Open and Honest

Yesterday I had this post planned out. Now, I'm struggling to pull my thoughts together. There are so many.

The past year has been heartbreaking, heart wrenching, beautiful, healing, and inspiring, and I still have a long way to go! I've ended a relationship, finally started to actually date in the casual sense, told my mother and father that I'm an atheist, dedicated my life to love, fucked up any chance of a friendship with my ex, started making amends with others and myself, and began to be honest. So much has happened.

Sometimes, I worry that I'm not being genuine, that I'm faking this Love. I worry that others see me as weird (I know; we've gone over this). I worry that my downs are what people see and define me by. I worry that my downs define me in general. But, when I am honest and compassionate with myself, I find that worry has no place in my life, but will be a constant companion.

I had to learn that, even though I've dedicated myself to Loving, pain and insecurity are still going to be around. I'm still going to have bad days. Things are going to happen that I don't like and that are out of my control. What matters is that I get through each of these things, keeping my faith, hope, and love intact. In fact, I've found that Hope is one of the best, brightest, and strongest parts of me, and it makes my life a lot easier. I mean, where do you get in life without hoping that things will be great?

In an attempt to pull all these thoughts together: my life has changed in a wonderful way, and I'm happy for that. No, everything is not the way I want, but I trust that everything is as it should be, though even this statement is hard to deal with.

I'm done trying to wrest control of everything in my life. I'd rather just take this thing moment by moment. It'd behoove me to be a bit less high strung anyway.