Birthday!

21!

Finally, haha. I spent the day shopping with the Boo and I was happy to have him as a shopping buddy. I didn't buy a whole lot; two sweaters, a hoodie, a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes, plus random things from Bath and Body Works. I put myself on a budget and I have plenty of money left over from Christmas/Birthday because of it. I'm happy with what I bought though.

It's another year for me and New Years is in four days. It's about time for some proactive change for the rest of my life. I'm looking to develop and cultivate myself for 2009 and better my relationship with myself and others.

I've been blessed, I really have. I'm thankful for so much: friends, family, the Boo, school, shelter, food, clothes, and the means to satisfy wants AND needs. It's been another year, and I'm going strong.

It's Christmas Eve!

I love Christmas. I'm never happier during this time of year.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, or your belief's equivalent, because that's how I roll.

And... I'm pretty sure I'm going to learn the dance to Thriller. Yea :)

Update!

So, it has been a very long while. A few updates:

I beat Crisis Core. It was... Beautiful. I liked having the chance to see what went on before one of my favorite games of all time. I understand VII so much more now. The last scene between Cloud and Zack was amazing. I understand a bit more of Aeris' character, too. There were things I didn't catch during my first play of VII that are a lot more clear now, the relationship between Zack, Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Sephiroth especially.

Q and I are in a relationship. Believe me when I say I didn't see it coming. It's interesting adjusting to the no longer single life. I don't feel that loneliness I felt before. I realize that I don't have all the relationship experience in the world (so I wonder if any of my advice is going to change...), so I'm trying to take this one step at a time, emotionally anyway. We've covered all the other bases.....

Anyway, I'm continuing my venture into 30 Rock. Episode 3 was pretty good. The show is starting to live up to its reputation, and I don't feel myself forcing as many laughs. The pilot almost lost me, but now I'm glad I stayed on. Heroes is almost over for this part of the season and I really just don't know what's going to happen, but I can't wait! I'm about to watch the Total Drama Island Finale. Go Gwen!

I need to keep this regular, and I want to. Here's to trying :)

A Few Things...

So, I'm pretty sure I've reached the one year mark. I was going to make a special anniversary post and everything haha! But, alas, I didn't. The blog has still been here for a year, though. So, woo, one year!

I've started writing in my journal again. I had one from four, yes, four years ago that I barely wrote in. So, it's going to fill up one of these days. I was just so upset over the Q thing that I had to put my feelings somewhere (Remember: I don't always talk to people about my problems). I even started my first post just like Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, because, unfortunately, they are pretty damn close to the truth.

So, I don't know what to do with the blog. The whole reason I started it was to put a voice to some of the things I had been feeling. The journal, though, is a lot more therapeutic.

At any rate, I get to eat lunch with one of my favorite and most dear people in the world: Mama C. Seriously, she's a year younger than me but she has a lot of insight and is able to help me with problems in ways other people can't. I also get to meet up with a new prospect, otherwise known as L. I think today is going to be a good day.

Old friends and a (possibly) new boy

Take Your Sweet Time

I was honest.

I said that I'm constantly trying to reconcile my feelings for him with the fact that we are choosing to be friends. I either want to be around him or by myself. And I don't feel bad.

I'm not always terribly honest about my feelings because I'm scared of being hurt. I'm used to being rebuffed when I say how I feel, and that carries. I'm trying to stop being scared of that outcome though. I could be considered crazy, emotional, or whatever, and that very well could be the case. Still, I don't feel bad.

More than anything, I'm glad I got it off my chest. It was painful; it was a distraction. And, for the most part, it's gone. I have the rest of my day, and life, to live.

There should be no regrets when you say how you honestly feel. And there aren't any.

Breaking Point

I'm a weak and vulnerable human being.

But at least I'm growing to be an open and honest weak and vulnerable human being.

More on that later.

Something Everyone Needs to Know

Psychic Energy

Oooo. Haha, no, nothing mystical, supernatural, or superhuman. Psychic energy involves, basically, energy of the mind, the amount of energy you put into tasks, thoughts, etc.

As an introvert, I draw energy from within and find it taxing to be around too many people for long periods of time. As I've mentioned before, it's hard to be around a small group consistently without going crazy. I need and have to take time for myself to think, to recharge, recoup, relax, that kind of deal.

