McCanceGate

I do not consider this a victory. For one small man from a small town from Arkansas, almost the butthole of Ameria, to be lambasted and eventually resign from his post is no big feat. I don't know if he should have been fired. I don't know if he should have resigned. I do know that what he said was deplorable and the outcry that followed is what he deserved. Though I know the inevitable anxiety that would await me, I'd want someone to correct me if I said something offensive, too. But him no longer being part of the school board is not something I think is a big win.

Yes, this whole event shows that we won't put up with people saying things like that anymore. But now, those people who do and say hateful things will step away from the spotlight and therefore away from scrutiny. They will continue to talk this way and teach their children the same hateful things from the privacy of their homes. Where, then, is our victory?

What about Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Pat Roberson who get away with saying hateful and misinformed things all the time? Where is their fall? Where is our victory in our battle with big captains, not lonely privates? Why are they still able to disseminate all that they do to awaiting audiences?

I don't like supporting small causes that I feel don't get anything done. I won't boycott Target because the company gives money to an anti-gay legislator. Why? I don't think it solves our problem. We sure as hell aren't showing Target who's boss because Target is still boss. I feel like we fight so many futile battles for the sake of rights. I want to marry my boyfriend one day. I want to adopt kids. I don't want to be discriminated against because I am black and gay. Now, how the hell does taking down Clint McCance solve ANY of those problems for me? I don't believe his apology was genuine. I feel like he dodged questions. And he resigned. So what? He's probably just as bitter as ever about this whole situation. I saw a commentor write that he still owns small businesses and that McCance should be begging on the street for money. How far do we have to go and are we willing to go to get our rights and recognition?

I wish, like many other LGBTQQA individuals, that I could revel in this and believe that a change is coming. But, I don't. I don't consider this a victory. There is far, far too much work left to do.

And how am I going to be part of the Dream that Martin Luther King, Jr. had? How am I going to be part of the solution?

Ex-Gay

There are many reasons that even the term ex-gay can rile me up, independent of the ideologies and beliefs that are behind it. First, I believe that sexuality is fluid, but I also believe that it has a core. We identify ourselves as a certain sexual orientation because it helps categorize us, but also because we find that the words heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual ring true to us (please forgive me for the circular logic).

However, I also hate the term ex-gay and all things that pertain to it because I feel like it is an invalidation of an identity that I did not want in any way, shape, form or fashion but that I now like and want to love. It entails change from sexual orientation. Where was that 7 years ago when I was scared to even mention the word gay to my friends and family for fear that I would lose absolutely everything? I often ask myself, 'If people find change so possible, then where is my change? Why did God not answer my prayers to make me straight?' I prayed hard for a while that I would change, that I would be 'normal'. No one should ever have to do that. No one should ever feel like they need to change in order to be loved.

There really are times that I don't understand my own feelings. I could not classify myself as 100% homosexual. I have no desire to carry on a sexual relationship with a woman, but there's that tiny thought that, like when I was 14 and 15, things could change, that I would have to re-establish myself one more time and let go of someone I cherish so much, even if being straight made my life easier.

I don't believe that people can change their sexuality. They can change their behavior, but not who they are. With that said, I also don't believe it's right to stand in the way of someone who wants to change their sexuality. That is their choice. If they are happy later in life because of trying to change, then I think it's worth it for them. However, it is not worth it for me. I don't believe the bunk that I cannot be fundamentally happy because I'm gay and because I'm deluding myself. I've battled with the idea that my life isn't whole and isn't complete because I haven't devoted it to God and because I'm gay. I still fight with it. But I know myself, and enough of psychology, to know that I don't have to beat myself up for being gay and wanting, for once and finally, to be gay and love who I am.

Ms. Marvel: Binaries

Eh, it's a tentative title, but one I would possibly use for a Ms. Marvel video game. To me, Carol Danvers is THE leading lady of Marvel. I love and adore her and I believe she deserves her time in the spotlight.

About three years ago, I played Marvel Ultimate Alliance for the first time and discovered a new character. "Who the hell is Ms. Marvel?" I tried her out anyway and found out I LOVE her. Her power and skill sets were what I'd wish for (save for any psychic abilities). The more research I did, the more I found I liked her. Over the years I've asked myself "Why is Carol often B-Listed? Why is she on the back burner?" Though this is not a post about feminism or the lack of strong female representation as compared to male in mainstream comics, I do think that it is an issue.

