Forgotten

This... Is definitely one of those posts that might get me in trouble.

Simple question: Am I being forgotten?

When I walk into a room do people notice me even if they don't say anything? When I'm around, am I wanted? Am I secretly just that jackass that no one likes but either a) doesn't get the picture or b) people don't know how to break it to? Seriously? Seriously.

I've been dealing with these questions with any group of people I've been around since... The time I finally became aware that friends aren't everyone you meet and that it's actually pretty hard to really trust people. These things swirl around in my head and I think it's getting close to obsession. Just, honestly, if you don't want me around, say it. I feel it enough as it is.

How do I bring it up? How do I say "Put me out of my misery and just tell me if you don't like me"? Just like that? No, it's not that easy; it doesn't FEEL like it's that easy. I shouldn't ever have to feel this way, but I'm not getting much reinforcement in any other direction. If you wonder why I've been in my room or I haven't been around... Call! Don't tell me when I finally resurface. There's usually a reason why I haven't been around (which unfortunately creates a cycle). I don't like forcing myself to keep quiet and be rational when I don't feel like I need to be. I'm insecure, damnit. When conversations are dry towards me, it drives me crazy and makes me think I'm doing something wrong!

I want this to just be my imagination, but that's not what I feel. This all actually seems pretty plausible. Ugh, and how pitiful is it to BLOG about something like this? I need to bring it up, but I really don't know how. This sucks.

Crocus is for foresight. Just... I need to stay ahead of the game. Proaction, not reaction.