Like a Phoenix

As I was driving back from spending the weekend with the man I'm more than willing to call the love of my life, I did some self-reflection. Lately, it's felt like my anxiety hasn't given me many breaks. It comes and goes in waves, usually at inopportune times. What I realized, though, is that it is no indication of me being at a standstill. In fact, it has coincided with some great things for me: a new identity as an instructor, welcoming the identity of boyfriend again, and learning how to adjust to a new flow in my life. So, I came to the conclusion that I should give myself a break and a pat on the back. At the same time.
I realized that I've done more work to let things go, even though there's still progress to make. I realized that it's okay to have my feelings and affirm them. I realized that things rarely will happen on my schedule, and that I have to put in the work until I see the change I desire. That last statement made me realize that things aren't destinations, but maybe just a natural progression.

This weekend, I got the chance to be the Phoenix. It was only for a couple of hours, but I was him. I figured the Phoenix was the perfect representation of the past 16 months for me. At the start I had to work my way out of my own proverbial ashes. I had to spark my own embers and, like a phoenix, rise again. I admire Jean Grey for her insistence on existence, for always coming back. She's one of my heroes because I always know that I'll see her again, and she'll use her powers and herself to change in the way that she needs to. Like she did starting X-Factor, becoming headmistress of the Xavier institute, and like she will again (thought I'm not a huge fan of time travel as the impetus for bringing her back).

There's still some headway I need to make. I need to rededicate myself to my writing and get some awesome stories done. I need to sketch more. I need to love more, as well as see more of the people I love. I need to grow as a man, boyfriend, son, cousin, friend, and whatever identity I hold in the eyes of the people I care about. I need to lay some people to rest and burn my own cross (I seriously hope this works as a metaphor; it could go South...[see what I did there?]).

It's just nice to be here, to be loved, and to have a growing sense of self-love and self-acceptance. There's still a lot to figure out and some stuff to change, but I feel better about how that is going to go. So, now, I rest easy and start another week, but also a change in the narrative. I live for these moments where I can see and hear and feel the truth.

It's like a fresh start.