A Moment's Reprieve

I had a good cry in the car today. I was blindsided by 'I'm a Survivor' by Reba McEntire. It was kind of weird, but I accepted it. I just let the tears flow. As a result, my head is a bit more clear.

You see, I've been hurting. Not being in a relationship still shocks my system sometimes. Some days are easy, others are not. So, now, my life is on a day to day basis and I try to take my emotions as they come, though I still end up blocking some of them without even noticing.

What I realized, though, is that I've tried to mend the hurt by looking for 'The One.' You know, almost four months after my relationship has ended. I think, 'Surely I'll find him today!' Except that's hiding behind some harmful and unrealistic optimism. I don't know if I've already met my soulmate, or if I've already lost him. Chances are, I haven't met him at all. And, honestly, soulmates may not even exist; what may exist, though, are highly compatible partners. Moral of the story: I just don't know.

So why spend my life looking at faces to see if one of them is 'it'? Why try to mold myself to find my next true love? I don't mind dating, but damn I need a new strategy and perspective. Now that I am single, I can move to Nashville (which has a high likelihood of happening after I graduate), New York or wherever the hell I want to, at least at this point, without consulting someone else. My mother could object to my moving to another city, but her input would have much less impact than a long-term romantic partner. I can accomplish what I want to at my leisure. I get to work on myself, a much easier task to accomplish when single, at least from my experience.

There was one point where I wondered whether I'd even be in a relationship that lasted longer than three months. At this point, I have been. Just because things feel all bleak and shit at this juncture doesn't mean they always will. Hell, not even all of my days are bad. I just have to take them as they come, and, when the anxiety or depression hits, I have to go on with my life.

I'm just very tired of sitting here feeling sorry for myself, lamenting this dry spell, and missing him. It won't happen instantly, and I won't feel like this every day, but I'm ready to move forward. I'll do what it takes. The strength I thought existed only when Z was by my side is still here, and that's a wonderful revelation. I'm strong enough to do this. So, it's time to put on my big boy panties, get shit done, and get on with my life.

Sure, I'll miss him for a long time. I'll hurt for an indefinite amount of time. Yet, all of that shouldn't keep me from connecting with others, romantically or platonically, out of fear that I'll experience this again. There are a lot of 'Fear' statements in my life and I'd like to get rid of them.

Allen, it's time to willingly leave the darkness and step into the light. Nothing good can come from staying here.

So, I won't.