The E is for Evolving

Let me share with you my thought process over the past few days, especially today:

Today has felt weird. As I described it earlier, it is the introspective kind of weird, where you can't really get a hold on what kind of energy you have but you know it's not good or bad, it just is. Today, the usual distressing thoughts came into my mind, but I was able to sit with them until they passed (read: they were no longer in my conscious awareness). I took my day as it was. It got done the things I needed to. I did something today that didn't necessarily have to be done today. Go me!

As I was driving home, I thought to myself, "Today sure has been weird. I wonder why..." So I thought of my past few days. I thought of how most of last week was full of distressing thoughts until Friday where I somehow got my emotional shit together and managed to have a stellar day (thanks in great part to the people I love who showed up in various ways). I thought of my weekend and how peaceful it was, which I think is due to my having spent it primarily alone rather than in the company of others. I thought of how I sat through my loneliness on Saturday and just focused on myself, how I had an adventure in the park on Sunday, was inspired, and created something I love and am proud of for someone I love.

I thought of how the past 3-4 weeks were unusually distressful, especially considering how I felt before those 3-4 weeks, how I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, as far as I can recall, and definitely the happiest I had been since my breakup. While in that period, I wasn't sure what the hell was happening, but I was sure that I needed to get through my day-by-day and do the things I needed to, despite how I felt. So, I moved forward. Eventually, I got to today, where I feel fine, at ease, at peace with the way things are and the way things were.

I came to the conclusion that maybe that distressful period was part of my growth. Pema Chodron says that as we become Warriors of Boddhicitta, our lives may become stressful, we may have a sense of dread, but that it is only an indication that we are growing and changing. So, maybe that's what it was.

I cling to that theory, because it offers hope, but I think it may be true. Maybe I'm breaking free in a more noticeable way. Maybe those distressing thoughts are losing their power. Yes, I expect to have more bad days, simply because I'm human, but I will not devote any energy into making those days come faster. I will just sit and wait, say hi and love them when they do, cherish the lessons, and bid them a fond farewell once they leave.

In the now, I relish this sense of peace because it was something I wanted for a long time. I get glimpses of it in my day-to-day, but this is the longest it's lasted in a while. I'm grateful.

To me, this is what happiness is, a sense of peace with all that things are. I'll make changes where I need to and when I need to. Until then, I'll be sure to exercise my growing sense of compassion with myself and those around me.

It's nice to feel this free and I'm glad that all of the goings on of my life thus far have led to this point.

I'm evolving and my life is so much better because of that. I'm evolving because I'm great and I finally see it.