Epiphany

In psychology, there is a term, insight. It's an epiphany, a shining bit of information that was unknown and is now suddenly clear. I had one today.

While speaking on getting back together with Z, I mentioned that our state of affairs is just like my breakup-to-makeup-to-extremely-angering-breakup with Q. He said he isn't Q. Good point. He isn't. But I kept going. Instead of annoying that bit of information and carrying on to something else, I let those feelings loose. I said how mad I was, how much I was hurt by Q's actions. And it dawned on me: it may be affecting me now.

In taking ownership of my feelings... I was mad that I was strung along, I was stupid for almost a whole fucking semester, waiting on him to turn around. I watched him get involved with other people, I watched him talk about them, but I stood by because I wanted to be with him so bad. So, when he mentioned a relationship, of course I finally did it, which also meant dropping another potential guy. Three months later, I'm unhappy. I don't listen to myself and try a couple more times to work with the relationship. The last time apparently did it. Things were nice for a while but he changed. He flipped it on me. I was wishy-washy, I know, but I was also unhappy and didn't know how to deal with it.

I was treated like the enemy. I was treated like I really did something wrong. Over the summer things got better, until a late night when he wanted to "get things off his chest." I almost let loose on him, but I decided not to. He's left me alone since then, and I'm happy, sometimes mad, but mostly happy. I don't endeavor to speak to him by any means, except to eventually get some stuff back from him. I realized, though, that in not getting things off my chest, in doing what I thought was respecting him, I was doing myself a disservice by holding onto those feelings. Now, I think I'm going to try to work through them.

I was tempted to contact him and let him know just how I felt, but I may not. The problem has presented itself, and I will deal with it. I don't know how things will work out from here, I'm just happier knowing something about myself.