31 Day Reset: Day 1

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I randomly came across a month-long activity called the 31 Day Reset. It spoke to me. Because, you know, if my life had a reset button I *might* have pushed it by now, but who knows.

Anywho, it's a journey of self-discovery. I'm pretty much all about that. I want to see if I can and will stick to the program, what I'll find, the themes for the different days. And something important I told myself this morning: Do this for Allen, not to find love or become a better partner, but to become more connected to Allen and let your love for him grow.

Yesterday I read three important things: An introspection journal I wrote last summer and two love letters I've written to myself. The journal revealed just how bad I felt last summer, to the point of saying, 'When I see guys I'm attracted to, I go, 'He'd never like me. I'm not hot enough.'' It hurt to read that. Luckily, I'm not in that exact place anymore, but to have concrete evidence of not truly loving myself? I faced a harsh reality. On the other hand, the love letters revealed something different: even on my darkest days, the love I have for myself is real and growing and has the possibility to sustain.

For the most part, yesterday wasn't the greatest day, but when I read the second letter, I found this gem: Never forget that I love you, that I love that your face is the first face I see every day. I've been searching for love, and I'd love for someone to write that to me. Just thinking that *I* was the one who wrote those words was and is powerful. I was the one who said something like that to me. Therefore, I realized I can create an everlasting love within myself that will lay the groundwork for my other relationships, romantic, familial, platonic or otherwise.

I can already feel the change. I am working hard to change the negative self-talk. I feel more real around my family, even without saying I'm gay and atheist. I feel more authentic. More me.

So, for 31 days, I'm going to go on a journey to find more of me. No, I don't think the picture will be complete, but I will have a better grasp on who 'me' really is. I look forward to any revelations I encounter.

So, for day 1, I had to find a journal, a mantra, and a theme song. I'm using my goal book, even though it isn't blank, because I know I will go back and read it, just as I do now. My mantra is, 'Act out of Love, not Fear.' My theme song? 'Step by Step' by Whitney Houston.

I'm excited for this. Simply, it sounds cool. But, what if I make it to Day 31? What's waiting for me? I'd like to see :)