I was angry that I wanted to have a night where I didn't look for a man, yet I found myself seeking validation in mutual attraction (read: external validation). I was angry that I just wanted to dance and not worry, but I saw my ex with his usual partner of late and I didn't want that on my head. I was angry that it felt like I was catching no one's attention. I was angry that the one guy I want is the one guy I have to safeguard myself against to protect my heart. I was angry that my One, for Now or Forever, has not shown up yet. I was angry that the one man to give me the attention I was looking for is a good man, but a man I am not attracted to and had to be careful not to hurt because I could sense he was a good guy. I was angry that the good guys I had met thus far were not the ones I could pursue because it wouldn't be right.
I was angry that in my romantic life things were not going my way.
Romantic love is a significant and important part of life, but it is only part. Yet, last night, I found myself at the mercy of my impatience, anger, and sadness relating to my romantic life. I was face to face with every no, on both sides, every disappointment. It felt like all the work I had done had suddenly come crashing down around me. Last night was supposed to be fun, but it ended up carrying the theme of the rest of my week: anxiety and anguish.
Now, in my right mind, I find that I was in the midst of a growing experience. I needed to face my anger. I needed to realize that seeing an ex does not have to dictate how my night goes, and that if it gets to me and affects me, though I must openly acknowledge this, I am choosing to let it do so. I am choosing to stay in that shitty spot and not move forward.
I realized just how lost I was. Actually, that has been painfully apparent to me. Sometimes, I doubt what I do. I doubt my growth and change. However...
I also start to realize that what I am choosing to do with my life, making it a process of active Love, is not something to be doubted. If I offer love to someone and it is rejected, that's not a reflection on me. I can be crazy cheesy or sappy, but I'm still offering love. That is the last thing I should hesitate to do. I should never fear showing someone love because I feel they'll call me weird. I should never fear love at all.
As each day goes by, I have to trust. I have to trust that I am moving on the right path (I am), that the right man will come along (he hasn't), that my choice of partners will ring true with me (it will). Last night, I stopped trusting and I got angry.
But, I needed to. Had I not, I wouldn't be taking the time for growth today. Maybe things do happen for a reason.
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