Identity

I've recently gone through a pretty big change. My boyfriend and I broke up after a little over a year together. So, I've taken this time to reinvent myself, to change some things. In the midst of my latest revamp, I still have to take time to cope and heal, so I went on a shopping trip. Hello retail therapy. Well, I found a cute pair of glasses at Claire's and couldn't and wouldn't skip the opportunity. I've gotten a lot of compliments and a lot of questions of prescription, but I love them. The only catch is that they don't feel like a true part of my identity.

I think it is something that will come in time. I want them to be a permanent accessory. But when I feel them, see the frames, and look in the mirror, I feel like a different person. So, with the glasses I almost get to pretend, I get to be someone else with different problems and concerns when I have them on. When I take them off, I'm Allen again. All of this, of course, got me thinking about one of the most famous people who could change his identity with just a pair of glasses: Clark Kent.

Of course, we are all like "How the hell does no one notice? All he does is takes his glasses off!" And I think that argument is always going to hold. But think of someone you know who does not wear glasses, jewelry, a uniform and then put these things on them. They, even if for an instant, look like a different person. My customers almost don't recognize me in public because I'm not wearing an apron. This works in the opposite direction as well. Sometimes when we change a physical aspect of someone, we change our perception of that person's identity. Sometimes that person may do the same (I seem to remember an episode of Paranoia Agent where a woman with three distinct personalities all wore different clothes when they surfaced; the idea works in principle).

Maybe the entirety of the DC Universe completely changes their idea of Superman or Clark Kent's idea, though they are one in the same, when he does or does not have glasses on. Maybe Clark is a metaphor for how we can change our own identities by changing our outsides. Put on a pair of glasses, basically something out of your normal, and you can be a different person. Not to escape your reality, for that is impossible. I'm thinking of the much more positive implications of identity changes.

So, until these glasses become a true part of my identity and until I don't need another identity, maybe I'll be Sean. Maybe I'll pretend I'm in another skin and have adventures, because Lord knows I need one.

Racist!

So, is absolutely EVERYTHING racist in some way? If it's a principally black or white cast is THAT racist? If it portrays people in a stereotype is THAT racist?!

People are constantly pointing fingers; THIS is racist! THAT is racist! Sometimes to call something racist you even have to use racist language (ex: me calling the girl cast as Katara a whiny white girl). I'm so tired of this! I'm not even sure it's worth it to be aware of this stuff anymore. When you bring it up some people look at you crazy; some look at you like you should have caught on long ago. Damnit, we need to pick our battles.

We don't have to boycott absolutely everything in order to make racism go away. In fact, boycotting may not even be the key. It may me too late for the older generations to accept and adopt the message of love regardless of the outside (or sometimes inside). But how about teaching our children the difference? How about taking them to see The Last Airbender but at the same time showing them what went wrong with the movie? How about refusing to accept any language that debases another person? How about not using the words honky, cracker, nigger, faggot, chink, dyke, beaner, spick or anything of the like, even as the punchline of a joke? How about that?

We do a lot of raving and ranting about BET and The Last Airbender and how The Real Housewives of ATL are just cancerous sores on what we can call social relations in America. We do a lot of making people feel guilty about watching, supporting, or even thinking certain things. Well, I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to see The Last Airbender. Do I even need to feel guilty at all?

I'm picking my battles and choosing to showcase what I want to see in the world in my ways on my terms.

White Guilt

So, I've just been subjected to White Guilt. I'm not even white.

The Last Airbender has caught a lot of flack about its primarily white casting. The firebenders, who are supposed to be closer to Japanese, are cast as Middle Eastern (Indian if I'm not mistaken). Katara is a whiny little white girl. Sokka is Jasper. No, I don't agree with the casting. But, you know what? I'm still going to see the film.

What I'm doing has "sell-out" written all over it. I hate BET and MTV for their stereotypical portrayals of black people and believe they do a grave disservice to the black community. I love Will & Grace but it very stereotypically portrays gay people. Yet, I'm still going to see The Last Airbender.