Tonight, I asked Q if he wanted to go eat with me and he said sure. We get there and I pick a table that, by the time we left, is packed. That's my bad. I like being enclosed, but not surrounded. Anyway, two of our friends come over, which was okay, but I would've preferred just eating with Q unless things like that were established. I'm really weird about that kind of stuff. They had more people with them, whom I didn't really want to eat with, so they had to move, and if I wanted to move, I would've gone with them, but I didn't. So one of the friends is communicating across the way with Q through signals and what not and I found myself pissed. Maybe because the spotlight wasn't on me. At any rate, I almost spoke up and said, "You can go sit with them. I'm not stopping you." Like I said, it just made me angry. So, we leave, and I feel not only angry, but like a freaking puppy dog (completely irrational). So, needless to say, I was very happy when we left.

By the time I got back to my room, I was still slightly angry, and I attribute it to the fact that I may have spent a bit more energy than I intended to in the first place. I expected a quiet dinner alone with a friend and felt like I got the exact opposite. I don't like when I'm around people and I feel like they're paying more attention to people that are around than me. I don't like being around a ton of people to begin with, even if I love Christmas at the mall (remember: enclosed, not surrounded).

Whatever, I'm spending my weekend alone, which was the plan. So, I begin my foray into recharge mode. Hook me up :)

Christianity as a Closet

How many gay men and women have we met that fought their sexuality so long through Christianity? We really can't say, because we don't always know. But what strength lies in hiding your homosexuality inside of Christianity? You open the closet and it's there; staring at you. It's like that sweater you can't take back. It's always lingering somewhere in the back of the closet, no matter how hard you try to tuck it back.

Honestly, I find this counter-intuitive. Extremely. When I was younger, trying to use religion as a means of keeping my sexuality a secret caused me more pain than good. Now, I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm gay AND I believe in God. Sometimes you just have to ask :). Joke aside, whether you choose to adopt a gay lifestyle or acknowledge your sexuality and choose a life of celibacy, I don't see the shame in hiding yourself from you. You have to learn to embrace him or her in everything he or she is, good and bad. It's psychologically healthy. Jung's archetype, the shadow, is everything bad we see about ourselves. We can't move forward if we don't embrace the shadow. This doesn't mean coming out with the intensity of a pride parade, but it does mean looking at yourself and saying "I'm gay" and taking it from there. Once it's over, you realize just how simple that is. I understand that family and friends may react negatively; that is always a possibility. As far as that is concerned, do it when you know it's safe. There's a difference between hiding your whole life and hiding until you can handle it.

I'm a firm believer that God can and will love you, no matter what. I'll see my good atheist and agnostic friends in Heaven, or the lack thereof, just like I'll see my gay friends too. And if there's a huge void when we die, well, we can rest easy into the darkness, but I digress. So, why use something that will cause you pain when you choose to hide in it instead of embracing it with who you are completely?

It took me a while to figure it out, and I made peace with my life. I hope you can find that peace with who you are too.

Love.

Savvy

With the election a little more than a week away, I decided I'd spend some time looking up the candidates. I know it's a little late, but I want to be more than sure about my choice. I've pretty much decided who I'm going to vote for, but he's not who I'm going to research.

That's right, I'm going to hit up some McCain info. I decided that my negative bias towards him isn't founded in any true information, so, why not make sure that it is. You know, keeping enemies closer, and I use that term veeeeeery loosely. That being said, I don't know where to start. Wiki's credibility is shot. I can use that for comics, but for political information I want to know as much as possible from a credible source. Needless to say, I'm not going to look at his campaign site. That's where I started, then quickly realized that any information on him is going to be put in a positive light. It's only going to mention the good things he did, not the things that will piss me off. So, no go.

I think what I'm going to do is just hunt for some stuff, find as much information as possible to, like I said, make sure my decision is the one I am comfortable with.

Spending Time Alone

I keep realizing why it's important for me to take some time for myself and think constructively. I start existing outside myself and handling my problems positively, instead of that emotionally debilitating way.

