My Issues with New Avengers

1). Spider-Man and Wolverine: Why do Wolverine and Spider-Man get dual membership in New and the main Avengers? Are they that important? I made the comment that Spider-Man isn't cool. I said that out of anger and I wish Peter Parker was real so I could apologize in person. However, he is not. I don't like him and Wolverine on any Avengers team. I do not like change. To me, there is something about them that is better served in a solo series (Spidey) and with the X-Men (Wolvie). I feel like they are only on the team to generate money because they are popular Marvel characters.

2) Carol has been B-Listed: Again. She deserves a solo title. She deserves to be on the Avengers team. I feel as though she has proved herself and she tried HARD to reinvent herself after House of M. She's also a good and capable leader. So, why is she constantly treated as second in command? Do the other Avengers doubt her that much?

3) The death of Doctor Voodoo: I actually found this a bit disrespectful. A Black man is Sorcerer Supreme, one of the most important parts of the Marvel universe. And (spoiler alert) he just died. Really? People actually DO get upset when prominent minority (sexual orientation, gender, race) characters get killed.

4) The story: Eh. Kinda weak. It didn't draw me in. It was a little confusing and I'm still not sure what happened (the lackluster ending does not help).

5) Issue 6's banner: ONE OF THESE AVENGERS WILL DIE! Just not a fan of this type of teaser.

6) Carol: I'm totally a Carol Danvers fanboy. I cannot lie. But imagine if SHE had tested her mettle in that mystical battle? Or anyone but Wolverine for that matter. I think it would have shown so much more resolve if she, Bobbi, Luke or Jessica had fought the battle. It would have shown so much more character and strength if one of these characters had fought. But no, Wolverine fought the freaking battle.

I know I got all rant-y, but the last issue had me a little upset. I'm leaving myself open to a bit of criticism, and I feel I must be prepared for any comments that may arise. I just wish this title was better, though I don't know what better means :/

Prologue - NaNoWriMo

On a whim, I decided to do NaNoWriMo. I think it'll be fun :) Here's the prologue to my story! Tentative title is: Struck. I sincerely hope it's not as sucky as I feel it is.

Prologue

I always considered our world to be “normal.” There is a reason that superheroes don’t exist. There is a reason that all of my fantasies about being a superhero won’t come true. There are times when I’m so lost in them, I can feel the power surges. I can feel the rush of adrenaline when I think of saving the world or fighting a random villain causing mass chaos in my general vicinity. However, my fantasy stops. I am still in the real world. I’m not going to get superpowers.

So, watching the news with my boyfriend, I never expected this day to come. There had been news of a meteor potentially crashing down to earth. What did I think? Was my life going to be all Deep Impact or something? No. As far as I know, the meteor is going to land somewhere in Africa. Yes, it is the motherland, but I’m not particularly concerned about the crash site. Maybe there was a tribe living there; maybe animals; maybe an expanse of wilderness. However, I am too disconnected to use any of my empathy or sympathy to care.

We brace ourselves, as little as we need to, for the impact. We don’t know what is going to happen, whether or not the meteor would or could trigger an extinction event. Scientists proposed that the meteor large enough to do damage to the earth where it landed, or was supposed to land. If it happened to land in the ocean, well, crisis averted. It would create minor tidal waves.

So, as we sit on the couch on this boring Thursday night watching “Meteor 2011,” I wonder what change, if any will come. How exactly is my life going to be affected by this? As the meteor grows closer to the atmosphere, a slight apprehension grows in my body. I feel more and more tense as the celestial body gets closer. There are cameras from satellites in space, news crews near the projected site of impact.

“Are you okay?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah?” I wasn’t sure why he was asking that question.

“Well, you don’t really look like you are.”

“Oh.” I must have been grimacing. I straighten my expression. The more we watch the meteor coverage, the more tension I feel, like something was constricting my body. And, when the meteor finally strikes the atmosphere, my eyes fly open. It feels like a shockwave. My ears are ringing and I can feel myself let out a scream, but I can’t hear it or Jamie frantically trying to figure out what’s wrong. I fall to the ground, holding my head. I almost miss the meteor splitting off into five parts. The reporters are speechless for a moment, gathering what to say before reporting what is happening

Between the pain and the awe at the meteorites, I don’t know what to do with myself. However, my body does: everything goes black. I awake less than an hour later, feeling fine. Jamie greets me with a glass of water, an expression of mixed relief and worry on his face. He tells me where the meteors landed; there was coverage from all over the globe. One in Antarctica, Africa, America, Japan, and Turkey.

McCanceGate

I do not consider this a victory. For one small man from a small town from Arkansas, almost the butthole of Ameria, to be lambasted and eventually resign from his post is no big feat. I don't know if he should have been fired. I don't know if he should have resigned. I do know that what he said was deplorable and the outcry that followed is what he deserved. Though I know the inevitable anxiety that would await me, I'd want someone to correct me if I said something offensive, too. But him no longer being part of the school board is not something I think is a big win.

Yes, this whole event shows that we won't put up with people saying things like that anymore. But now, those people who do and say hateful things will step away from the spotlight and therefore away from scrutiny. They will continue to talk this way and teach their children the same hateful things from the privacy of their homes. Where, then, is our victory?

What about Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Pat Roberson who get away with saying hateful and misinformed things all the time? Where is their fall? Where is our victory in our battle with big captains, not lonely privates? Why are they still able to disseminate all that they do to awaiting audiences?

I don't like supporting small causes that I feel don't get anything done. I won't boycott Target because the company gives money to an anti-gay legislator. Why? I don't think it solves our problem. We sure as hell aren't showing Target who's boss because Target is still boss. I feel like we fight so many futile battles for the sake of rights. I want to marry my boyfriend one day. I want to adopt kids. I don't want to be discriminated against because I am black and gay. Now, how the hell does taking down Clint McCance solve ANY of those problems for me? I don't believe his apology was genuine. I feel like he dodged questions. And he resigned. So what? He's probably just as bitter as ever about this whole situation. I saw a commentor write that he still owns small businesses and that McCance should be begging on the street for money. How far do we have to go and are we willing to go to get our rights and recognition?

I wish, like many other LGBTQQA individuals, that I could revel in this and believe that a change is coming. But, I don't. I don't consider this a victory. There is far, far too much work left to do.

And how am I going to be part of the Dream that Martin Luther King, Jr. had? How am I going to be part of the solution?

Ex-Gay

There are many reasons that even the term ex-gay can rile me up, independent of the ideologies and beliefs that are behind it. First, I believe that sexuality is fluid, but I also believe that it has a core. We identify ourselves as a certain sexual orientation because it helps categorize us, but also because we find that the words heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual ring true to us (please forgive me for the circular logic).

However, I also hate the term ex-gay and all things that pertain to it because I feel like it is an invalidation of an identity that I did not want in any way, shape, form or fashion but that I now like and want to love. It entails change from sexual orientation. Where was that 7 years ago when I was scared to even mention the word gay to my friends and family for fear that I would lose absolutely everything? I often ask myself, 'If people find change so possible, then where is my change? Why did God not answer my prayers to make me straight?' I prayed hard for a while that I would change, that I would be 'normal'. No one should ever have to do that. No one should ever feel like they need to change in order to be loved.

There really are times that I don't understand my own feelings. I could not classify myself as 100% homosexual. I have no desire to carry on a sexual relationship with a woman, but there's that tiny thought that, like when I was 14 and 15, things could change, that I would have to re-establish myself one more time and let go of someone I cherish so much, even if being straight made my life easier.

I don't believe that people can change their sexuality. They can change their behavior, but not who they are. With that said, I also don't believe it's right to stand in the way of someone who wants to change their sexuality. That is their choice. If they are happy later in life because of trying to change, then I think it's worth it for them. However, it is not worth it for me. I don't believe the bunk that I cannot be fundamentally happy because I'm gay and because I'm deluding myself. I've battled with the idea that my life isn't whole and isn't complete because I haven't devoted it to God and because I'm gay. I still fight with it. But I know myself, and enough of psychology, to know that I don't have to beat myself up for being gay and wanting, for once and finally, to be gay and love who I am.

Ms. Marvel: Binaries

Eh, it's a tentative title, but one I would possibly use for a Ms. Marvel video game. To me, Carol Danvers is THE leading lady of Marvel. I love and adore her and I believe she deserves her time in the spotlight.

About three years ago, I played Marvel Ultimate Alliance for the first time and discovered a new character. "Who the hell is Ms. Marvel?" I tried her out anyway and found out I LOVE her. Her power and skill sets were what I'd wish for (save for any psychic abilities). The more research I did, the more I found I liked her. Over the years I've asked myself "Why is Carol often B-Listed? Why is she on the back burner?" Though this is not a post about feminism or the lack of strong female representation as compared to male in mainstream comics, I do think that it is an issue.

To get to the matter at hand, if I designed a Ms. Marvel video game, I'd more than likely make it a side-scrolling beat-em-up game. I miss the format and think it would be cool to bring it back. I imagine Carol doing a pre-stage pose or something like a quick one-liner or walking onto the screen in her civvies and then quickly changing into her costume. I also imagine using instrumentals from Kylie Minogue's music as background music.

