Saturday, December 24, 2011
Just For Now
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
On Idealism
Monday, November 14, 2011
Validate Me
Thursday, October 13, 2011
31 Day Reset: Day 1
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A Moment's Reprieve
Sunday, September 4, 2011
No Longer
Thursday, September 1, 2011
A Beautiful Brown
When I was younger, I wanted blue eyes. Not for the aforementioned reasons, but because I didn't feel the brown was enough. 99.9999% of all the little Black children I knew had brown eyes (I remember seeing only a small number of those without brown eyes). All of the little Asian children I knew had brown eyes. But all of the little White children? Green, gray, blue, hazel. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to dye my hair and have it not look unnatural. I wanted options. I did not have those as a Black boy. Not like the White kids.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Analysis of a 'Breakdown'
Breakdown by Mariah Carey is one of my favorite songs in the world and one of the most capable of reducing me to a sobbing pile of man on the floor. Hyperbole aside, it is a great song. I started thinking of why, and came up with this analysis:
The song starts with Mariah's ad-libbed vocals and Bone Thugs saying:
Break-breakdown
Steady breaking me on down
Thus, we know we are about to get into heavy business. We have a very soft lyrical start:
You called yesterday
To basically say
That you care for me but
That you're just not in love
We have a moment of clarity at the outset. We know how all of this began. Each of the line breaks indicates a pause in Mariah's singing, which I think is important. I can imagine her telling this story to a friend, trying to catch her breath, or trying to slow down as not to cry. Mariah continues her story, still rather soft-spoken, mirroring the sentiments of the lyrics:
Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly
And led you to believe I was okay
To just walk away from the
One thing that was yielding and sacred to me.
To think that she could say all of that without breaking down is astounding, but she relates it rather 'nonchalantly' (an important word which shows up in the chorus). Next, we actually have the chorus:
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
But I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel, and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry
In the sound of her voice, she is trying to be nonchalant, to pretend as though she isn't phased. I can imagine telling this story and acting as though I were okay, smiling as though I can get over it. It kinda reflects the 'denial' stage of grief, not believing it's over. Next comes anger...:
What do you do when (when)
Somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you,
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through?
She doesn't know why she's going through this, so she's asking 'What the hell do I do? How do I deal with this situation?' I can sense both the anger and sadness here. The rest of the verse:
Do you cling to your pride, and sing 'I will survive'?
Do you lash out and say 'How dare you leave this way'?
Or do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?
It seems as though she is a mix of strength, anger, and being defeated. We have a bit of a rise in Mariah's voice as she sings the second line, and as she sings the last, she seems to fade into the chorus repeat. After the chorus, we have the Bone Thugs rap:
It'll break you down
Only if you let it
Everyday crucial situation wrackin' my mind
Tryin' to break me down
But I won't let it
Forget it
Forget it
I've been feelin' like you're breakin' me down
Kickin' me around
Stressin' me out
I think I better go and get out and let me
Release some stress (stress)
Don't ever wanna feel no pain (pain)
Hoping for the sun
But it looks like rain (rain, rain, rain)
Oh, i just wanna maintain
Yeah, when you feel the pressure's on
But nevertheless
Krayzie won't fall
It's over
It's endin' here, here
The rap reflects some amazing sentiments. First, we have the idea that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Next, we have feelings of weakness, of being hit while we're down. After, we have emotions that reflect helplessness, a desire to see the positive but being unable to, a desire to just get through. Last, we have the idea that, no, this won't break us, even though we are struggling. The end of the song is where it gets good.
Among the repeat of the chorus, we have Mariah doing her most emotive work yet on the song. It has been building from the beginning. As she starts the story, relates her true emotions, questions what she's supposed to do. She cycles through various emotions to get to this point of release. Essentially, she is crying out, kind of like Dane Cook's idea of the 'I did my best!' repetition. This is the part of the song where, if I haven't cried during the rest, I start, especially if I'm singing, because I let loose. If I'm feeling pain, it is raw, out in the open. If I'm not, I experience the catharsis I often feel through crying.
