Savvy

With the election a little more than a week away, I decided I'd spend some time looking up the candidates. I know it's a little late, but I want to be more than sure about my choice. I've pretty much decided who I'm going to vote for, but he's not who I'm going to research.

That's right, I'm going to hit up some McCain info. I decided that my negative bias towards him isn't founded in any true information, so, why not make sure that it is. You know, keeping enemies closer, and I use that term veeeeeery loosely. That being said, I don't know where to start. Wiki's credibility is shot. I can use that for comics, but for political information I want to know as much as possible from a credible source. Needless to say, I'm not going to look at his campaign site. That's where I started, then quickly realized that any information on him is going to be put in a positive light. It's only going to mention the good things he did, not the things that will piss me off. So, no go.

I think what I'm going to do is just hunt for some stuff, find as much information as possible to, like I said, make sure my decision is the one I am comfortable with.

Spending Time Alone

I keep realizing why it's important for me to take some time for myself and think constructively. I start existing outside myself and handling my problems positively, instead of that emotionally debilitating way.

At a book sale a couple of weeks ago I picked up a book entitled When Am I Going to Be Happy?. Of course, I consider myself a relatively healthy human being, but everyone has their troubles. What I found is it helps to pinpoint your problems to efficiently handle them. I've started to realize a lot of things about myself, as well as think about issues that have been around for a while. I am noticing where the problem starts with me instead of someone else.

Q is the best example. I didn't communicate with him at all yesterday, and at some points I did start to think that he doesn't care if I don't talk to him or he doesn't miss me or what have you. When I thought rationally, I realized that's one day we didn't talk to each other. The harm is...? Absolutely nothing. If he's taking time to be by himself, that's his right. I didn't talk to him either; the mutuality that is communication holds accountability on both sides. Quite honestly, I didn't feel like talking to him. If he felt the same, that's his right. Of course, it's not as easy conquering emotions and trying to think objectively, but I'm learning how.

That's What You Get

When you date boys. No, really, it's true!

Why do I keep saying that the closer I get to a boy the more my stress level goes up? Because that, too, is true. Here's the skinny:

Q has taken the time to go off and do his own thing, which is good. He lives his life, and I'm not that much a part of it. It's not easy to get used to hanging out every night then suddenly stopping for who knows what reason. I'm starting to feel like that's something I should do, as well. It's not easy to see him beyond certain scopes, because to do so makes falling for him even worse. I have to keep him in this certain perspective to keep myself in control, and I'm starting to wonder if that's healthy.

TB randomly sends me messages every now and then. Now, sometimes they involve class since we have the same one, just at different times. But, every now and then, he'll make some weird comment, like last night's "I still like you" which prompted a very curt "What?". That was the point where I threw up my hands and said "Ok, screw this. Time to focus on being single. Possibly forever." And I was almost serious.

So, in the words of Paramore, "That's what you get" when you date anything with a penis. It's very confusing and often unpleasant.

Haha :D

Yellow

I know something is wrong with me when I even think of "Yellow" by Coldplay and I almost start crying.

Well, quite honestly, I don't know where to go from there. I had this lingering fear that Q was going to just call it quits today (remember, we're not in a relationship), because he asked to eat lunch together, just us. I'm so on edge that I'm anticipating the day when he says "This probably needs to stop." Which isn't so healthy...

What we have, even if it's not a relationship, is comforting. I like it. But I'm so being defensive, as a dream pointed out to me, that I'm scared of it ending and I'm acting like HE is readily going to hurt me. I'm learning to trust, and it really is a journey. He deserves my trust. All best are off, and I can genuinely trust that he'll be honest with me. That's a little more impressive, and important, than you may think.

It's just... I miss him. I saw him for an hour today since Friday, and I didn't see him that long that day either. I miss him a lot, and he knows. *sigh*

Alone with God

Today, I had to take some time to be alone. With the Q situation, us spending more time together, I'm finding that I'm leaving a lot of things on the wayside, God included. I went out, cleaned my car, bought some random items, and came back to my room, alone.

Part of my personal and spiritual journey is learning how and when to be alone. I find myself clinging to others, whether romantically or otherwise, because I either feel the need to see as many people as possible or because, even if I don't admit it, I don't always like being by myself, often forgetting that it's okay.

