Self-Hatred

Landslide has done it to me again.

Somewhere along the line, I got the message that I'm not supposed to like myself. I am not the default. I'm Black, so I'm not as smart. I'm gay, so I can't get married and I can't be a real man. I don't have a religion, so I'm going to Hell. None of my friends and family ever told me any of this (besides the messages, implicit and explicit, about being gay).

I've had self-esteem issues for a long time, it's just I've learned to hide them well. I had to teach myself what self-love is and what it feels like, no one could do that for me. All my life I've been 'different' from other people, and at some point it really got to me. I honestly felt I couldn't be loved as a gay man because I'm Black, that I couldn't be accepted by anyone because I'm Black and gay. There are days where I don't wake up loving myself. Why do you think I care so much about my appearance?

Because if someone loves the outside, maybe, just maybe, they'll love the inside.

We live in a country and a world where we have to teach ourselves to love ourselves. Self-acceptance is an elusive goal. We are constantly being told that if something was different, we'll be more accepted. If I could just wear better clothes, if I could be smarter, if I could be White, if I could be straight, if I could be Christian: if I could, then someone would love me. Right?

I don't know how many of you grew up with these messages, or if you did at all. But I did, and it's taken a lot of work to get around them, but to also make sure that I didn't do the same to anyone else. When I was 12, I made fun of a girl for having big lips (which is all sorts of ironic). Then a bunch of boys one day came up to me to tell me I'm gay, eventually passing around a petition, signing their names, as another declaration of the fact. I've been on the receiving and giving ends.

I'm writing from an emotional state, so I feel a bit all over the place, but my point stands. At one point or another, I've hated myself. That's no way to live, and sometimes this is no world to live in.

Implicit

I'm going to get into some trouble for this one, but that is neither here nor there.

I believe that racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, ageism, and all those various isms exist. I mean, I'm Black and gay; to not believe in such things gives real credence to the idea that 'ignorance is bliss.' However, all of these forms of discrimination have taken on another form. One that is not easy to discover, see, or understand. One that is constantly defended as a natural part of our status quo. These are all implicit, institutionalized, quiet, and sometimes 'innocent.'

Racism today does not look like racism of 50 years ago. Homophobia has seeped into our language in seemingly benign ways. Now you have to dig for them. However, trouble arises in that, when you dig, sometimes you think you've found something significant when it isn't, or other times people don't accept your message.

'This is the way things are,' or 'It was all innocent,' or the very common, 'It was a joke. Lighten up!' I see this especially among video game players and comic fans. Many people turn a blind eye to the extreme lack of representation of various minority groups and women, or benignly accept how these people are portrayed. And let someone raise awareness to this fact; if you do so, you have a veritable shitstorm on your hands for 'Making race an issue' or 'Looking for things that aren't there.'

Some of this is based on perception. Sometimes, if you don't see it, you just don't. However, that's why the implicit nature of these forms of discrimination is dangerous. If you don't question, you don't find anything. When you do question, you find more than what is there. But it is these same forms of implicit discrimination that is at the root of the belief that Black men are lazy, women aren't as strong as men, and the idea that comics and video games are for boys. We accept these as our daily life, not bothering to wonder if things could be better. Nor do we question how we help sustain such deplorable systems.

I have a feeling people are always going to tell me I'm looking for things that aren't there. I don't care. I'd rather be wrong some of the time than to lower my awareness when it comes to forces within our society that do us no justice (and often affect the justice system) and that support the idea that, based on different characteristics, some people are lesser or some things are only for some people.

ABCs of Gaming!

Here we go! A change from the usual social awareness stuff :)

A – Angry Birds

B – Bayonetta

C – Chrono Trigger

D – DDRMax2

E – Elite Beat Agents

F – Final Fantasy XIII

G – Gardening Mama

H – Hercules

I – Inu Yasha: The Secret of the Cursed Mask

J – Just Dance 2

K – Kingdom Hearts

L – Legend of Mana

M – Marvel Ultimate Alliance

N – Ninja Gaiden

O – Oddworld: Abe’s Odyssey

P – Pokemon

Q - Qbert

R – Robopon

S – Super Scribblenauts

T – Tatsunoko vs Capcom

U – Unlimited Saga

V – Virtua Fighter

W – The World Ends with You

X – X-men: Mutant Academy

Y – YuGiOh! World Championship 2004

Z – Zombies Ate My Neighbors!