That's basically all I have. I don't have a story lined up, though I'd probably make a villain specifically for the game. But given the chance, I would love to design/make a Ms. Marvel video game. She deserves it.

Offensive

So, we have another instance of what some people call homophobia. I'm sure people may not agree with me on what I'm about to say, and from what I've searched, only a couple (seriously) of people are on my side. What I consider my vocal opposition is winning out.

Michael Catherwood of E! made a remark about Adam Lambert in response to potential battery charges for Mr. Lambert in regards to a "run-in" with a paparazzo, stating, "From what I know about jail, Mr. Lambert probably wouldn't have too bad a time." I thought it was funny. Lambert responded by calling out Catherwood and fans responded by alerting GLAAD. Catherwood then made an apology via Twitter. Now if this turns out like a certain celebrity star's fiasco (Hello, Ryan Leslie!), then I'll quickly label Catherwood a raging douche. But, as it stands, he made a joke. If he needs to issue an apology, Daniel Tosh (whom I also love) may need to be sued.

Now, I would like to say before I go shower for talking about minor celebrity gossip (yes, I do feel dirty, but that may be the post-workout talking), I'm not for defending Catherwood. I am, however, for calling out organizations like GLAAD (whom I actually do appreciate for most of their work) and people like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton (...let's not get started) for constantly crying racism or homophobia. They seem to not exercise much discretion in picking their battles. Catherwood is an easy target. How about we hit Christine O'Donnell for calling homosexuality an "Identity Disorder" or Fred Phelps in freaking general.

I am a firm believer that constantly calling homophobia, racism, or sexism isn't making people more aware, nor helping us progress as a society. In fact, I think it pushes us back. Yes, we need to be aware of insensitivity, but we don't always need to make an outcry or force people to make apologies. I also don't like that Adam Lambert's fans jumped on a bandwagon to support him; I don't feel like the fans are necessarily supporting gay rights. If Justin Bieber or the Jonas Brothers were insulted, a lot of fans would do the same because they are fans, not to act in the welfare of someone else who might have been insulted or disrespected as a result.

I don't know why I feel so passionate (or possibly obsessed) about this issue, but it raises some concerns. Let's teach our children NOT to act this way or make insensitive comments instead of crying foul when the slightest thing happened. We have bigger and better targets to pursue; to me, these little battles mean nothing. Score one for gay rights? No. Score publicity for Adam Lambert, E! and Michael Catherwood? Definitely.

Also, I don't like Adam Lambert, so I am biased, but I'd stand my ground if the issue involved anyone else (John Mayer didn't offend me when he said the n-word; I just thought it was fucking stupid).

Let's pick our battles. There are such things as institutionalized and/or covert racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. Crying foul isn't going to teach people what these things are; it will only polarize them. Teaching people to be more accepting and aware without making people issue half-hearted apologies is.

Batman and Adlerian Psychology

I'd LOVE to do this as a longer and in-depth analysis, but here's Batman at a glance through Adlerian psychology:

Batman is one of the most recognizable superheroes today, but many may not know that he has issues with emotional distance and trust. He keeps himself preoccupied with fighting and solving crimes (self-absorption), but keeps himself at a distance from others. What is interesting about Batman is that he uses his striving for superiority to save Gotham City and the world at large. He also can be said to have a high level of social interest (he works to save others, he has taken many wards under his wing and supported them, he refuses to kill). He seems to be unaffected by his status as an only child and a very wealthy man. However, his trust issues still stand.

Batman’s main struggles come in the form of mistrusting others, including those whom he should logically trust, problems with intimacy, and secrecy. A major theme of Batman’s behavior comes from Adler’s idea of compensation: When he was young, he lost his parents to a gunman whose identity he did not know for many years. This event had a major effect on his desire to help others because he felt as though he could not help himself or his parents when they died. Interestingly, Batman does not show more of the maladaptive aspects of having a pampered lifestyle as an only child; he uses the events that had transpired in his life to save others. He already has prosocial goals, but these goals are simultaneously self-absorbing. The issues of trust may have developed after years of fighting crime, making Batman fearful of revealing his identity to others as a means to exploit him (Jezebel Jet) or harm those he loves. These issues have interfered in his relationship with Selina Kyle (Catwoman) and other superheroes, including an incident where he created “contingency files” in the case that any of his fellow members of the Justice League went rogue.

The first step in helping Batman overcome his trust and intimacy issues is to do a lifestyle analysis to see if he has any cognitive mistakes. I can imagine that one mistake would be his holding most people at a distance (save for a small number). It may also be helpful to try the “as if” or “push button” technique. He can act “as if” he is a trusting individual when it comes to relationships with other women, though I could imagine he may be resistant to such a technique. He can also “push the button” on feelings of trust he has for people like Dick Grayson (Nightwing), Alfred, or Commissioner Gordon. He has been let down by many people in his life, and Jezebel Jet provides an unfortunate example as to why he may not trust some love interests. Batman may take a more in-depth analysis as to what techniques may help him the most. In the meantime, these may be a good first step.

Introspection v. 1.0

Not sure if this is going to be a regular thing, but I think it'd be cool, whether on here or in a written journal (my Goal Book is the current home). Anywho, I took some time to just think. That's it. Think. I needed it. I needed to get some things off my chest, whether or not it was to someone else.

After the break-up, my self-esteem and self-worth took a great hit. I didn't even realize it until recently. When I see an attractive guy, I go "Ooooh damn..." then I go "He'd never want me..." Of course, pining after straight men doesn't help, but I won't talk to anyone. Not because I'm a wimp, but because I don't think anyone will take me. I almost feel like no one wants me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worth the love. But why? My self-worth is not contingent upon a man's love or attention. I know this. So why am I not acting like it? Why am I not taking charge of my life, my love life? There is also the issue of auto-sabotage. I feel like anything I start is destined to fail because I will make it fail. I will find the smallest doubt, the smallest insecurity, and magnify it 'til where I can't deal with it anymore. My standards have been impossibly high, even though I'm looking like nobody's business. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I love being alone. I hate being lonely. The catch is that I'll search and search but knock people off my list. I don't want to be lonely, but I'm not willing to find the next random guy to make me feel whole. I refuse to let anyone in my life that isn't up to my (impossibly high) standards.

Other than that, I realized just how much things have changed for Z and I. I'm at a much more comfortable place with the whole situation. Of course our end was amicable. Sad, but amicable. Last night we talked for a bit and it was nice, but I see where we both are headed as people. We aren't going to be best friends. We aren't going to share every detail of our lives. We'll just be friends. It's weird to think about, but it also gives me a sense of resolution. I think that chapter's just about done, if not over, and now I feel like any decisions I've made regarding it.... They stand. No more uncertainty.

So, with all that being said...

Until Further Notice,

Allen

There's a Reason

I knew there was a reason I changed the name of this blog. It was previously "Auriel's Kataomoi" or Auriel's Unrequited Love (kataomoi = unrequited love in Japanese). Auriel was to be my pen name, but that is neither here nor there (I've been saying that a lot lately). But I wanted to turn away from that. I basically said to myself, "Quit being so damn emo." But that was it, I started this blog to talk about unreciprocated, unrequited love. I needed some place to go, because I don't talk to people, not about this. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn't go sleep with someone else (I know you know that reference).

But I changed the name to "Until Further Notice" because that statement has a lot of use. Until further notice, I may not be okay. I am not whole, though I endeavor to be. I am looking for love, though I am most assuredly not finding it (and possibly pushing it away: to be discussed in the next post). Until further notice, until I let you know something changed, this is the state of my world.

I like this blog as an outlet. Yeah, I kinda do it for attention because I like attention and LOVE when people comment. But I also do it because there are a lot of things swirling in my head that I want to get out there and I don't know who to talk to about them. Those things range from politics to love to loneliness (next post) to religion and a wide variety of things.

There is a reason I do a lot of things. I wish I could say I pride myself on knowing my exact reasons, but I am no where near that congruent, though I am working on it. So...

Until Further Notice,

Allen

Gay and Republican: Maybe Not So Hypocritical

When we hear about gay Republicans, there is the collective GASP. We say, "How can you be gay and conservative?" "Do you care about your own rights?" "You can't be gay and Republican." And I'm just not so sure these statements are all in the right area.

I call myself a liberal because I support liberal social politics. I am pro-choice; I support gay-marriage and adoption. But what about economics? The environment? Education? I don't know what it means to be either liberal OR conservative about those issues. I just know where I stand on them, with economics to a lesser degree. When we call someone conservative or liberal, I think we just stop at the social meaning which often gravitates around the question "Do you like gay people and support gay rights?" A yes will elicit "Well, you must be a liberal," and a no will elicit "You fucking conservative."

Maybe we aren't giving gay republicans their due. Just because they are Republican or consider themselves conservative may not mean that they don't support gay rights. In the media we often see the polarized versions of Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberal. They are either one or the other and very strongly so. However, I'm sure we've all met a Republican who actually supported gay marriage or a Democrat who didn't. What does it take to be considered one or the other? Must you be either in every possible way, or can you have more moderate, and even some opposite leaning, views?