Why? I've never believed that low-level boycotts do anything. Someone once said we should boycott Cinemark because its theatres wouldn't show Milk and that one of the execs did not support gay marriage. What happened with that? Cinemark is still in business. They don't seem like they're hurting at all. What was supposed to show Cinemark that we aren't going to take this bullshit did nothing to it at all except help it not make (not necessarily lose) thousands of dollars. It's the same with The Last Airbender. M. Night Shyamalan is still going to make money and (probably shitty) movies. Jasper is still Sokka. Katara is still a whiny white girl. And the movie may still mispronounce Aang's name.

I don't believe this boycott is going to get us anywhere. It is not a mounted assault. It is a small group of people, by comparison to the US population, who are upset about the casting who are going to find whatever way possible to not support this movie. They have that right. Still, I utterly refuse to say that I am support institutionalized racism by going to see the movie. We support all kinds of institutional racism, stereotyping, miscasting, misrepresentation, and delusion on a day to day basis. Comics, tv, movies, music, these media outlets ALL showcase some kind of racial or social misrepresentation on a constant basis. Unfortunately, these may be things that change with time and not instantaneously. If I could spur on this change, I'd like to believe I would, but I'm not going to lie in the chance that I don't.

I'm not a sellout. I'm going to see this movie. It's not going to make me any less of a person. Boycotting the movie does not send a message across in small numbers. If I start seeing riots or mass protests, maybe I'll change my mind.

B-Listed

Ms. Marvel,

I found out about you when I first played Marvel Ultimate Alliance, so I'm much behind the curve. However, I fell in love. I have a thing for strong heroines in comics. Or, strong female figures in general. However, as much as I loved you, I found out that, maybe, few others did.

I'm the only one of my friends who openly touts his admiration from you. In fact, I don't really hear many people talk about you at all. Where are you? You're supposed to be such a strong figure, you were figuring things out for yourself. You were going to put yourself at the top of the world. And you did. Then, issue #50 happened.

So, Ms. Marvel is a part of the New Avengers. I'm not sure exactly what this means, but I feel like she got B-Listed. Again. Cap knows her and how good she is, but maybe my adoration of her is getting out of hand and making me a bit presumptuous. I feel like she deserves a spot next to her friend, Jessica Drew, the Spider-Woman. Though she will share a spot with Jessica Jones, whom I am very glad is returning, she, and maybe Jessica Jones, too, deserve a shining spot. And I'm not talking about the potty-mouthed Alias series (though I did like it).

I think Carol deserves her day, much like Spider-Woman did, especially after all that happened to her. Just, when is she going to get it? Is Bendis going to treat her right in New Avengers? Is she going to be the leader and not just second in command?

Cartol, like I said, you deserve your day. So, maybe, we should have a Ms. Marvel day :)

Someday :)

Avengers Day

I've been waiting for this day since I heard about it. I don't even CARE that there's no one to celebrate with me. I love the Avengers (I've done a bit of a Marvel conversion over the past year...) and enjoy the fact that I get a day to celebrate them. However....

I've been upset about the Avengers lineup for quite some time. Ms. Marvel got B-listed (again), something I will address in the next post. Wolverine and Spider-Man are on TWO Avengers teams. Steve Rogers is just.... Well, Steve Rogers. I think Ms. Marvel is and should be treated like an A-lister. I want Steve as Cap. Wolverine and Spider-Man should stay where they belong (with the X-Men and a solo series, respectively). No, I don't like change, and this post proves it. Of course, especially if I choose to continue reading Avengers, I will have to just shut up or not read it. I'm just not sure how all this is going to go.

There was a lot of hype surrounding Avengers Day and the re-launch of Avengers, but I'm just not sure it delivers. Part of the problem is the use of Spidey and Wolvey, two of Marvel's most popular characters. But just because they're popular doesn't mean they should be in EVERYTHING. I honestly get tired of seeing them. I don't even think Spider-Man is that cool...