At a book sale a couple of weeks ago I picked up a book entitled When Am I Going to Be Happy?. Of course, I consider myself a relatively healthy human being, but everyone has their troubles. What I found is it helps to pinpoint your problems to efficiently handle them. I've started to realize a lot of things about myself, as well as think about issues that have been around for a while. I am noticing where the problem starts with me instead of someone else.

Q is the best example. I didn't communicate with him at all yesterday, and at some points I did start to think that he doesn't care if I don't talk to him or he doesn't miss me or what have you. When I thought rationally, I realized that's one day we didn't talk to each other. The harm is...? Absolutely nothing. If he's taking time to be by himself, that's his right. I didn't talk to him either; the mutuality that is communication holds accountability on both sides. Quite honestly, I didn't feel like talking to him. If he felt the same, that's his right. Of course, it's not as easy conquering emotions and trying to think objectively, but I'm learning how.

That's What You Get

When you date boys. No, really, it's true!

Why do I keep saying that the closer I get to a boy the more my stress level goes up? Because that, too, is true. Here's the skinny:

Q has taken the time to go off and do his own thing, which is good. He lives his life, and I'm not that much a part of it. It's not easy to get used to hanging out every night then suddenly stopping for who knows what reason. I'm starting to feel like that's something I should do, as well. It's not easy to see him beyond certain scopes, because to do so makes falling for him even worse. I have to keep him in this certain perspective to keep myself in control, and I'm starting to wonder if that's healthy.

TB randomly sends me messages every now and then. Now, sometimes they involve class since we have the same one, just at different times. But, every now and then, he'll make some weird comment, like last night's "I still like you" which prompted a very curt "What?". That was the point where I threw up my hands and said "Ok, screw this. Time to focus on being single. Possibly forever." And I was almost serious.

So, in the words of Paramore, "That's what you get" when you date anything with a penis. It's very confusing and often unpleasant.

Haha :D

Yellow

I know something is wrong with me when I even think of "Yellow" by Coldplay and I almost start crying.

Well, quite honestly, I don't know where to go from there. I had this lingering fear that Q was going to just call it quits today (remember, we're not in a relationship), because he asked to eat lunch together, just us. I'm so on edge that I'm anticipating the day when he says "This probably needs to stop." Which isn't so healthy...

What we have, even if it's not a relationship, is comforting. I like it. But I'm so being defensive, as a dream pointed out to me, that I'm scared of it ending and I'm acting like HE is readily going to hurt me. I'm learning to trust, and it really is a journey. He deserves my trust. All best are off, and I can genuinely trust that he'll be honest with me. That's a little more impressive, and important, than you may think.

It's just... I miss him. I saw him for an hour today since Friday, and I didn't see him that long that day either. I miss him a lot, and he knows. *sigh*

Alone with God

Today, I had to take some time to be alone. With the Q situation, us spending more time together, I'm finding that I'm leaving a lot of things on the wayside, God included. I went out, cleaned my car, bought some random items, and came back to my room, alone.

Part of my personal and spiritual journey is learning how and when to be alone. I find myself clinging to others, whether romantically or otherwise, because I either feel the need to see as many people as possible or because, even if I don't admit it, I don't always like being by myself, often forgetting that it's okay.

I came back to my room and knelt in prayer for the first time in a long time. My prayer wasn't long, it wasn't verbose; it was simple, genuine, heartfelt, and sincere. I asked for forgiveness, I gave gratitude for those who love me; I asked for strength, courage, wisdom, compassion, guidance, and a heart that will be the light to others. I asked for love, not for a significant other, but for love and compassion to show the world, not for someone else to show me. My mind was quiet and focused in prayer, as it needed to be. And you know what? My heart does feel lighter.

I'm still learning how to be alone, still learning how to truly love God. I'm growing, just as I need to be. I shouldn't be afraid to thank him, so I won't. Thank you Lord, truly.

Thank you.

Breaking the Spell

So it has been a long time, almost a whole month. I'm still here, I promise. I just have a couple of things to sort out:

a) My current relationships and
b) How much of my life I put into this blog

I know the latter is my choice, and what I choose to put here is what I very damn well please and if someone wants to bitch they can (says the man with a "secret" blog). The first, well, I think that's sorting itself out like it always does. Basically, I went crazy and got insecure when what I needed was some time away. It's okay to spend time away from the ones you love. I happen to need that me-time.