I recently read about a gay Republican conference with the one and only Anne Fucking Coulter as a speaker. Now, I always thought she hated the gays. Why is she speaking at a gay conference? That's a story for another day. I read up on these particular Republicans and found that while they use that label, they are also in support of gay marriage. It was a shock; I always found gay and Republican/conservative to be mutually exclusive. That was my turning point.

I think we are being shortsighted when we assume that all conservatives hate gay people and don't support gay marriage and that gay people can't hold conservative views. We see what a certain conservatism looks like in the supporters of Prop 8, who use hollow arguments to support their claims. But what about others? What about liberals or Democrats (a lot of people see them as one in the same for some reason) who actually don't support gay marriage? What about clearly outspoken conservatives like Elizabeth Hasselbeck who actually do (trust me, I was just as surprised as you are)? Why do we keep putting people in boxes and only assigning them the most naive, idealistic qualities or the worth and most negative qualities?

People exist on a spectrum. Their views lie on a political or ideological spectrum. Gays can be Republicans just like they are most often assumed to be Democrats or liberals. I know where I stand. It's time I and others recognized that just because we are gay does not mean we all have the same views.

My Hands

This summer has been full of things for me. Inside the mediocrity that is working and living I have read many books, made a list of goals to accomplish for the moment and in the next year, drank, taken bubble baths, ended a relationship, pondered new ones, beaten a video game and gotten closer to people whom I've always wanted to build a relationship with.

The game I beat, Final Fantasy XIII, was beautiful, but that is a story for another day (which I should actually do). The end theme, "My Hands" by Leona Lewis, is both beautiful and inspiring. I listened to it non-stop after I beat the game because, at that point, it was an anthem and a testament to getting up and moving, even when you don't want to, even after so long. After Z and I broke up, it became my anthem, my manifesto. Even when I didn't feel like getting up and going about my day, I'd do it. When I had moments that made me feel so weak I wanted to drop to the floor and scream, I didn't. I kept moving. I had to force myself to keep going. Melodrama aside, the song really did keep me going.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't made my bed in the morning (or when I finally decide to get up). I eat breakfast every day. I've started to floss AND brush my teeth at night (no comment...). In short, though My Hands would love to be held again, especially by someone whom I cared so deeply about, I know they may not be for a while. And that is okay. My world is feeling warm again. I can feel the winter melting away into my new spring.

The song also has a sense of resolution, even in its words of uncertainty and longing for a past love. My summer has the same feeling. My life is reaching a point of closure, the end of a chapter to usher in the next one. So many things will change, even in the next month, and I am getting ready to face them. I will enter a new chapter in my life.

Here's the song (with the nifty FFXIII logo :D)

Let It Out - Deux

Here is the PV to "Let It Out" by Miho Fukuhara. I'll let the song do the talking.

Gay

Today, I cried for all the people I know and for the many I don't know who have suffered some kind of injustice or unkindness because they were gay, whether from their parents, friends, government or even complete strangers. Today, I also cried because I am lucky.

I didn't get bullied in high school; I was off the radar. My mom didn't, and still may not, like that I'm gay, but she loves and supports me regardless. There is not a day that I am not thankful for all she has done for me. I haven't lost any friends because I'm gay, and, for the most part, I've had better relationships than worse. I was and am lucky. I don't deal with the same struggles as my brothers and sisters in some nations in Africa or the Middle East, where they could very well forfeit their lives for love of someone of the same sex. I've never been kicked out or abused because I am gay. I am lucky. I am loved. And so is everyone else. So should they be.

There isn't much I can do from this point and position in life besides offer my support. For anyone who has been subject to homophobia or abuse, I am so sorry. I don't think anyone should ever have to endure that just because they like or love someone of the same sex or a different race, religion, ethnicity, etc. But, even if our music and our movies constantly talk of love, our world is not one as full of love as it is of hate and despair. You know what, though? It so could be.

We could create a world where EVERYONE was loved, where we all coexisted and no one had rights taken away except for those who seek to take the rights from others (I'm looking at you, Prop 8 supporters). Being gay would be no different from being straight. Being black, asian, white, hispanic, middle eastern, european, latin would be no different from each other. In fact, none of these things are essentially different (we simply are one, maybe even more, of these things) besides some physical representation, but we treat them as wholly different and unequal.

I've thought of becoming a counselor for gay and lesbian people, adolescents and adults alike. That way, I can leave my mark and change lives in a way that I believe I was made for. I may end up pursuing this endeavor.

Until then, we must all, gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, and questioning, keep our heads high. The world won't be like this forever. We were chosen to exist here and now for a reason. If not, then I offer an apology for each of your struggles.

Color

One: I really love one word titles, even if they do seem pretentious at times.

Two: The paradox of the word pretentious is that you have to be pretentious to even use it.

Three: I actually am going to write about something substantial.

Anyway, as you may or may not know, I am currently living in an apartment. It is a lovely experience, except for losing $300 more dollars every month. Said apartment complex has a pool that my roomie and I visit at least once a week. In going to the pool I have gotten much more sun than usual and have become darker. I'm not like black black, but I am considerably more brown than I used to be. Every time I come in from the pool I look darker, much darker by my own perception, though this wears off after a while. I like getting sun but I don't want to be dark. For some reason, I equate dark with bad. Why?

I'm not attracted to dark-skinned men. It's just not my thing. I think part of this stems from the stigma among the black community that the darker you are, the worse off you are. I've mentioned before the concept of being marked (at least I think I have). By being anything other than white and straight and male, you're automatically marked, but the more you differ from others the worse your mark. Long ago, dark skinned people probably had it worse than their lighter compatriots. I think that stigma carries.

Light skinned people are more often viewed as beautiful. You don't want to be dark. So, when I looked down at my skin yesterday and realized that I am still that wonderful caramel color, just a bit darker, I was relieved. I had to stop and think, though, about my aversion to becoming darker. I feel like I won't have as great a chance as finding a guy (it really sucks when someone tells you that he's 'not into black guys,' even if he's completely honest). My skin color shouldn't be an issue. I don't find a lot of Asian men attractive (except Harry Shum, Jr.), but I'm never going to tell an Asian man I won't date him because 'I'm not into Asian men.' I don't know if this is sugarcoating (okay, it is), but I will say, 'No,' and it should be as simple as that.

I love my skin color and always have. Any darkening of the skin won't be (too) permanent, so I shouldn't worry. But I should never have to worry that people will see me differently if I am darker, and I should never treat someone differently because my skin is lighter or darker than theirs. Our skin color should never be a determinate in those we find attractive or of how we treat others.

Yet, why do we still even worry about that?

Attendance

I'm going to go on the record and say that I do not think it necessary, at all, for one to attend church to be saved or receive or even seek salvation. Yes, I think it helps, but I don't believe it's necessary. My parents and many others will disagree, I know, but I've thought this for a long time.

I appreciate the fact that my mother eventually gave me the choice of whether or not to go to church. It is a freedom I would not have had in my father's home. I know it would make her happy to see me go every Sunday, but she also knows that I may not be happy there. This isn't an issue of sexual orientation for me, like many people believe it is, though it may have started as one. As I got older, I began to realize that I'd rather spend my Sunday in bed watching cartoons, not going to a church service where I felt my and other's actions were mechanical, that I did everything because everyone else did. I didn't ever feel the need to raise my hands to God except to do what everyone else did. I don't think tithing is the way to prosperity. I believe in God and I am growing comfortable with him, but I think he and I both know that I am more comfortable outside of church.

I have had some good experiences there. I have also had some pretty damn boring experiences (church and calculus both make for a good nap; Sorry, God). And not going to church fits right in line with no desire to go and a desire to do nothing. What I don't get though, is the pressure to go. My parents say it is necessary to fellowship. When I get an inkling to go, is that God speaking to me? Am I ignoring his will? Am I being to comfortable not going? I am open to going in the future, but only if I so choose. It's not wrong for me to believe differently or have a faith that isn't the same as others, so why do I feel like my faith absolutely must be the same?

I don't intend to have my father's faith, though that's what he keeps impressing on me. His way is the right way because he believes he's on the right path. There is no room for deviation. There is only damnation awaiting me. I don't subscribe to that. I do, however, believe that my own personal faith is private. It is not something I intend to share. I will discuss and contemplate with others the nature of faith, God, religion, spirituality and things of the like. I won't, however, share, or even be able to share, the most intimate and innermost parts of my personal belief system. I wake up in the morning and pray for guidance, strength, forgiveness, and protection for myself and everyone else in this world. I am becoming truly happy. To me, this is perfect. I hate to break tradition or be the spiritual (not religious) black sheep of my family, but that's where I feel at home.

I just wish others could see that.

Let It Out

I'm not going to give you a real blog post. At least, I don't think I am right now. Anyway, here are the lyrics to my newest favorite song. They speak volumes.