To get to the matter at hand, if I designed a Ms. Marvel video game, I'd more than likely make it a side-scrolling beat-em-up game. I miss the format and think it would be cool to bring it back. I imagine Carol doing a pre-stage pose or something like a quick one-liner or walking onto the screen in her civvies and then quickly changing into her costume. I also imagine using instrumentals from Kylie Minogue's music as background music.

That's basically all I have. I don't have a story lined up, though I'd probably make a villain specifically for the game. But given the chance, I would love to design/make a Ms. Marvel video game. She deserves it.

Offensive

So, we have another instance of what some people call homophobia. I'm sure people may not agree with me on what I'm about to say, and from what I've searched, only a couple (seriously) of people are on my side. What I consider my vocal opposition is winning out.

Michael Catherwood of E! made a remark about Adam Lambert in response to potential battery charges for Mr. Lambert in regards to a "run-in" with a paparazzo, stating, "From what I know about jail, Mr. Lambert probably wouldn't have too bad a time." I thought it was funny. Lambert responded by calling out Catherwood and fans responded by alerting GLAAD. Catherwood then made an apology via Twitter. Now if this turns out like a certain celebrity star's fiasco (Hello, Ryan Leslie!), then I'll quickly label Catherwood a raging douche. But, as it stands, he made a joke. If he needs to issue an apology, Daniel Tosh (whom I also love) may need to be sued.

Now, I would like to say before I go shower for talking about minor celebrity gossip (yes, I do feel dirty, but that may be the post-workout talking), I'm not for defending Catherwood. I am, however, for calling out organizations like GLAAD (whom I actually do appreciate for most of their work) and people like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton (...let's not get started) for constantly crying racism or homophobia. They seem to not exercise much discretion in picking their battles. Catherwood is an easy target. How about we hit Christine O'Donnell for calling homosexuality an "Identity Disorder" or Fred Phelps in freaking general.

I am a firm believer that constantly calling homophobia, racism, or sexism isn't making people more aware, nor helping us progress as a society. In fact, I think it pushes us back. Yes, we need to be aware of insensitivity, but we don't always need to make an outcry or force people to make apologies. I also don't like that Adam Lambert's fans jumped on a bandwagon to support him; I don't feel like the fans are necessarily supporting gay rights. If Justin Bieber or the Jonas Brothers were insulted, a lot of fans would do the same because they are fans, not to act in the welfare of someone else who might have been insulted or disrespected as a result.

I don't know why I feel so passionate (or possibly obsessed) about this issue, but it raises some concerns. Let's teach our children NOT to act this way or make insensitive comments instead of crying foul when the slightest thing happened. We have bigger and better targets to pursue; to me, these little battles mean nothing. Score one for gay rights? No. Score publicity for Adam Lambert, E! and Michael Catherwood? Definitely.

Also, I don't like Adam Lambert, so I am biased, but I'd stand my ground if the issue involved anyone else (John Mayer didn't offend me when he said the n-word; I just thought it was fucking stupid).

Let's pick our battles. There are such things as institutionalized and/or covert racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. Crying foul isn't going to teach people what these things are; it will only polarize them. Teaching people to be more accepting and aware without making people issue half-hearted apologies is.

Batman and Adlerian Psychology

I'd LOVE to do this as a longer and in-depth analysis, but here's Batman at a glance through Adlerian psychology:

Batman is one of the most recognizable superheroes today, but many may not know that he has issues with emotional distance and trust. He keeps himself preoccupied with fighting and solving crimes (self-absorption), but keeps himself at a distance from others. What is interesting about Batman is that he uses his striving for superiority to save Gotham City and the world at large. He also can be said to have a high level of social interest (he works to save others, he has taken many wards under his wing and supported them, he refuses to kill). He seems to be unaffected by his status as an only child and a very wealthy man. However, his trust issues still stand.

Batman’s main struggles come in the form of mistrusting others, including those whom he should logically trust, problems with intimacy, and secrecy. A major theme of Batman’s behavior comes from Adler’s idea of compensation: When he was young, he lost his parents to a gunman whose identity he did not know for many years. This event had a major effect on his desire to help others because he felt as though he could not help himself or his parents when they died. Interestingly, Batman does not show more of the maladaptive aspects of having a pampered lifestyle as an only child; he uses the events that had transpired in his life to save others. He already has prosocial goals, but these goals are simultaneously self-absorbing. The issues of trust may have developed after years of fighting crime, making Batman fearful of revealing his identity to others as a means to exploit him (Jezebel Jet) or harm those he loves. These issues have interfered in his relationship with Selina Kyle (Catwoman) and other superheroes, including an incident where he created “contingency files” in the case that any of his fellow members of the Justice League went rogue.