Nothing

I call myself nothing because religion nor atheism, often considered the two opposing poles in belief systems, can answer questions. Yet, I am scared to call myself 'Nothing' because people will force labels on me. They'll tell me I really believe in God, or that I'm not a real atheist, though this is the closest to what I am by choice.

I am nothing because I don't know how hate can exist and people can justify it with God and say that it is plan, though I respect and admire those whose faith remains strong in God, Allah, or whomever despite such pain, strife, and struggling among those who share our genus and species.

I am nothing because I choose to be nothing. I am quieter with no voices talking, with no searching but that which takes place in the journey I am willfully embarking on to improve my life and, by extension, improve the lives of others.

I am Nothing. Forever, I will tell you I am Nothing.

Nothing provides answers, and, even within its amorphous cloud, provides solace.

Landslide

Writing this as I fulfill my Research Assistant duties. I can't get it off my mind.

Last night's Glee featured Santana 'coming out' (I use quotes because Santana doesn't want to be labelled) to Brittany and expressing her love for her. She bared her soul and talked about her fear of what people would think about her if she and Brittany were together. How could that not hit home?

They sang the song 'Landslide' together, and whether you are a child of the Fleetwood Mac or Dixie Chicks version, it's still a beautiful song. For a long time, it's meant a lot to me, but I never knew why. So, maybe I'll give it meaning.

For one, it speaks to me because it talks about change. Sometimes I am okay with change. I, like John Mayer, and readily 'Waiting on the World to Change.' I want things to be better for me. I want to legally marry Z wherever the hell we are one day and have the same legal benefits. I also want the world to be better for others. I don't want my little sisters to fall into the gender socialization of girls and women because I hate it; I want them to be stronger, and I want to create a world that more readily and willingly enables girls and women to be strong. I want my transgender brothers and sisters (forgive me if concrete gender terms are not appropriate here) to have the same benefits as me, for it is a shame how we treat them. There are a lot of things I want.

However, this song carries another great importance: I was listening to it around the time I was dealing with my own sexual orientation. Living in the South with religious parents doesn't make an easy time for trying to deal with and accept your sexuality. I didn't know who to talk to or where to go. In some ways, I am still dealing with accepting my sexual orientation today. I feel like I cast the image that I'm comfortable with it and that I'm confident in it. Sometimes I am. But other times I'm still scared to talk about it with people I don't know, because I'm scared they may judge me. I've been scared of going to hell, and I've been scared of losing my parents, my friends and my family.

I have been scared of changing because I've built my life around different things. My family, my friends, and God at one point. For me, being gay brought a fear of what would happen to me. What would I lose?

This song has always brought out some pretty strong emotions for me, and I'm not always sure why. The aforementioned things could be it, or it could be something nameless and ambiguous, but still powerful. The thoughts and feelings above just happen to relate.

I think, maybe, a Landslide has already happened. I'm not sure if I've re-invented myself, grown, or both. I can say that I'm in a much better place, and I want to try to create a space that is even better in the future. Change is sometimes a very scary thing for me, and the anxiety that comes from changing is something worth conquering rather than trying to escape.

Pretty _____ Rock

Do the Pretty ____ Rock. Now what's yo name?

On the surface, this song is a manifesto for all the Pretty Girls everywhere. Stand up! Be heard! I'm pretty! This premise I have trouble with. It places much weight and importance on being Pretty, which is not something everyone has but it's something that we are told to aspire to, more directly to girls but more covertly to boys (which I think is an especially insidious form of broadcasting a message for many reasons). However, I think there's something more to be said.

If looked at another way, this song is saying Stand up! Be heard! I am _____ and I am fucking proud. Where once I'd ask you not to take it away, now I'm telling you you won't take it away. In the immortal words of Ephie White: And I am telling you I'm not going.

Everyone deserves a manifesto like this. Kanye gets one for assholes and douchebags. Keri gets one for Pretty Girls. Where's my anthem for being Black? For aspiring to be a good man? For being a Gay man? I know some of these songs are out there, and if you know any, PLEASE send them my way. In the meantime, use the blank I have provided for you. Insert whoever you are and however many 'who's there are (I may post on this idea, aka multiple social identity).

I think it'd be cool to stand there, together, wherever 'there' is, united and strong. White. Black. Gay. Transgender. Bisexual. Hispanic. Asian. French. Arabic. Jewish. Disabled. Young. Old. Man. Woman. Adult. Child. Whoever.

