Things to Consider

Originally, I had come up with a pretty interesting idea while brushing my teeth. Then I forgot it and could only remember that it had to do with the duality of something or other. So, today, I bring you this post:

I'm insensible. We all know this. I can be impulsive, stupid, and prone to just going by my emotions and letting them cloud my judgment (which is ironically pretty intact). So, with any new romantic situation I find that there's a lot of purpose in me remaining single.

I'm getting close, but I still haven't learned to truly be "by myself." I know what it feels like, but I don't know the full security of being single and alone, and not in that usually painful way. I still get upset at unreturned txts or calls. I still get jealous for no reason at all when I have no need to be. I don't think I'm as strong as I want to be or could be. Not should be, no one "should" be anything, should is a very very bad word.

I realized within this past week that I still need to:
a) Grow more comfortable with myself
b) Keep priorities in line (which includes the hierarchy of interaction, i.e. family over friends over love interests, so on and so forth)
c) Stay focused on things that are not only important, but that don't distract me in any way, form, or fashion.

Instead of worrying about some damn boy, I need to surround myself with friends and the people that matter. It's so easy for me to get lost in the land of almost-romance, because the land of romance is incredibly elusive and will more than likely take a change of habit, thought, and behavior (yes). Too often I allow my world to change for someone else or how they made me feel. This, my fair readers *cricket*, is what needs to change.

In the words of Destiny's Child:

"Time is of the essence and it's much to short to waste another minute on you. While you're steady telling lies, I'm packing, saying 'Bye.' I thought you were my dream come true."

So, here begins the rest of my day, sans boy-stress.

Amen.

The Relationship Dilemma

For a while now, I've been single. In fact, after next Tuesday, it will be one calendar year. Of course, I've had my almosts, my sortas, my one date, and a slew of what I consider to be failures. Sometimes, I don't like being single. Other times, I revel in the fact that I don't have the tether known as a relationship. What I constantly find though is that when faced with a relationship, I face the inevitable question of "Do I need a relationship?"

I'm 20. In a few months I'll be 21. I should be doing crazy things and having crazy fun with lots of people. Right? Wrong. I know that life won't make me happy, so I don't try. But sometimes, I'd like to take part in it. Stop putting these blocks and limits and restrictions on myself; be free, in essence. But I already know the dangers that go hand in hand with such a life, things I don't want to deal with.

So, with the latest boy, whom we'll call "Q", I've found something and someone that I think I could devote time to. The only problem is he doesn't want a relationship. This apparently does not stop him from doing all those cute things like calling and being mildly flirtatious. In a particularly non-innocent but non-slutty romp, he cuddled with me, or, we cuddled, rather. For someone who doesn't want a relationship, he sure does betray my sensibilities on the subject. When I say I don't want a relationship, I mean it. I don't want to be touched. Yet, I've found that everyone has their own definitions of everything.

I need to bring this up or break it off or something. But I'm weak. And haven't been touched in a while. I know, I know, bad criteria for continuing a physical relationship.

One thought that lingers in the back of my mind though...

I'm afraid to trust him because I'm afraid that's the moment when I get hurt and he gets to romp around with other people. I can't expect this to be exclusive, that's stupid. I keep thinking, it could always be someone else on another day, because being insensible and just going with this will only get me in trouble (See: any other relationship trauma in my life).