The first step in helping Batman overcome his trust and intimacy issues is to do a lifestyle analysis to see if he has any cognitive mistakes. I can imagine that one mistake would be his holding most people at a distance (save for a small number). It may also be helpful to try the “as if” or “push button” technique. He can act “as if” he is a trusting individual when it comes to relationships with other women, though I could imagine he may be resistant to such a technique. He can also “push the button” on feelings of trust he has for people like Dick Grayson (Nightwing), Alfred, or Commissioner Gordon. He has been let down by many people in his life, and Jezebel Jet provides an unfortunate example as to why he may not trust some love interests. Batman may take a more in-depth analysis as to what techniques may help him the most. In the meantime, these may be a good first step.

Introspection v. 1.0

Not sure if this is going to be a regular thing, but I think it'd be cool, whether on here or in a written journal (my Goal Book is the current home). Anywho, I took some time to just think. That's it. Think. I needed it. I needed to get some things off my chest, whether or not it was to someone else.

After the break-up, my self-esteem and self-worth took a great hit. I didn't even realize it until recently. When I see an attractive guy, I go "Ooooh damn..." then I go "He'd never want me..." Of course, pining after straight men doesn't help, but I won't talk to anyone. Not because I'm a wimp, but because I don't think anyone will take me. I almost feel like no one wants me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worth the love. But why? My self-worth is not contingent upon a man's love or attention. I know this. So why am I not acting like it? Why am I not taking charge of my life, my love life? There is also the issue of auto-sabotage. I feel like anything I start is destined to fail because I will make it fail. I will find the smallest doubt, the smallest insecurity, and magnify it 'til where I can't deal with it anymore. My standards have been impossibly high, even though I'm looking like nobody's business. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I love being alone. I hate being lonely. The catch is that I'll search and search but knock people off my list. I don't want to be lonely, but I'm not willing to find the next random guy to make me feel whole. I refuse to let anyone in my life that isn't up to my (impossibly high) standards.

Other than that, I realized just how much things have changed for Z and I. I'm at a much more comfortable place with the whole situation. Of course our end was amicable. Sad, but amicable. Last night we talked for a bit and it was nice, but I see where we both are headed as people. We aren't going to be best friends. We aren't going to share every detail of our lives. We'll just be friends. It's weird to think about, but it also gives me a sense of resolution. I think that chapter's just about done, if not over, and now I feel like any decisions I've made regarding it.... They stand. No more uncertainty.

So, with all that being said...

Until Further Notice,

Allen

There's a Reason

I knew there was a reason I changed the name of this blog. It was previously "Auriel's Kataomoi" or Auriel's Unrequited Love (kataomoi = unrequited love in Japanese). Auriel was to be my pen name, but that is neither here nor there (I've been saying that a lot lately). But I wanted to turn away from that. I basically said to myself, "Quit being so damn emo." But that was it, I started this blog to talk about unreciprocated, unrequited love. I needed some place to go, because I don't talk to people, not about this. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn't go sleep with someone else (I know you know that reference).

But I changed the name to "Until Further Notice" because that statement has a lot of use. Until further notice, I may not be okay. I am not whole, though I endeavor to be. I am looking for love, though I am most assuredly not finding it (and possibly pushing it away: to be discussed in the next post). Until further notice, until I let you know something changed, this is the state of my world.

I like this blog as an outlet. Yeah, I kinda do it for attention because I like attention and LOVE when people comment. But I also do it because there are a lot of things swirling in my head that I want to get out there and I don't know who to talk to about them. Those things range from politics to love to loneliness (next post) to religion and a wide variety of things.

There is a reason I do a lot of things. I wish I could say I pride myself on knowing my exact reasons, but I am no where near that congruent, though I am working on it. So...

Until Further Notice,

Allen

Gay and Republican: Maybe Not So Hypocritical

When we hear about gay Republicans, there is the collective GASP. We say, "How can you be gay and conservative?" "Do you care about your own rights?" "You can't be gay and Republican." And I'm just not so sure these statements are all in the right area.

I call myself a liberal because I support liberal social politics. I am pro-choice; I support gay-marriage and adoption. But what about economics? The environment? Education? I don't know what it means to be either liberal OR conservative about those issues. I just know where I stand on them, with economics to a lesser degree. When we call someone conservative or liberal, I think we just stop at the social meaning which often gravitates around the question "Do you like gay people and support gay rights?" A yes will elicit "Well, you must be a liberal," and a no will elicit "You fucking conservative."