But, maybe I'll see the Avengers re-launch through, at least the first arc.

Changing the World

I'm upset with a lot of things. Arizona has passed a legislation giving law enforcement the power to make sure citizens have legal identification. A group is Arkansas is trying to get a legislation on the ballot that would prevent illegal immigrants from receiving the benefits of the state, some of which they already don't.

To me, these are massive affronts to the rights of some and eventually the rights of all. I don't mind that illegal immigrants are here (I don't even like saying that) because they aren't affecting me. There may be some ways that they are affecting me, negatively, that I don't know about. But, from the looks of it, I am primarily untouched. So are a lot of people. So why do we care? Why do we care that gays marry? Why do we care that gays can adopt children? Where is this harm that people keep speaking of?

I know that each argument I'm presenting can fall under the "slippery slope" idea. I don't agree with polygamy, but I couldn't tell you why. Does that mean that I should fight against a polygamist's, or polygynist's for that matter, right to marry more than one person if the parties are consenting? If the parties involved are NOT consenting, I see every right to step in. Otherwise, polygamy just won't affect any relationship or marriage I choose to have in the future (crazy scenarios aside).

I'm tired of a lot of things here. I want to be a major impetus to change. I want people to come to me and say that I've changed their lives for the better. However, I also want my motives to be pure. I don't want to change the world just so people will know what I did (though the recognition and attention would be so nice...). I want to change the world to make it better for those who will come after me. THEY are going to inherit this world of ours. We need to make it better for them. Still, I believe that the next generations are going to be capable of so much good, so much positive change. They're the ones who are going to change their mind of how things are going on.

However, they are also capable of so much bad. My idealism cannot hide this from me. Things can become better, or they can become worse than they already are. How are WE going to change them? And what am I going to do? How am I going to be part of what I perceive to be the solution?

No, Really

What am I supposed to blog about anymore?

This started as an attempt to vent my feeling because I felt they had no outlet. I quickly realized that was a baaaad idea. I have so many ideas, though. So much I want to talk about. I want to be noticed. I want my blog to be worth something. What I need to do is get my priorities straight.

What do I want to accomplish? What are my goals? Why do my ideas need to be seen as important? Not really sure. I want to find my niche though.

That being said... I may shift my topic primarily to comics, gay stuff, gay comic stuff, a sounding board for gay nerds EVERYWHERE, or just an online journal. I'm still hashing out all the ideas.

Let's see where this goes.

Dreaming of Superheroics

So, during my afternoon nap, I had a dream. It ensues thusly :D

There's actually a prelude. I'm at a computer and a gentleman I know from high school... Well, this part gets a little raunchy. Anyway, we go to explore the house we're in and he suddenly becomes David Boreanaz. Weird. We're walking down the hall and we start to only see a red light and some metal and I begin to think it looks like Freddy's boiler room place from Nightmare on Elm Street. Eventually we get to a dining room area in a small house where a couple is sitting. For some reason the girl disappears and I instantly know something is up. The man's head starts to melt and I know Freddy's coming, so I blow a hole in his head with telekinesis to make sure Freddy doesn't arrive. By this time, Boreanaz is someone else and is phasing through the floor to check things out when he begins to rise again with Freddy under him. I try to blast Freddy but not no avail.

In the secdond part, I'm going to a party with some friends (only one of whom I have in real life). Things start to get really weird outside. There's a river with things floating in it and it starts to form whirlpools. I stop the whirlpools and try to make another, safer one to gather all the debris and items in one place. Freddy appears, again, and starts hurling things at the window. I try to deflect them to do damage but it doesn't work. Still, he does no damage and the items bounce off a window.

