A Theist Imperative

One of the inevitable questions I get when I visit any family that is not my mother: Do you go to church? This is followed by a sterile 'No' on my end, and the also inevitable rebuttal: Well, you should go. I wish I was exaggerating about this.

The pressure to believe in God within my family is strong. It is assumed that I am lost without a church home, that I must go to church to ensure my salvation. If I believed in God, I would still tout that as a fallacy; I didn't like church when I was a believer because it just isn't necessary and I'd much rather spend my Sunday mornings in bed. Yet, the hold that Christianity has on Black people does not yield, and my family is one that is very religious. As time passes, I find myself struggling to assert my identity as an atheist, but also reconcile how I feel about supernatural life, especially as it pertains to any certain deity.
I've spoken on this many times; with each retelling, the story is no less important. I stopped believing in God because I found Christianity to be lacking. I also realized that other religions do not answer bigger questions for me. What is the nature of suffering? Why are there no miracles? Why is God a dick in the Old Testament? Forgive the last question for its imflammatory nature, but I truly believe God is a dick for many, many reasons. I find no credibility in the action of prayer; it is nothing more than the illusion of agency within hope. Even though I come close to changing sometimes, I still have to stop and realize that my same questions are there.

The cray thing is that I believe in the existence or potential for superpowers. I believe in alternate dimensions. Why? Because these things are not so implausible due to science. Superpowers could manifest in future generations as exaggerations of natural human abilities. We all have different sensory thresholds anyway. As far as alternate dimensions, I wish I could come close to explaining why I believe this, but doing a quick Google search will reveal that other worlds parallel to ours isn't quite the impossibility. God though? Especially one that cares? I'm not so sure.

I just can't get behind the idea that a deity that cares so much for humans has suffering as a natural part of Its world. Or that the deity is so willing to punish those who do not believe in it. Or that the deity would rather send 'messages' in catastrophe rather than speaking to us directly. These things don't make sense, at least not now. Two thousand years ago, without the scientific and technological advances we have now, maybe. But definitely not now.

These things aside: I still struggle to be a 'closeted' atheist around my family, wanting to reveal my truth to them, rather than just being vague about whether or not I go to church. Funny thing is that all I have to say is I go to church and that'll be the end of it, as though it's the most important factor. I can't do that, though; not being forthright about my beliefs feels bad enough. I understand my family wants the best for me, and according to them, believing in God is part of that. Yet, for me, it's not.

I've always had trouble believing Jesus died and rose again, even though Superman sounds relatively plausible in comparison. I've had trouble seeing the disparity within the Bible, then that same disparity perpetuated in many Christians. As I keep saying: I just ask too many questions to believe in God. I want to live in a world where my atheism is on par with others' religion. Truth is, that is our reality, we just pretend that one belief system is greater than others (my atheism is no less or greater than anyone else's belief).

I left the faith because it felt like bondage to me, even though its word stated otherwise. The day I made the internal decision to be an atheist, I literally felt free. Most of the time, I still do. I spend my time being. I still ask big questions, but I find that I am more at peace not believing than I ever was as a Christian. The time that peace is most at jeopardy is when I come face to face with the pressure to believe in God for my salvation, as though I am in need of saving by a deity that 'knows best' (which is definitely a post for another day).

I am fine as an atheist. I am fine without God. I endeavor to be the best person I can be, a resolve strengthened by casting away my faith. That's what I want my family to see most. No matter what challenges I've gone through, I'm still happy without my faith.

P.S. - If God exists, It must really like me for being an atheist. After I stopped believing, things changed in really great ways for me. I guess It just has a sense of humor ;)