Maybe we aren't giving gay republicans their due. Just because they are Republican or consider themselves conservative may not mean that they don't support gay rights. In the media we often see the polarized versions of Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberal. They are either one or the other and very strongly so. However, I'm sure we've all met a Republican who actually supported gay marriage or a Democrat who didn't. What does it take to be considered one or the other? Must you be either in every possible way, or can you have more moderate, and even some opposite leaning, views?

I recently read about a gay Republican conference with the one and only Anne Fucking Coulter as a speaker. Now, I always thought she hated the gays. Why is she speaking at a gay conference? That's a story for another day. I read up on these particular Republicans and found that while they use that label, they are also in support of gay marriage. It was a shock; I always found gay and Republican/conservative to be mutually exclusive. That was my turning point.

I think we are being shortsighted when we assume that all conservatives hate gay people and don't support gay marriage and that gay people can't hold conservative views. We see what a certain conservatism looks like in the supporters of Prop 8, who use hollow arguments to support their claims. But what about others? What about liberals or Democrats (a lot of people see them as one in the same for some reason) who actually don't support gay marriage? What about clearly outspoken conservatives like Elizabeth Hasselbeck who actually do (trust me, I was just as surprised as you are)? Why do we keep putting people in boxes and only assigning them the most naive, idealistic qualities or the worth and most negative qualities?

People exist on a spectrum. Their views lie on a political or ideological spectrum. Gays can be Republicans just like they are most often assumed to be Democrats or liberals. I know where I stand. It's time I and others recognized that just because we are gay does not mean we all have the same views.

My Hands

This summer has been full of things for me. Inside the mediocrity that is working and living I have read many books, made a list of goals to accomplish for the moment and in the next year, drank, taken bubble baths, ended a relationship, pondered new ones, beaten a video game and gotten closer to people whom I've always wanted to build a relationship with.

The game I beat, Final Fantasy XIII, was beautiful, but that is a story for another day (which I should actually do). The end theme, "My Hands" by Leona Lewis, is both beautiful and inspiring. I listened to it non-stop after I beat the game because, at that point, it was an anthem and a testament to getting up and moving, even when you don't want to, even after so long. After Z and I broke up, it became my anthem, my manifesto. Even when I didn't feel like getting up and going about my day, I'd do it. When I had moments that made me feel so weak I wanted to drop to the floor and scream, I didn't. I kept moving. I had to force myself to keep going. Melodrama aside, the song really did keep me going.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't made my bed in the morning (or when I finally decide to get up). I eat breakfast every day. I've started to floss AND brush my teeth at night (no comment...). In short, though My Hands would love to be held again, especially by someone whom I cared so deeply about, I know they may not be for a while. And that is okay. My world is feeling warm again. I can feel the winter melting away into my new spring.

The song also has a sense of resolution, even in its words of uncertainty and longing for a past love. My summer has the same feeling. My life is reaching a point of closure, the end of a chapter to usher in the next one. So many things will change, even in the next month, and I am getting ready to face them. I will enter a new chapter in my life.

Here's the song (with the nifty FFXIII logo :D)

Let It Out - Deux

Here is the PV to "Let It Out" by Miho Fukuhara. I'll let the song do the talking.

Gay

Today, I cried for all the people I know and for the many I don't know who have suffered some kind of injustice or unkindness because they were gay, whether from their parents, friends, government or even complete strangers. Today, I also cried because I am lucky.

I didn't get bullied in high school; I was off the radar. My mom didn't, and still may not, like that I'm gay, but she loves and supports me regardless. There is not a day that I am not thankful for all she has done for me. I haven't lost any friends because I'm gay, and, for the most part, I've had better relationships than worse. I was and am lucky. I don't deal with the same struggles as my brothers and sisters in some nations in Africa or the Middle East, where they could very well forfeit their lives for love of someone of the same sex. I've never been kicked out or abused because I am gay. I am lucky. I am loved. And so is everyone else. So should they be.

There isn't much I can do from this point and position in life besides offer my support. For anyone who has been subject to homophobia or abuse, I am so sorry. I don't think anyone should ever have to endure that just because they like or love someone of the same sex or a different race, religion, ethnicity, etc. But, even if our music and our movies constantly talk of love, our world is not one as full of love as it is of hate and despair. You know what, though? It so could be.

We could create a world where EVERYONE was loved, where we all coexisted and no one had rights taken away except for those who seek to take the rights from others (I'm looking at you, Prop 8 supporters). Being gay would be no different from being straight. Being black, asian, white, hispanic, middle eastern, european, latin would be no different from each other. In fact, none of these things are essentially different (we simply are one, maybe even more, of these things) besides some physical representation, but we treat them as wholly different and unequal.