I came back to my room and knelt in prayer for the first time in a long time. My prayer wasn't long, it wasn't verbose; it was simple, genuine, heartfelt, and sincere. I asked for forgiveness, I gave gratitude for those who love me; I asked for strength, courage, wisdom, compassion, guidance, and a heart that will be the light to others. I asked for love, not for a significant other, but for love and compassion to show the world, not for someone else to show me. My mind was quiet and focused in prayer, as it needed to be. And you know what? My heart does feel lighter.

I'm still learning how to be alone, still learning how to truly love God. I'm growing, just as I need to be. I shouldn't be afraid to thank him, so I won't. Thank you Lord, truly.

Thank you.

Breaking the Spell

So it has been a long time, almost a whole month. I'm still here, I promise. I just have a couple of things to sort out:

a) My current relationships and
b) How much of my life I put into this blog

I know the latter is my choice, and what I choose to put here is what I very damn well please and if someone wants to bitch they can (says the man with a "secret" blog). The first, well, I think that's sorting itself out like it always does. Basically, I went crazy and got insecure when what I needed was some time away. It's okay to spend time away from the ones you love. I happen to need that me-time.

So, since I have to go to bed early, I promise you a post tomorrow.

Okay....

What the fuck guys, WHAT THE FUCK?!

I guess I'm supposed to figure out everything for myself. No one has to tell me a damn thing. Well, I know what's going on now, but not because anyone told me.

I know it's selfish, but it's justified.

I'm waiting for someone to tell me I'm wrong, absolutely wrong, that I should be worrying about my friends instead of myself. I can't figure out, though, what's right or what's justified. I only believe I'm justified because I feel slighted, but my own issues have at least some relevance here.

Make no mistake, as much as I'm angry, I feel just as much for my friends. I didn't expect this, and I can't say anyone else did either. I just wish someone would talk to me, or do I need to start asking questions?

Let me know what's going on, keep me clued in. If we're calling ourselves a circle, don't just leave this tangent point. Do you see what I mean, where I'm coming from, and why I'm so pissed?

You know, I just don't know anymore. A dynamic is broken and I fear some of my closest relationships are being severed.

Issues

Recently, my roommate and his girlfriend have been at odds (???) I guess you can say. I phrase it like that because, well, I don't know what the hell is going on. All I know is things are weird. Usually she's in the room every night, but she's been staying in her own room lately and the roomie is almost no where to be seen.

The issues that arise?
a) C is visibly upset and has been for the past few days. We don't have the kind of the relationship where she comes to me and vice versa for advice, though I would consider us close.
b) Like I said, I don't know what the hell is going on, and it's been bugging me for a while
c) G knows and so does B, and I found this out when G conveniently takes me out of the room so B and C can talk, and I tell her she doesn't have to stay out with me (I'd just play on my phone) so they go talk and close the door and I'm in their living area watching tv
d) G doesn't want to tell C's business as she puts it, but I walk in one day while she and W are talking and they get quiet and mention a, literally A, mundane thing during the short while I'm there, so I assumed (also risking making myself to be a bigger ass) that they were talking about the aforementioned issue
e) This leads to the dilemma of me not knowing a damn thing, per usual (I just wanted to say that :D). So on top of being worried about C and D and whatever the hell is going on, I'm getting pissed because yet again I'm on the outside of some freaking loop, except this time, IT'S ACTUALLY IMPORTANT!

I understand if C doesn't want to tell me, because I've been in that situation before, but for G to go out of her way to make sure I don't hear anything and then to (once again, assuming) tell W just pisses me off. I'm tired of being around and having people shuffle to other rooms to talk about some apparently secret bullshit. Just writing about it here is starting to make me angry. This isn't just some mild paranoia; I feel like I'm being alienated and like I never know what's going on. I thought this shit was over and I was being delusional, but that may not be true.

It's a little hard to be rational right now.

Ain't No Feeling Like Being...

Scenario:

You meet someone who's pretty damn close to that boy you've always wanted to meet. He's witty, intelligent, cute. The only drawback is that he smokes (which has nothing to do with the scenario at large).

He doesn't want a relationship (guess where I'm going).

You've slept together, you know, in "that" way. You get all cutesy and cuddly and slightly flirtatious, but there are still things you'd fix about this whole situation.

Now, for two people sleeping together, what are you? Are you a couple by merit? Are you just "friends with benefits"? And, more importantly, what will you be? Where does this end?

He says he doesn't form emotional attachments well, he's not interested in a relationship (because he's young, 19, and he's been there before), but you are the exact opposite in those respects.

