming or would be of this magnitude. Yea, I'm kinda angry (kinda meaning very) because I was hopeful and I trusted you to be different, but you weren't, and that's okay. You just may not be right for me, not right now and possibly not ever. I really am fine with waiting.
I've never really known my emotional pain to surface on me like this. I didn't expect it, I thought I was stronger, but I wasn't. That, too, is okay. I didn't prepare myself for this emotional strain. I'm learning to get past it, though, to look inside to find who I really am. I knew I should have done that when I started talking to Mr. O, but I ignored it once again because a boy I liked was finally returning the affection to any degree.
I am growing a lot right now, and I have been ever since the beginning of 2007. I started to make changes and 16 months later, I'm realizing what changes have happened. Just as long as I don't take to old habits, old things won't keep happening and hurting me in old ways. I am a strong person, and sometimes it takes a breakdown to rebuild myself and make myself stronger. I had one today and here I am, not necessarily happy, but becoming whole. I'm realizing who I am and just what I have to bring to the table, and I thank God for this revelation.
Today, I could feel this presence, this apprehension growing on me. I got out of class early, picked up some lunch, came to my room... And realized I was crying. I couldn't stop; the tears came on without warning and I let them loose. I cried, felt sorry for myself for a while. Because I needed to, and I think God and my body were letting me know.
Mr. O, you hurt me a lot more than I would admit. Over the course of 2-3 weeks I feel as if I've gone through a hard breakup with someone I cared a lot for. I kept saying that I could get over you any moment I wanted to, but I also kept waiting for the time that you'd say "Yes," and quit playing games with me. You seem like a great guy, but you didn't treat me like a great guy would. No, not exclusive, not even dating, but it still hurt. I realize this now. You dealt a blow that I don't think either of us knew was coming or would be of this magnitude. Yea, I'm kinda angry (kinda meaning very) because I was hopeful and I trusted you to be different, but you weren't, and that's okay. You just may not be right for me, not right now and possibly not ever. I really am fine with waiting.
I've never really known my emotional pain to surface on me like this. I didn't expect it, I thought I was stronger, but I wasn't. That, too, is okay. I didn't prepare myself for this emotional strain. I'm learning to get past it, though, to look inside to find who I really am. I knew I should have done that when I started talking to Mr. O, but I ignored it once again because a boy I liked was finally returning the affection to any degree.
I am growing a lot right now, and I have been ever since the beginning of 2007. I started to make changes and 16 months later, I'm realizing what changes have happened. Just as long as I don't take to old habits, old things won't keep happening and hurting me in old ways. I am a strong person, and sometimes it takes a breakdown to rebuild myself and make myself stronger. I had one today and here I am, not necessarily happy, but becoming whole. I'm realizing who I am and just what I have to bring to the table, and I thank God for this revelation.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Where Does This Ocean Go?
I want you to understand something:
I could show you something beautiful, as many things as I could. And if I failed, if I honestly couldn't, then I'd try my hardest. I could love you, I honestly could.
But I can't and won't wait for you. I want to get to know you, yes, right now, for the aim of being in a better relationship, but I'm not sure if you want to for the same reason. Maybe to see if we're right for each other, which I understand. I'm not used to being sensible; I'm used to being insensible and romantic when I get the chance and paying dearly for it because it seems like no one appreciates that anymore.
I don't know if I could get to know you just to be your friend; I have an ulterior motive, and you know that. It's to be with you, so I already have that bias. Of course I'm going to try to be your friend because I want so bad to be with you.
These strong emotions are so dangerous, though. They'll drive me to do and say crazy things, not like stalker or insane-bitch crazy, but the aforementioned impulsive and insensible crazy, the stand outside your window with a radio during a tornado crazy. I'm willing to do a lot to be with you, and I honestly wonder why. I don't know you very well, but well enough. I know what I like about you, but not what about you drives me so crazy. Sometimes I wonder if it's just because I'm lonely and I've been lonely and want someone to love and someone to love me. But this is different than that settling for someone just because they're there, so much different.