I'm not going through exactly what Mariah is in this song, but it still allows for some emotions to be released. Sometimes, I do get close to wanting to breakdown. I have fallen to my knees, clutching my chest, though my pain was not physical. If I put myself there, where she is, I start feeling and things rise to the surface that I need to deal with or I need to pass.
This song's construction and meaning are extremely powerful, and they are a large part of why I love it. 'Breakdown' is surely a work of genius, of deliberate work.
Roles
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Crazy?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Invisibility
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Love, Me
Sunday, May 29, 2011
An Evolution
Friday, May 27, 2011
Going to the Ladies' Room
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Colorblind
Monday, May 16, 2011
Too Much
There is an article circulating on Twitter about how, and I shit you not, 'Black women are less attractive than women of other races and Black men are more attractive.'
The real title: Why Are Black Women Rated Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women, But Black Men Are Rated Better Looking Than Other Men?
And don’t worry, that’s just a silly edit. The original title didn’t have the qualifier of ‘rated.’ So, if you have to edit a title to make it more acceptable, should you have posted it in the first place? That is not today’s message or inquiry, but it’s one that stands.
A lot of the Black women I follow were outraged, and justifiably so. They were just told by someone’s ‘research’ that they are not as attractive as other races. Really? To add insult to injury, Psychology Today is responsible for publishing the article (I sincerely hope it does not make it to print). This is not a singular thing. Kanazawa makes a lot of claims that are considered ‘research.’
Then I go on to read an article about the horrors of ‘Power Bottoming’ by a man who obviously knows a lot about gay sex. Now, don’t get me wrong, the more straight men know about gay sex, the better, because then I won’t get asked dumb ass questions. However, it *always* looks a bit suspect when someone decries something as abhorrent from a Christian perspective then gives you a detailed and bulleted list about it.
Both of these articles, and some of the responses that came out of them, are deplorable. Usually I can fight such things with an angry passion, but today, I was just sad. I was sad that some Black people made racist comments about Asian people as a result, that some Black men told the angry Black women that they should just ignore it or move on or that it reflects their self-esteem, that my sexual orientation was seen as evil and that I was told that I prefer to submit to people as a bottom and a Black gay man (yeah, go find out if that’s true or not).
I’m tired of this bullshit. I’m tired of feeling alone in wanting things to change. I’m tired of people not crossing lines to take up arms against things like this (Where are my White brothers and sisters blasting the article about Black women? Where are my Black brothers and sisters whenever my sexual orientation is called evil?). We are incredibly insular when it comes to social change, and I’m fighting within myself to not be so.
I don’t want my sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, nor any strangers, to believe that they are ‘ugly’ or ‘less attractive’ simply by virtue of their race. I don’t want anyone to grow up with the message that sex is dirty and so are gay men. I’m tired of men being able to shirk responsibility because they are men, but at the same time be called sexual beings who can only think with their dicks.
Do you not see what is wrong about all this? Stop focusing on your singular existence. That is a message to you and to me.
Friday, May 6, 2011
The (Perceived) Homogeneity of Nerd Culture
Meet Cute
Monday, May 2, 2011
Death and Rejoice
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Self-Hatred
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Implicit
Monday, April 4, 2011
ABCs of Gaming!
A – Angry Birds
B – Bayonetta
C – Chrono Trigger
D – DDRMax2
E – Elite Beat Agents
F – Final Fantasy XIII
G – Gardening Mama
H – Hercules
I – Inu Yasha: The Secret of the Cursed Mask
J – Just Dance 2
K – Kingdom Hearts
L – Legend of Mana
M – Marvel Ultimate Alliance
N – Ninja Gaiden
O – Oddworld: Abe’s Odyssey
P – Pokemon
Q - Qbert
R – Robopon
S – Super Scribblenauts
T – Tatsunoko vs Capcom
U – Unlimited Saga
V – Virtua Fighter
W – The World Ends with You
X – X-men: Mutant Academy
Y – YuGiOh! World Championship 2004
Z – Zombies Ate My Neighbors!