18

Reading one of my old journals I realize how stupid I was when I was 18. I felt a lot of dumb things and did a lot of dumb things. How could I seriously call one of the worst nights of my life "good"? It was my first time being drunk, and I did it because I was in love with someone who didn't love me back and never chose me and I had to watch it this time. I had to watch him be with someone else, dance with someone else, and leave me alone. I had to watch him hurt me over and over again and I kept letting it happen.

I've learned a lot, but sometimes I wish I hadn't. Sometimes I still wish I was a virgin; I should have waited. Sex is good; he wasn't good for me. I wonder how much more different my life would be if I had never met him. Where would I be? Would I still be as naive? The lessons that I had to learn, personally, are the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I had to grow to stop loving someone who, like I said, didn't love me back. I can't even bring myself to talk to him because in my world he hasn't changed. He still stupid and immature. And he doesn't love me...

I feel like a lot of stuff went with him when I cut him out of my life. Or he cut me out. I don't know, whatever. He's not here and that's the good thing. I just wish I didn't miss him. He's a stupid jackass and he always has been but somehow I keep betraying myself and we start talking again only for one of us to leave the other alone. It's hard to figure out what is my fault and what is his; I keep blaming him because it seems right, because if I start blaming myself for breaking my own heart I don't think I could handle it.

I was 18, emotional, and stupid. Now I'm 20, jaded, and fighting to not be so stupid. Two years can make a big difference, even if I'm still so young. Is it right to say that wasn't fair? I had to force myself to grow in those long months. And now... I'm not exactly sure what I have to show for it

/crying