To me, the most logical answer is: stop. Stop before YOU get hurt. You're going to be respectful of him by not sleeping with anyone else, but it's foolish to believe he's going to do the same. People without limitations take advantage of that. Even people WITH limitations take advantage of that. This whole thing spells disaster if you stay. Because, well, if he's not sleeping with anyone, if he's just sleeping with you, why isn't it a relationship?

Is there such a thing as an exclusive friend with benefits? I guess so, but I'm of the general opinion that any two people sleeping together that aren't in a relationship aren't bound by any rules, which is why this is going to be a really shitty situation for you before long. You'll fall in love, or even just in like, and he won't. Simple. It's hard to trust someone when all bets are off, even though you want to.

If you want me, take me. I'm not waiting til you want a relationship. I'm not waiting at all. I'm not going to start doing other people if I'm with you in any way, but I will end whatever... Thing this is. I'm missing out on you by not being with you, and I'm missing out on my world by not doing what I really want to.

Sorry I just put you on blast.

So, in the end, and in the words of Destiny's Child:

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart's in the right place

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When you've done all you could
But was misunderstood
It's all good

Ain't no feelin' like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
Finally I'm looking out for me

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart is in the right place. Yea.

Ain't no feelin' like being free

The Way That Seems Right Leads to Death

On my infrequent sojourn into that good book we all know as the Bible this morning, I came across a verse:

Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death

Of course, I thought nothing but of my own personal covenant with God. The point where I realized that no, you can't pray the gay away, is where things took a turn (seemingly) for the better. I stopped crying and I went to God in prayer, and I said:

Dear Lord,
I come to you, realizing that this "change" is pretty permanent. But, instead of fighting another useless fight, I want to try something new. I want to show you that I can live my life for you (note: developing story), all the while not forsaking the nature that you've given me. I don't believe I can truly be happy while trying my whole life not to be gay. There are countless other sins that don't involve the nature of a man or woman, that, while difficult, can still be discarded. What happiness is there in denying oneself? Am I missing the message in sacrificing life for you? What I'm trying to say is, I want to be happy. And I'm going to try. With you there, but not as a man hiding himself from the world.

Of course, artistic liberties have been taken considering that prayer is years old. What got me thinking even more about that was when I searched for that verse on the net. I found an essay, which could've easily been a sermon. While it did make sense and I found myself relating to most of it, the last point was jarring: once we leave morality delegated by the Bible, we begin to rely on human reasoning and mark our paths into Hell.

I don't know if I can really take that to heart, at all. The Bible can be just as hurtful as it is helpful, which could explain my very awkward and painful teenage years. Trying to cope with the message of God while trying to understand yourself in anyway isn't always easy unless you're born a WASP, in my opinion. And I don't think that people use the Bible as the universal, in every sense of the word, moral guide because we often get things wrong, as I could be doing right now, and innocents get hurt because of that.

Sometimes, this seems right. But did God intend for me to live a life of depression and self-restriction so I can be closer to him? Is it not possible to find a man to love in the light of God? How is this supposed to work...?

I'd feel like I was letting myself down if I chose to completely live for God, let go of the homosexuality and everything, but am I letting him down by living for him and trying to live for myself all the same?

Consider this sacrilege or not, but there is a very good reason that I choose to cling to God instead of man or the "word."

Things to Consider

Originally, I had come up with a pretty interesting idea while brushing my teeth. Then I forgot it and could only remember that it had to do with the duality of something or other. So, today, I bring you this post:

I'm insensible. We all know this. I can be impulsive, stupid, and prone to just going by my emotions and letting them cloud my judgment (which is ironically pretty intact). So, with any new romantic situation I find that there's a lot of purpose in me remaining single.

I'm getting close, but I still haven't learned to truly be "by myself." I know what it feels like, but I don't know the full security of being single and alone, and not in that usually painful way. I still get upset at unreturned txts or calls. I still get jealous for no reason at all when I have no need to be. I don't think I'm as strong as I want to be or could be. Not should be, no one "should" be anything, should is a very very bad word.

I realized within this past week that I still need to:
a) Grow more comfortable with myself
b) Keep priorities in line (which includes the hierarchy of interaction, i.e. family over friends over love interests, so on and so forth)
c) Stay focused on things that are not only important, but that don't distract me in any way, form, or fashion.

Instead of worrying about some damn boy, I need to surround myself with friends and the people that matter. It's so easy for me to get lost in the land of almost-romance, because the land of romance is incredibly elusive and will more than likely take a change of habit, thought, and behavior (yes). Too often I allow my world to change for someone else or how they made me feel. This, my fair readers *cricket*, is what needs to change.

