After the break-up, my self-esteem and self-worth took a great hit. I didn't even realize it until recently. When I see an attractive guy, I go "Ooooh damn..." then I go "He'd never want me..." Of course, pining after straight men doesn't help, but I won't talk to anyone. Not because I'm a wimp, but because I don't think anyone will take me. I almost feel like no one wants me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worth the love. But why? My self-worth is not contingent upon a man's love or attention. I know this. So why am I not acting like it? Why am I not taking charge of my life, my love life? There is also the issue of auto-sabotage. I feel like anything I start is destined to fail because I will make it fail. I will find the smallest doubt, the smallest insecurity, and magnify it 'til where I can't deal with it anymore. My standards have been impossibly high, even though I'm looking like nobody's business. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I love being alone. I hate being lonely. The catch is that I'll search and search but knock people off my list. I don't want to be lonely, but I'm not willing to find the next random guy to make me feel whole. I refuse to let anyone in my life that isn't up to my (impossibly high) standards.
Other than that, I realized just how much things have changed for Z and I. I'm at a much more comfortable place with the whole situation. Of course our end was amicable. Sad, but amicable. Last night we talked for a bit and it was nice, but I see where we both are headed as people. We aren't going to be best friends. We aren't going to share every detail of our lives. We'll just be friends. It's weird to think about, but it also gives me a sense of resolution. I think that chapter's just about done, if not over, and now I feel like any decisions I've made regarding it.... They stand. No more uncertainty.
So, with all that being said...
Until Further Notice,
Allen
1 comment:
Allen,
I believe I can relate... Perhaps not b/c of similar background experiences but instead a similar ending result. I have a hard time remembering that everyone has flaws. Not just me. I spent much of my youth feeling different and isolating myself from others which led to extreme introversion and minimal self-esteem. I didn't feel that I could be myself around anyone... So I lived a lie. A lie I've spent a lot of time undoing. As a result of my pre-college life, I developed a strong independent streak. I like to be alone... But I have moments where I feel an overwhelming sense that I'm not complete. None of my past relationships have been strong enough to fill that void. I have ended them out of my own insecurities. I have struggled with the reasoning behind my choices but in each case my final resolution has been to move forward... alone. I don't want to keep having these experiences when they feel more like failed experiments. With each failed relationship, I feel less capable of falling in love. I may only be 24... but I don't want to spend my whole life looking for Mr. Right. I want to spend my whole life with him. So I'm forging on... and hoping for the best. All that to say I think we share a lot in common and I would be glad if I were someone you felt you could talk to.
-Adam
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