Why don't we capitalize on the opportunity to find ourselves beautiful, or, for the purposes of this post, Pretty? We don't all have the chance. I wish we did. Everyone deserves to feel like a Pretty ______, provided there are exclusions. I'm working from idealism here, and I know that, but I stand by it.

Beautiful

This was a comment on Yahoo Answers in response to a question asking whether or not atheists are grateful for their lives. The original question is rather patronizing, misinformed and presumptuous in all of the wrong ways. It is reproduced here.

"Grateful" is a synonym for "thankful". Are atheists ever thankful they were born human? That they were born intelligent? (because let's face it...atheists ARE intelligent...albeit misguided) That they were born TALENTED?

Are they THANKFUL? And if they ever feel that thankfulness, who exactly is it they're thanking? Because being thankful means you WANT TO THANK somebody...the same "somebody" whom you so cavalierly describe as "an invisible sky friend".

Are you ever thankful...EVER...when an IMPOSSIBLE situation for you suddenly, and for no apparent reason, turns out okay, even if you "don't believe" in this "invisible sky friend"?

However, this particular response is beautiful. Why can't more people see the world this way?

I feel and notice that theists and atheists have basically all the same experiences in life. Theists assume they have a very different life because of their theism. Atheists assume they have a very different life because of their atheism. Each side assumes they are living a far superior live. But here's the truth: no matter which way you go--theist or atheist--you remain human, all human, and nothing but human. You live a human life, with all the possible joys and miseries that go with that. No human can escape being human. Theists and atheists are not really different, no matter the fact that both sides are generally very sure that they are very different. But that is just all vanity, illusions, smoke and dust.

Power Sets

So, in a discussion with @GameTavernNews on Twitter, I told him my possible power sets for a hero (undoubtedly based on myself :D). Here they are!

1) Flight, telepathy, empathy and energy blasts

These powers might better be explained as the synthesis of two parents' powers. The father is able to manipulate energy and the mother has high level psychic abilities (telepathy). He inherited both powers from his parents and flies using energy manipulation (pushing the energy under him a la Dragonball Z [see: Gohan teaching Videl how to fly]). His brother inherited powers more from the father, but that manifest as teleportation (he can transform things into energy and he is able to "manipulate" the location of the resultant energy).

2) Flight, hard light construction/manipulation

The flight works here by using light energy. The hard light comes from taking this energy and making it visible and tangible. The user is able to create only one shape (an eight pointed star) but eventually learns to make other shapes. He can also manipulate the forms to create shields around objects and people. These hard light forms also take on offensive capabilities in that they can be willed to explode on contact or by delayed reaction (expansion of the light energy)

3) Visible psychic energy

I imagine the color to be blue, more than likely for a hero named Blue. These visible psychic powers manifest as telekinesis and telepathy. Energy surrounds objects, much like Lantern Corps energy to move them. Telepathy works by energy connecting to another organism's brain to enable communication or allow the user to control the organism. He is able to use this visible energy to make forcefields and is also able to propel bolts of energy as an offensive technique.

Race and Superheroes

I couldn't let this sit.

I read a ComicVine forum on some people being upset that John Stewart wasn't the Green Lantern for the upcoming movie. According to the quotes posted, some people thought a white man shouldn't be cast. Why? Well, they were accustomed to the Justice League cartoon, which featured John Stewart rather than Hal Jordan. I loved it; it was nice seeing a Black man as one of my favorite heroes. However, I like most of the GLs, save for Guy Gardner, so I would have been happy with any of them.

The question proposed by the article/forum was: Does race matter in casting superheroes? And, even as fired up as I am right now, I can only say yes and no.

I think some of the comments brought up good points in that some heroes like Storm and Black Panther shouldn't have race changes in other media because their race is integral to their identity. I would argue the same for Echo, Psylocke, Banshee, and the Huntress as their races or ethnicities are an integral and evident part of their personalities and characterization. However, others, like the Trinity for DC, may not change based on the race of the actor/actress portraying them.

I think there could be a Black Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman. I don't see much in their histories that absolutely says they must be portrayed by a white character. I'm not clear on Amazons in Greek mythology and what ethnicity they're supposed to be, but I would just assume Greek. I think there are many characters whose race is just a matter of fact issue rather than an important part of their identity.