I've thought of becoming a counselor for gay and lesbian people, adolescents and adults alike. That way, I can leave my mark and change lives in a way that I believe I was made for. I may end up pursuing this endeavor.

Until then, we must all, gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, and questioning, keep our heads high. The world won't be like this forever. We were chosen to exist here and now for a reason. If not, then I offer an apology for each of your struggles.

Color

One: I really love one word titles, even if they do seem pretentious at times.

Two: The paradox of the word pretentious is that you have to be pretentious to even use it.

Three: I actually am going to write about something substantial.

Anyway, as you may or may not know, I am currently living in an apartment. It is a lovely experience, except for losing $300 more dollars every month. Said apartment complex has a pool that my roomie and I visit at least once a week. In going to the pool I have gotten much more sun than usual and have become darker. I'm not like black black, but I am considerably more brown than I used to be. Every time I come in from the pool I look darker, much darker by my own perception, though this wears off after a while. I like getting sun but I don't want to be dark. For some reason, I equate dark with bad. Why?

I'm not attracted to dark-skinned men. It's just not my thing. I think part of this stems from the stigma among the black community that the darker you are, the worse off you are. I've mentioned before the concept of being marked (at least I think I have). By being anything other than white and straight and male, you're automatically marked, but the more you differ from others the worse your mark. Long ago, dark skinned people probably had it worse than their lighter compatriots. I think that stigma carries.

Light skinned people are more often viewed as beautiful. You don't want to be dark. So, when I looked down at my skin yesterday and realized that I am still that wonderful caramel color, just a bit darker, I was relieved. I had to stop and think, though, about my aversion to becoming darker. I feel like I won't have as great a chance as finding a guy (it really sucks when someone tells you that he's 'not into black guys,' even if he's completely honest). My skin color shouldn't be an issue. I don't find a lot of Asian men attractive (except Harry Shum, Jr.), but I'm never going to tell an Asian man I won't date him because 'I'm not into Asian men.' I don't know if this is sugarcoating (okay, it is), but I will say, 'No,' and it should be as simple as that.

I love my skin color and always have. Any darkening of the skin won't be (too) permanent, so I shouldn't worry. But I should never have to worry that people will see me differently if I am darker, and I should never treat someone differently because my skin is lighter or darker than theirs. Our skin color should never be a determinate in those we find attractive or of how we treat others.

Yet, why do we still even worry about that?

Attendance

I'm going to go on the record and say that I do not think it necessary, at all, for one to attend church to be saved or receive or even seek salvation. Yes, I think it helps, but I don't believe it's necessary. My parents and many others will disagree, I know, but I've thought this for a long time.

I appreciate the fact that my mother eventually gave me the choice of whether or not to go to church. It is a freedom I would not have had in my father's home. I know it would make her happy to see me go every Sunday, but she also knows that I may not be happy there. This isn't an issue of sexual orientation for me, like many people believe it is, though it may have started as one. As I got older, I began to realize that I'd rather spend my Sunday in bed watching cartoons, not going to a church service where I felt my and other's actions were mechanical, that I did everything because everyone else did. I didn't ever feel the need to raise my hands to God except to do what everyone else did. I don't think tithing is the way to prosperity. I believe in God and I am growing comfortable with him, but I think he and I both know that I am more comfortable outside of church.

I have had some good experiences there. I have also had some pretty damn boring experiences (church and calculus both make for a good nap; Sorry, God). And not going to church fits right in line with no desire to go and a desire to do nothing. What I don't get though, is the pressure to go. My parents say it is necessary to fellowship. When I get an inkling to go, is that God speaking to me? Am I ignoring his will? Am I being to comfortable not going? I am open to going in the future, but only if I so choose. It's not wrong for me to believe differently or have a faith that isn't the same as others, so why do I feel like my faith absolutely must be the same?

I don't intend to have my father's faith, though that's what he keeps impressing on me. His way is the right way because he believes he's on the right path. There is no room for deviation. There is only damnation awaiting me. I don't subscribe to that. I do, however, believe that my own personal faith is private. It is not something I intend to share. I will discuss and contemplate with others the nature of faith, God, religion, spirituality and things of the like. I won't, however, share, or even be able to share, the most intimate and innermost parts of my personal belief system. I wake up in the morning and pray for guidance, strength, forgiveness, and protection for myself and everyone else in this world. I am becoming truly happy. To me, this is perfect. I hate to break tradition or be the spiritual (not religious) black sheep of my family, but that's where I feel at home.