Suddenly, I'm somewhere else with other superhumans, asking for their help. I talk to the leader who agrees to let me stay. Then, I gather some of the psychics, who are all women, there to assess the situation. There are two other psychics, both male and one of whom I'm apparently strongly attracted to. The one I wasn't attracted to, whom I had actually seen before for some reason, agrees to help while the other is reluctant. I look at him and feel... Those warm fuzzies. I end up just grabbing his hand while I telepathically relay the fact that I'm attracted to him to another of the female psychics. We assess what's going on and reach Freddy, who attempts to take control of us. We stop in time for him to fail, but realize he's coming. He lifts the roof off the house and we begin to fire whatever we can at him. I try ripping him apart. It only works for a short time. Eventually, I gather all of those who can harness some kind of energy to help me create a forcefield, which somehow takes the form of aquatic animals. They all surge to Freddy's location and help to weaken him, while someone else resurrects an ancient warrior who succedds in vanquishing Freddy.

Yea, so weird.

Passion

It's Thanksgiving. There may or may not be a Thanksgiving post. This is mainly because I'm thankful for myself :)

Anyway, my mother asked me to get the Christmas stuff from the attic and I came across a box called "Kids' School Work." I happened to find my 2D Studio Art portfolio. I loved the pieces I did, though I think I can improve them. I remember what it was like to do them and how proud I was, even though I didn't do well on the AP test.

I thought, "Why am I doing psychology? Why am I not doing art if I truly love it?" I asked Mom about it and she said there are things we do as a career and others we do as a hobby, and that the hobbies are hobbies because we love them. If they were our jobs, we may not love them as much. Aka don't go into art. That's a joke, because I know she'd support me no matter what. She still has a point though. Psychology offers more security at this point. Art... Just doesn't.

Drawing and painting are two of my passions, and I truly do love them. I just hope that one day I can utilize the passion I have for them.

A New Philosophy

Today in speech, we watched a video on gay marriage and why it should be legalized. The purpose was to evaluate the speech and its efficiency. The speech's message though, still hit home.

If Z and I one day decide to stay together indefinitely, we can't get married. If something happens to him, I can't visit him in the hospital. We can't enjoy the rights that heterosexual couples enjoy because we are gay, we can't get married, and civil unions are a disgustingly unequal comparison to marriage.

I don't have these rights. I hear about them over and over again. There are people fighting for these rights. Yet, at the end of the day, I still don't have them and may not before I die. I am no longer willing to wait.

I am unwilling to wait to be considered equal and to enjoy something that should be rightfully mine and that I've wanted since I was little and before I even thought that people would deny me those rights. I am unwilling to be content or complacent with the current state of affairs, the status quo. How do I secure these rights for myself? Must I wait until someone decides that gays can marry? Must I sit here and watch state after state but my own realize that gay marriage is something that should've happened a long time ago?

What did the black men and women, the women in general, do when they faced these dilemmas? Why did they have to wait so long? What was the agony of waiting to secure even such a right as voting or to occupy the same space as other people? Why are we forced to endure the denial of rights? Why have many religions, and why do they STILL, spoken against each of these things?

And what was the joy of every black man and woman when the slaves were freed and schools became integrated? What were the joys of women when they were able to vote and work for the same careers as men?

What will be my joy when one day, I can turn to my partner, whether it is Z or not, and say, "Baby, let's get married"?

What will be my joy and why am I not able to experience that now?

Halloween at a Bar

J: What the fuck just happened?
Me: I don't know. Mario just fucked Pooh

More on Halloween weekend later

Wake Up!

So, this weekend I fell in love with "Party in the USA". Gay, I know, right?

Well, I got an idea doing a search and found a blog that had the top five wake up songs. So, here's mine. A little light blogging this Monday morning (significantly better Monday morning :D!):

Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
Keep Tryin' - Utada Hikaru
Oasis - Bennie K feat. Diggie Mo'
If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
32 Flavors - Alana Davis

So, not as easy as I thought, and a playlist like that definitely depends on my mood.

Halloween

I can't sleep.