Let It Out - Miho Fukuhara

Let it all out, Let it all out
強がらなくていいんだね
誰かが描いてった　壁の落書きの花が　揺れる

自分らしさなんて　誰もわからないよ
長い長い道の途中で　失くしたり拾ったり
急に寂しくなって　泣いちゃう日もあるけど

涙も　痛みも　星に変えよう
明日を照らす　灯りをともそう
小さく迷っても　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を探そう

Let it all out, Let it all out
足りないことだらけだよね
足りなくていいんだね　だから君と出会えたんだ

「確か」が何なのか　それが知りたくて
小さなナイフを靴下に隠してた
強がってついた　嘘の方がずっと痛かった

本当は　恐いよ　だけど生きてく
笑顔の君を風が撫でてく
小さな手かざして　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を探そう

正しいことが間違ってたら　どうすればいい?
悲しいことが正しかったら　受け入れるだけ?
失くしたと思ってた　でも君が知ってた
君がいて　本当によかった

涙も　痛みも　星に変えよう
明日を照らす　灯りをともそう
小さな手かざして　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を

さよなら　いつかは来るかもしれない
季節はそれでも巡り巡ってく
小さく迷っても　歩いてく
君と歩いてく　それだけは変わらないでいようね

Translation:

Let it all out, let it all out You don't have to act so brave The flowers that somebody scribbled on the wall are swaying Nobody knows what makes them unique We both lose and gain By embarking on this long, long path And though there may be days Loneliness strikes and makes us weep Let's turn our tears and pain into stars We'll light a candle to illuminate our tomorrow Even if we get a little lost, together we'll make stardust We'll search for the eternity that shines so brightly Let it all out, let it all out There's a lot of things you lack, aren't there? But it's okay you aren't perfect That's how I met you in the first place You wanted to know what exactly what tomorrow was You had a little knife hidden in your sock But putting on a brave face and telling the lie Hurt so much more I know that you might be scared But you'll keep moving forward The meaning behind your smile is playing in the wind Let's hold up our little hands And together we'll make stardust We'll search for the eternity that shines so brightly What should we do if what we thought was right Turns out to be wrong? We can only accept that some truths will cause us sorrow I thought I had lost everything But only you know it's not like that I'm so thankful that you're here with me Let's turn our tears and pain into stars We'll light a candle to illuminate our tomorrow Let's hold up our little hands And together we'll make stardust For an eternity that shines so brightly There may come a day when we have to say goodbye Yet the seasons continue to change obliviously Even if I lose myself, I'll continue to walk Walk by your side That's one thing I'd like to never change

Anything Can Change

I cling to the belief that any new person can meet you around any corner, whether he is good or bad. With each new breeze, choice, decision, or moment you can meet someone who will change you life. I use this belief to search for my soulmate, though it is not one of my more healthy beliefs.

It isn't easy to come to terms with feelings of loneliness, let alone make them go away in a healthy manner. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm constantly searching, on the hunt for someone who will make my life just a little bit more worthwhile. The kicker is that, while I feel this is an unhealthy and obsessive behavior, I'm not stupid enough just to jump in bed with any random person to make the loneliness go away. I know what will and won't make me happy. So, the damage is two-fold: I make unhealthy obsessions with likely partners but am not willing to just go along with whatever is thrown my way.

Yes, I believe that anything can change. However, I can also change. I can be happy watching my favorite movies alone or with my roommate or with friends and NOT looking for booty, in simple and almost crude terms. Waiting is worthwhile, it's just also unpleasant. I wish I could take my mind off of it, but it's not easy.

So, what I'm going to do is revel in the feelings I have right now: Of being alone, not lonely, and resting, relaxing, and crying when the best parts of this movie come on.

Strangers

I just watched New York, I Love You, which, to me, is every bit as beautiful as its predecessor, Paris, Je T'aime. It is a film with a different story for each scene, except this time there were interludes showing the connections between different characters. It is a movie about the interconnectedness of our lives, even in a city as large as New York City.

It made me think: How much of my life is an interlude?

What parts of my life exist as the waiting rooms for the major chapters in my life thus far? Where is there a beautiful lull, a chance to set up the next meetings and interactions? Where do I connect with others whom I don't know, but could know? Where do our stories intercede and branch off into two, or more, separate lives, adventures, or even tragedies?

One thing The Velvet Rage mentioned was that we shouldn't let our sexual appetites dictate whom we choose to talk to or associate with? If we are only talking and making (futile) connections with those whom we are attracted to, we miss out on so much. I could miss my next closest friend or most bitter enemie. A lover or a hater. Despite what poles the people we could meet occupy, our interactions with them are no less beautiful. As Kahlil Gibran says in "On Pain:"

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

I think that can apply to people as well. If we can "keep [our] hearts in wonder," those who dislike us, or whom we dislike, may not be any less wondrous than the people we love, for they help define our lives just as those who love us do.

So, I want to meet a stranger. Maybe to love, maybe just to talk. I want to feel the beauty of life's intersections, of the avenues through which we meet people who impact our lives in a variety of ways.

Rage

I am reading Dr. Alan Downs' The Velvet Rage for the second time in my life. It is full of insight and revelations for me. It is a quick read and I love what I am learning about myself and my life and how I can change it for the better.

It talks about how to live and cope with being in our world as a gay man. It talks of our difficulties in relationships, how we deal with shame, the fact that we may have shame in the first place, and how to move toward a truly authentic life. I loved it the first time, but I am learning so much more this time. Of the hallmark lessons is that sometimes the pain you experience from interaction with others isn't your fault. Not to say that it is theirs, but definitely to say that you are not to blame.

Sometimes I wonder, know, and wonder again whether I am still dealing with emotional pain from previous relationships. Sometimes the thought of those people fills me with anger, even if I am unable to recall all of the things they said or did. But, it was still refreshing to read that it wasn't my fault. I was not to blame. But, also, that the pain I experienced with them may have been a result of pain they had gone through as well. I'm not relegating my reactions or anything I did to those people. I am fully responsible for those. However, I am saying, and practically refusing, to carry around those wounds forever. Maybe this is my first step at closing those wounds, maybe I have taken the steps before, or maybe I have yet to make such a bold move.

Another thing that sticks out to me, though, is whether or not I have perpetuated any cycles of distress, pain, or invalidation as a result of my own experiences. No, they were not life-ending, threatening, or challenging, but they sure as hell did suck, and they are all I can draw from as far as any kind of psychological trauma is concerned. Still, I do not want to be the agent of pain for someone else at all and especially not because of pain that I had gone through in the past.

So, to someone I know will read this maybe as soon as I post it, maybe in a matter of days, weeks, months, or whatever period of time: I hope that you did not have to suffer because I had been hurt before. I hope that our relationship did not create scars that you will have to live with forever, or for any moment in time. I hope that this post isn't setting you back emotionally or creating any distress. If so, I will gladly take it down and keep it in the private recesses of my mind. Even if we did not work out, we should not have to carry around the pain or invalidation of others. You should never have to be suspicious of another person or relationship because of anything I did, and I truly hope this is not the case. Now is the time for both of us to heal; there should be no deep scars or biting truths. You are, were, and will be a wonderful person, one that needs to and will grow, just the same as me. You can consider this an apology, reconciliation, promise, an urging for you to grow, live long and prosper, and ultimately to heal. There are lessons to be learned and love for ourselves and for others we meet in the future to grow.

We must live truly authentic lives to be happy. Sometimes this means glamour and money, other times it means tranquility and solitude. I want to enhance this process in people's lives, not hinder it. I am going to try my best to make sure that the men that romantically enter my life do not have to suffer any scars at my hands, and I pray to God that no one has by this point. I refuse to be content with the way things were if it has caused someone pain, and will help facilitate healing in any way possible, but I also refuse to let the pain of others interfere with my own healing and acceptance of myself if it does not need to.

Dating Myself

Yes, it does sound a bit... Off. But I'm interested in the concept.

I once read in a book, Finding the Perfect Boyfriend, that we should go on dates with our inner boyfriend. It's okay to go out to dinner, to the movies, or stay at home and have a nice romantic date with him. Of course, he is you and you are him and you're both one nice little complete puzzle. He is your key to understanding how to love and appreciate yourself, to being alone, but also to taking steps toward truly loving someone else. You're alone to everyone who can physically see you, but on the inside you're getting in touch with someone and something that may just allow you to have a more fulfilling intrapersonal and interpersonal life.

No, I'm not exactly reeling from my recent breakup, but it has been an event that other events in my life are drawing from. I'm adjusting to being single, not having as many rules, sleeping alone, and just being alone in general. I don't think I've completely learned how to love myself, so every breakup thus far is a reminder that when the love of someone else is not longer present, the love of myself should be sufficient to keep me happy and not wanting to dive into the arms of another man to try to fill whatever I feel is missing in my life.

I miss the transparency; I'm never as honest with my friend or my family as I am with my partner, something that needs to change. I'm the only person who knows why I keep adding guys on Facebook, why I got wasted last week (bad night), why I am constantly searching for someone attractive and male to talk to: because I'm alone, but still lonely. I'm old enough to know that anything I start now could be detrimental to myself and whatever person I'm involved with, but it is still a viable option so that I'm not both alone AND lonely, at least for a little while.