One of the big issues I had with some of the comments was that the assumption that if a character is Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, etc. it shouldn't be changed. As I said before, I think race is integral for some characters. However, I think this assumption promotes the whiteness of superheroes. I harp on this a lot, but a majority of superheroes are White, male, and straight. As comic fans, we should not be so scared of change that we promote ideas like this which perpetuate the status quo. "Don't change what I love!" seems to resound from some fans on many situations, race included. I wonder, though, what a drastic "diversity upheaval" would do.

Of course, this means that minority characters can be portrayed by white actresses and actors if I'm using this logic (which doesn't sit well with me because there is a much smaller number of minority characters by comparison). So, I wonder what this would do, to see a cast of superheroes that is typical an arrangement of different minorities in the comics but primarily white in other media. I'm trying to give thought as to the other side, but I do not promote this idea. I don't think it's racist or discriminatory to try to make typically white characters other races in different media if it does not drastically alter the character, but making typically minority characters white only seems to support a status quo and is a reflection of whitewashing.

This is a hot issue, or maybe I'm deluding myself. But, like I said, I just couldn't sit on this without saying something.

Thanksgiving

You may wonder why I have so much trouble with faith and religion. I've been lucky. My parents aren't the poster children for acceptance, but my mom is on the way and my dad may be, too. I have way more than just one family. I have the love of my life. I have these and so many other things. I am lucky, but I feel like believing in God because I have been lucky is selfish.

Why did he choose to bless me when there are many other people who long for even one of the things I have listed? I wouldn't want to give up my life for a harder one, but I know I could have had one. I don't know if God favors me. I'd be sad if he did because there are whole countries full of people who deserve for more but get far less than I do.

I saw two wrecks on the way to see my family last night. I knew that some family is going to have a less happy Thanksgiving than if the wrecks had not happened. I get a happy Thanksgiving, and some people may not even get one.

I want a spot at my table for people who can't travel, who are separated from their families, who may not have families. I want people in the world to feel about their lives the way I do about mine, good or bad.

I'm thankful for so much. To whom? I'm not sure. I just know that I'm grateful and I need to show it. Maybe one day I can give someone a Thanksgiving dinner, metaphorically or literally, when they otherwise wouldn't have one.

Find something to give thanks for.

Why This Still Matters

As I sit at my desk, I get a wonderful, thought provoking idea that I cannot pass up. Thank God my advisor does not have much to put on my plate today; I (more or less) have the opportunity to get this off my mind.

I did my senior thesis on comic books (Social Interest and the Supervillain). There were some points where I felt I should have done something different. Why? Well, because I felt I was doing the Black and the gay community a disservice by not focusing the best chance to funnel my academic skill and resources (thesis) into a project relating to one or both of these demographics. Again, why? Must I always promote the progression of the Black or gay or Black and gay community? Must my efforts always go toward goals of any of these communities? Where, if there is any, is there room for me to express my passions and desires as an individual rather than a member of a group? The answer is complicated.

My Theories of Psychotherapy book mentioned a quote from one of the author's patients, which basically outlined the pressure for Black academicians to take up arms in a Black cause or promote Black history. The client felt that he could not pursue his passion, History, without being called a traitor by not focusing on Black issues. He then asked his counselor if he ever felt that pressure as a White male. The counselor replied that no, he did not feel that pressure.

So, now, in my first semester of grad school, why am I burning with the passion to do something for Black people, LGBT people, LGBT people of color, and any disenfranchised group I can get my hands on? First, there is a lack of psychological literature on people in many different demographics. I want this to change. We need to learn how to address the unique problems that many unique people face, all the while keeping in mind that "humans are like all people, some people, and no other person" (forgive me for the misquote). I want to start groups, attend conferences and generally foster inclusion and acceptance of all people.

However, I feel like advocacy and research are my "ticket" in. I will finally be accepted by groups I have never truly felt I fit into (we've covered this). I will make connections with gay people, Black people, and many others and finally feel accepted. I'm doing this out of a desire for the welfare and informed knowledge of other groups, but also out of a need to find acceptance and connection.

I believe that race is still a pertinent issue and will continue to be one, and, no, not because I'm making it one. The day we can all rise up and forget the overt and covert racism, homophobia, sexism, and the many other 'isms of the past and work to undo the damage they have caused is the day I'll give up my fight. There is racism in the gay community. Transgendered people do not find the same level of acceptance that even I do. There is much we need to change and much we need to address.