You've made this flame, this ball, this star grow inside me that tingles and expands. It creates galaxies, no lie, in my body. I'm going supernova inside for you (that sounds funny...) and I wish you could understand this.
Still, like I said, I can't and won't wait for you because that's stupid. I don't know if you'll have that same sense of consideration for me, because I've found that, more often than not, other people don't. And if you hurt me like that... No matter how I feel, I can promise you I won't try anymore. I've been there and it hurt, and I know I wouldn't do something like that to you. I can't wait, I won't wait, but I'm willing to.
I really hope it's mutual.
I could show you something beautiful, as many things as I could. And if I failed, if I honestly couldn't, then I'd try my hardest. I could love you, I honestly could.
But I can't and won't wait for you. I want to get to know you, yes, right now, for the aim of being in a better relationship, but I'm not sure if you want to for the same reason. Maybe to see if we're right for each other, which I understand. I'm not used to being sensible; I'm used to being insensible and romantic when I get the chance and paying dearly for it because it seems like no one appreciates that anymore.
I don't know if I could get to know you just to be your friend; I have an ulterior motive, and you know that. It's to be with you, so I already have that bias. Of course I'm going to try to be your friend because I want so bad to be with you.
These strong emotions are so dangerous, though. They'll drive me to do and say crazy things, not like stalker or insane-bitch crazy, but the aforementioned impulsive and insensible crazy, the stand outside your window with a radio during a tornado crazy. I'm willing to do a lot to be with you, and I honestly wonder why. I don't know you very well, but well enough. I know what I like about you, but not what about you drives me so crazy. Sometimes I wonder if it's just because I'm lonely and I've been lonely and want someone to love and someone to love me. But this is different than that settling for someone just because they're there, so much different.
You've made this flame, this ball, this star grow inside me that tingles and expands. It creates galaxies, no lie, in my body. I'm going supernova inside for you (that sounds funny...) and I wish you could understand this.
Still, like I said, I can't and won't wait for you because that's stupid. I don't know if you'll have that same sense of consideration for me, because I've found that, more often than not, other people don't. And if you hurt me like that... No matter how I feel, I can promise you I won't try anymore. I've been there and it hurt, and I know I wouldn't do something like that to you. I can't wait, I won't wait, but I'm willing to.
I really hope it's mutual.
Monday, April 7, 2008
In Love
The only way I could say that I'm in love is if I'm so completely high on my emotions that I don't control them and misinterpret my own feelings. I'm not in love; I'm strongly in like.
Strong enough to where I almost let myself go today, steadily edging closer to the point of no return, saying sweet things I want to mean but don't. I need to control myself, curb my emotions so that I don't end up unintentionally hurting someone I want so bad.
Instead, I said things that were true: that him being unsure has a possibility of me being hurt, because I open myself easily; this wouldn't be a problem if I didn't like him so much; the fact that I want him as much as I do gives me drive enough to tell him how I feel, tell him sweet things and mean it. This all considering the possibility that I *haven't* driven him off.
I want to see where this goes, but if we're friends for the moment, I have to get myself in check.
Strong enough to where I almost let myself go today, steadily edging closer to the point of no return, saying sweet things I want to mean but don't. I need to control myself, curb my emotions so that I don't end up unintentionally hurting someone I want so bad.
Instead, I said things that were true: that him being unsure has a possibility of me being hurt, because I open myself easily; this wouldn't be a problem if I didn't like him so much; the fact that I want him as much as I do gives me drive enough to tell him how I feel, tell him sweet things and mean it. This all considering the possibility that I *haven't* driven him off.
I want to see where this goes, but if we're friends for the moment, I have to get myself in check.
Friday, April 4, 2008
You Don't Know, Do You?
I really don't think he understands that my heart is kinda breaking already and it's been maybe a little over a week since we started talking or whatever this situation is?