So, I'm going to have a date with myself, to bring myself one step closer to recovery and being happy being alone. I'm going to cook dinner, read a book, get some ice cream, and go to a book store. Because I can and because there are many other things I could do that wouldn't be good for me and end up making me hurt worse. But, also, because I want to love myself, to be happy in my skin and my circumstances.

One day I'll be able to approach someone with the maximum amount of love I can offer because, that day, I will love myself fully and completely. The love of someone else will be a pleasure, a bonus, and a gift.

The Last Airbender (Fuck You Shyamalan)

So, The Last Airbender was so fucking bad. Usually I watch my language closer on this and Twitter but uh....

Yeah, it was so fucking bad. First, let's take the casting. I made a blog post about it and I still had my issues. However, the people who boycotted the movie won't know how bad it was unless they see it (well, also if they read my and others' blogs). How can the principle characters in a movie about a show based on MANY eastern cultures be white? How about the extras? There's no excuse to hire almost an exclusively white cast when most of the extras are from another ethnicity. No fucking excuse. Also, the firebenders are based on Japanese people. Making the principle antagonists of the film of Middle Eastern descent is not a good idea, especially in light of our current relationship with that region of the world.

Second, pronunciations. Sah-ka! Not Soh-ka. Aing! Not Awng! Ah-va-tar! Not Aw-va-tar! Fuck you Shyamalan! I saw a commercial for a game based on the movie and they pronounced Aang's name Awng. That was my first sign. No, wait, Shyamalan directing was my first sign. Anyway, I know the show is based on other cultures, but you can't change how things are pronounced in a movie based on the show, whether or not they are western or eastern pronunciations.

Third, Katara, one of my FAVORITE characters and an all around strong female lead... Was little and whiny in this film. She did not measure up to the Katara from the series.

Fourth, Sokka wasn't fucking funny.

Fifth, Shyamalan.

So, along the way I lost my train of thought. It's okay; I'm drowning out the bad movie experience with a beer and the GOOD Avatar: The Last Airbender. Seriously, screw Shyamalan. This movie really is not worth seeing.

Identity

I've recently gone through a pretty big change. My boyfriend and I broke up after a little over a year together. So, I've taken this time to reinvent myself, to change some things. In the midst of my latest revamp, I still have to take time to cope and heal, so I went on a shopping trip. Hello retail therapy. Well, I found a cute pair of glasses at Claire's and couldn't and wouldn't skip the opportunity. I've gotten a lot of compliments and a lot of questions of prescription, but I love them. The only catch is that they don't feel like a true part of my identity.

I think it is something that will come in time. I want them to be a permanent accessory. But when I feel them, see the frames, and look in the mirror, I feel like a different person. So, with the glasses I almost get to pretend, I get to be someone else with different problems and concerns when I have them on. When I take them off, I'm Allen again. All of this, of course, got me thinking about one of the most famous people who could change his identity with just a pair of glasses: Clark Kent.

Of course, we are all like "How the hell does no one notice? All he does is takes his glasses off!" And I think that argument is always going to hold. But think of someone you know who does not wear glasses, jewelry, a uniform and then put these things on them. They, even if for an instant, look like a different person. My customers almost don't recognize me in public because I'm not wearing an apron. This works in the opposite direction as well. Sometimes when we change a physical aspect of someone, we change our perception of that person's identity. Sometimes that person may do the same (I seem to remember an episode of Paranoia Agent where a woman with three distinct personalities all wore different clothes when they surfaced; the idea works in principle).

Maybe the entirety of the DC Universe completely changes their idea of Superman or Clark Kent's idea, though they are one in the same, when he does or does not have glasses on. Maybe Clark is a metaphor for how we can change our own identities by changing our outsides. Put on a pair of glasses, basically something out of your normal, and you can be a different person. Not to escape your reality, for that is impossible. I'm thinking of the much more positive implications of identity changes.

So, until these glasses become a true part of my identity and until I don't need another identity, maybe I'll be Sean. Maybe I'll pretend I'm in another skin and have adventures, because Lord knows I need one.

Racist!

So, is absolutely EVERYTHING racist in some way? If it's a principally black or white cast is THAT racist? If it portrays people in a stereotype is THAT racist?!

People are constantly pointing fingers; THIS is racist! THAT is racist! Sometimes to call something racist you even have to use racist language (ex: me calling the girl cast as Katara a whiny white girl). I'm so tired of this! I'm not even sure it's worth it to be aware of this stuff anymore. When you bring it up some people look at you crazy; some look at you like you should have caught on long ago. Damnit, we need to pick our battles.

We don't have to boycott absolutely everything in order to make racism go away. In fact, boycotting may not even be the key. It may me too late for the older generations to accept and adopt the message of love regardless of the outside (or sometimes inside). But how about teaching our children the difference? How about taking them to see The Last Airbender but at the same time showing them what went wrong with the movie? How about refusing to accept any language that debases another person? How about not using the words honky, cracker, nigger, faggot, chink, dyke, beaner, spick or anything of the like, even as the punchline of a joke? How about that?

We do a lot of raving and ranting about BET and The Last Airbender and how The Real Housewives of ATL are just cancerous sores on what we can call social relations in America. We do a lot of making people feel guilty about watching, supporting, or even thinking certain things. Well, I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to see The Last Airbender. Do I even need to feel guilty at all?

I'm picking my battles and choosing to showcase what I want to see in the world in my ways on my terms.

White Guilt

So, I've just been subjected to White Guilt. I'm not even white.

The Last Airbender has caught a lot of flack about its primarily white casting. The firebenders, who are supposed to be closer to Japanese, are cast as Middle Eastern (Indian if I'm not mistaken). Katara is a whiny little white girl. Sokka is Jasper. No, I don't agree with the casting. But, you know what? I'm still going to see the film.

What I'm doing has "sell-out" written all over it. I hate BET and MTV for their stereotypical portrayals of black people and believe they do a grave disservice to the black community. I love Will & Grace but it very stereotypically portrays gay people. Yet, I'm still going to see The Last Airbender.

Why? I've never believed that low-level boycotts do anything. Someone once said we should boycott Cinemark because its theatres wouldn't show Milk and that one of the execs did not support gay marriage. What happened with that? Cinemark is still in business. They don't seem like they're hurting at all. What was supposed to show Cinemark that we aren't going to take this bullshit did nothing to it at all except help it not make (not necessarily lose) thousands of dollars. It's the same with The Last Airbender. M. Night Shyamalan is still going to make money and (probably shitty) movies. Jasper is still Sokka. Katara is still a whiny white girl. And the movie may still mispronounce Aang's name.

I don't believe this boycott is going to get us anywhere. It is not a mounted assault. It is a small group of people, by comparison to the US population, who are upset about the casting who are going to find whatever way possible to not support this movie. They have that right. Still, I utterly refuse to say that I am support institutionalized racism by going to see the movie. We support all kinds of institutional racism, stereotyping, miscasting, misrepresentation, and delusion on a day to day basis. Comics, tv, movies, music, these media outlets ALL showcase some kind of racial or social misrepresentation on a constant basis. Unfortunately, these may be things that change with time and not instantaneously. If I could spur on this change, I'd like to believe I would, but I'm not going to lie in the chance that I don't.

I'm not a sellout. I'm going to see this movie. It's not going to make me any less of a person. Boycotting the movie does not send a message across in small numbers. If I start seeing riots or mass protests, maybe I'll change my mind.

B-Listed

Ms. Marvel,

I found out about you when I first played Marvel Ultimate Alliance, so I'm much behind the curve. However, I fell in love. I have a thing for strong heroines in comics. Or, strong female figures in general. However, as much as I loved you, I found out that, maybe, few others did.

I'm the only one of my friends who openly touts his admiration from you. In fact, I don't really hear many people talk about you at all. Where are you? You're supposed to be such a strong figure, you were figuring things out for yourself. You were going to put yourself at the top of the world. And you did. Then, issue #50 happened.

So, Ms. Marvel is a part of the New Avengers. I'm not sure exactly what this means, but I feel like she got B-Listed. Again. Cap knows her and how good she is, but maybe my adoration of her is getting out of hand and making me a bit presumptuous. I feel like she deserves a spot next to her friend, Jessica Drew, the Spider-Woman. Though she will share a spot with Jessica Jones, whom I am very glad is returning, she, and maybe Jessica Jones, too, deserve a shining spot. And I'm not talking about the potty-mouthed Alias series (though I did like it).

I think Carol deserves her day, much like Spider-Woman did, especially after all that happened to her. Just, when is she going to get it? Is Bendis going to treat her right in New Avengers? Is she going to be the leader and not just second in command?

Cartol, like I said, you deserve your day. So, maybe, we should have a Ms. Marvel day :)

Someday :)

Avengers Day

I've been waiting for this day since I heard about it. I don't even CARE that there's no one to celebrate with me. I love the Avengers (I've done a bit of a Marvel conversion over the past year...) and enjoy the fact that I get a day to celebrate them. However....