But! I did get a late night epiphany as to what my Halloween costume should be. An integral part of my costume will be a pair of shorts. Short shorts. Showing off the legs this year :)

Top choices are:
1. Lifeguard
2. Gay X-Man
3. Hot Gay Nerd
4. Something random with minimal clothing

I'm leaning toward the Gay X-Man and Hot Gay Nerd because they'd be relatively inexpensive, I could use things I own, and they'd be a lot of fun. For the X-Man costume, I'd make a t-shirt and probably keep that one to wear regularly. For the Hot Gay nerd, I'd probably just wear shorts, a pair of Chucks, and glasses with the lenses popped out. This sounds like it'll be the most fun Halloween I've had in a long time.

I hope it works out!

Epiphany

In psychology, there is a term, insight. It's an epiphany, a shining bit of information that was unknown and is now suddenly clear. I had one today.

While speaking on getting back together with Z, I mentioned that our state of affairs is just like my breakup-to-makeup-to-extremely-angering-breakup with Q. He said he isn't Q. Good point. He isn't. But I kept going. Instead of annoying that bit of information and carrying on to something else, I let those feelings loose. I said how mad I was, how much I was hurt by Q's actions. And it dawned on me: it may be affecting me now.

In taking ownership of my feelings... I was mad that I was strung along, I was stupid for almost a whole fucking semester, waiting on him to turn around. I watched him get involved with other people, I watched him talk about them, but I stood by because I wanted to be with him so bad. So, when he mentioned a relationship, of course I finally did it, which also meant dropping another potential guy. Three months later, I'm unhappy. I don't listen to myself and try a couple more times to work with the relationship. The last time apparently did it. Things were nice for a while but he changed. He flipped it on me. I was wishy-washy, I know, but I was also unhappy and didn't know how to deal with it.

I was treated like the enemy. I was treated like I really did something wrong. Over the summer things got better, until a late night when he wanted to "get things off his chest." I almost let loose on him, but I decided not to. He's left me alone since then, and I'm happy, sometimes mad, but mostly happy. I don't endeavor to speak to him by any means, except to eventually get some stuff back from him. I realized, though, that in not getting things off my chest, in doing what I thought was respecting him, I was doing myself a disservice by holding onto those feelings. Now, I think I'm going to try to work through them.

I was tempted to contact him and let him know just how I felt, but I may not. The problem has presented itself, and I will deal with it. I don't know how things will work out from here, I'm just happier knowing something about myself.

This Monday Morning

Today, the world has shifted on its axis. Today, everything is not as it should. The world has something wrong with it, a kink in the system.

Today, I woke up and things didn't miraculously change. I didn't just make up my mind in regards to staying single or getting back together. Last time I did it on a whim and paid for it; this time I'm thinking it over. Today, one of my friends is hurting because another friend... And I've invariably taken her side again. Sometimes that's pretty easy when she's the one who's hurting.

Today, I may listen to the same song over and over because it's the only that really makes sense. Or, it's the only that I'm allowing to make sense.

Today, my emotions, which usually function to enhance and augment my writing, are hampering it. And, today, my room is also cold.

But these things can only last for so long. The world will soon buckle its belt and return its seat to the upright position; my friend won't hurt forever; my other friend... I may one day understand him; I won't keep listening to the same sorta-sad song; my emotions will even out; my university will FINALLY turn the heat on.

And Z? Well, he'll be okay, too, no matter what I do. And so will I. I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

Who Says?

I'm listening to John Mayer's new single "Who Says." I think I'm going to stop studying for the night, download it, and listen to it in my bed through headphones. It just seems like a song that makes sense, and, in the man's own words, a song best listened to between 8p and 3a.

Who says... Well, right now, I don't know who says. I'll get back to you on that.

This Too Shall Pass

It's been a while... And it's weird how many posts begin with that statement.

Well, it didn't work out. I just hope it doesn't end up like last time...

I'm awake, can't fall asleep, can't cry.... I feel like I can't do much of anything. I know tomorrow and Saturday will be hard. People will ask "What happened?" or "Do you feel okay?" All those questions I don't want to hear and don't want to answer. I almost wish people knew about break-ups instinctively so you didn't have to divulge any details.