In the words of Destiny's Child:

"Time is of the essence and it's much to short to waste another minute on you. While you're steady telling lies, I'm packing, saying 'Bye.' I thought you were my dream come true."

So, here begins the rest of my day, sans boy-stress.

Amen.

The Relationship Dilemma

For a while now, I've been single. In fact, after next Tuesday, it will be one calendar year. Of course, I've had my almosts, my sortas, my one date, and a slew of what I consider to be failures. Sometimes, I don't like being single. Other times, I revel in the fact that I don't have the tether known as a relationship. What I constantly find though is that when faced with a relationship, I face the inevitable question of "Do I need a relationship?"

I'm 20. In a few months I'll be 21. I should be doing crazy things and having crazy fun with lots of people. Right? Wrong. I know that life won't make me happy, so I don't try. But sometimes, I'd like to take part in it. Stop putting these blocks and limits and restrictions on myself; be free, in essence. But I already know the dangers that go hand in hand with such a life, things I don't want to deal with.

So, with the latest boy, whom we'll call "Q", I've found something and someone that I think I could devote time to. The only problem is he doesn't want a relationship. This apparently does not stop him from doing all those cute things like calling and being mildly flirtatious. In a particularly non-innocent but non-slutty romp, he cuddled with me, or, we cuddled, rather. For someone who doesn't want a relationship, he sure does betray my sensibilities on the subject. When I say I don't want a relationship, I mean it. I don't want to be touched. Yet, I've found that everyone has their own definitions of everything.

I need to bring this up or break it off or something. But I'm weak. And haven't been touched in a while. I know, I know, bad criteria for continuing a physical relationship.

One thought that lingers in the back of my mind though...

I'm afraid to trust him because I'm afraid that's the moment when I get hurt and he gets to romp around with other people. I can't expect this to be exclusive, that's stupid. I keep thinking, it could always be someone else on another day, because being insensible and just going with this will only get me in trouble (See: any other relationship trauma in my life).

What it Means, Part 1: To be Black

My parents are black. So am I. End of story.

So I should know right? What this all means? Well, I can't say I do. And I can't speak for everyone. Just myself on what being black is for me.

To me, to be black is to have people mistrust you, look at you weird when you go into a store, lose opportunities, and a slew of other discriminatory things. Except, not exactly. You see, I don't fit the profile. I speak Standard English in a voice very unlike any other black person, or man, not because my voice is unique, but just because I've always been different from what people would readily assume as "black." I wear a belt and my jeans fit in the right places, not hanging half past my ass. I wear t-shirts that fit, not shirts that look like night gowns. I listen to pop, rock, Japanese, almost everything but rap and modern hip-hop. I don't fit the profile.

Among my black peers, I struggle to find a meeting ground, unless they are like me, in that way that people would call me white-washed and make fun of how I talk. Indeed in the way they have. I don't identify with them on that "black" level, because I don't talk like they do, I don't listen to the music they do.

For me, being black is a new kind of separation. I don't relate and sometimes I find it hard to. I see black people on campus, in the cafeteria, in public and I see how they dress, how they act. I'm not loud, I'm not ridiculous, I don't yell and cuss at people when they make me mad. I don't like to make a scene, and I don't like being opinionated, out loud anyway, to the point where people turn and look at me through the periphs, wondering "What the hell is he doing?" Seeing how the black community acts, the one that reaches the media and the public mind you, I feel contempt. It makes me ashamed that my ancestors worked hard in the fields, my grandparents tried their best to support large families, and my mom was just part of the statistic of young, unwed, high school mothers. Not because of these facts, but because black people my age don't acknowledge that. Or, they appear not to. A lot of the things black people do I find ridiculous, crazy. I shouldn't be able to guess the color of a person's skin based on how they are acting in public.

I have to start to understand who black people are in relation to me, despite the fact that a lot of the things they do are "vexing" in the words of Huey. In truth, black people act a damn fool sometimes and I hate it. But it's wrong of me to expect them to act like me, like my parents raised me right (I'll admit that was a low blow but it's true).

What I've found, though, is that when I try to reach them, or anyone else, along other lines, or without any lines at all is when I find that kinsmanship. It's where I find that, as people, we relate. Relativity stretches across many lines: philosophy, psychology, experience. That's how I become close to people. When I start realizing that what it means for me to be black and what it means for someone else to be black don't matter. It's what it means for both, or many, of us to be human.

