It talks about how to live and cope with being in our world as a gay man. It talks of our difficulties in relationships, how we deal with shame, the fact that we may have shame in the first place, and how to move toward a truly authentic life. I loved it the first time, but I am learning so much more this time. Of the hallmark lessons is that sometimes the pain you experience from interaction with others isn't your fault. Not to say that it is theirs, but definitely to say that you are not to blame.
Sometimes I wonder, know, and wonder again whether I am still dealing with emotional pain from previous relationships. Sometimes the thought of those people fills me with anger, even if I am unable to recall all of the things they said or did. But, it was still refreshing to read that it wasn't my fault. I was not to blame. But, also, that the pain I experienced with them may have been a result of pain they had gone through as well. I'm not relegating my reactions or anything I did to those people. I am fully responsible for those. However, I am saying, and practically refusing, to carry around those wounds forever. Maybe this is my first step at closing those wounds, maybe I have taken the steps before, or maybe I have yet to make such a bold move.
Another thing that sticks out to me, though, is whether or not I have perpetuated any cycles of distress, pain, or invalidation as a result of my own experiences. No, they were not life-ending, threatening, or challenging, but they sure as hell did suck, and they are all I can draw from as far as any kind of psychological trauma is concerned. Still, I do not want to be the agent of pain for someone else at all and especially not because of pain that I had gone through in the past.
So, to someone I know will read this maybe as soon as I post it, maybe in a matter of days, weeks, months, or whatever period of time: I hope that you did not have to suffer because I had been hurt before. I hope that our relationship did not create scars that you will have to live with forever, or for any moment in time. I hope that this post isn't setting you back emotionally or creating any distress. If so, I will gladly take it down and keep it in the private recesses of my mind. Even if we did not work out, we should not have to carry around the pain or invalidation of others. You should never have to be suspicious of another person or relationship because of anything I did, and I truly hope this is not the case. Now is the time for both of us to heal; there should be no deep scars or biting truths. You are, were, and will be a wonderful person, one that needs to and will grow, just the same as me. You can consider this an apology, reconciliation, promise, an urging for you to grow, live long and prosper, and ultimately to heal. There are lessons to be learned and love for ourselves and for others we meet in the future to grow.
We must live truly authentic lives to be happy. Sometimes this means glamour and money, other times it means tranquility and solitude. I want to enhance this process in people's lives, not hinder it. I am going to try my best to make sure that the men that romantically enter my life do not have to suffer any scars at my hands, and I pray to God that no one has by this point. I refuse to be content with the way things were if it has caused someone pain, and will help facilitate healing in any way possible, but I also refuse to let the pain of others interfere with my own healing and acceptance of myself if it does not need to.
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