I'm not used to this limited mode of communication when someone is ACTUALLY interested in me. Things usually progress pretty fast, we get to talking cute and what not, and I'M the one who leaves because it's usually with someone I'm attracted to only because I'm lonely and don't always realize what I'm doing. Alcohol, contrary to popular opinion, does not help these situations.
But now that I'm in a situation with someone I like genuinely and who likes me hopefully in the same way, I find myself suffering the fate of those doomed to not be attractive in my eyes. Just reading what he does and the way he communicates, that's how I talk to people I don't like, either at all or anymore. Is this karma? I guess doing that to people has its consequences.
It's just so frustrating! I'm a txt or a call away, you know? He is, too, but there comes a point in any interaction where it feels like one person is carrying the brunt of it and the other is responsive, or not, because he or she has to be. I'm getting fed up easily and rather quickly and I wish it wasn't like this. I want him to prove me wrong, but I'm not sure if he will. I'm thinking of just saying "This is how I feel. I can't read you and that bothers me because all the signs to point to this being mutual" or something to that effect.
This sucks.
I'm not used to this limited mode of communication when someone is ACTUALLY interested in me. Things usually progress pretty fast, we get to talking cute and what not, and I'M the one who leaves because it's usually with someone I'm attracted to only because I'm lonely and don't always realize what I'm doing. Alcohol, contrary to popular opinion, does not help these situations.
But now that I'm in a situation with someone I like genuinely and who likes me hopefully in the same way, I find myself suffering the fate of those doomed to not be attractive in my eyes. Just reading what he does and the way he communicates, that's how I talk to people I don't like, either at all or anymore. Is this karma? I guess doing that to people has its consequences.
It's just so frustrating! I'm a txt or a call away, you know? He is, too, but there comes a point in any interaction where it feels like one person is carrying the brunt of it and the other is responsive, or not, because he or she has to be. I'm getting fed up easily and rather quickly and I wish it wasn't like this. I want him to prove me wrong, but I'm not sure if he will. I'm thinking of just saying "This is how I feel. I can't read you and that bothers me because all the signs to point to this being mutual" or something to that effect.
This sucks.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
18
Reading one of my old journals I realize how stupid I was when I was 18. I felt a lot of dumb things and did a lot of dumb things. How could I seriously call one of the worst nights of my life "good"? It was my first time being drunk, and I did it because I was in love with someone who didn't love me back and never chose me and I had to watch it this time. I had to watch him be with someone else, dance with someone else, and leave me alone. I had to watch him hurt me over and over again and I kept letting it happen.
I've learned a lot, but sometimes I wish I hadn't. Sometimes I still wish I was a virgin; I should have waited. Sex is good; he wasn't good for me. I wonder how much more different my life would be if I had never met him. Where would I be? Would I still be as naive? The lessons that I had to learn, personally, are the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I had to grow to stop loving someone who, like I said, didn't love me back. I can't even bring myself to talk to him because in my world he hasn't changed. He still stupid and immature. And he doesn't love me...
I feel like a lot of stuff went with him when I cut him out of my life. Or he cut me out. I don't know, whatever. He's not here and that's the good thing. I just wish I didn't miss him. He's a stupid jackass and he always has been but somehow I keep betraying myself and we start talking again only for one of us to leave the other alone. It's hard to figure out what is my fault and what is his; I keep blaming him because it seems right, because if I start blaming myself for breaking my own heart I don't think I could handle it.
I was 18, emotional, and stupid. Now I'm 20, jaded, and fighting to not be so stupid. Two years can make a big difference, even if I'm still so young. Is it right to say that wasn't fair? I had to force myself to grow in those long months. And now... I'm not exactly sure what I have to show for it
/crying
I've learned a lot, but sometimes I wish I hadn't. Sometimes I still wish I was a virgin; I should have waited. Sex is good; he wasn't good for me. I wonder how much more different my life would be if I had never met him. Where would I be? Would I still be as naive? The lessons that I had to learn, personally, are the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I had to grow to stop loving someone who, like I said, didn't love me back. I can't even bring myself to talk to him because in my world he hasn't changed. He still stupid and immature. And he doesn't love me...
