Gangs

So, I was talking with my friend, let's call him the Jew (no seriously). He said he almost got jumped on two occasions in the SAME DAY in his town (we both go to college together about 30 mins away from here).

Me: You were wearing you're yarmulke, weren't you.

And he was. With a shirt with hebrew on it. Which explains why he was about to be jumped by Armenians. And then some black folks, but that's 'cause I just think black folks are mean sometimes. Hell, I know I am.

Anyway, we came upon the subject of him possibly being in more danger than before if he had been wearing certain colors. Which, I added that pink, more than likely not affiliated with any gang other than the gay mafia, would definitely have gotten his ass beat.

So, we both arrived at the conclusion that if gangs are stupid enough to shoot each other over someone wearing a damn color, they might as well copyright that stuff. At least have some kind of legal purpose for busting a cap in someone's ass for wearing a rival color, you know? This is like punching someone for using the green crayons when you only use blue. This stuff is ridiculous.

Dear...

Pimple in the FREAKING MIDDLE OF MY FOREHEAD:

Oh my God I hate you!

With love utter disgust and hate,
Auriel

But if you're here you probably already know who I am haha

Never Be Afraid to Cry

Crying is so much like the rain. The rain falls, an accumulation of evaporated water condensing in the sky. When the clouds are too heavy, they pour rain because they need to. It replenishes the earth, it allows things to grow. And the cycle starts again.

We cry because we need to. Just like condensation accrues, so do our own emotions, and sometimes they truly can be too much. Crying is our natural, and healthy, way of letting those emotions out. Whether you cry silently, or sob hysterically, it's usually because you need to. So, never be afraid to cry.

Never be afraid to let those emotions out. It really is a beautifully wonderful thing to cry, let everything out, and finally release your cares to God, or whomever you may happen to believe in. Just imagine those tears drying to create a cloud in your mind. Next time that cloud gets too heavy, just let it rain.

Free yourself, and let the rain fall.

Flutter

Clamouring beautiful blue wings
Crash, crash in frenzy
Knock against the walls of my lungs
You stole my breath away

No oxygen, blood runs black
I'm frozen, cold when my heart skips that inevitable beat
It's all you, when I see you
I have to turn away

I feel each flat, butterfly kisses
Come out as softspoken speech
I reach for the words
But my body pulls out that butterfly

I open my mouth, though utter no sound
The lump in my throat is an attempt to escape
I want to see that butterfly
'Cause on its wings fly my poetry

My love song's to no addressee for I lack a name
A lover, to me, a wraith
Still tugging on my heart strings
Tangling a web for that poor butterfly

Let those blue wings fly
So I can breathe, speak, whisper my name
Let my verse fly to you, understood
So you'll know what magic you incite in me

Though it's up in the air
If you believe in magic at all;
Whether the sight of me
Makes you see butterflies

I could fall in love
Again, again, and again
But the words whispered in sleep
Only come from an imaginary Prince

I've spent time with words of love
Dipped in honey, soft to touch
But upon waking
Find you never uttered such a thing

A song sings sweetly to me
How my smile makes the stars shine
Twinkling in jealousy

How the sun shines through my tears
Creates a rainbow
When God sends hope to me

A Prince by any other name
Will be just as sweet
Though, hidden in a pauper's clothing,
He remains hidden from me

I've found that
You just dress like royalty
I've been looking through your castle
Never realizing it's been crumbling

It's Alright, It's Alright, It's Alright...

I got this idea from another blog, and I think it would be helpful for anyone who's ever down for whatever reasons.

It's okay for me to feel hurt when my feelings are unrequited, or when things don't work out. It's okay for me to know what I want. It's okay for me to have standards and stick to them. It's okay to have integrity, dignity. It's okay to cry when I need to. It's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to want to be loved. It's okay to desire someone.

It's okay to be alone. It's okay for me not to have a boyfriend. It's okay to have an empty bed. It's okay to have no one to go home to. It's okay to be single. It's okay to take time to enjoy being single. It's okay to look, even if you plan on not touching. It's okay to draw lines to avoid settling for someone. It's okay to listen to sad songs to cry, just to get the emotions out.

It's okay to be mad at someone when they deserve it. It's okay to be fair. It's okay to leave a situation alone if it stresses you out more than it should.

It's okay to be alone.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Before This

Crystal Kay's new single, "涙のさきに" (Namida no Saki ni - Before the Tears), is inspiring me to be a little more upbeat about life, and my love life specifically.

