Get it Together

I don't think it's 'bad' per se that I'm not posting everyday, or on schedule rather. While today's gift is a little hazy, I'm more than certain about yesterday's.

Day Three:
I'm more than thankful for the fact that we begin each new day alive and with the chance to change things. As long as we are alive, we have a chance at a new beginning. This fact, this blessing, is so beautiful. There are times when I wake up when I really do want to start over, reformat or revamp as I like to say. Like recently...

No, it wasn't an easy decision to make. It's still not an easy decision to think about. I smoked a cigarette last night, my more debaucherous behavior while "partying" (pretty softcore, huh?), and it didn't feel good. In fact, that was the most sad I can remember being in a very long time. Thank God I was surrounded by my friends. I couldn't have stayed alone last night. I would've gone crazy. I had to leave, to do something.

I keep hoping that missing him is normal. I'm okay with the idea of making a mistake, but that does not mean that I still want to make a mistake. There were a lot of factors that played into this, and I'm pretty sure I've voiced all of them. Just, going from being used to having a warm and friendly body to wake up with to no one, is jarring. Leaving a party and having no one to go home to, is upsetting. Knowing that things, even if just for a little while, have changed is too much. I can only say sorry, you know? And we'll move on. Those glasses of chardonnay with close friends, those new gyms we join, and all those fuzzy feelings that return (kudos if you know what that's from), well, they'll heal us.

Somehow my iTunes has come through and played on my emotions. It does that sometimes. Perfect playlist for this situation.

I just want you to know more than anything that this is not easy for me. I still miss you. I kinda wish things could go back to where they were, but I'm not sure if that'd be good. I want us to wake up one day and laugh because this was so much better than we even could have thought before. I'm sorry if I hurt you after today, and I think that in some ways is inevitable, unfortunately. And I'm glad you called it a 'mild' breakup, haha, that gave me a little bit of hope that maybe I didn't hurt you as much as I thought I did. I hope you're happy(er) and that you will be happy, because you need and deserve it. I stand by what I said before: watch out for yourself and stay safe, Kid, and you know what I mean. Don't guard yourself to others. The people who matter and care will notice (I can still tell, bee tee dub, when you're hiding something).

And to emphasize our love for the awkward...

We still have A LOT of shit in each others rooms.

Here's a playlist for you:
Get It Together - India.Arie
More Than Anyone - Gavin DeGraw
The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison
Where Do Broken Hearts Go? - Whitney Houston
I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
I Have Nothing - Whitney Houston
Lesson Learned - Alicia Keys
光 (Light) - Utada Hikaru
Sparks - Coldplay
It's Not Over - Daughtry
Girl - Destiny's Child
Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik
This is the Thing - Fink
The Heart of the Matter - India.Arie
Say - John Mayer
In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer
Lentil - Sia
Fast Cars - Tracy Chapman
誰かの願いが叶うころ (When Someone's Wish Comes True) - Utada Hikaru

And...

Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi

Heartbreaker

So, for Day 2:

I'm thankful for the fact that people recover from wounds, and that he's learned how to respect people, even if that means hurting them at first. Whoever said breaking up with people is easy was dead wrong. It's not easy at all, especially when the person you're breaking up with really does deserve the best, but you're not happy. When they treated you right, but you couldn't love them like they love you. To some people, this would be great. I can't lie to myself, or him, like that. One day, we'll recover. He'll stop hating me, we'll talk and be good friends.

It hurts, honestly, but to go back and repeat the same pattern is worthless, and I think we've both realized that.

The thought of being single again is a little exciting, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't, but the thought of repeating this situation is less than exhilarating. But, it was a new experience, and I learned. I just don't know where it fits in the pattern, because it's a new scheme. We'll see...

In the words of Alicia Keys
"Yes, I was burned but I call it a lesson learned
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright..."

Wherever you are right now, I really do hope you're okay.

Cheating

Well, I was suppose to report for duty for day one, but we can pretend this is it. For Lent, what I'm doing this year is giving up being ungrateful and thankless. One primary reason is that I want to enrich my life by emphasizing the positive. So, here's Day 1

Day 1:

My mother is a beautiful lady. Very beautiful. She's giving me love and support, including the type that I thought I'd never get from anyone once I came out. She's been there with me through a lot, and I'm glad that she's someone whom I can truly open up to and receive good advice from. I consider her one of the wisest people I know. For my mother, I give thanks.