I approach you from an incredibly idealistic point of view, but I'd have it no other way. For me to be black does not mean embracing my heritage, or listen to rap, or try to rise above history, or struggle. That's what it means for me to be me. I'm just realizing who I am, and being black does not DEFINE that, it is only a PART of that.

Monnie was right, you can't make a news show about what it means to be black in America, because you can only appeal to so many people. That one will always be left out, and that isn't right. What you can do is make a show about what it means for YOU to be black in America, instead of expecting EVERYONE to relate.

Too Busy Forgetting

Yea, it's been a while. *cricket cricket* Okay, I know no one reads this.

So, I've been hanging with my friends a lot lately. And three times within the past two weeks I've been drunk drinking with friends. Sorry, my immature college boy is showing. All good experiences.

Just... This past Friday I got drunk with That Boy. Before the said drinking, I was hanging with him and a couple of his good friends and he'd sit next to me on the couch or whatev (and walk around without his shirt on when he was getting dressed; is it me or is that a sign too?) Anyway, TB's friend sends me a txt about him wanting to make out (after said alcohol), so I asked him to kiss me and he obliged. And we cuddled and made out and got all friendly friendly.

Raunchy details aside, I felt a little embarrassed when I left. I had resolved not to act wild like that ever again. The only thing is, I didn't feel guilty and the whole experience felt good. Why? Well, because I like him, a lot. And I told him. I also said that he should never forget that, if he wants me, I'm always here. Right here. But, I'm not waiting.

He doesn't want a relationship, I know. I just wish I could forget how good it felt to actually get him, even for that little while.

Idea

You know, I have an awesome idea.

Instead of meeting someone, talking to them for a couple of weeks (in its colloquial sense), and jumping into a relationship with them, which is the habit somehow ingrained in my generation...

How about I actually DATE someone, see how I like them without hooking up, and if we both like each other then get into something? You know what? That sounds so much safer, more mature, and conducive to a good relationship.

I notice way too many people doing the former, and it's what I did, too. But not any more. This'll take a lot of discipline, but it's worth it. We really do move way too fast

Baggage Claim

Something I just thought of. If (when) I become a successful therapist, I'm probably going to use this as one of my activities:

List of Baggage and Current Status:

8 months of the worst year of my life
Status: I realized the other day that I finally had let go of that toxic non-relationship (looong story). The reason I'm not talking to him is because, if he hasn't changed, I'm not going to risk him or myself doing any damage. It's a smart move. Baggage claimed and packed away.

Two instances of a no call, no show:
Status: Yea, you were both pretty stupid. Baggage claimed and packed away.

What could have been...:
Status: It still does hurt sometimes, but I'm letting go. You just weren't it, and neither was I, but some other guy was. I can't count that against myself. Baggage... Pretty much left at the airport, tired of dealing with it.

Mixed signals:
Status: I should try being your friend, like actually try. It might be hard, it might not. Willing to take the risk, though, if it means not dating. Baggage claimed and packed away.

Letting you down:
Status: Knowing I wouldn't call you back, I shouldn't have given you my number. I don't know how to let people down, but I need to learn so I don't hurt anyone more than I need to. Baggage claimed.

Over You

You know, I'm over you. Because I made myself get over you.

So, that's one more piece of baggage willingly left at the airport. I hope you stay there.

Mariah Carey

You lucky heifer! I want to age as gracefully as you, even as a male. To be beautiful and golden almost to my forties...

Gangs

So, I was talking with my friend, let's call him the Jew (no seriously). He said he almost got jumped on two occasions in the SAME DAY in his town (we both go to college together about 30 mins away from here).

Me: You were wearing you're yarmulke, weren't you.

And he was. With a shirt with hebrew on it. Which explains why he was about to be jumped by Armenians. And then some black folks, but that's 'cause I just think black folks are mean sometimes. Hell, I know I am.

Anyway, we came upon the subject of him possibly being in more danger than before if he had been wearing certain colors. Which, I added that pink, more than likely not affiliated with any gang other than the gay mafia, would definitely have gotten his ass beat.

So, we both arrived at the conclusion that if gangs are stupid enough to shoot each other over someone wearing a damn color, they might as well copyright that stuff. At least have some kind of legal purpose for busting a cap in someone's ass for wearing a rival color, you know? This is like punching someone for using the green crayons when you only use blue. This stuff is ridiculous.

Dear...

Pimple in the FREAKING MIDDLE OF MY FOREHEAD:

Oh my God I hate you!

With love utter disgust and hate,
Auriel

But if you're here you probably already know who I am haha