A Talk with My Father

I told my father I don't believe in God. He didn't take it well.

He thinks I am an atheist because I want to live a certain 'lifestyle.' He doesn't believe me when I say I'm happy. He finds it insulting that I'm choosing to be atheist and 'choosing' to be gay. He thinks I became gay because I read something and looked at gay porn. He thinks that had he raised me instead of my mother I wouldn't be gay.

He doesn't understand that I can remember early attractions to guys that were not simply out of respect or admiration. He doesn't know about the time when I was around 11 years old and wanted to see the hot boy mow the lawn at the boys' club. He doesn't understand the personal Hell I went through trying to accept being gay, nor the added stress of trying to reconcile my beliefs with my sexual orientation that was sure as hell not a choice. He doesn't understand the prayers to God to make me heterosexual. He doesn't see that I love myself and all that I am now, and that it was the result of leaving faith and religion behind and finally being okay with me.

I love my father and respect him, even though I don't respect his beliefs. That conversation was both hard and easy. Easy because I knew the truth for myself and stayed there. Hard because it hurts him to have a son who is both gay AND atheist.

That conversation made me realize important things. In choosing something that was right for me, not believing and God and accepting that I am gay, I am also hurting someone very close to me. But, I have to ask myself: am I willing to try to be heterosexual, to believe in God and go to church, to make my father happy when I know that it won't make me happy? The answer is no. I'm not willing to sacrifice myself, to change in that way, for the approval of someone else, be that God or my father. I dealt with this when I still believed. I had learned that all Christians have to sacrifice something to have a relationship with God, but I asked God if it was fair that I had to sacrifice something that He (the gender I used for God at that time) had given me? Why did I have to stop being gay? Why give me a 'burden' then tell *me* to cast it off just for God? I stopped believing that God would be such an asshole, even before I decided to cast off my faith.

The talk also made me realize exactly why I make the choices in partners that I do. My father is a reflection of some of the men I've come across, or one in particular. He is not emotionally there like my mothers are. He does not budge. He shows emotion when he's hurt or angry, but not many other times. It was a moment of clarity for me, realizing that there is truth in the notion that we date our parents. It opened my eyes, and that's good, because I don't really want to date my 'mother' or 'father' for reasons I don't care to discuss.

I'm going to have to give him time, and I think I'm finally capable of that. I almost don't care, as long as he still loves and supports me, but I do want those around me to accept and love LGBT people, rather than just merely tolerate them. Christianity is a really dumb excuse to dislike a group of people who don't harm anyone. If you believe in God, it made LGBT people the way they are. And, again, if it did that then turned around and condemned them, that God is an asshole (which I guess means a lot of people believe in an asshole God).

At the end of the day, I can only live for myself. I don't think my father understands that his wanting me to believe in God, go to church, read my bible, and not be gay is a direct affront to who I am and who I want to be, as well as the gateway to psychological trouble. I honestly don't believe he ever will.

I just hope that one day he does.