I guess it was a closing to another chapter in my life. I'm scared it's going to affect my grades and my work and applying for grad school. My thoughts are in a jumble now...

Just, it also feels like a new beginning. I can be single and have fun again. I can change the format of my blog, change the links, I don't know.

There is just one nagging feeling though... The feeling of failure. Now, I'm the roommate without a partner. I'm surrounded by people in long-term relationships (or, maybe those relationships are just more noticeable at this point). I wonder, what could I have done to prevent this? How long will this emptiness, heartache, or whatever you choose to call it last? When will I date again? When will HE date again? Can I still go to yoga?

I'm hoping this is goodnight, because I want to wake up and be productive. And flirt with the straight boy at work to make myself feel better.

Perez Hilton and Jesse Jackson: A Treatise

As you probably already know, I have a huge issue with how I'm "seen." Not in the sense of how others continually see me on a day to day basis (i.e. how I dress, carry myself, etc. though this is of much importance to me), but how I am represented in the media by people who belong to the communities I identify with. There is always, to some level, representation of the individual by certain individuals in the spotlight. In my case, and in the case of other African-Americans and gay men (specifically, though this very much does reflect other demographics), I don't think there is always positive representation.

We can say that certain people (namely, Perez Hilton and Jesse Jackson) don't represent us, but in fact they do. When people look at us, what do they see? They see what the media has represented of our certain cultures, demographics, ethnicity and so much more. This is colored by personal experience as well. But what if there is little to no personal experience to give form to how the media represents people? How do these people in the spotlight, whether celebrity or otherwise, affect how the world sees those that belong to the same demographic?

I don't like that Perez Hilton seems like a loud, extravagant, eccentric, and intrusive gossip monger. I don't like that Jesse Jackson seems to come out of the shadows to make some comment about how individuals should apologize to the black community if they do something he thinks is offensive. These two individuals, and others, speak out as though with a megaphone, talking for the rest of us when we don't need it. I hope that someone doesn't see Perez Hilton when they look at me and know or realize that I'm gay, and I also hope that people don't see me as someone who takes every opportunity imaginable to play the race card (except as a good punchline - forgive me for that one) with even the slightest appearance of discrimination. I want to be represented as MYSELF, but I can't stop the media, the machine that loves oh so much to perpetuate stereotypes, from inadvertently, or maybe not, typecasting me. This isn't just an issue for gays or african americans either. Do all republicans identify with Ann Coulter or Bill O'Reilly? Do all liberals identify with Bill Maher? Do all atheists and agnostics identify with Richard Dawkins? I highly doubt it, and these individuals, as well, may be upsetting those whom they inadvertently represent.

One day I will learn to live and let live and those two won't bother me, but it's hard to shake off the anger and frustration I feel at people like that always rising up and doing something counterproductive against the cause they seek to defend. Outing people should be done at those individuals' discretion, not someone who thinks it's necessary and that it will further gay rights. Not every white person who makes a black joke is racist, because black people say them, too (you know someone who's always made remarks about "that lazy negro).

This makes me think of how I am representing gay people, black people, men, humans, college aged individuals. Am I doing my part to make sure that stereotypes aren't being propagated? Is that my job, my obligation? There are many ways to look at this issue. I can't stop Jesse Jackson or Perez Hilton, and it would go against their rights for me to try. Sometimes I just wonder if they think about what they say and how it will affect people in their demographic. However, something like that can't always be predicted. Maybe these individuals do truly believe in the cause they're fighting for, but also maybe, just maybe, they are taking us more steps back than forward.

Random Things I've Thought About Today...

I am host to many random ideas and thoughts, and here's a list of some interesting ones from today:

If you were to travel back in time and take Jesus' place on the cross, what would your last words be?
If you died what would you wish for all of your friends?

For the first, I'm definitely voting "Autobots, transform and roll out!" and "I have the power!!!".