I just wish others could see that.

Let It Out

I'm not going to give you a real blog post. At least, I don't think I am right now. Anyway, here are the lyrics to my newest favorite song. They speak volumes.

Let It Out - Miho Fukuhara

Let it all out, Let it all out
強がらなくていいんだね
誰かが描いてった　壁の落書きの花が　揺れる

自分らしさなんて　誰もわからないよ
長い長い道の途中で　失くしたり拾ったり
急に寂しくなって　泣いちゃう日もあるけど

涙も　痛みも　星に変えよう
明日を照らす　灯りをともそう
小さく迷っても　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を探そう

Let it all out, Let it all out
足りないことだらけだよね
足りなくていいんだね　だから君と出会えたんだ

「確か」が何なのか　それが知りたくて
小さなナイフを靴下に隠してた
強がってついた　嘘の方がずっと痛かった

本当は　恐いよ　だけど生きてく
笑顔の君を風が撫でてく
小さな手かざして　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を探そう

正しいことが間違ってたら　どうすればいい?
悲しいことが正しかったら　受け入れるだけ?
失くしたと思ってた　でも君が知ってた
君がいて　本当によかった

涙も　痛みも　星に変えよう
明日を照らす　灯りをともそう
小さな手かざして　ふたりで作ろう
星屑を　強く光る永遠を

さよなら　いつかは来るかもしれない
季節はそれでも巡り巡ってく
小さく迷っても　歩いてく
君と歩いてく　それだけは変わらないでいようね

Translation:

Let it all out, let it all out You don't have to act so brave The flowers that somebody scribbled on the wall are swaying Nobody knows what makes them unique We both lose and gain By embarking on this long, long path And though there may be days Loneliness strikes and makes us weep Let's turn our tears and pain into stars We'll light a candle to illuminate our tomorrow Even if we get a little lost, together we'll make stardust We'll search for the eternity that shines so brightly Let it all out, let it all out There's a lot of things you lack, aren't there? But it's okay you aren't perfect That's how I met you in the first place You wanted to know what exactly what tomorrow was You had a little knife hidden in your sock But putting on a brave face and telling the lie Hurt so much more I know that you might be scared But you'll keep moving forward The meaning behind your smile is playing in the wind Let's hold up our little hands And together we'll make stardust We'll search for the eternity that shines so brightly What should we do if what we thought was right Turns out to be wrong? We can only accept that some truths will cause us sorrow I thought I had lost everything But only you know it's not like that I'm so thankful that you're here with me Let's turn our tears and pain into stars We'll light a candle to illuminate our tomorrow Let's hold up our little hands And together we'll make stardust For an eternity that shines so brightly There may come a day when we have to say goodbye Yet the seasons continue to change obliviously Even if I lose myself, I'll continue to walk Walk by your side That's one thing I'd like to never change

Anything Can Change

I cling to the belief that any new person can meet you around any corner, whether he is good or bad. With each new breeze, choice, decision, or moment you can meet someone who will change you life. I use this belief to search for my soulmate, though it is not one of my more healthy beliefs.

It isn't easy to come to terms with feelings of loneliness, let alone make them go away in a healthy manner. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm constantly searching, on the hunt for someone who will make my life just a little bit more worthwhile. The kicker is that, while I feel this is an unhealthy and obsessive behavior, I'm not stupid enough just to jump in bed with any random person to make the loneliness go away. I know what will and won't make me happy. So, the damage is two-fold: I make unhealthy obsessions with likely partners but am not willing to just go along with whatever is thrown my way.

Yes, I believe that anything can change. However, I can also change. I can be happy watching my favorite movies alone or with my roommate or with friends and NOT looking for booty, in simple and almost crude terms. Waiting is worthwhile, it's just also unpleasant. I wish I could take my mind off of it, but it's not easy.

So, what I'm going to do is revel in the feelings I have right now: Of being alone, not lonely, and resting, relaxing, and crying when the best parts of this movie come on.

Strangers

I just watched New York, I Love You, which, to me, is every bit as beautiful as its predecessor, Paris, Je T'aime. It is a film with a different story for each scene, except this time there were interludes showing the connections between different characters. It is a movie about the interconnectedness of our lives, even in a city as large as New York City.

It made me think: How much of my life is an interlude?

What parts of my life exist as the waiting rooms for the major chapters in my life thus far? Where is there a beautiful lull, a chance to set up the next meetings and interactions? Where do I connect with others whom I don't know, but could know? Where do our stories intercede and branch off into two, or more, separate lives, adventures, or even tragedies?

