I just finished reading The Shack. I had heard about it months ago, as it was making the rounds in various church reading groups, and quickly dismissed it as Christian fiction not worth reading. However, I was wrong. It is worth reading for many reasons and has specific and general appeal.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Perks
I just finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It's one of my favorite books. In high school, it was one of my favorites because I felt far less alone. Today, it is one of my favorites for the same reason.
I have felt alone for a very long time. It makes sense, because I am me and no one else is me, so all I have to go on are my experiences, and sometimes I'm lucky enough to be able to compare a current experience to a previous one. Other times, I'm just fucking lost. Regardless, solitude is one of the defining factors of my life. At any given moment, I am like no one else. Sometimes, this fact is highlighted by the company I keep. I don't know if that's what life is supposed to be like, if we are supposed to feel so different from others.
Charlie had a lot to deal with, and I do, too. Those things are not always something I am comfortable talking about, especially because I think that no one else will be able to understand in a way that I do. I don't think I'll ever have enough time to sit down and talk to someone about everything that goes on in my head and in my life and have them completely grasp how it makes me feel grateful and powerless all at once. The most important thing is that I don't invalidate my own feelings, nor anyone else's, because what we deal with is what we deal with; every part of our lives is unique compared to someone else's, and no one ever deals with the same problems in the exact same way.
What I got from the book is that I'm scared of a lot of things. There is so much that can happen or does happen that I just do not know how to handle. My default is to go through it alone, because you can only say so much to so many people in your address book, and I'm not typically one to talk about everything anyway, nor to unload my problems onto others (though I've recently spent time with someone who has graciously sat and listened as I told him things that are not easy to talk about with others).
Yet, that fear can keep people stagnant. I'm scared that it has kept me stagnant. But, at the end of the day, all I can do is act or not act. If I choose to act, it can come from an authentic or inauthentic place. I can't control anyone else. And, as Charlie's sister says, my attempts to control the events and people around me are only an attempt to get the outcome I desire, because I'm scared that letting things be will mean not getting what I want. If I've learned anything in the past few months, though, it's that 1) I can never be attached to any particular outcome because when I am, disappointment is sure to follow and 2) Not getting what I want can turn out to be something very great for me.
There's a lot I'd love to get off my chest, but, as I said, I'm just not sure I have the time to sit down with someone and outline everything I'm scared of. So, I try to find peace, whatever way I can, and make sure that those attempts come from a place of Love for myself (even though they sometimes don't).
The best thing I could do for myself right now and always is to act and be in an honest way. It may mean people leaving, it may mean not getting what I want, but at least I will have actively participated in my own life.
I have felt alone for a very long time. It makes sense, because I am me and no one else is me, so all I have to go on are my experiences, and sometimes I'm lucky enough to be able to compare a current experience to a previous one. Other times, I'm just fucking lost. Regardless, solitude is one of the defining factors of my life. At any given moment, I am like no one else. Sometimes, this fact is highlighted by the company I keep. I don't know if that's what life is supposed to be like, if we are supposed to feel so different from others.
Charlie had a lot to deal with, and I do, too. Those things are not always something I am comfortable talking about, especially because I think that no one else will be able to understand in a way that I do. I don't think I'll ever have enough time to sit down and talk to someone about everything that goes on in my head and in my life and have them completely grasp how it makes me feel grateful and powerless all at once. The most important thing is that I don't invalidate my own feelings, nor anyone else's, because what we deal with is what we deal with; every part of our lives is unique compared to someone else's, and no one ever deals with the same problems in the exact same way.
What I got from the book is that I'm scared of a lot of things. There is so much that can happen or does happen that I just do not know how to handle. My default is to go through it alone, because you can only say so much to so many people in your address book, and I'm not typically one to talk about everything anyway, nor to unload my problems onto others (though I've recently spent time with someone who has graciously sat and listened as I told him things that are not easy to talk about with others).
Yet, that fear can keep people stagnant. I'm scared that it has kept me stagnant. But, at the end of the day, all I can do is act or not act. If I choose to act, it can come from an authentic or inauthentic place. I can't control anyone else. And, as Charlie's sister says, my attempts to control the events and people around me are only an attempt to get the outcome I desire, because I'm scared that letting things be will mean not getting what I want. If I've learned anything in the past few months, though, it's that 1) I can never be attached to any particular outcome because when I am, disappointment is sure to follow and 2) Not getting what I want can turn out to be something very great for me.
There's a lot I'd love to get off my chest, but, as I said, I'm just not sure I have the time to sit down with someone and outline everything I'm scared of. So, I try to find peace, whatever way I can, and make sure that those attempts come from a place of Love for myself (even though they sometimes don't).
The best thing I could do for myself right now and always is to act and be in an honest way. It may mean people leaving, it may mean not getting what I want, but at least I will have actively participated in my own life.
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