So, since I have to go to bed early, I promise you a post tomorrow.

Okay....

What the fuck guys, WHAT THE FUCK?!

I guess I'm supposed to figure out everything for myself. No one has to tell me a damn thing. Well, I know what's going on now, but not because anyone told me.

I know it's selfish, but it's justified.

I'm waiting for someone to tell me I'm wrong, absolutely wrong, that I should be worrying about my friends instead of myself. I can't figure out, though, what's right or what's justified. I only believe I'm justified because I feel slighted, but my own issues have at least some relevance here.

Make no mistake, as much as I'm angry, I feel just as much for my friends. I didn't expect this, and I can't say anyone else did either. I just wish someone would talk to me, or do I need to start asking questions?

Let me know what's going on, keep me clued in. If we're calling ourselves a circle, don't just leave this tangent point. Do you see what I mean, where I'm coming from, and why I'm so pissed?

You know, I just don't know anymore. A dynamic is broken and I fear some of my closest relationships are being severed.

Issues

Recently, my roommate and his girlfriend have been at odds (???) I guess you can say. I phrase it like that because, well, I don't know what the hell is going on. All I know is things are weird. Usually she's in the room every night, but she's been staying in her own room lately and the roomie is almost no where to be seen.

The issues that arise?
a) C is visibly upset and has been for the past few days. We don't have the kind of the relationship where she comes to me and vice versa for advice, though I would consider us close.
b) Like I said, I don't know what the hell is going on, and it's been bugging me for a while
c) G knows and so does B, and I found this out when G conveniently takes me out of the room so B and C can talk, and I tell her she doesn't have to stay out with me (I'd just play on my phone) so they go talk and close the door and I'm in their living area watching tv
d) G doesn't want to tell C's business as she puts it, but I walk in one day while she and W are talking and they get quiet and mention a, literally A, mundane thing during the short while I'm there, so I assumed (also risking making myself to be a bigger ass) that they were talking about the aforementioned issue
e) This leads to the dilemma of me not knowing a damn thing, per usual (I just wanted to say that :D). So on top of being worried about C and D and whatever the hell is going on, I'm getting pissed because yet again I'm on the outside of some freaking loop, except this time, IT'S ACTUALLY IMPORTANT!

I understand if C doesn't want to tell me, because I've been in that situation before, but for G to go out of her way to make sure I don't hear anything and then to (once again, assuming) tell W just pisses me off. I'm tired of being around and having people shuffle to other rooms to talk about some apparently secret bullshit. Just writing about it here is starting to make me angry. This isn't just some mild paranoia; I feel like I'm being alienated and like I never know what's going on. I thought this shit was over and I was being delusional, but that may not be true.

It's a little hard to be rational right now.

Ain't No Feeling Like Being...

Scenario:

You meet someone who's pretty damn close to that boy you've always wanted to meet. He's witty, intelligent, cute. The only drawback is that he smokes (which has nothing to do with the scenario at large).

He doesn't want a relationship (guess where I'm going).

You've slept together, you know, in "that" way. You get all cutesy and cuddly and slightly flirtatious, but there are still things you'd fix about this whole situation.

Now, for two people sleeping together, what are you? Are you a couple by merit? Are you just "friends with benefits"? And, more importantly, what will you be? Where does this end?

He says he doesn't form emotional attachments well, he's not interested in a relationship (because he's young, 19, and he's been there before), but you are the exact opposite in those respects.

To me, the most logical answer is: stop. Stop before YOU get hurt. You're going to be respectful of him by not sleeping with anyone else, but it's foolish to believe he's going to do the same. People without limitations take advantage of that. Even people WITH limitations take advantage of that. This whole thing spells disaster if you stay. Because, well, if he's not sleeping with anyone, if he's just sleeping with you, why isn't it a relationship?

Is there such a thing as an exclusive friend with benefits? I guess so, but I'm of the general opinion that any two people sleeping together that aren't in a relationship aren't bound by any rules, which is why this is going to be a really shitty situation for you before long. You'll fall in love, or even just in like, and he won't. Simple. It's hard to trust someone when all bets are off, even though you want to.