I've started to notice a lot of patterns. I like someone, something gets miscommunicated or things don't happen, and that someone becomes a no one in my life for a little while. Then I feel bitter and angry at them because I feel hurt. And I do, it always hurts to lose that hope, that little thread you desperately cling to. But that also leads to a lot of unnecessary and unneeded anger towards specific people, and that's not far. The same goes for a lot of other things.

I'm tired of this dating game, even if I can't get my piece on the board. I'm tired of putting so much energy into these endeavors.

For the first time in my life, my lack of a love life truly is okay. The thought of this almost makes me want to cry, but it's okay not having anyone next to me, in bed or life or otherwise. As John Mayer soulfully sings in "Lesson Learned" with Alicia Keys, "It's alright, it's alright, it's alright." And it is.

It's alright. It's alright. It's alright. This is just another lesson learned and another step closer to loving myself as I should.

Mandatory

Next guy I meet gets this question:

Do, do you got a first aid kit handy?

Impatience

I asked a friend if I'm rational in being impatient with guys and what I perceive as bullshit. She said, "Yes." I do know what I'm worth and what I'm willing to put up with, and I've been less and less willing to deal with a lot. I don't like this whole flirting or dating game because it seems like both sides won't be upfront, and the last time that did happen with me nothing came of it.

Oh wait... I have been up front! I don't know how many times I have to say 'I like you' or 'I want you' for someone to get it through their head. Which often leads me to conclude: they don't feel the same. I wonder if common sense always has to factor into someone figuring that out, or should the other side say something about it? He hasn't said anything about not wanting a relationship. Should the "Looking for: Friendship" crap on Facebook mean something? What about his flirting? See why my mind is going crazy?

As the days go by I realize how much more I want to be single JUST to avoid the mess that is "talking to" or dating someone. Guys my age can't get their shit straight, I believe. Hell, I barely can sometimes. This just leads me to believe I should clean the slate, which includes that one guy I was just being nice to because I can't even handle rejecting someone, let alone rejection itself. It always feels like whatever I go through with some guy I inflict on someone else. How the hell is that fair?

I've been giving up on people too easily, but that's only because having faith in people doesn't help me by any means.

Off the Market, Learning to be Alone, & Other Musings

I told myself a few weeks ago, while trying to find a way to rebuff my most recent unwanted encounter (which failed miserably as I've probably already posted about; if not, more to come), that there was only one guy whom I was interested in dating. For the most part, this is true. But more importantly, he was the last person I was actually willing to invest time in dating. Yet, as of last night, this doesn't seem to be the case.

For the record, this isn't a post about me being bitter or jaded, because that's common knowledge. It's just about an important life decision.

My financial status does not qualify to be a status at all. I'm working to improve that situation. Between bills, expensive policy changes, gas prices and the aforementioned work, I'm more than certain I don't have time for a relationship. On another hand, with my most recent experiences in romance and things of the sort, absolutely every one of them has turned out to be disappointing to various degrees, some due to me, some due to others. After last night, I realized, unless I just read signals completely wrong, this latest guy isn't interested in a relationship, and more importantly not one with me. Any time I've mentioned it I just get a surprised reaction from him and that's it. Maybe some flirting here and there, but I'm too smart too look into that; there are no definite signs, so I'm not playing any definite game. I'll explain that whole situation in my next post.

Anyway, gay men are disappointing in my life. There aren't that many that I'm just good friends with. I find them as taxing as girls can be (somehow, I haven't had as much difficulty with straight males). There are more, though, that I don't respect on the basis of my thinking they're all whores, and I'd love to give them the benefit of the doubt, this as soon as they warrant it of course. Guys don't clamour after me and the ones that do rarely interest me. Besides, since when is being an opportunist attractive? Never, at least now. I'm tired of waiting for someone to walk my way, I'm tired of trying to get up the courage to even flirt with someone. I'm really just... Tired.

So, with that being said, I'm off the market. Indefinitely. I've lost more of myself along the way and part of my goal is to reclaim that, all the while finally really trying to be alone and be happy with that, not just as a way of getting God to give me what I want. Oh yea, I want to get back in touch with him. Good plan, I think. I just want to break away from all this unnecessary stress. I'm tired of having to put up with someone else's shit just to start talking when I have shit of my own, you know?

Gladiolus for strength of character, something I hope to build and display

Pot

I've never found a good reason to smoke pot, and I probably never will.