Also thankful for:
The fact that I don't live in any worlds with superheroes because we'd not only have the threat of supervillains, but getting our cars smashed
The fact that I have a working car
The chance to wake up in the morning and do the things I love
Creativity

Bloom

Tulips are my favorite flower. They're beautiful and simple. No complex geometry.

I'm taking care of some that Q got me for Valentine's. I change their water every other day, but they're dying. They were closed when I got them, and I wasn't sure what would happen from there. Then, they bloomed, and I never understood the magic associated with life like that. They bloomed and opened up and reached out for something. They're still beautiful, but there's not much I can do to save them. I can keep changing the water, but the stems will still grow weaker, the petals will reach out too far. They'll wither at the leaves, then at the top of the petals, then altogether.

I don't want that to be the significance of our relationship. I don't want them to show how ephemeral all this is. It hurts and, for the while, we aren't together, but I don't want to see my relationship in the dying petals of a beautiful flower, my favorite flower.

I want us to come out of this unscathed, but I do need to be alone for a while.

A while.

That's My Purse!

I'm going to be honest. I don't fight. I can't fight. So if I get into it with another guy, hell yes I'm going to kick him in the nuts!

Let's be honest, if you're fighting, what is fighting fair going to get you? "Oh man, you got your ass stomped, but you fought with honor," or "You got the shit knocked out of you! But you did fight fair..." Like I said, I don't fight. If I get into a situation where I absolutely have to fight, I probably won't fight fair. I'll be remembered as the guy who kicked the other guy in the nuts.

There are some situations where I think honor lies above all, but in this situation, it doesn't. People don't always fight fair. If someone comes at me with a knife, I'm defending my life. A gun, well... If I can fight, I'll do what I can. There is such a thing as senseless fighting, but there are times when you'll actually have to defend yourself. No, getting a swift kick to the nuts wouldn't be pleasant, but getting beat up wouldn't be either.

I'm sorry guys, but I'm a talker and a lover, not a fighter. If it comes down to defending myself, I'm going to do what I can.

Starting Over

Classes are about to officially resume, for me anyway. I'm excited. I'm going to go strong and finish even stronger than I did last semester (one B, but I can do better).

I was perusing a blog, 37 Things to be exact, and I came across a post that mentioned the three words for a new year. I hadn't even thought of that. As I wondered what mine would be, I came to one almost instantly: Swagger. This year, I'm going to exercise my swagger and show everyone just what I've got. I'm going to exude confidence, attraction, and positive well-being. I'll show everyone that I got that mad swagga (so good, I don't even need to be grammatically correct).

My second word, which I found not too soon after, is Fresh. I want to smell fresh, look fresh (ignore the not shaving every now and then), and act fresh. Keep a clean (so to speak) and easy mind. I want to be the embodiment of the colors green and blue: green for fresh fauna, inexperience and youth with the chance and possibility of growth, blue for fluid water, going where God and the world take me, keeping cool and staying calm.

My last word is balance, and this is key. I want to keep balance between the Boo and the friends, keeping my time with everyone I love. Balancing my schedule with love for my family, staying in contact and never letting them forget that I love them. Balance between how I see myself and what I'm showing the world; I can't get too cocky now.

2009 is going to be a good year, and I'm going to keep these words in mind. What are your three?

Gay Elite

Ever since I came of age, I've noticed something about the gay community. As with any social demographic there exists the "elite." Around here, the gay elite is comprised of white males. I'm not usually the first to point out discrimination in anything, but in this situation it's kind of weird. You see pictures from parties or the club and it's the same over tan, pretty, made up white males (with a few exceptions: namely, a couple of unattractive people do make it into the mix, or you have your token asian or black man).

No, I would not consider myself part of a gay elite. In fact, I don't think I'd be happy if I was. The thing here, though, is that the word elite is applied from the outside, as I'm doing now. They may or may not consider themselves elite, but I choose that word because it seems like this exclusive club, a membership I had once wanted but had the good sense to never look after.

I just don't understand it. Is this an issue of race? Black gay boys seem to separate themselves, too, and gay men naturally seem to deny membership, sometimes without even trying, into various social contexts. Maybe it's birds of a feather; like minds and such. I just honestly do not know. I just know that a) it's unsettling and b) I see it everywhere.

I may consider myself attractive but I'm not elite and never will be. I don't belong on a pedestal above anyone else. So, I guess I'm not going to do the same to the pretty white boys with an exclusive membership into some arbitrary idea that has no relevance whatsoever.

