Heavy Lifting

I just received an email, sent to four other young men in my department, to move the copier in the department back to its original location. While this is fine, the secretaries are asking for help, I have two issues: One, I don't want to do it. Two, she only asked the young men.

Believe it or not, asking men to do heavy lifting or to move heavy things is sexism on two fronts. One, it assumes that men are the only ones capable of doing so and women aren't unless absolutely necessary (read: no men are present). Two, it enlists men to do such a task even if they don't want to (the same as asking women to cook or clean when the same could be asked of men). I know that men and women are built differently, that my body may be more conducive to bigger muscles, and therefore I can understand the intent behind the email.

However, I don't think the women in my life are weak enough to be incapable of heavy lifting; they just aren't expected to. When there weren't any male assistants in the department, the women did the things now asked of us.

The point here is that, even though men have privileges afforded to them in society, sexism hits us, too. However, as I mentioned, this particular form of sexism still affects women. It's more than being asked to do things based on our abilities; sometimes these requests are hinged upon supposed talents, abilities or strength, not actual. To alleviate the effects of sexism, we have to change things around. Instead of assuming a man or woman can or can't do things solely based on their sex or gender, maybe we should work on evidence (which I think the secretary is doing, though if I were scrawny I think I'd still be asked to help out). It's teaching men how to cook, but also giving women the space to do the heavy lifting. Logically, I should no longer feel guilty that a women is doing heavy lifting and I'm not simply because she's a woman, but instead because heavy things are heavy and burdensome to move or lift; it's compassion versus sexism (in the same way that chivalry shouldn't be about men doing things for women because they are women, but because the men are trying to be considerate; women should also offer to do the same for men).

All that being said, I'm still going to move the copier if I can and have the time, even though I don't want to because I know it will help people out. I'm still not deluding myself by ignoring the sexism behind this request and others like it.

Rage

I am reading Dr. Alan Downs' The Velvet Rage for the second time in my life. It is full of insight and revelations for me. It is a quick read and I love what I am learning about myself and my life and how I can change it for the better.

It talks about how to live and cope with being in our world as a gay man. It talks of our difficulties in relationships, how we deal with shame, the fact that we may have shame in the first place, and how to move toward a truly authentic life. I loved it the first time, but I am learning so much more this time. Of the hallmark lessons is that sometimes the pain you experience from interaction with others isn't your fault. Not to say that it is theirs, but definitely to say that you are not to blame.

Sometimes I wonder, know, and wonder again whether I am still dealing with emotional pain from previous relationships. Sometimes the thought of those people fills me with anger, even if I am unable to recall all of the things they said or did. But, it was still refreshing to read that it wasn't my fault. I was not to blame. But, also, that the pain I experienced with them may have been a result of pain they had gone through as well. I'm not relegating my reactions or anything I did to those people. I am fully responsible for those. However, I am saying, and practically refusing, to carry around those wounds forever. Maybe this is my first step at closing those wounds, maybe I have taken the steps before, or maybe I have yet to make such a bold move.

Another thing that sticks out to me, though, is whether or not I have perpetuated any cycles of distress, pain, or invalidation as a result of my own experiences. No, they were not life-ending, threatening, or challenging, but they sure as hell did suck, and they are all I can draw from as far as any kind of psychological trauma is concerned. Still, I do not want to be the agent of pain for someone else at all and especially not because of pain that I had gone through in the past.

So, to someone I know will read this maybe as soon as I post it, maybe in a matter of days, weeks, months, or whatever period of time: I hope that you did not have to suffer because I had been hurt before. I hope that our relationship did not create scars that you will have to live with forever, or for any moment in time. I hope that this post isn't setting you back emotionally or creating any distress. If so, I will gladly take it down and keep it in the private recesses of my mind. Even if we did not work out, we should not have to carry around the pain or invalidation of others. You should never have to be suspicious of another person or relationship because of anything I did, and I truly hope this is not the case. Now is the time for both of us to heal; there should be no deep scars or biting truths. You are, were, and will be a wonderful person, one that needs to and will grow, just the same as me. You can consider this an apology, reconciliation, promise, an urging for you to grow, live long and prosper, and ultimately to heal. There are lessons to be learned and love for ourselves and for others we meet in the future to grow.

We must live truly authentic lives to be happy. Sometimes this means glamour and money, other times it means tranquility and solitude. I want to enhance this process in people's lives, not hinder it. I am going to try my best to make sure that the men that romantically enter my life do not have to suffer any scars at my hands, and I pray to God that no one has by this point. I refuse to be content with the way things were if it has caused someone pain, and will help facilitate healing in any way possible, but I also refuse to let the pain of others interfere with my own healing and acceptance of myself if it does not need to.