One thing The Velvet Rage mentioned was that we shouldn't let our sexual appetites dictate whom we choose to talk to or associate with? If we are only talking and making (futile) connections with those whom we are attracted to, we miss out on so much. I could miss my next closest friend or most bitter enemie. A lover or a hater. Despite what poles the people we could meet occupy, our interactions with them are no less beautiful. As Kahlil Gibran says in "On Pain:"

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

I think that can apply to people as well. If we can "keep [our] hearts in wonder," those who dislike us, or whom we dislike, may not be any less wondrous than the people we love, for they help define our lives just as those who love us do.

So, I want to meet a stranger. Maybe to love, maybe just to talk. I want to feel the beauty of life's intersections, of the avenues through which we meet people who impact our lives in a variety of ways.

Rage

I am reading Dr. Alan Downs' The Velvet Rage for the second time in my life. It is full of insight and revelations for me. It is a quick read and I love what I am learning about myself and my life and how I can change it for the better.

It talks about how to live and cope with being in our world as a gay man. It talks of our difficulties in relationships, how we deal with shame, the fact that we may have shame in the first place, and how to move toward a truly authentic life. I loved it the first time, but I am learning so much more this time. Of the hallmark lessons is that sometimes the pain you experience from interaction with others isn't your fault. Not to say that it is theirs, but definitely to say that you are not to blame.

Sometimes I wonder, know, and wonder again whether I am still dealing with emotional pain from previous relationships. Sometimes the thought of those people fills me with anger, even if I am unable to recall all of the things they said or did. But, it was still refreshing to read that it wasn't my fault. I was not to blame. But, also, that the pain I experienced with them may have been a result of pain they had gone through as well. I'm not relegating my reactions or anything I did to those people. I am fully responsible for those. However, I am saying, and practically refusing, to carry around those wounds forever. Maybe this is my first step at closing those wounds, maybe I have taken the steps before, or maybe I have yet to make such a bold move.

Another thing that sticks out to me, though, is whether or not I have perpetuated any cycles of distress, pain, or invalidation as a result of my own experiences. No, they were not life-ending, threatening, or challenging, but they sure as hell did suck, and they are all I can draw from as far as any kind of psychological trauma is concerned. Still, I do not want to be the agent of pain for someone else at all and especially not because of pain that I had gone through in the past.

So, to someone I know will read this maybe as soon as I post it, maybe in a matter of days, weeks, months, or whatever period of time: I hope that you did not have to suffer because I had been hurt before. I hope that our relationship did not create scars that you will have to live with forever, or for any moment in time. I hope that this post isn't setting you back emotionally or creating any distress. If so, I will gladly take it down and keep it in the private recesses of my mind. Even if we did not work out, we should not have to carry around the pain or invalidation of others. You should never have to be suspicious of another person or relationship because of anything I did, and I truly hope this is not the case. Now is the time for both of us to heal; there should be no deep scars or biting truths. You are, were, and will be a wonderful person, one that needs to and will grow, just the same as me. You can consider this an apology, reconciliation, promise, an urging for you to grow, live long and prosper, and ultimately to heal. There are lessons to be learned and love for ourselves and for others we meet in the future to grow.

We must live truly authentic lives to be happy. Sometimes this means glamour and money, other times it means tranquility and solitude. I want to enhance this process in people's lives, not hinder it. I am going to try my best to make sure that the men that romantically enter my life do not have to suffer any scars at my hands, and I pray to God that no one has by this point. I refuse to be content with the way things were if it has caused someone pain, and will help facilitate healing in any way possible, but I also refuse to let the pain of others interfere with my own healing and acceptance of myself if it does not need to.

Dating Myself

Yes, it does sound a bit... Off. But I'm interested in the concept.

I once read in a book, Finding the Perfect Boyfriend, that we should go on dates with our inner boyfriend. It's okay to go out to dinner, to the movies, or stay at home and have a nice romantic date with him. Of course, he is you and you are him and you're both one nice little complete puzzle. He is your key to understanding how to love and appreciate yourself, to being alone, but also to taking steps toward truly loving someone else. You're alone to everyone who can physically see you, but on the inside you're getting in touch with someone and something that may just allow you to have a more fulfilling intrapersonal and interpersonal life.

No, I'm not exactly reeling from my recent breakup, but it has been an event that other events in my life are drawing from. I'm adjusting to being single, not having as many rules, sleeping alone, and just being alone in general. I don't think I've completely learned how to love myself, so every breakup thus far is a reminder that when the love of someone else is not longer present, the love of myself should be sufficient to keep me happy and not wanting to dive into the arms of another man to try to fill whatever I feel is missing in my life.

