Oh *sigh*

There are a lot of things I don't like; as of late, a lot of these have had to do with people.

I hate that I don't have one solid group of friends. Though being around the same people all the time can grow to be taxing, I want that core, that strong circle. Instead, I have multiple. I actually do have plenty of people to call and hang with; it's just that, sometimes, the first person I call isn't available then I'll call someone else and it'll be the same, then eventually it gets to the point where I want someone to be around, but I feel like I'm using them because I didn't call first, you know?

And not just that. Those circles break; I see the breakdown now. There used to be group A which turned to nothing, so I went to group B and they were awesome, and now group C, who I'm around most of the time. But group C makes me feel insecure sometimes (see previous posts) and I'm starting to notice the bad things I don't like about being around. Group B was split (conflict of interests; not in that bad way, but in that different paths way) so there's basically group B1 and B2, with a few individual outliers. The problem here is that B1 and B2 shouldn't exist in the first place; an argument and the aforementioned conflict of interest split group B that way. It sucks because I'm seeing multiple sides of different stories and I'm starting to feel guilty about hanging around 1 and not 2 or vice versa. It all seems immature, but even adults stop talking to people for shitty reasons. I've seen this and done this myself.

And there's the old argument of trying to keep in touch with so many but being unable to. I want to let everyone know I care, but I can't do that simultaneously all of the time. I feel like I have to pick who I want close. I think it should work like that, but not like a lottery.

Too much drama and fussing and shitty things abound. If they could see from my eyes, would they still be bitter towards each other, or would they reconcile? It's not always good to know two sides of one story if you're the neutral party.

Love, Love, Love

I fell in love with you again; I'm sorry but it hits me hard sometimes.

You really don't know do you?

That I'd write you an epic the moment you asked. I've read everything you've ever written. Trust me. I'd do so much for you. You may know I want you, but that's not all.

I'm in love with you and I want so bad to tell you and have it mean something.

But it won't.

It never will.

The apple blossom is for my promise to love you, forever and always, if I ever get the chance.

Blog Vomit

No senes of cohesiveness in thought today, so I brought you this:

I will stop caring and stop caring and caring
And let words hang loosely off my lips

Thoughts hang limply from cliffs
Of the mind,
Drop from the precipice
Into shallow waters that lace the chasm

What insecurities plague me
But those that should have no weight?
Whispers of spite and indignance
Always bite with that sense of stealth

Invade the mind with a horrible precision
Strike in the same spot
The hole in the shield
That gives away my defense

I will stop caring and stop caring and caring
Life's too short
To be the slave of imaginary slander


Hm... Yea, I like that. Needs work, though.

Me: You know, you do make me mad sometimes
Scott: Yea, you actually make me mad a lot. But I still love you.
Me: Really?! You make me mad a lot, too!
Both: Alright!!!

Uh huh, that instance was pretty funny. And that pretty much sums up anything bad I had ever felt about him. Haha go fig!

On Pain

And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so mush you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

-Kahlil Gibran

New Soul

I should be working on something Psychology related, mostly so my research partners won't hate me, but I found it useful to do this instead:

Why do people make me so angry? Why am I angry in the first place? All the things that I don't like in the people around me, from how I "think" they treat me to how they do treat me... I wonder which holds the most weight. How can I feel so shitty sometimes but feel so much better later, when I'm talking to them one-on-one? I feel a sense of betrayal inside; I don't know what to feel or when to feel it.

I've known for a long time that I'm not a huge fan of groups anyway, so why try? I like more personal interactions, maybe so one person can just focus on me (haha!), or vice versa.

It's just... I don't want to spill out my heart because I feel one way only to find that it's not true later. Maybe that's the purpose of letting emotions out anyway... I like getting my feelings out, but I'm trying to find the safest way without feeling alienated or blaming others...

The Peony is for healing, which I am in the process of doing

Bitter

I'm angry and bitter and sad because other people are happy. I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy, but I don't think I'll get it acting like this. Fuck this. I need to be single. For sure. I don't need a man or anyone else. I can't even get my thoughts together...

No flower.

Okay, I think I have it now. I try to prove to others that I'm not ordinary. I think only ordinary hurt people, but I find myself in the same situation. I don't like hurting people, but that fear drives me to be inactive. I become silent. I do nothing and I end up hurting people anyway. Does this make me ordinary? Sure. Does this make me a jackass? Yea, mostly because it's been done to me and I hated it when i thappened.

Instead of trying to find the right way and circumstances, why not just do it? It's a txt, but I don't give a damn. I need to quit leading him on.

I have so much anger boiling inside me that I honestly just want to cry! Why all this frustration and torment? Oh yea, because one of my "friends" just might be going after another guy I was involved with. Sure, I'm about to dump the guy. Sure, he may not have known. That doesn't make me feel any less shitty. Ugh, fuck this shit. I'm watching Gundam Wing.

Speaking of, no flower, like I said, but one of my favorite Gundam models. Altron from Gundam Wing. He kicks ass. No contest.