They're not elite. They're just pretty, white, and gay. I guess that's it.

This Just In!

So, in the spirit of using the internet waaaay too much, I decided to find instances or examples of people who love dancing in their cars and I found this link:

http://www.37days.typepad.com/37days/2005/05/dance_in_your_c.html

It made so much sense. The author talked about her experience watching a mother and child dance in their car, about how much freedom and joy the woman exhibited. She went on to mention that sometimes when we judge, we open ourselves to judgment. Once we let go of the snide remarks and the negativity, we become free because that judgment matters not.

So, 37 days. I'm going to free myself from my undeserved and unfair judgment of others, thus enabling my own freedom. I'm going to dance in my car and not give a damn what Harry, Bobby, or Sue are wearing or doing.

37 days...

I've Been Waiting All Night...

"To see you dance like me"

I love to dance. A lot. Just not always in front of people. In a club, though usually with someone else, I can get down. And most of the time, I'm dancing in my car.

So, today, after I got off work, in Little Rock, so it would take me about half an hour to get home, I was getting DOWN. Like seriously, singing at the top of my lungs and busting some moves. Speaking of busted, I got caught, twice. Once by some girls whose attention I attracted on the highway and the latter when I got back and was in the parking lot. The second time, I was like "What the hell :)" and just waved, which prompted a confused and "What the hell o.O" look from one of the passengers. That being said, I really didn't care. Just in that mood.

I'm glad that happened because I needed desperately for something to blog about, and I found it.

Birthday!

21!

Finally, haha. I spent the day shopping with the Boo and I was happy to have him as a shopping buddy. I didn't buy a whole lot; two sweaters, a hoodie, a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes, plus random things from Bath and Body Works. I put myself on a budget and I have plenty of money left over from Christmas/Birthday because of it. I'm happy with what I bought though.

It's another year for me and New Years is in four days. It's about time for some proactive change for the rest of my life. I'm looking to develop and cultivate myself for 2009 and better my relationship with myself and others.

I've been blessed, I really have. I'm thankful for so much: friends, family, the Boo, school, shelter, food, clothes, and the means to satisfy wants AND needs. It's been another year, and I'm going strong.

It's Christmas Eve!

I love Christmas. I'm never happier during this time of year.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, or your belief's equivalent, because that's how I roll.

And... I'm pretty sure I'm going to learn the dance to Thriller. Yea :)

Update!

So, it has been a very long while. A few updates:

I beat Crisis Core. It was... Beautiful. I liked having the chance to see what went on before one of my favorite games of all time. I understand VII so much more now. The last scene between Cloud and Zack was amazing. I understand a bit more of Aeris' character, too. There were things I didn't catch during my first play of VII that are a lot more clear now, the relationship between Zack, Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Sephiroth especially.

Q and I are in a relationship. Believe me when I say I didn't see it coming. It's interesting adjusting to the no longer single life. I don't feel that loneliness I felt before. I realize that I don't have all the relationship experience in the world (so I wonder if any of my advice is going to change...), so I'm trying to take this one step at a time, emotionally anyway. We've covered all the other bases.....

Anyway, I'm continuing my venture into 30 Rock. Episode 3 was pretty good. The show is starting to live up to its reputation, and I don't feel myself forcing as many laughs. The pilot almost lost me, but now I'm glad I stayed on. Heroes is almost over for this part of the season and I really just don't know what's going to happen, but I can't wait! I'm about to watch the Total Drama Island Finale. Go Gwen!

I need to keep this regular, and I want to. Here's to trying :)

A Few Things...

So, I'm pretty sure I've reached the one year mark. I was going to make a special anniversary post and everything haha! But, alas, I didn't. The blog has still been here for a year, though. So, woo, one year!

I've started writing in my journal again. I had one from four, yes, four years ago that I barely wrote in. So, it's going to fill up one of these days. I was just so upset over the Q thing that I had to put my feelings somewhere (Remember: I don't always talk to people about my problems). I even started my first post just like Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, because, unfortunately, they are pretty damn close to the truth.

So, I don't know what to do with the blog. The whole reason I started it was to put a voice to some of the things I had been feeling. The journal, though, is a lot more therapeutic.

At any rate, I get to eat lunch with one of my favorite and most dear people in the world: Mama C. Seriously, she's a year younger than me but she has a lot of insight and is able to help me with problems in ways other people can't. I also get to meet up with a new prospect, otherwise known as L. I think today is going to be a good day.