I just want to address this issue head-on: I think smoking pot is stupid. There have been times where I was almost swayed to think the opposite, but that doesn't replace the fact that I still think it's stupid. And, while I'm on this, people who openly broadcast marijuana leaves on myspace and shit like that just look trashy. And this coming from someone who looks at porn. Yea, still trashy.

I have a close friend who told me once that when he smoked pot he gained the ability to look at himself objectively. Well, especially after his in-depth explanation of the experience(s), I realized, hell, I do the same thing when I'm NOT high. Go figure. The one thing that actually made me want to smoke pot for the first time in my life was when he mentioned some other people I adore but haven't been around in a while smoke it with him. That's cool. Then he closed with "But you should never do it unless you want to." And I gained the best reason in the world not to smoke pot.

I just don't want to.

There, that's it. Oh, but I still think it's stupid. I can't think that enough. The reasons people list for the benefits of marijuana or how it's "not that bad" are just as hollow as some of the moral reasons people refuse to, reasons I used to follow. I always thought the anti-drug commercials were stupid; those ads just make kids braindead and give them another form of thinking that isn't truly theirs.

I do know some people who smoke pot who I respect wholeheartedly. When I found out I was a little shocked, but it hasn't changed my perspective at all, on them or how I feel. I did learn, though, that I can't just judge someone on the basis that they smoke pot. If they're a deadbeat, they're a deadbeat and that's that. But if you are getting your stuff done and being responsible about your own life and smoking pot, I applaud you. You keep doing what you're doing because apparently the pot has no control over you, you have control over the pot. Amen my brothers and sisters of the ganja.

In closing, don't smoke around me. I probably won't date you if you smoke pot (sorry, it really does bother me). I'm not going to do it with you, so don't ask. Just be cool and I'll think you're cool, and you won't have any issues with me judging you.

Unless you're a whore, then you get my wrath. And I'm quasi-serious about that.

Must Be Dreaming (Redux)

I woke up to find I must be dreaming, that any sense of happiness had faded. What was left is what I always found in the mirror: a young, jaded human being hidden under wooden eyes.

Optimism is my heart's enduring but ineffectual defense mechanism, leaving me to deal with the world holding a glass half full with a heart half empty.

Or maybe it's hope.

Again?

I don't see how I can stay up talking to you getting no where.

If I didn't know before tonight, there is such a thing as innocent flirting. Sometimes it's mutual, sometimes it's one-sided. Just quit flirting and tell me what you want damnit. I don't like playing forward because it doesn't fucking get me anywhere.

Sorry, just frustrated. I wonder if it's because I put too much energy into finding relationships. I bet it is.

Unrequited love is still a bitch.

Oh, and I still pretty much hate anything that has a penis. At least until I have a good boyfriend. So I'll pretty much always hate anything that has a penis. Why the hell do you think I always get female pets?

No Denial

I have to admit, yea, it does hurt. But this is why

1) I kept open a very limited window of communication, and

2) I stayed my distance.

It's not that what you did was bad, not even in the slightest. It's that things like this are inevitable with you. You don't stay single and you still don't want me and these are two things I've come to accept. I'm talking about it because, at one point in my life, I ignored the obvious and got hurt. I'm glad we can both live our lives, but I don't think that was ever an issue with you haha.

Hey, you keep doing what you're doing. I'm just glad this time you aren't cuddling with my ex on the couch in front of me. Now that, sir, was very tasteless

Grinds My Gears

So, driving the other day, I noticed something that pisses me off every time someone does it, so I decided I'd start my own little rant posts in the vein of Peter Griffin's "What Grinds My Gears".

So:

You know what really grinds my gears? People who turn without using turn signals. They're on cars for a reason. If we didn't need them, we wouldn't have them. So, why in the hell, when you are about to turn a corner, would you either a) not use your turn signal or b) wait til right before you turn to use it? I really hope you understand that this becomes a nuisance to the person driving behind you. We would all like adequate warning before you turn so we can SLOW OUR ASS DOWN without fear of plowing into your dumb ass.

And that, readers, is what grinds my gears.

Imprison

I have a feeling that, one day, this blog will literally be the death of me. More to come

Don't Try So Hard...

They both sat in his car on this late-autumn night. There was a harsh rain pouring down above them. The car was off, no music or anything, as the cold set in around them. Normally, on a night like this, they’d be embracing each other in the back, not separated by the gear shift, the radio, glove compartment or anything. But there they sat in the front, both staring out into the torrential rain, a dim orange streetlight hovering above them.