And for the second... Dunno, long list. I'd want G to dance for me everytime she heard "Don't Stop the Music", B to know that I felt like a major bitch for what went down in DC and I could've acted mature, my cousin to finally find someone he loves, for D to make a comic and publish with a major company, my baby sisters to read Catcher in the Rye when they could finally understand it, my brother to have a good life for himself, my little sister to grow up and become the beautiful woman I know she will be, my mother to be truly happy for eternity, and for Z... Well, I'd wish for him to find someone that will make him happier than I hope I make him (and will continue to make him, hopefully)

The Stigma

I am a gay black man. By now, you probably know this. Being black, I have my own issues to deal with. There is very little overt racism, but we deal with some forms of subconscious racism, though it is both hard to find concrete examples of that type of racism AND hard to sometimes realize that we live in a new day and age and must move beyond it (I will avoid the issues of affirmative action for another day).

As a GAY black man, though, I face another slew of issues. For so long, homosexuality has had a stigma attached to it, and this seems to be especially strong in the black community. Black culture seems to be surrounded by the church and by music these days. The church part teaches the shame and sin of being gay, and music shows its black male performers as hypermasculine, and anything less is treated with disappointment, anger, etc. You can see some of the trouble that black gay men face in the so-called "Down Low" culture, where black men choose to hide their sexuality from the rest of the world, sometimes even the women that they are with, but have sex with men on the "low."

I find it hard to explain to my father the exact pressures I feel in being gay and black, especially after he mentions the fact that his only son won't carry on the family genes. Men are taught now not to compromise masculinity for emotion. It's no big deal when women cry, but when men cry it somehow just must be a big deal. That coupled with the fact that gay men are often portrayed as overly feminine and added to what I could consider an internal dilemma for some black gay men makes for a toxic combination.

There are some gay men that I don't always like, approve of, etc. I have never found it attractive to be called girl, to wear makeup (except on Halloween, I'll admit), carry purses, wear heels, pearls, extravagant jewelry (funny that gay straight men do this, too...) and part of that comes from the stigma of being seen as that super gay man. I don't like being seen as a stereotype, though I know that's how some people look at me. So, to see gay black men doing the same, I about keel over in frustration. I'm proud to be a boy, though I have feminine tendencies, so I take offense that some boys would rather act like girls. I shouldn't; I should stop being so judgmental, but it takes a lot to get over that anger because I don't want my family to think I'M going to be like that because I'm gay. It's hard to describe without stepping on toes, but right now I'm not worried about that.

I read an article, or perused it because the author pissed me off, about MIAKA - Men Interested in Alpha Kappa Alpha. I was like HELL TO THE FUCKING NAW! I'm serious! It made me so mad. I felt like those men should worry about being men and not trying to emulate a sorority. The author was in the same boat, but the way she talked about those gay men and how we don't have proper role models and how our single mothers brought us up as feminine (I especially took offense here because my mother worked damn hard to raise three kids, thank you). I saw one part of her argument, but she treated her gay black brothers like heathens. No, I don't always approve of what black, gay, or black AND gay men do. But at the end of the day, we are kindred in those respects. I'm going to be pissed at some things, but I'm not going to stop them from doing a damn thing. One lesson I had to learn was that no matter what, you can't change others and you can't force them to do anything that won't make them happy.

When I see a black man with pearls, it makes me want to scream, but who am I to judge? I'm sure plenty of southern folk would rather not see a young black man working in Bath and Body works, but I love that job. I'd rather not see other gay black men in make up, wearing pink and green and pearls; I'd rather not see black men wearing chains and pants that hang off their ass, speaking in a mockery of standard English; I'd rather not see other gay men flailing about, talking loud. Yet, I'm also sure a lot of people would rather not see me do some of the things I do.
I want this stigma gone, but it will take so much time, and that hurts. I want to feel like there is an even representation of black men, gay or straight, in the media, which will also take much time and which also hurts.

One day things will change and, even if we get mad at the things others are doing in and with their lives, we won't care. I'm working on being that way myself. In the words of many, I'm just doing me and I'm fine to let anyone else do themselves (pardon the innuendo).