Forgotten

This... Is definitely one of those posts that might get me in trouble.

Simple question: Am I being forgotten?

When I walk into a room do people notice me even if they don't say anything? When I'm around, am I wanted? Am I secretly just that jackass that no one likes but either a) doesn't get the picture or b) people don't know how to break it to? Seriously? Seriously.

I've been dealing with these questions with any group of people I've been around since... The time I finally became aware that friends aren't everyone you meet and that it's actually pretty hard to really trust people. These things swirl around in my head and I think it's getting close to obsession. Just, honestly, if you don't want me around, say it. I feel it enough as it is.

How do I bring it up? How do I say "Put me out of my misery and just tell me if you don't like me"? Just like that? No, it's not that easy; it doesn't FEEL like it's that easy. I shouldn't ever have to feel this way, but I'm not getting much reinforcement in any other direction. If you wonder why I've been in my room or I haven't been around... Call! Don't tell me when I finally resurface. There's usually a reason why I haven't been around (which unfortunately creates a cycle). I don't like forcing myself to keep quiet and be rational when I don't feel like I need to be. I'm insecure, damnit. When conversations are dry towards me, it drives me crazy and makes me think I'm doing something wrong!

I want this to just be my imagination, but that's not what I feel. This all actually seems pretty plausible. Ugh, and how pitiful is it to BLOG about something like this? I need to bring it up, but I really don't know how. This sucks.

Crocus is for foresight. Just... I need to stay ahead of the game. Proaction, not reaction.

Betrayal

Let's make this quick:

I've found that no matter what rules, standards, or guidelines you have in place for yourself. Whenever you fall for someone, no matter for how long, you find yourself betraying those rules because somehow your heart always guides you to take chances.

Where you end up is a gamble. I'm wondering the same thing about myself.



Almond Blossoms in hopes that this will go well and that God will remain watchful over me. I put it in his hands.

Reinvented

In more ways than one.

I've always known what I didn't want in a guy, never so much what I wanted until I came across someone who had qualities I didn't want (if that's not confusing). I've also always known how I wanted to meet a guy. Let's just say, the internet isn't it.

I've heard the stories about meeting a wonderful partner from True.com (a good friend of mine) and eHarmony and things like that, but in a new age of online dating, I find myself out of place. I've tried it before when I was like, 13, or something, but that was just stupid honestly. I can't knock this system for anyone else, but for me using the internet has always been out of desperation and a massive feeling of lonliness. Besides, what I've found thus far hasn't been exciting or wholesome, because I'm sure we all know you can find a lot of skeezy guys everywhere but the concentration is expotentially larger on the internet.

Going from that, I've met two guys recently (a little before Christmas) from MySpace and, while they seem cool, I'm never going to let anything happen. I'll txt (which from now on I won't) anyone, but I'm sticking to my rule of never meeting anyone over the internet. I really hope I don't ever break this rule again; I like being consistent... Every now and then. But I asked one guy if it was okay that we were txting, talking, whatever as friends because I actually like being someone's friend and getting to know them without feeling obligated to do anything more. No reply as of yet :) Honestly, this revelation was a bit late, or rather, that statement was if that's how I felt from the beginning. Now I have to tell the other guy.. Which leads me to...

Getting drunk on Friday and dancing all night and not necessarily being the best person I could be. I met this one guy (A), and I found myself instantly playing forward when I met him. He was there with my ex and his new beau (who I don't think likes me, but more on that later), and from the moment I laid eyes on him something just changed. The alcohol definitely had a part to play in that. I pulled him to someplace quieter where we talked a bit more and I asked him to kiss me. Mainly because that was seriously all I wanted that night, a kiss, a good one, a make-out sesh! I don't know how I ended up being so entranced, but I want to see him again. It's nice to feel like that, but so fast? At least he's the first guy I played forward with and found good results (I think?).

But, the downside of that night is what I feel is one of the worst things I've ever done to anyone else. I kissed another guy (B), first on the cheek, then on the lips, but in that drunk way. I honestly tried to kiss him as more than that drunk way, but I found myself bouncing between people that night. His friends were talking to me (I knew one of them) and I heard one say "He's cute", definitely indicative of someone's interest in me and his friend's approval. Well, then I met A. Needless to say, huddled in a dim corner talking with him did not go over well with B. He kinda looked upset. I've felt guilty about it since it happened. That was a really shitty thing to do to someone, drunk or not, and it makes me feel horrible.

I find that hurting people is something that ordinary people do, so I try to be extraordinary. But it's hard to consider myself extraordinary when I do things that ordinary people do, such as hurt people, whether by telling them I want to be their friend when the conversations, even devoid of topics like sex and meeting people, clearly imply more, or by kissing one guy and making out with another moments later. Part of me says not to feel guilty, the other part says what I did was shitty and I should never do it again and seriously think about how I interact with people. Life lessons can be stressful.

Asphodel - regret. Let's leave it at that.

Clear the Area

In this room, in this silence broken only by Imogen Heap, I find so many things:

The oppression that bears down on me in a darkening room, until I break the shadows with annoying florescent lighting. All I have is music, literature, art, and sexual deviance in the form of porn (my jaded emotional release, if that makes sense). The tv's off for once and I find my existence... Prolonged maybe? No, stretched taut. The absence of visual moving media works its wonders on a mind full of images and quotes.

I realize why I am in this pretentious and soul-seeking, maybe not in the sense of spirituality and/or religiousness, institution known as the Honors College. Somehow, in this Black mind, I embody the values and the goals of this organization. Or maybe, I'm the subject of the ideal of Affirmative Action, one of the few African Americans who applied. Maybe I'm qualified; who knows. It's a question I don't see worth in asking. Would I leave to prove a point or would I stay to perpetuate an innately racist system?

I find myself in bits of anguish, tired expression of thought. Who am I?

I've decided to write down my thoughts. Do I have a brilliant mind, or is my naivete really under the guise of intelligence?

Bittersweet for the truth I represent. I'll end it here.