Get it Together

I don't think it's 'bad' per se that I'm not posting everyday, or on schedule rather. While today's gift is a little hazy, I'm more than certain about yesterday's.

Day Three:
I'm more than thankful for the fact that we begin each new day alive and with the chance to change things. As long as we are alive, we have a chance at a new beginning. This fact, this blessing, is so beautiful. There are times when I wake up when I really do want to start over, reformat or revamp as I like to say. Like recently...

No, it wasn't an easy decision to make. It's still not an easy decision to think about. I smoked a cigarette last night, my more debaucherous behavior while "partying" (pretty softcore, huh?), and it didn't feel good. In fact, that was the most sad I can remember being in a very long time. Thank God I was surrounded by my friends. I couldn't have stayed alone last night. I would've gone crazy. I had to leave, to do something.

I keep hoping that missing him is normal. I'm okay with the idea of making a mistake, but that does not mean that I still want to make a mistake. There were a lot of factors that played into this, and I'm pretty sure I've voiced all of them. Just, going from being used to having a warm and friendly body to wake up with to no one, is jarring. Leaving a party and having no one to go home to, is upsetting. Knowing that things, even if just for a little while, have changed is too much. I can only say sorry, you know? And we'll move on. Those glasses of chardonnay with close friends, those new gyms we join, and all those fuzzy feelings that return (kudos if you know what that's from), well, they'll heal us.

Somehow my iTunes has come through and played on my emotions. It does that sometimes. Perfect playlist for this situation.

I just want you to know more than anything that this is not easy for me. I still miss you. I kinda wish things could go back to where they were, but I'm not sure if that'd be good. I want us to wake up one day and laugh because this was so much better than we even could have thought before. I'm sorry if I hurt you after today, and I think that in some ways is inevitable, unfortunately. And I'm glad you called it a 'mild' breakup, haha, that gave me a little bit of hope that maybe I didn't hurt you as much as I thought I did. I hope you're happy(er) and that you will be happy, because you need and deserve it. I stand by what I said before: watch out for yourself and stay safe, Kid, and you know what I mean. Don't guard yourself to others. The people who matter and care will notice (I can still tell, bee tee dub, when you're hiding something).

And to emphasize our love for the awkward...

We still have A LOT of shit in each others rooms.

Here's a playlist for you:
Get It Together - India.Arie
More Than Anyone - Gavin DeGraw
The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison
Where Do Broken Hearts Go? - Whitney Houston
I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
I Have Nothing - Whitney Houston
Lesson Learned - Alicia Keys
光 (Light) - Utada Hikaru
Sparks - Coldplay
It's Not Over - Daughtry
Girl - Destiny's Child
Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik
This is the Thing - Fink
The Heart of the Matter - India.Arie
Say - John Mayer
In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer
Lentil - Sia
Fast Cars - Tracy Chapman
誰かの願いが叶うころ (When Someone's Wish Comes True) - Utada Hikaru

And...

Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi

Heartbreaker

So, for Day 2:

I'm thankful for the fact that people recover from wounds, and that he's learned how to respect people, even if that means hurting them at first. Whoever said breaking up with people is easy was dead wrong. It's not easy at all, especially when the person you're breaking up with really does deserve the best, but you're not happy. When they treated you right, but you couldn't love them like they love you. To some people, this would be great. I can't lie to myself, or him, like that. One day, we'll recover. He'll stop hating me, we'll talk and be good friends.

It hurts, honestly, but to go back and repeat the same pattern is worthless, and I think we've both realized that.

The thought of being single again is a little exciting, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't, but the thought of repeating this situation is less than exhilarating. But, it was a new experience, and I learned. I just don't know where it fits in the pattern, because it's a new scheme. We'll see...

In the words of Alicia Keys
"Yes, I was burned but I call it a lesson learned
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright..."

Wherever you are right now, I really do hope you're okay.

Cheating

Well, I was suppose to report for duty for day one, but we can pretend this is it. For Lent, what I'm doing this year is giving up being ungrateful and thankless. One primary reason is that I want to enrich my life by emphasizing the positive. So, here's Day 1

Day 1:

My mother is a beautiful lady. Very beautiful. She's giving me love and support, including the type that I thought I'd never get from anyone once I came out. She's been there with me through a lot, and I'm glad that she's someone whom I can truly open up to and receive good advice from. I consider her one of the wisest people I know. For my mother, I give thanks.

Also thankful for:
The fact that I don't live in any worlds with superheroes because we'd not only have the threat of supervillains, but getting our cars smashed
The fact that I have a working car
The chance to wake up in the morning and do the things I love
Creativity

Bloom

Tulips are my favorite flower. They're beautiful and simple. No complex geometry.

I'm taking care of some that Q got me for Valentine's. I change their water every other day, but they're dying. They were closed when I got them, and I wasn't sure what would happen from there. Then, they bloomed, and I never understood the magic associated with life like that. They bloomed and opened up and reached out for something. They're still beautiful, but there's not much I can do to save them. I can keep changing the water, but the stems will still grow weaker, the petals will reach out too far. They'll wither at the leaves, then at the top of the petals, then altogether.

I don't want that to be the significance of our relationship. I don't want them to show how ephemeral all this is. It hurts and, for the while, we aren't together, but I don't want to see my relationship in the dying petals of a beautiful flower, my favorite flower.

I want us to come out of this unscathed, but I do need to be alone for a while.

A while.