Candidly

I've been thinking about the idea of self-disclosure. Lately, I fear that I've put too much of myself out there. That I'm revealing things that should be kept secret, within the confines of a journal or between close friends. Yet, a lot of this stuff is stuff I share with my friends (not as much with my journal). I fear that I am saying things that could be misinterpreted or taken the wrong way (or occasionally the right way...).

Yet, what I find is that that is the voice of doubt. I do have to consider that what I say on blogs or social media can affect me later, but what I'm most worried about is how people see me. I am very deliberate in creating an image of myself that is positive and will last after I die. I know how I want to be remembered. I don't love simply for this reason, to make sure that people don't paint me an asshole after I pass, but it is a reason that I behave and act and talk the way I do.

Still, there's some stuff I don't even discuss in depth with anyone. Listening to Lauryn Hill's 'Ex-Factor' this morning brought some of that stuff to the surface, so I figured it'd be worth taking the risk to let some of it out. I actually do hope that certain people come across this post, because it will bring into the light things that I am either scared to say, or that need to be said but that I deem inappropriate for me to say based on existing parameters of relationships (or the lack thereof).

Lately, part of the distress I mentioned in the last post has come from facing parts of myself that I run away from. These are the parts I am ashamed to show to people, the actions that leave me with the most regret, though I do try to forgive myself for them. They are things I've done and said that afterward I wished I wouldn't, that had a profound capacity to hurt those who don't deserve hurt and that reflect a selfish and weak part of myself (a part that I must learn to love nonetheless).

I've been on both sides of the portrait Lauryn paints in 'Ex-Factor.' I've been the one trying to let go, but asked to stay. I've been the one who's asked a man to stay, but not for his benefit, just mine (a desperate attempt to heal). I've said things under my breath or buried in a subtext that have the power to hurt some of the men I've come across in my life. I've walked in my own bitterness and anger and let that manifest, only to later realize that doing so is the exact antithesis to love (the cornerstone of my life). Each of these things, I'm ashamed of.

I'm ashamed that I reached out, for fear that he'd never be the one to do it. I'm ashamed that I actually put energy into trying to get someone back, realizing later that maybe those feelings weren't genuine and that I was trying to heal myself in what I thought was the only way how. I'm ashamed that I've let things 'slip' that were bitter and spiteful, because I felt that it was my right to be honest and let my feelings be known and broadcast to the world that someone hurt me (while saying to myself in some way that they deserve hurt, too, which is not true). I am ashamed of my profound moments of weakness. I know that this stuff is where some of my fear comes from. I'm scared that I'll be seen as angry, bitter, desperate, crazy, unhinged, and that each of these shows plain as day to the men that I'd least like to hold such opinions of me.

So, I'm finally in the process of not running. I'm finally looking at each of those things, and other things I forgot but that will be brought into my awareness at some point, and forgiving myself, even if others haven't forgiven me for them. It's just hard to look inside and see something that makes me say, "I'm ashamed of myself for how I thought, acted, felt or behaved." It takes a lot of simultaneous processes: forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, and honesty. It takes a lot of energy to say, "That person, who I was in that moment, did something I wish I hadn't done, but that I must accept, so I am better able to love myself and others."

Sometimes, all I want is to stop, gather my courage, and say, "I'm sorry for what I did because I realize how it may have affected you." But, sometimes it's not important for other people to forgive me.

I have to have the strength and willingness to forgive myself and try to learn from each of my mistakes.