I've been upset about the Avengers lineup for quite some time. Ms. Marvel got B-listed (again), something I will address in the next post. Wolverine and Spider-Man are on TWO Avengers teams. Steve Rogers is just.... Well, Steve Rogers. I think Ms. Marvel is and should be treated like an A-lister. I want Steve as Cap. Wolverine and Spider-Man should stay where they belong (with the X-Men and a solo series, respectively). No, I don't like change, and this post proves it. Of course, especially if I choose to continue reading Avengers, I will have to just shut up or not read it. I'm just not sure how all this is going to go.

There was a lot of hype surrounding Avengers Day and the re-launch of Avengers, but I'm just not sure it delivers. Part of the problem is the use of Spidey and Wolvey, two of Marvel's most popular characters. But just because they're popular doesn't mean they should be in EVERYTHING. I honestly get tired of seeing them. I don't even think Spider-Man is that cool...

But, maybe I'll see the Avengers re-launch through, at least the first arc.

Changing the World

I'm upset with a lot of things. Arizona has passed a legislation giving law enforcement the power to make sure citizens have legal identification. A group is Arkansas is trying to get a legislation on the ballot that would prevent illegal immigrants from receiving the benefits of the state, some of which they already don't.

To me, these are massive affronts to the rights of some and eventually the rights of all. I don't mind that illegal immigrants are here (I don't even like saying that) because they aren't affecting me. There may be some ways that they are affecting me, negatively, that I don't know about. But, from the looks of it, I am primarily untouched. So are a lot of people. So why do we care? Why do we care that gays marry? Why do we care that gays can adopt children? Where is this harm that people keep speaking of?

I know that each argument I'm presenting can fall under the "slippery slope" idea. I don't agree with polygamy, but I couldn't tell you why. Does that mean that I should fight against a polygamist's, or polygynist's for that matter, right to marry more than one person if the parties are consenting? If the parties involved are NOT consenting, I see every right to step in. Otherwise, polygamy just won't affect any relationship or marriage I choose to have in the future (crazy scenarios aside).

I'm tired of a lot of things here. I want to be a major impetus to change. I want people to come to me and say that I've changed their lives for the better. However, I also want my motives to be pure. I don't want to change the world just so people will know what I did (though the recognition and attention would be so nice...). I want to change the world to make it better for those who will come after me. THEY are going to inherit this world of ours. We need to make it better for them. Still, I believe that the next generations are going to be capable of so much good, so much positive change. They're the ones who are going to change their mind of how things are going on.

However, they are also capable of so much bad. My idealism cannot hide this from me. Things can become better, or they can become worse than they already are. How are WE going to change them? And what am I going to do? How am I going to be part of what I perceive to be the solution?

No, Really

What am I supposed to blog about anymore?

This started as an attempt to vent my feeling because I felt they had no outlet. I quickly realized that was a baaaad idea. I have so many ideas, though. So much I want to talk about. I want to be noticed. I want my blog to be worth something. What I need to do is get my priorities straight.

What do I want to accomplish? What are my goals? Why do my ideas need to be seen as important? Not really sure. I want to find my niche though.

That being said... I may shift my topic primarily to comics, gay stuff, gay comic stuff, a sounding board for gay nerds EVERYWHERE, or just an online journal. I'm still hashing out all the ideas.

Let's see where this goes.

Dreaming of Superheroics

So, during my afternoon nap, I had a dream. It ensues thusly :D

There's actually a prelude. I'm at a computer and a gentleman I know from high school... Well, this part gets a little raunchy. Anyway, we go to explore the house we're in and he suddenly becomes David Boreanaz. Weird. We're walking down the hall and we start to only see a red light and some metal and I begin to think it looks like Freddy's boiler room place from Nightmare on Elm Street. Eventually we get to a dining room area in a small house where a couple is sitting. For some reason the girl disappears and I instantly know something is up. The man's head starts to melt and I know Freddy's coming, so I blow a hole in his head with telekinesis to make sure Freddy doesn't arrive. By this time, Boreanaz is someone else and is phasing through the floor to check things out when he begins to rise again with Freddy under him. I try to blast Freddy but not no avail.

In the secdond part, I'm going to a party with some friends (only one of whom I have in real life). Things start to get really weird outside. There's a river with things floating in it and it starts to form whirlpools. I stop the whirlpools and try to make another, safer one to gather all the debris and items in one place. Freddy appears, again, and starts hurling things at the window. I try to deflect them to do damage but it doesn't work. Still, he does no damage and the items bounce off a window.

Suddenly, I'm somewhere else with other superhumans, asking for their help. I talk to the leader who agrees to let me stay. Then, I gather some of the psychics, who are all women, there to assess the situation. There are two other psychics, both male and one of whom I'm apparently strongly attracted to. The one I wasn't attracted to, whom I had actually seen before for some reason, agrees to help while the other is reluctant. I look at him and feel... Those warm fuzzies. I end up just grabbing his hand while I telepathically relay the fact that I'm attracted to him to another of the female psychics. We assess what's going on and reach Freddy, who attempts to take control of us. We stop in time for him to fail, but realize he's coming. He lifts the roof off the house and we begin to fire whatever we can at him. I try ripping him apart. It only works for a short time. Eventually, I gather all of those who can harness some kind of energy to help me create a forcefield, which somehow takes the form of aquatic animals. They all surge to Freddy's location and help to weaken him, while someone else resurrects an ancient warrior who succedds in vanquishing Freddy.

Yea, so weird.

Passion

It's Thanksgiving. There may or may not be a Thanksgiving post. This is mainly because I'm thankful for myself :)

Anyway, my mother asked me to get the Christmas stuff from the attic and I came across a box called "Kids' School Work." I happened to find my 2D Studio Art portfolio. I loved the pieces I did, though I think I can improve them. I remember what it was like to do them and how proud I was, even though I didn't do well on the AP test.

I thought, "Why am I doing psychology? Why am I not doing art if I truly love it?" I asked Mom about it and she said there are things we do as a career and others we do as a hobby, and that the hobbies are hobbies because we love them. If they were our jobs, we may not love them as much. Aka don't go into art. That's a joke, because I know she'd support me no matter what. She still has a point though. Psychology offers more security at this point. Art... Just doesn't.

Drawing and painting are two of my passions, and I truly do love them. I just hope that one day I can utilize the passion I have for them.

A New Philosophy

Today in speech, we watched a video on gay marriage and why it should be legalized. The purpose was to evaluate the speech and its efficiency. The speech's message though, still hit home.

If Z and I one day decide to stay together indefinitely, we can't get married. If something happens to him, I can't visit him in the hospital. We can't enjoy the rights that heterosexual couples enjoy because we are gay, we can't get married, and civil unions are a disgustingly unequal comparison to marriage.

I don't have these rights. I hear about them over and over again. There are people fighting for these rights. Yet, at the end of the day, I still don't have them and may not before I die. I am no longer willing to wait.

I am unwilling to wait to be considered equal and to enjoy something that should be rightfully mine and that I've wanted since I was little and before I even thought that people would deny me those rights. I am unwilling to be content or complacent with the current state of affairs, the status quo. How do I secure these rights for myself? Must I wait until someone decides that gays can marry? Must I sit here and watch state after state but my own realize that gay marriage is something that should've happened a long time ago?

What did the black men and women, the women in general, do when they faced these dilemmas? Why did they have to wait so long? What was the agony of waiting to secure even such a right as voting or to occupy the same space as other people? Why are we forced to endure the denial of rights? Why have many religions, and why do they STILL, spoken against each of these things?

And what was the joy of every black man and woman when the slaves were freed and schools became integrated? What were the joys of women when they were able to vote and work for the same careers as men?

What will be my joy when one day, I can turn to my partner, whether it is Z or not, and say, "Baby, let's get married"?

What will be my joy and why am I not able to experience that now?

Halloween at a Bar

J: What the fuck just happened?
Me: I don't know. Mario just fucked Pooh

More on Halloween weekend later

Wake Up!

So, this weekend I fell in love with "Party in the USA". Gay, I know, right?

Well, I got an idea doing a search and found a blog that had the top five wake up songs. So, here's mine. A little light blogging this Monday morning (significantly better Monday morning :D!):

Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Keep Tryin' - Utada Hikaru
Oasis - Bennie K feat. Diggie Mo'
If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
32 Flavors - Alana Davis

So, not as easy as I thought, and a playlist like that definitely depends on my mood.

Halloween

I can't sleep.

But! I did get a late night epiphany as to what my Halloween costume should be. An integral part of my costume will be a pair of shorts. Short shorts. Showing off the legs this year :)

Top choices are:
1. Lifeguard
2. Gay X-Man
3. Hot Gay Nerd
4. Something random with minimal clothing

I'm leaning toward the Gay X-Man and Hot Gay Nerd because they'd be relatively inexpensive, I could use things I own, and they'd be a lot of fun. For the X-Man costume, I'd make a t-shirt and probably keep that one to wear regularly. For the Hot Gay nerd, I'd probably just wear shorts, a pair of Chucks, and glasses with the lenses popped out. This sounds like it'll be the most fun Halloween I've had in a long time.