If you want me, take me. I'm not waiting til you want a relationship. I'm not waiting at all. I'm not going to start doing other people if I'm with you in any way, but I will end whatever... Thing this is. I'm missing out on you by not being with you, and I'm missing out on my world by not doing what I really want to.

Sorry I just put you on blast.

So, in the end, and in the words of Destiny's Child:

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart's in the right place

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When you've done all you could
But was misunderstood
It's all good

Ain't no feelin' like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
Finally I'm looking out for me

Ain't no feelin' like being free
When your mind's made up
And your heart is in the right place. Yea.

Ain't no feelin' like being free

The Way That Seems Right Leads to Death

On my infrequent sojourn into that good book we all know as the Bible this morning, I came across a verse:

Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death

Of course, I thought nothing but of my own personal covenant with God. The point where I realized that no, you can't pray the gay away, is where things took a turn (seemingly) for the better. I stopped crying and I went to God in prayer, and I said:

Dear Lord,
I come to you, realizing that this "change" is pretty permanent. But, instead of fighting another useless fight, I want to try something new. I want to show you that I can live my life for you (note: developing story), all the while not forsaking the nature that you've given me. I don't believe I can truly be happy while trying my whole life not to be gay. There are countless other sins that don't involve the nature of a man or woman, that, while difficult, can still be discarded. What happiness is there in denying oneself? Am I missing the message in sacrificing life for you? What I'm trying to say is, I want to be happy. And I'm going to try. With you there, but not as a man hiding himself from the world.

Of course, artistic liberties have been taken considering that prayer is years old. What got me thinking even more about that was when I searched for that verse on the net. I found an essay, which could've easily been a sermon. While it did make sense and I found myself relating to most of it, the last point was jarring: once we leave morality delegated by the Bible, we begin to rely on human reasoning and mark our paths into Hell.

I don't know if I can really take that to heart, at all. The Bible can be just as hurtful as it is helpful, which could explain my very awkward and painful teenage years. Trying to cope with the message of God while trying to understand yourself in anyway isn't always easy unless you're born a WASP, in my opinion. And I don't think that people use the Bible as the universal, in every sense of the word, moral guide because we often get things wrong, as I could be doing right now, and innocents get hurt because of that.

Sometimes, this seems right. But did God intend for me to live a life of depression and self-restriction so I can be closer to him? Is it not possible to find a man to love in the light of God? How is this supposed to work...?

I'd feel like I was letting myself down if I chose to completely live for God, let go of the homosexuality and everything, but am I letting him down by living for him and trying to live for myself all the same?

Consider this sacrilege or not, but there is a very good reason that I choose to cling to God instead of man or the "word."

Things to Consider

Originally, I had come up with a pretty interesting idea while brushing my teeth. Then I forgot it and could only remember that it had to do with the duality of something or other. So, today, I bring you this post:

I'm insensible. We all know this. I can be impulsive, stupid, and prone to just going by my emotions and letting them cloud my judgment (which is ironically pretty intact). So, with any new romantic situation I find that there's a lot of purpose in me remaining single.

I'm getting close, but I still haven't learned to truly be "by myself." I know what it feels like, but I don't know the full security of being single and alone, and not in that usually painful way. I still get upset at unreturned txts or calls. I still get jealous for no reason at all when I have no need to be. I don't think I'm as strong as I want to be or could be. Not should be, no one "should" be anything, should is a very very bad word.

I realized within this past week that I still need to:
a) Grow more comfortable with myself
b) Keep priorities in line (which includes the hierarchy of interaction, i.e. family over friends over love interests, so on and so forth)
c) Stay focused on things that are not only important, but that don't distract me in any way, form, or fashion.

Instead of worrying about some damn boy, I need to surround myself with friends and the people that matter. It's so easy for me to get lost in the land of almost-romance, because the land of romance is incredibly elusive and will more than likely take a change of habit, thought, and behavior (yes). Too often I allow my world to change for someone else or how they made me feel. This, my fair readers *cricket*, is what needs to change.

In the words of Destiny's Child:

"Time is of the essence and it's much to short to waste another minute on you. While you're steady telling lies, I'm packing, saying 'Bye.' I thought you were my dream come true."

So, here begins the rest of my day, sans boy-stress.

Amen.