My Issues with New Avengers

1). Spider-Man and Wolverine: Why do Wolverine and Spider-Man get dual membership in New and the main Avengers? Are they that important? I made the comment that Spider-Man isn't cool. I said that out of anger and I wish Peter Parker was real so I could apologize in person. However, he is not. I don't like him and Wolverine on any Avengers team. I do not like change. To me, there is something about them that is better served in a solo series (Spidey) and with the X-Men (Wolvie). I feel like they are only on the team to generate money because they are popular Marvel characters.

2) Carol has been B-Listed: Again. She deserves a solo title. She deserves to be on the Avengers team. I feel as though she has proved herself and she tried HARD to reinvent herself after House of M. She's also a good and capable leader. So, why is she constantly treated as second in command? Do the other Avengers doubt her that much?

3) The death of Doctor Voodoo: I actually found this a bit disrespectful. A Black man is Sorcerer Supreme, one of the most important parts of the Marvel universe. And (spoiler alert) he just died. Really? People actually DO get upset when prominent minority (sexual orientation, gender, race) characters get killed.

4) The story: Eh. Kinda weak. It didn't draw me in. It was a little confusing and I'm still not sure what happened (the lackluster ending does not help).

5) Issue 6's banner: ONE OF THESE AVENGERS WILL DIE! Just not a fan of this type of teaser.

6) Carol: I'm totally a Carol Danvers fanboy. I cannot lie. But imagine if SHE had tested her mettle in that mystical battle? Or anyone but Wolverine for that matter. I think it would have shown so much more resolve if she, Bobbi, Luke or Jessica had fought the battle. It would have shown so much more character and strength if one of these characters had fought. But no, Wolverine fought the freaking battle.

I know I got all rant-y, but the last issue had me a little upset. I'm leaving myself open to a bit of criticism, and I feel I must be prepared for any comments that may arise. I just wish this title was better, though I don't know what better means :/

Prologue - NaNoWriMo

On a whim, I decided to do NaNoWriMo. I think it'll be fun :) Here's the prologue to my story! Tentative title is: Struck. I sincerely hope it's not as sucky as I feel it is.

Prologue

I always considered our world to be “normal.” There is a reason that superheroes don’t exist. There is a reason that all of my fantasies about being a superhero won’t come true. There are times when I’m so lost in them, I can feel the power surges. I can feel the rush of adrenaline when I think of saving the world or fighting a random villain causing mass chaos in my general vicinity. However, my fantasy stops. I am still in the real world. I’m not going to get superpowers.

So, watching the news with my boyfriend, I never expected this day to come. There had been news of a meteor potentially crashing down to earth. What did I think? Was my life going to be all Deep Impact or something? No. As far as I know, the meteor is going to land somewhere in Africa. Yes, it is the motherland, but I’m not particularly concerned about the crash site. Maybe there was a tribe living there; maybe animals; maybe an expanse of wilderness. However, I am too disconnected to use any of my empathy or sympathy to care.

We brace ourselves, as little as we need to, for the impact. We don’t know what is going to happen, whether or not the meteor would or could trigger an extinction event. Scientists proposed that the meteor large enough to do damage to the earth where it landed, or was supposed to land. If it happened to land in the ocean, well, crisis averted. It would create minor tidal waves.

So, as we sit on the couch on this boring Thursday night watching “Meteor 2011,” I wonder what change, if any will come. How exactly is my life going to be affected by this? As the meteor grows closer to the atmosphere, a slight apprehension grows in my body. I feel more and more tense as the celestial body gets closer. There are cameras from satellites in space, news crews near the projected site of impact.

“Are you okay?” Jamie asked.

“Yeah?” I wasn’t sure why he was asking that question.

“Well, you don’t really look like you are.”

“Oh.” I must have been grimacing. I straighten my expression. The more we watch the meteor coverage, the more tension I feel, like something was constricting my body. And, when the meteor finally strikes the atmosphere, my eyes fly open. It feels like a shockwave. My ears are ringing and I can feel myself let out a scream, but I can’t hear it or Jamie frantically trying to figure out what’s wrong. I fall to the ground, holding my head. I almost miss the meteor splitting off into five parts. The reporters are speechless for a moment, gathering what to say before reporting what is happening

Between the pain and the awe at the meteorites, I don’t know what to do with myself. However, my body does: everything goes black. I awake less than an hour later, feeling fine. Jamie greets me with a glass of water, an expression of mixed relief and worry on his face. He tells me where the meteors landed; there was coverage from all over the globe. One in Antarctica, Africa, America, Japan, and Turkey.

