Anything Can Change

I cling to the belief that any new person can meet you around any corner, whether he is good or bad. With each new breeze, choice, decision, or moment you can meet someone who will change you life. I use this belief to search for my soulmate, though it is not one of my more healthy beliefs.

It isn't easy to come to terms with feelings of loneliness, let alone make them go away in a healthy manner. When I'm not in a relationship, I'm constantly searching, on the hunt for someone who will make my life just a little bit more worthwhile. The kicker is that, while I feel this is an unhealthy and obsessive behavior, I'm not stupid enough just to jump in bed with any random person to make the loneliness go away. I know what will and won't make me happy. So, the damage is two-fold: I make unhealthy obsessions with likely partners but am not willing to just go along with whatever is thrown my way.

Yes, I believe that anything can change. However, I can also change. I can be happy watching my favorite movies alone or with my roommate or with friends and NOT looking for booty, in simple and almost crude terms. Waiting is worthwhile, it's just also unpleasant. I wish I could take my mind off of it, but it's not easy.

So, what I'm going to do is revel in the feelings I have right now: Of being alone, not lonely, and resting, relaxing, and crying when the best parts of this movie come on.

Dating Myself

Yes, it does sound a bit... Off. But I'm interested in the concept.

I once read in a book, Finding the Perfect Boyfriend, that we should go on dates with our inner boyfriend. It's okay to go out to dinner, to the movies, or stay at home and have a nice romantic date with him. Of course, he is you and you are him and you're both one nice little complete puzzle. He is your key to understanding how to love and appreciate yourself, to being alone, but also to taking steps toward truly loving someone else. You're alone to everyone who can physically see you, but on the inside you're getting in touch with someone and something that may just allow you to have a more fulfilling intrapersonal and interpersonal life.

No, I'm not exactly reeling from my recent breakup, but it has been an event that other events in my life are drawing from. I'm adjusting to being single, not having as many rules, sleeping alone, and just being alone in general. I don't think I've completely learned how to love myself, so every breakup thus far is a reminder that when the love of someone else is not longer present, the love of myself should be sufficient to keep me happy and not wanting to dive into the arms of another man to try to fill whatever I feel is missing in my life.

I miss the transparency; I'm never as honest with my friend or my family as I am with my partner, something that needs to change. I'm the only person who knows why I keep adding guys on Facebook, why I got wasted last week (bad night), why I am constantly searching for someone attractive and male to talk to: because I'm alone, but still lonely. I'm old enough to know that anything I start now could be detrimental to myself and whatever person I'm involved with, but it is still a viable option so that I'm not both alone AND lonely, at least for a little while.

So, I'm going to have a date with myself, to bring myself one step closer to recovery and being happy being alone. I'm going to cook dinner, read a book, get some ice cream, and go to a book store. Because I can and because there are many other things I could do that wouldn't be good for me and end up making me hurt worse. But, also, because I want to love myself, to be happy in my skin and my circumstances.

One day I'll be able to approach someone with the maximum amount of love I can offer because, that day, I will love myself fully and completely. The love of someone else will be a pleasure, a bonus, and a gift.