I hope it works out!

Epiphany

In psychology, there is a term, insight. It's an epiphany, a shining bit of information that was unknown and is now suddenly clear. I had one today.

While speaking on getting back together with Z, I mentioned that our state of affairs is just like my breakup-to-makeup-to-extremely-angering-breakup with Q. He said he isn't Q. Good point. He isn't. But I kept going. Instead of annoying that bit of information and carrying on to something else, I let those feelings loose. I said how mad I was, how much I was hurt by Q's actions. And it dawned on me: it may be affecting me now.

In taking ownership of my feelings... I was mad that I was strung along, I was stupid for almost a whole fucking semester, waiting on him to turn around. I watched him get involved with other people, I watched him talk about them, but I stood by because I wanted to be with him so bad. So, when he mentioned a relationship, of course I finally did it, which also meant dropping another potential guy. Three months later, I'm unhappy. I don't listen to myself and try a couple more times to work with the relationship. The last time apparently did it. Things were nice for a while but he changed. He flipped it on me. I was wishy-washy, I know, but I was also unhappy and didn't know how to deal with it.

I was treated like the enemy. I was treated like I really did something wrong. Over the summer things got better, until a late night when he wanted to "get things off his chest." I almost let loose on him, but I decided not to. He's left me alone since then, and I'm happy, sometimes mad, but mostly happy. I don't endeavor to speak to him by any means, except to eventually get some stuff back from him. I realized, though, that in not getting things off my chest, in doing what I thought was respecting him, I was doing myself a disservice by holding onto those feelings. Now, I think I'm going to try to work through them.

I was tempted to contact him and let him know just how I felt, but I may not. The problem has presented itself, and I will deal with it. I don't know how things will work out from here, I'm just happier knowing something about myself.

This Monday Morning

Today, the world has shifted on its axis. Today, everything is not as it should. The world has something wrong with it, a kink in the system.

Today, I woke up and things didn't miraculously change. I didn't just make up my mind in regards to staying single or getting back together. Last time I did it on a whim and paid for it; this time I'm thinking it over. Today, one of my friends is hurting because another friend... And I've invariably taken her side again. Sometimes that's pretty easy when she's the one who's hurting.

Today, I may listen to the same song over and over because it's the only that really makes sense. Or, it's the only that I'm allowing to make sense.

Today, my emotions, which usually function to enhance and augment my writing, are hampering it. And, today, my room is also cold.

But these things can only last for so long. The world will soon buckle its belt and return its seat to the upright position; my friend won't hurt forever; my other friend... I may one day understand him; I won't keep listening to the same sorta-sad song; my emotions will even out; my university will FINALLY turn the heat on.

And Z? Well, he'll be okay, too, no matter what I do. And so will I. I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

Who Says?

I'm listening to John Mayer's new single "Who Says." I think I'm going to stop studying for the night, download it, and listen to it in my bed through headphones. It just seems like a song that makes sense, and, in the man's own words, a song best listened to between 8p and 3a.

Who says... Well, right now, I don't know who says. I'll get back to you on that.

This Too Shall Pass

It's been a while... And it's weird how many posts begin with that statement.

Well, it didn't work out. I just hope it doesn't end up like last time...

I'm awake, can't fall asleep, can't cry.... I feel like I can't do much of anything. I know tomorrow and Saturday will be hard. People will ask "What happened?" or "Do you feel okay?" All those questions I don't want to hear and don't want to answer. I almost wish people knew about break-ups instinctively so you didn't have to divulge any details.

I guess it was a closing to another chapter in my life. I'm scared it's going to affect my grades and my work and applying for grad school. My thoughts are in a jumble now...

Just, it also feels like a new beginning. I can be single and have fun again. I can change the format of my blog, change the links, I don't know.

There is just one nagging feeling though... The feeling of failure. Now, I'm the roommate without a partner. I'm surrounded by people in long-term relationships (or, maybe those relationships are just more noticeable at this point). I wonder, what could I have done to prevent this? How long will this emptiness, heartache, or whatever you choose to call it last? When will I date again? When will HE date again? Can I still go to yoga?

I'm hoping this is goodnight, because I want to wake up and be productive. And flirt with the straight boy at work to make myself feel better.

Perez Hilton and Jesse Jackson: A Treatise

As you probably already know, I have a huge issue with how I'm "seen." Not in the sense of how others continually see me on a day to day basis (i.e. how I dress, carry myself, etc. though this is of much importance to me), but how I am represented in the media by people who belong to the communities I identify with. There is always, to some level, representation of the individual by certain individuals in the spotlight. In my case, and in the case of other African-Americans and gay men (specifically, though this very much does reflect other demographics), I don't think there is always positive representation.

We can say that certain people (namely, Perez Hilton and Jesse Jackson) don't represent us, but in fact they do. When people look at us, what do they see? They see what the media has represented of our certain cultures, demographics, ethnicity and so much more. This is colored by personal experience as well. But what if there is little to no personal experience to give form to how the media represents people? How do these people in the spotlight, whether celebrity or otherwise, affect how the world sees those that belong to the same demographic?

I don't like that Perez Hilton seems like a loud, extravagant, eccentric, and intrusive gossip monger. I don't like that Jesse Jackson seems to come out of the shadows to make some comment about how individuals should apologize to the black community if they do something he thinks is offensive. These two individuals, and others, speak out as though with a megaphone, talking for the rest of us when we don't need it. I hope that someone doesn't see Perez Hilton when they look at me and know or realize that I'm gay, and I also hope that people don't see me as someone who takes every opportunity imaginable to play the race card (except as a good punchline - forgive me for that one) with even the slightest appearance of discrimination. I want to be represented as MYSELF, but I can't stop the media, the machine that loves oh so much to perpetuate stereotypes, from inadvertently, or maybe not, typecasting me. This isn't just an issue for gays or african americans either. Do all republicans identify with Ann Coulter or Bill O'Reilly? Do all liberals identify with Bill Maher? Do all atheists and agnostics identify with Richard Dawkins? I highly doubt it, and these individuals, as well, may be upsetting those whom they inadvertently represent.

One day I will learn to live and let live and those two won't bother me, but it's hard to shake off the anger and frustration I feel at people like that always rising up and doing something counterproductive against the cause they seek to defend. Outing people should be done at those individuals' discretion, not someone who thinks it's necessary and that it will further gay rights. Not every white person who makes a black joke is racist, because black people say them, too (you know someone who's always made remarks about "that lazy negro).

This makes me think of how I am representing gay people, black people, men, humans, college aged individuals. Am I doing my part to make sure that stereotypes aren't being propagated? Is that my job, my obligation? There are many ways to look at this issue. I can't stop Jesse Jackson or Perez Hilton, and it would go against their rights for me to try. Sometimes I just wonder if they think about what they say and how it will affect people in their demographic. However, something like that can't always be predicted. Maybe these individuals do truly believe in the cause they're fighting for, but also maybe, just maybe, they are taking us more steps back than forward.

Random Things I've Thought About Today...

I am host to many random ideas and thoughts, and here's a list of some interesting ones from today:

If you were to travel back in time and take Jesus' place on the cross, what would your last words be?
If you died what would you wish for all of your friends?

For the first, I'm definitely voting "Autobots, transform and roll out!" and "I have the power!!!".

And for the second... Dunno, long list. I'd want G to dance for me everytime she heard "Don't Stop the Music", B to know that I felt like a major bitch for what went down in DC and I could've acted mature, my cousin to finally find someone he loves, for D to make a comic and publish with a major company, my baby sisters to read Catcher in the Rye when they could finally understand it, my brother to have a good life for himself, my little sister to grow up and become the beautiful woman I know she will be, my mother to be truly happy for eternity, and for Z... Well, I'd wish for him to find someone that will make him happier than I hope I make him (and will continue to make him, hopefully)

The Stigma

I am a gay black man. By now, you probably know this. Being black, I have my own issues to deal with. There is very little overt racism, but we deal with some forms of subconscious racism, though it is both hard to find concrete examples of that type of racism AND hard to sometimes realize that we live in a new day and age and must move beyond it (I will avoid the issues of affirmative action for another day).

As a GAY black man, though, I face another slew of issues. For so long, homosexuality has had a stigma attached to it, and this seems to be especially strong in the black community. Black culture seems to be surrounded by the church and by music these days. The church part teaches the shame and sin of being gay, and music shows its black male performers as hypermasculine, and anything less is treated with disappointment, anger, etc. You can see some of the trouble that black gay men face in the so-called "Down Low" culture, where black men choose to hide their sexuality from the rest of the world, sometimes even the women that they are with, but have sex with men on the "low."

I find it hard to explain to my father the exact pressures I feel in being gay and black, especially after he mentions the fact that his only son won't carry on the family genes. Men are taught now not to compromise masculinity for emotion. It's no big deal when women cry, but when men cry it somehow just must be a big deal. That coupled with the fact that gay men are often portrayed as overly feminine and added to what I could consider an internal dilemma for some black gay men makes for a toxic combination.