McCanceGate

I do not consider this a victory. For one small man from a small town from Arkansas, almost the butthole of Ameria, to be lambasted and eventually resign from his post is no big feat. I don't know if he should have been fired. I don't know if he should have resigned. I do know that what he said was deplorable and the outcry that followed is what he deserved. Though I know the inevitable anxiety that would await me, I'd want someone to correct me if I said something offensive, too. But him no longer being part of the school board is not something I think is a big win.

Yes, this whole event shows that we won't put up with people saying things like that anymore. But now, those people who do and say hateful things will step away from the spotlight and therefore away from scrutiny. They will continue to talk this way and teach their children the same hateful things from the privacy of their homes. Where, then, is our victory?

What about Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Pat Roberson who get away with saying hateful and misinformed things all the time? Where is their fall? Where is our victory in our battle with big captains, not lonely privates? Why are they still able to disseminate all that they do to awaiting audiences?

I don't like supporting small causes that I feel don't get anything done. I won't boycott Target because the company gives money to an anti-gay legislator. Why? I don't think it solves our problem. We sure as hell aren't showing Target who's boss because Target is still boss. I feel like we fight so many futile battles for the sake of rights. I want to marry my boyfriend one day. I want to adopt kids. I don't want to be discriminated against because I am black and gay. Now, how the hell does taking down Clint McCance solve ANY of those problems for me? I don't believe his apology was genuine. I feel like he dodged questions. And he resigned. So what? He's probably just as bitter as ever about this whole situation. I saw a commentor write that he still owns small businesses and that McCance should be begging on the street for money. How far do we have to go and are we willing to go to get our rights and recognition?

I wish, like many other LGBTQQA individuals, that I could revel in this and believe that a change is coming. But, I don't. I don't consider this a victory. There is far, far too much work left to do.

And how am I going to be part of the Dream that Martin Luther King, Jr. had? How am I going to be part of the solution?

Ex-Gay

There are many reasons that even the term ex-gay can rile me up, independent of the ideologies and beliefs that are behind it. First, I believe that sexuality is fluid, but I also believe that it has a core. We identify ourselves as a certain sexual orientation because it helps categorize us, but also because we find that the words heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual ring true to us (please forgive me for the circular logic).

However, I also hate the term ex-gay and all things that pertain to it because I feel like it is an invalidation of an identity that I did not want in any way, shape, form or fashion but that I now like and want to love. It entails change from sexual orientation. Where was that 7 years ago when I was scared to even mention the word gay to my friends and family for fear that I would lose absolutely everything? I often ask myself, 'If people find change so possible, then where is my change? Why did God not answer my prayers to make me straight?' I prayed hard for a while that I would change, that I would be 'normal'. No one should ever have to do that. No one should ever feel like they need to change in order to be loved.

There really are times that I don't understand my own feelings. I could not classify myself as 100% homosexual. I have no desire to carry on a sexual relationship with a woman, but there's that tiny thought that, like when I was 14 and 15, things could change, that I would have to re-establish myself one more time and let go of someone I cherish so much, even if being straight made my life easier.

I don't believe that people can change their sexuality. They can change their behavior, but not who they are. With that said, I also don't believe it's right to stand in the way of someone who wants to change their sexuality. That is their choice. If they are happy later in life because of trying to change, then I think it's worth it for them. However, it is not worth it for me. I don't believe the bunk that I cannot be fundamentally happy because I'm gay and because I'm deluding myself. I've battled with the idea that my life isn't whole and isn't complete because I haven't devoted it to God and because I'm gay. I still fight with it. But I know myself, and enough of psychology, to know that I don't have to beat myself up for being gay and wanting, for once and finally, to be gay and love who I am.

Ms. Marvel: Binaries

Eh, it's a tentative title, but one I would possibly use for a Ms. Marvel video game. To me, Carol Danvers is THE leading lady of Marvel. I love and adore her and I believe she deserves her time in the spotlight.

