Dissonance and Self-Worth

Once upon a time, 7 billion people, or at the very least 300 million American people I know this story applies to, grew up with the idea that they are wholly inferior. That story was told from many different perspectives: religion (you are not good, you need God or your chosen deity to sanctify and cleanse you to make you suitable for saving), entertainment (buy this because your life is incomplete without it; the only people you see on tv and in movies won't look like you no matter who you are, but especially if you're a racial, sexual, ability, age, etc., minority), life in general (if someone makes 1% higher than you on a test, you automatically set up a hierarchy of intelligence). That story was also found to be inescapable; it was heard no matter where people went, and the most saddening part of that is people heard it so much that they began to repeat it to themselves in their solitude. So, it is no wonder that finding self-worth, personal truths, and the belief that one is enough is something that seemed to happen later rather than sooner, that people had to struggle under the weight of criticism from self and others before they found the truth that is their light and inherent value, and that some even found ways to hurt others because they were hurting. So, what happened to those who found a way to change this story, to discard it or accept it and move on to something brighter?Pema Chodron says that fear is a natural result of moving closer to the truth. I read those words this past spring, but it wasn't until recently that they finally clicked for me. After starting a relationship with a wonderful man, I was floored by my anxiety. Why was it there? Was it a sign to leave? Was I with the wrong person? Yet, as time went by and I learned to accept the anxiety and believe in myself, the anxiety wasn't as strong and the truth was loud and clear: I was afraid, and that is okay.

Anxiety for me is a constant companion. I have to know how to talk to him to make sure I don't end up in a prolonged freak-out. Basically, I have to accept him in my life and the fact that he can be primed at any moment. Sometimes this happens because of cognitive dissonance, the coexistence of two seemingly incompatible thoughts. It is a source of tension for a lot of people, and I think it is at the heart of Chodron's assertion.

We are the people in the story I mentioned before. It's hard to go anywhere without being confronted with this message that we are not enough for whatever reason that is. Maybe we aren't toned and in shape. Maybe we aren't smart enough. Maybe we aren't white, LGBT, able-bodied, young, or wealthy. Who knows. Regardless, we all get this message that we are not worthy of the good that comes into our lives. Yet, the glaring truth is that we are. We are all enough. I am enough. You are enough. So, why is it so hard to believe this? And, when we realize this truth, why does it cause us anxiety? When we find people who make us feel worthwhile, why the tension?

Truth is, at least for me, it wasn't easy to start believing I was worth it. Even after changing the content of my thoughts, I still have moments where I feel I am not worth it. Honestly? That is absolutely okay. I'm challenging all these stories, known and unknown, that I am not worthy of love, that people will leave me, that who I am isn't okay and isn't worth loving. Being with C, I'm challenging my relationship schemas, that they are chaotic, that people won't stay together, and that people aren't to be trusted. So, in all this, I'm pretty much working blind and that is absolutely fucking scary.

At the end of the day, I have to realize where my doubt, tension, and anxiety come from. I have to realize that they aren't the truth, but that it's easy to spiral into believing they are. One crazy thing I've realized lately is that as soon as one of those thoughts comes up, the rest of my world changes around them. I easily fall into the trap of believing things are a certain way just because I think they are. I have to know myself and know that my thoughts are just thoughts and that's okay.

If you're trying to believe in yourself, be happier, or just love yourself, give yourself a break. I think, as long as you're trying, the results will show. For me, they always show up on days when I don't expect them. I'll have a moment where I'm fine, no anxiety, sitting with my boyfriend and realizing how beautiful he is to me and how grateful I am for him, or when I'm looking in the mirror and the person looking back is beautiful and I see nothing wrong with him. The journey is worth it. Fear will still be there, but fear is okay.

Remember: Fear is just moving closer to the truth. And, if this makes sense to you: Faith isn't the opposite of doubt, but certainty is.