There are some gay men that I don't always like, approve of, etc. I have never found it attractive to be called girl, to wear makeup (except on Halloween, I'll admit), carry purses, wear heels, pearls, extravagant jewelry (funny that gay straight men do this, too...) and part of that comes from the stigma of being seen as that super gay man. I don't like being seen as a stereotype, though I know that's how some people look at me. So, to see gay black men doing the same, I about keel over in frustration. I'm proud to be a boy, though I have feminine tendencies, so I take offense that some boys would rather act like girls. I shouldn't; I should stop being so judgmental, but it takes a lot to get over that anger because I don't want my family to think I'M going to be like that because I'm gay. It's hard to describe without stepping on toes, but right now I'm not worried about that.

I read an article, or perused it because the author pissed me off, about MIAKA - Men Interested in Alpha Kappa Alpha. I was like HELL TO THE FUCKING NAW! I'm serious! It made me so mad. I felt like those men should worry about being men and not trying to emulate a sorority. The author was in the same boat, but the way she talked about those gay men and how we don't have proper role models and how our single mothers brought us up as feminine (I especially took offense here because my mother worked damn hard to raise three kids, thank you). I saw one part of her argument, but she treated her gay black brothers like heathens. No, I don't always approve of what black, gay, or black AND gay men do. But at the end of the day, we are kindred in those respects. I'm going to be pissed at some things, but I'm not going to stop them from doing a damn thing. One lesson I had to learn was that no matter what, you can't change others and you can't force them to do anything that won't make them happy.

When I see a black man with pearls, it makes me want to scream, but who am I to judge? I'm sure plenty of southern folk would rather not see a young black man working in Bath and Body works, but I love that job. I'd rather not see other gay black men in make up, wearing pink and green and pearls; I'd rather not see black men wearing chains and pants that hang off their ass, speaking in a mockery of standard English; I'd rather not see other gay men flailing about, talking loud. Yet, I'm also sure a lot of people would rather not see me do some of the things I do.
I want this stigma gone, but it will take so much time, and that hurts. I want to feel like there is an even representation of black men, gay or straight, in the media, which will also take much time and which also hurts.

One day things will change and, even if we get mad at the things others are doing in and with their lives, we won't care. I'm working on being that way myself. In the words of many, I'm just doing me and I'm fine to let anyone else do themselves (pardon the innuendo).

Everyone's A Little Bit Racist

It's true!

We don't even recognize the shifty we all give to black patrons in our stores (trust me, black people do this too), we don't always try to understand the Asian customer (not 'Oriental') who has a thick accent and can't speak clear, American English. To say that we are a nation that supports minorities and does not discriminate is neither wholly true nor a huge lie.

I have these same attitudes too but one thing I find funny is that I know everyone does it, we just can't always understand the language it's done in. Contrary to popular belief, this does make me feel better. I don't feel as guilty, but please do not confuse that with me thinking it's okay and I don't want to change.

Just because a biracial (not black) man is president and we don't have as many examples of overt racism is not cause for thinking we've made it. The media perpetuates forms of racism everyday, especially damned BET for reinforcing negative, enduring, and damaging stereotypes of black people everywhere which leads others on the globe to think of us this way and react to us in less than favorable ways (I do not like being addressed in 'ebonics' and let's not get on being called the n-word -- by anyone).

To recognize that we are racist in some ways is a huge step. Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. If we could just stop pretending we are colorblind then maybe we'd be more honest with each other. Ideally, this doesn't mean we will jut be more racist overtly, but that we will realize how we are wrong in doing so.

I am a major supporter of the song because it speaks volumes. Yes it's crude, but I'm not going to exert pretention by saying the song is wrong because it supports racism. We are presented with questions everyday that have no solution. This song presents the problem of subtle racism and puts it on the table, then leaves us to deal with it once the song is over. Instead of critiquing it, take a step back and see where you're wrong and endeavor to fix it.

In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to catch a taxi :)

Secret Invasion

If we lived in the Marvel universe on Eath-616, we would've been in trouble over the weekend. Why? Because Michael Jackson passed

We successfully diverted ourselves, we focused our attention on his death. He was an icon, 'The King of Pop', and that means a lot to Americans and the world. But, especially right now, we should be focused on the economy, on energy and health and the changing world. Still, we let an icon's death keep us from focusing on things that truly matter.

If we lived in the Marvel universe, the Skrulls, interstellar changelings, could have easily invaded without even trying. MJ's death should mean a lot to his family and friends. While he became a symbol of a lot of things, we still should not have let a celebrity's death keep us from focusing on important things. Somethig, anything could have happened while our guard was down. We beef up security, we change to oppressive foreign policies, yet we let the death of a famous musician distract us. I don't think people realize this, but we are in bad shape by more than the way of economics and health care. We focus so much on trivial things yet expect problems to be fixed.

Death, anyone's death, is tragic and I mourn the loss of any life, but by our mere existence we prove that life goes on, do we not? Then we should act like it. If John Mayer, my favorite artist, died tomorrow I would honestly grieve, but I would not let that distract me from what I should be doing.

Watch the skies.

Still Scared

There are many reasons we fear we may lose the love of those closest to us. Being gay does not help in quieting those concerns because we risk losing the love of those who birthed us, who physically created us.

Yesterday, I had a talk with my father about my being gay (via txt, which I find comical). We reached the same conclusion. I mentioned it was unfair to want me to change and he said it was unfair that his only son is gay. There are a lot of things that are unfair though. It is unfair for me to be forced to comply with certain standards, to have to male others happy by changing. It is unfair for my father's 'name' to not be truly passed on.

What I think a lot of parents may not understand is that we have a lot to lose too. We never forget that we may not have biological children or children at all. We know that being gay may disappoint your or hurt you. We also know you may turn us away.

But why ask us to change? Why try to make us make you happy knowing that we will be unhappy in the end?

Times are changing. One day, no one will have to have this discussion and it will be wonderful. My parents don't know my real beliefs, that I have doubts, that I think some parts of the bible are fundamentally wrong and we do ourselves a great disservice by seeing it as unerring. Maybe they should.

Friends

I always told myself that I'd never forsake my friends for a boyfriend.

Want to bet how that's gone thus far? I find it way too easy to give up friends for boyfriends. Not willingly, of course. Just, lately, the only person I've really wanted to be around is V (pseudonym of course, and he knows, just fyi :D). It doesn't help that I have NO MONEY and most of my friends are IN CONWAY. I could go to Barnes with the bestie and we could see free movies every now and then at the Rave, but I find myself at a loss for what to do with my friends now.

I'm trying to limit driving to Conway to only when I have to work, and I could do lunch there. It's not easy trying to spend as much time as possible with someone whom you're with and balancing old friendships, at least not to me. I hope they haven't felt like I've been doing them wrong, because I sure have felt that way. I'm going to find away. It's only June (technically).

So Much...

I still need to find an adequate blogging application for my phone, that way I can start blogging regardless of my internet's status (which is MIA; I'm using the maternal unit's... I mean mother's wireless as I do laundry).

A lot has happened. A lot. There's so much that I want to share with, well whoever reads this thing *cricket* But also some that I think I will withhold. How much of one should he share if he knows that others may be hurt hearing it? Judgment call, personal choice, things of the such.

That being said... A few things I've encountered, found, etc. over the past couple of months:

Biboli makes an excellent pizza crust
I can (still) cook
My rental house... Has its share of problems
I find it EXTREMELY hard to sleep without the tv on
Noel Murray has given me landmark comic stories to do "research" on for my thesis in Honors
Star Trek and Wolverine were amazing movies

And I'm forgetting the rest, but more to come. There are a lot of stories to share.

Grateful

I'm grateful:

That I was created from the same grains, fibers, cells as so much life on earth; that we are all connected; that we all came from the same source, be it Allah, God, Yahweh, the Big Bang; I'm grateful to have a job; I'm grateful to have the chance and opportunity to attend college, basically for free; I'm grateful to have a car that WORKS, even if I pay for it; I'm grateful for my friends and family who love me unconditionally; I'm grateful for an ex who is showing me respect and willing to listen, despite the fact that we are apart; I'm grateful for my mother and my parents who will always watch over me; I'm grateful for music and colors because they make the world that much beautiful and they exist EVERYWHERE; I'm grateful for life because it is a beautiful gift in and of itself.

I've had a pretty bad week, and it's showing very little sign of getting better. In the words of Kahlil Gibran, much of my pain is self-chosen, but man that doesn't make it any easier. I'm trying to stay positive now, and that is a journey in and of itself. This sucks, but I need to stay mindful of my blessings and what I have, where they came from. It's hard, it really is, but other people do suffer more than me and I'm trying to stay mindful of them, too, of their struggles, their pain.

I'm trying to keep my head up but it hasn't been easy. I'm going to be mindful of what I have, grateful that I have it, and considerate of those who may be worse off than me. This still hurts, though, and I need my scars to heal, too.

I used to think that because other people suffer, I should never complain. I can volunteer all over the world, but if I'm in pain, I'm still in pain. It's okay to work through my own problems, while still being mindful of the problems of others.

Right?