About three years ago, I played Marvel Ultimate Alliance for the first time and discovered a new character. "Who the hell is Ms. Marvel?" I tried her out anyway and found out I LOVE her. Her power and skill sets were what I'd wish for (save for any psychic abilities). The more research I did, the more I found I liked her. Over the years I've asked myself "Why is Carol often B-Listed? Why is she on the back burner?" Though this is not a post about feminism or the lack of strong female representation as compared to male in mainstream comics, I do think that it is an issue.

To get to the matter at hand, if I designed a Ms. Marvel video game, I'd more than likely make it a side-scrolling beat-em-up game. I miss the format and think it would be cool to bring it back. I imagine Carol doing a pre-stage pose or something like a quick one-liner or walking onto the screen in her civvies and then quickly changing into her costume. I also imagine using instrumentals from Kylie Minogue's music as background music.

That's basically all I have. I don't have a story lined up, though I'd probably make a villain specifically for the game. But given the chance, I would love to design/make a Ms. Marvel video game. She deserves it.

Offensive

So, we have another instance of what some people call homophobia. I'm sure people may not agree with me on what I'm about to say, and from what I've searched, only a couple (seriously) of people are on my side. What I consider my vocal opposition is winning out.

Michael Catherwood of E! made a remark about Adam Lambert in response to potential battery charges for Mr. Lambert in regards to a "run-in" with a paparazzo, stating, "From what I know about jail, Mr. Lambert probably wouldn't have too bad a time." I thought it was funny. Lambert responded by calling out Catherwood and fans responded by alerting GLAAD. Catherwood then made an apology via Twitter. Now if this turns out like a certain celebrity star's fiasco (Hello, Ryan Leslie!), then I'll quickly label Catherwood a raging douche. But, as it stands, he made a joke. If he needs to issue an apology, Daniel Tosh (whom I also love) may need to be sued.

Now, I would like to say before I go shower for talking about minor celebrity gossip (yes, I do feel dirty, but that may be the post-workout talking), I'm not for defending Catherwood. I am, however, for calling out organizations like GLAAD (whom I actually do appreciate for most of their work) and people like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton (...let's not get started) for constantly crying racism or homophobia. They seem to not exercise much discretion in picking their battles. Catherwood is an easy target. How about we hit Christine O'Donnell for calling homosexuality an "Identity Disorder" or Fred Phelps in freaking general.

I am a firm believer that constantly calling homophobia, racism, or sexism isn't making people more aware, nor helping us progress as a society. In fact, I think it pushes us back. Yes, we need to be aware of insensitivity, but we don't always need to make an outcry or force people to make apologies. I also don't like that Adam Lambert's fans jumped on a bandwagon to support him; I don't feel like the fans are necessarily supporting gay rights. If Justin Bieber or the Jonas Brothers were insulted, a lot of fans would do the same because they are fans, not to act in the welfare of someone else who might have been insulted or disrespected as a result.

I don't know why I feel so passionate (or possibly obsessed) about this issue, but it raises some concerns. Let's teach our children NOT to act this way or make insensitive comments instead of crying foul when the slightest thing happened. We have bigger and better targets to pursue; to me, these little battles mean nothing. Score one for gay rights? No. Score publicity for Adam Lambert, E! and Michael Catherwood? Definitely.

Also, I don't like Adam Lambert, so I am biased, but I'd stand my ground if the issue involved anyone else (John Mayer didn't offend me when he said the n-word; I just thought it was fucking stupid).

Let's pick our battles. There are such things as institutionalized and/or covert racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. Crying foul isn't going to teach people what these things are; it will only polarize them. Teaching people to be more accepting and aware without making people issue half-hearted apologies is.

Batman and Adlerian Psychology

I'd LOVE to do this as a longer and in-depth analysis, but here's Batman at a glance through Adlerian psychology:

Batman is one of the most recognizable superheroes today, but many may not know that he has issues with emotional distance and trust. He keeps himself preoccupied with fighting and solving crimes (self-absorption), but keeps himself at a distance from others. What is interesting about Batman is that he uses his striving for superiority to save Gotham City and the world at large. He also can be said to have a high level of social interest (he works to save others, he has taken many wards under his wing and supported them, he refuses to kill). He seems to be unaffected by his status as an only child and a very wealthy man. However, his trust issues still stand.