She had her hands stuck in her coat pockets. She was finally starting to dry off, an uncomfortable process in such weather. Her eyes were blank, her lips unmoving as she looked through the windshield. Her breathing was barely audible, and she could barely tell if she was breathing in the first place. For her, maybe for the both of them, though she wasn’t sure, time, location, everything outside that car was irrelevant. They both transcended any notion of reality they had known before, anything besides heartache, pain, anger, anguish, and being ultimately defeated by forces outside the self. Drops of rain clung to her hair, just like she clung to…

His hands gripped the steering wheel. He would periodically move them around, 12 o’ clock and 3 o’ clock, 10 o’ clock and 2 o’ clock, 11 and 1, 9 and 3. He thought of the numbers paired together to find something he could make sense of, but it all failed him. Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing meant anything, nothing mattered, nothing was relevant. It was all pointless and he had no inkling as to why.

She turned her head to take his image in, and she could only fight back tears. It wasn’t dramatic like last night, when her lips quivered and her tears ran like streams after the rain. It was a silent, numbing, internal weeping, one that she hoped he would notice.

And he did, for he felt the tears himself. He could feel the anguish in her cries from the night before. They still rang clearly in his head. He turned to meet her gaze, locked in her eyes. He wanted to reach for anything left inside he had to give to her, anything she’d take anyway, though deep down, he knew that he had left a scar indelible, one that he would never be able to fix.

They didn’t say a word as they sat, transfixed on each other. He slowly moved his hands to his lap, she slowly moved her hands to either side of her. The memories of last night, of all they had gone through, were still too strong for them to bear, to understand, or to cope with.

“What’s wrong?” he asked her.

“Nothing.” She curtly and apathetically replied.

“Something’s wrong. What is it?”

“Nothing.” She turned to him with a look of growing anger.

“Look, I just asked what’s wrong. You’ve been acting like this all night. You’re being a killjoy; it’s like you don’t want anyone to have any fun.” She stared at him as he went on, her mouth slowly gaping open. “I don’t know what’s been up with you. For the past few weeks, the only thing you’ve wanted to talk about is your feelings, your emotions. Why do you keep on?”

Tears started to form in her eyes, distorting her vision, making his image more and more unclear, just as how she had been seeing him for those past few weeks, unable to make out clearly his emotions, his actions, or any part of him. She just nodded.

“And now you don’t want to say anything? What the hell?! I just don’t know what’s wrong with you. This is getting to be too much. I don’t need this.”

And then he said the one line that broke her heart, “I don’t deserve this.”

She could hear the fragile pieces of her heart crash to the core of her being. They shattered with a clarity she hadn’t felt in a long time. Each tiny, crisp, tinkle of glass against her inner foundation resounded with an infinite intensity. The tears started to roll.

“You don’t deserve this?!” She yelled back at him. “You don’t deserve all the things I’M putting you through?!” He slowly began to realize he made a mistake. “I had to sit by every time you left her! I was the one who was here to hear you bitch and moan about how she treated you, about how you didn’t want to be with her! What about how you treated her?! Did you ever stop to think that you might be causing her pain?”

He started to hurt inside and he didn’t know why, or he tricked himself into thinking he didn’t. His heart felt everything, though; he knew exactly why, inside, he was beginning to feel pain. And he also knew he deserved it. He reached for her, to try to console her or calm her down, but she swiftly knocked his hand away, and, consequently, knocked his reality off balance.

“NO! Don’t touch me!” Her words had such a ferocity, a scorned strength, that he had to step back. She stepped back for a moment and looked down, her tears dropping to the floor, when she noticed a singular drop fall from his eyes. She looked back up to see his eyes brimming with tears. “What about how you treated me? You constantly pushed me away when I tried to be there for you and you wouldn’t let me. Every time I tried to be happy for you or even make you happy, I was the one cast away.”

“I’m…” she heard him mutter in the car. She quizzically raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry…” he said to her, reaching for her hand. This time, she complied, but the hands he held weren’t the ones which gracefully touched his lips or embraced him when he was sad. These hands were lifeless and cold. “I’m so sorry.” He whimpered and looked down, and soon, he was on his knees, still holding her hands.