I miss the transparency; I'm never as honest with my friend or my family as I am with my partner, something that needs to change. I'm the only person who knows why I keep adding guys on Facebook, why I got wasted last week (bad night), why I am constantly searching for someone attractive and male to talk to: because I'm alone, but still lonely. I'm old enough to know that anything I start now could be detrimental to myself and whatever person I'm involved with, but it is still a viable option so that I'm not both alone AND lonely, at least for a little while.

So, I'm going to have a date with myself, to bring myself one step closer to recovery and being happy being alone. I'm going to cook dinner, read a book, get some ice cream, and go to a book store. Because I can and because there are many other things I could do that wouldn't be good for me and end up making me hurt worse. But, also, because I want to love myself, to be happy in my skin and my circumstances.

One day I'll be able to approach someone with the maximum amount of love I can offer because, that day, I will love myself fully and completely. The love of someone else will be a pleasure, a bonus, and a gift.

The Last Airbender (Fuck You Shyamalan)

So, The Last Airbender was so fucking bad. Usually I watch my language closer on this and Twitter but uh....

Yeah, it was so fucking bad. First, let's take the casting. I made a blog post about it and I still had my issues. However, the people who boycotted the movie won't know how bad it was unless they see it (well, also if they read my and others' blogs). How can the principle characters in a movie about a show based on MANY eastern cultures be white? How about the extras? There's no excuse to hire almost an exclusively white cast when most of the extras are from another ethnicity. No fucking excuse. Also, the firebenders are based on Japanese people. Making the principle antagonists of the film of Middle Eastern descent is not a good idea, especially in light of our current relationship with that region of the world.

Second, pronunciations. Sah-ka! Not Soh-ka. Aing! Not Awng! Ah-va-tar! Not Aw-va-tar! Fuck you Shyamalan! I saw a commercial for a game based on the movie and they pronounced Aang's name Awng. That was my first sign. No, wait, Shyamalan directing was my first sign. Anyway, I know the show is based on other cultures, but you can't change how things are pronounced in a movie based on the show, whether or not they are western or eastern pronunciations.

Third, Katara, one of my FAVORITE characters and an all around strong female lead... Was little and whiny in this film. She did not measure up to the Katara from the series.

Fourth, Sokka wasn't fucking funny.

Fifth, Shyamalan.

So, along the way I lost my train of thought. It's okay; I'm drowning out the bad movie experience with a beer and the GOOD Avatar: The Last Airbender. Seriously, screw Shyamalan. This movie really is not worth seeing.

Identity

I've recently gone through a pretty big change. My boyfriend and I broke up after a little over a year together. So, I've taken this time to reinvent myself, to change some things. In the midst of my latest revamp, I still have to take time to cope and heal, so I went on a shopping trip. Hello retail therapy. Well, I found a cute pair of glasses at Claire's and couldn't and wouldn't skip the opportunity. I've gotten a lot of compliments and a lot of questions of prescription, but I love them. The only catch is that they don't feel like a true part of my identity.

I think it is something that will come in time. I want them to be a permanent accessory. But when I feel them, see the frames, and look in the mirror, I feel like a different person. So, with the glasses I almost get to pretend, I get to be someone else with different problems and concerns when I have them on. When I take them off, I'm Allen again. All of this, of course, got me thinking about one of the most famous people who could change his identity with just a pair of glasses: Clark Kent.

Of course, we are all like "How the hell does no one notice? All he does is takes his glasses off!" And I think that argument is always going to hold. But think of someone you know who does not wear glasses, jewelry, a uniform and then put these things on them. They, even if for an instant, look like a different person. My customers almost don't recognize me in public because I'm not wearing an apron. This works in the opposite direction as well. Sometimes when we change a physical aspect of someone, we change our perception of that person's identity. Sometimes that person may do the same (I seem to remember an episode of Paranoia Agent where a woman with three distinct personalities all wore different clothes when they surfaced; the idea works in principle).

Maybe the entirety of the DC Universe completely changes their idea of Superman or Clark Kent's idea, though they are one in the same, when he does or does not have glasses on. Maybe Clark is a metaphor for how we can change our own identities by changing our outsides. Put on a pair of glasses, basically something out of your normal, and you can be a different person. Not to escape your reality, for that is impossible. I'm thinking of the much more positive implications of identity changes.

So, until these glasses become a true part of my identity and until I don't need another identity, maybe I'll be Sean. Maybe I'll pretend I'm in another skin and have adventures, because Lord knows I need one.