I feel like a lot of stuff went with him when I cut him out of my life. Or he cut me out. I don't know, whatever. He's not here and that's the good thing. I just wish I didn't miss him. He's a stupid jackass and he always has been but somehow I keep betraying myself and we start talking again only for one of us to leave the other alone. It's hard to figure out what is my fault and what is his; I keep blaming him because it seems right, because if I start blaming myself for breaking my own heart I don't think I could handle it.
I was 18, emotional, and stupid. Now I'm 20, jaded, and fighting to not be so stupid. Two years can make a big difference, even if I'm still so young. Is it right to say that wasn't fair? I had to force myself to grow in those long months. And now... I'm not exactly sure what I have to show for it
/crying
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
You and I Both
Posts in quick succession. I know. I know. But this one needed it's own post.
I think... I'm falling hardcore.
First, it's not very often that I have a crush on someone that I don't get over in a matter of time. Have I put him on such a high pedestal that I can't get him down? There's just... Something, so much about him I want to know. It's just something he does to me, you know? Whether I'm around him or not (which has only happened once unfortunately...) I've wanted to get to know him for so long and now's my chance and...
Will it work?
It's racking my brain, seriously. I can't read him, at all. That means trouble; reading people helps, but what I'm reading from him kinda says... Lay off? Yea, that's about it. But he reciprocates sometimes... I don't know. I send a txt and may or may not get a reply and it drives me crazy. What the hell am I supposed to do? Am I the only guy he's talking to? I won't be an option again.
I just want, so much, for this to work, but I'm trying to be smart about it. As smart as I can anyway. *sigh*
Stargazer Lily (beautiful in name and image) for ambition. Guess what kind haha.
Isn't ambition what killed Julius Caesar?
No, a crazy bitch named Brutus with a knife killed Caesar. With some other crazy bitches.
Exes Getting STD's!
Not true! It's a line in "Schadenfreude" from the Broadway musical Avenue Q.
Just wanted to say, I believe that, whenever your ex is happy, you are obligated to a mild to moderate sense of nausea.
Just wanted to say, I believe that, whenever your ex is happy, you are obligated to a mild to moderate sense of nausea.
I Must Be Dreaming - Today's Playlist
Ghosts (Vincent De Moor Original Mix) - Tenth Planet
Do It Right - SOTA ft. Ebony Fay
Simple Being Loved - BT
Simple and Clean (PlanitB Remix) - Utada Hikaru
Chemicals React - Aly & AJ
Diary - Alicia Keys
Hate That I Love You - Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo
Can You Believe? - Robin Thicke
Do You Really Want Me? - Robyn
The Other Side of Love - m-flo loves Sister E
Simple and Lovely - m-flo loves Koda Kumi
Loop in My Heart - m-flo loves Yoshika & Emyli
Stuck in Your Love - m-flo loves melody.
Miss You - m-flo loves melody. & Ryohei Yamamoto
I Know - Crystal Kay
You and I Both - Jason Mraz
Must Be Dreaming - Frou Frou
Let Go - Frou Frou
Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
Echo - Incubus
Stellar - Incubus
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
Do It Right - SOTA ft. Ebony Fay
Simple Being Loved - BT
Simple and Clean (PlanitB Remix) - Utada Hikaru
Chemicals React - Aly & AJ
Diary - Alicia Keys
Hate That I Love You - Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo
Can You Believe? - Robin Thicke
Do You Really Want Me? - Robyn
The Other Side of Love - m-flo loves Sister E
Simple and Lovely - m-flo loves Koda Kumi
Loop in My Heart - m-flo loves Yoshika & Emyli
Stuck in Your Love - m-flo loves melody.
Miss You - m-flo loves melody. & Ryohei Yamamoto
I Know - Crystal Kay
You and I Both - Jason Mraz
Must Be Dreaming - Frou Frou
Let Go - Frou Frou
Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
Echo - Incubus
Stellar - Incubus
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
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