Her mind raced with things to say. “I’m sorry doesn’t work this time,” or “That’s not good enough for me,” or even “…I hate you.” But all she did was let his hands go. Then they fell to the floor, as lifeless as hers, as she stepped out the room. She walked down the hall, out the door, and she was resolved on never seeing him again, even though the one thing that resonated in her heart above all as she cried on her walk back home was…

“I love you. Please don’t hurt me… I want to try again.”

And still there they were, sitting cold inside the car.

“I’m…” he managed to mutter again.

“You’re what?” she asked, a little indignantly “You’re sorry?”

He nodded slightly, then suddenly shook his head. She just started at him, now really confused. What was he trying to say?

“I love you…” he had finally told her, after months of them playing around with each others’ hearts. After all they had gone through, he finally told her, and she had never hurt so much in her life.

“Goodbye…” was all she said as she opened the door and walked out into the rain. And all he did was die a little inside as he fell asleep in his cold, and now lonely, car, never wanting to wake up again.

Man...

I hate you because you hurt me and I might, just might, have a chance with someone good, someone that I had no other choice but to get to know because I wanted him and I didn't try (hard) because he was with someone. I hate you because if he reads any of this it could severely hurt any chance I ever had with him, because this shit never looks good on anyone's resume. I hate you because I want and need closure but I know I shouldn't. You are causing some major problems over some shit that is no where close to important.

In truth, I don't really hate you. You just really pissed me off. And I swear to God if I had a chance with him and I lose it because of shit you made me feel, I and you will never forget this.

Ugh, great. Now I sound like a crazy bitch.

Who Are You?

A friend of mine just posted something on Facebook about thinking about people, wondering if you catch yourself thinking of someone and what they're doing, or whether someone does that for you. It was sweet. I made the list haha, and it made my heart swoon. So, I think I'll do the same...

Here's to you:

Mom, Dad, Mom(haha), Brian, Keith, Lauren, John, Bri, Heaven, Granny, Granny, and Granny, Papa, Bubba, Billy, Aunt Annie, Uncle Bruce, Uncle Greg, Aunt Cynthia, Dean, Gail, Gin, Jessica, Queen, Derrica, Dashelle, Efin, Annabelle Rector, Kyle Anderson, Kyle Lovett, Jeremiah Smith, Maggie and Molly Carroll, Taylor Pennington, Tyler Bjornson, Alan Nguyen, Brady Duncan, Zack Kruger, Suzie Q, Mama Sam, Brittany Quire, Alex Giannavola, Mitchel Corbett, Ryan Engle, Cameron Backus, Beau Turner, Aaron Killingsworth, Scott Hulsey, Gurrie Frisbie, Casey Jo Burnett, David Beavers, Colby Bennett, Collin Davies, Jody Carson, Anthony Williams, Brandon Snider, Matt Bristow, Yukiko Taylor, Jamie Simpson, Jess Fisher, Jen Cooper, Pam McCoy, Joy Hinson, Jenn Eakin, Kerry Williams, Cortney McDonald, Derrick Jones, Derrick Johnson, Stephanie Drangle, Irem Duyar, Angelica Mercado, Mindy Mann, Brandi Mosier, Jessica Bennett, April Kennedy, David Beavers, Blair Wright, and Clermon Acklin

I know I run the risk of hurting some people's feelings, but these people have all made life livable at some point or another. They've been the ones most responsible for helping create the person that people know today, and for helping me realize just what within me is good. I appreciate you all, I promise. And to others, I appreciate you too because you all have affected who I was and who I became. And that, in itself, is your greatest gift to me.

Thank you, Thank God, from the bottom of my heart.

Seriously? Seriously.

Back to my theory... Wait, back to the common knowledge of me being an attractive male (sorry, modesty and humility aside, it's getting to be psychologically necessary for me to say such things)...

What in the hell is the boy thinking?!

I've exhausted the possibilities of this situation. Sure, I could not be getting each and every one of his txts except for when he replies to mine (sometimes not even that). Sure, I could be missing each and every one of his phone calls. Hell no. I'm not stupid damnit. If he wanted to talk to me, he has more than one method. So I'm done. It just angers me that I spent time chasing him, at all, to get absolutely nothing.

I'm actually trying to not sound so self-absorbed (even though it is hard), but as I become more aware of a) what I want, b) what I'm worth, and c) the more I start to love myself (in that good, self-assuring way), the more I notice that some of the other fish in the sea are swimming in my direction. Like I've said before, I put him on a pedestal, and I thought he'd be different. But he wasn't. He wasn't any different for me.

Maybe we should try being friends another time when I'm not the only one who actually is trying.