Batman’s main struggles come in the form of mistrusting others, including those whom he should logically trust, problems with intimacy, and secrecy. A major theme of Batman’s behavior comes from Adler’s idea of compensation: When he was young, he lost his parents to a gunman whose identity he did not know for many years. This event had a major effect on his desire to help others because he felt as though he could not help himself or his parents when they died. Interestingly, Batman does not show more of the maladaptive aspects of having a pampered lifestyle as an only child; he uses the events that had transpired in his life to save others. He already has prosocial goals, but these goals are simultaneously self-absorbing. The issues of trust may have developed after years of fighting crime, making Batman fearful of revealing his identity to others as a means to exploit him (Jezebel Jet) or harm those he loves. These issues have interfered in his relationship with Selina Kyle (Catwoman) and other superheroes, including an incident where he created “contingency files” in the case that any of his fellow members of the Justice League went rogue.

The first step in helping Batman overcome his trust and intimacy issues is to do a lifestyle analysis to see if he has any cognitive mistakes. I can imagine that one mistake would be his holding most people at a distance (save for a small number). It may also be helpful to try the “as if” or “push button” technique. He can act “as if” he is a trusting individual when it comes to relationships with other women, though I could imagine he may be resistant to such a technique. He can also “push the button” on feelings of trust he has for people like Dick Grayson (Nightwing), Alfred, or Commissioner Gordon. He has been let down by many people in his life, and Jezebel Jet provides an unfortunate example as to why he may not trust some love interests. Batman may take a more in-depth analysis as to what techniques may help him the most. In the meantime, these may be a good first step.

Introspection v. 1.0

Not sure if this is going to be a regular thing, but I think it'd be cool, whether on here or in a written journal (my Goal Book is the current home). Anywho, I took some time to just think. That's it. Think. I needed it. I needed to get some things off my chest, whether or not it was to someone else.

After the break-up, my self-esteem and self-worth took a great hit. I didn't even realize it until recently. When I see an attractive guy, I go "Ooooh damn..." then I go "He'd never want me..." Of course, pining after straight men doesn't help, but I won't talk to anyone. Not because I'm a wimp, but because I don't think anyone will take me. I almost feel like no one wants me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worth the love. But why? My self-worth is not contingent upon a man's love or attention. I know this. So why am I not acting like it? Why am I not taking charge of my life, my love life? There is also the issue of auto-sabotage. I feel like anything I start is destined to fail because I will make it fail. I will find the smallest doubt, the smallest insecurity, and magnify it 'til where I can't deal with it anymore. My standards have been impossibly high, even though I'm looking like nobody's business. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I love being alone. I hate being lonely. The catch is that I'll search and search but knock people off my list. I don't want to be lonely, but I'm not willing to find the next random guy to make me feel whole. I refuse to let anyone in my life that isn't up to my (impossibly high) standards.

Other than that, I realized just how much things have changed for Z and I. I'm at a much more comfortable place with the whole situation. Of course our end was amicable. Sad, but amicable. Last night we talked for a bit and it was nice, but I see where we both are headed as people. We aren't going to be best friends. We aren't going to share every detail of our lives. We'll just be friends. It's weird to think about, but it also gives me a sense of resolution. I think that chapter's just about done, if not over, and now I feel like any decisions I've made regarding it.... They stand. No more uncertainty.

So, with all that being said...

Until Further Notice,

Allen

There's a Reason

I knew there was a reason I changed the name of this blog. It was previously "Auriel's Kataomoi" or Auriel's Unrequited Love (kataomoi = unrequited love in Japanese). Auriel was to be my pen name, but that is neither here nor there (I've been saying that a lot lately). But I wanted to turn away from that. I basically said to myself, "Quit being so damn emo." But that was it, I started this blog to talk about unreciprocated, unrequited love. I needed some place to go, because I don't talk to people, not about this. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn't go sleep with someone else (I know you know that reference).

But I changed the name to "Until Further Notice" because that statement has a lot of use. Until further notice, I may not be okay. I am not whole, though I endeavor to be. I am looking for love, though I am most assuredly not finding it (and possibly pushing it away: to be discussed in the next post). Until further notice, until I let you know something changed, this is the state of my world.

I like this blog as an outlet. Yeah, I kinda do it for attention because I like attention and LOVE when people comment. But I also do it because there are a lot of things swirling in my head that I want to get out there and I don't know who to talk to about them. Those things range from politics to love to loneliness (next post) to religion and a wide variety of things.

There is a reason I do a lot of things. I wish I could say I pride myself on knowing my exact reasons, but I am no where near that congruent, though I am working on it. So...

Until Further Notice,

Allen