Old friends and a (possibly) new boy

Take Your Sweet Time

I was honest.

I said that I'm constantly trying to reconcile my feelings for him with the fact that we are choosing to be friends. I either want to be around him or by myself. And I don't feel bad.

I'm not always terribly honest about my feelings because I'm scared of being hurt. I'm used to being rebuffed when I say how I feel, and that carries. I'm trying to stop being scared of that outcome though. I could be considered crazy, emotional, or whatever, and that very well could be the case. Still, I don't feel bad.

More than anything, I'm glad I got it off my chest. It was painful; it was a distraction. And, for the most part, it's gone. I have the rest of my day, and life, to live.

There should be no regrets when you say how you honestly feel. And there aren't any.

Breaking Point

I'm a weak and vulnerable human being.

But at least I'm growing to be an open and honest weak and vulnerable human being.

More on that later.

Something Everyone Needs to Know

Psychic Energy

Oooo. Haha, no, nothing mystical, supernatural, or superhuman. Psychic energy involves, basically, energy of the mind, the amount of energy you put into tasks, thoughts, etc.

As an introvert, I draw energy from within and find it taxing to be around too many people for long periods of time. As I've mentioned before, it's hard to be around a small group consistently without going crazy. I need and have to take time for myself to think, to recharge, recoup, relax, that kind of deal.

Tonight, I asked Q if he wanted to go eat with me and he said sure. We get there and I pick a table that, by the time we left, is packed. That's my bad. I like being enclosed, but not surrounded. Anyway, two of our friends come over, which was okay, but I would've preferred just eating with Q unless things like that were established. I'm really weird about that kind of stuff. They had more people with them, whom I didn't really want to eat with, so they had to move, and if I wanted to move, I would've gone with them, but I didn't. So one of the friends is communicating across the way with Q through signals and what not and I found myself pissed. Maybe because the spotlight wasn't on me. At any rate, I almost spoke up and said, "You can go sit with them. I'm not stopping you." Like I said, it just made me angry. So, we leave, and I feel not only angry, but like a freaking puppy dog (completely irrational). So, needless to say, I was very happy when we left.

By the time I got back to my room, I was still slightly angry, and I attribute it to the fact that I may have spent a bit more energy than I intended to in the first place. I expected a quiet dinner alone with a friend and felt like I got the exact opposite. I don't like when I'm around people and I feel like they're paying more attention to people that are around than me. I don't like being around a ton of people to begin with, even if I love Christmas at the mall (remember: enclosed, not surrounded).

Whatever, I'm spending my weekend alone, which was the plan. So, I begin my foray into recharge mode. Hook me up :)

Christianity as a Closet

How many gay men and women have we met that fought their sexuality so long through Christianity? We really can't say, because we don't always know. But what strength lies in hiding your homosexuality inside of Christianity? You open the closet and it's there; staring at you. It's like that sweater you can't take back. It's always lingering somewhere in the back of the closet, no matter how hard you try to tuck it back.

Honestly, I find this counter-intuitive. Extremely. When I was younger, trying to use religion as a means of keeping my sexuality a secret caused me more pain than good. Now, I'm not afraid to tell you that I'm gay AND I believe in God. Sometimes you just have to ask :). Joke aside, whether you choose to adopt a gay lifestyle or acknowledge your sexuality and choose a life of celibacy, I don't see the shame in hiding yourself from you. You have to learn to embrace him or her in everything he or she is, good and bad. It's psychologically healthy. Jung's archetype, the shadow, is everything bad we see about ourselves. We can't move forward if we don't embrace the shadow. This doesn't mean coming out with the intensity of a pride parade, but it does mean looking at yourself and saying "I'm gay" and taking it from there. Once it's over, you realize just how simple that is. I understand that family and friends may react negatively; that is always a possibility. As far as that is concerned, do it when you know it's safe. There's a difference between hiding your whole life and hiding until you can handle it.

I'm a firm believer that God can and will love you, no matter what. I'll see my good atheist and agnostic friends in Heaven, or the lack thereof, just like I'll see my gay friends too. And if there's a huge void when we die, well, we can rest easy into the darkness, but I digress. So, why use something that will cause you pain when you choose to hide in it instead of embracing it with who you are completely?

It took me a while to figure it out, and I made peace with my life. I hope you can find that peace with who you are too.

Love.

Savvy

With the election a little more than a week away, I decided I'd spend some time looking up the candidates. I know it's a little late, but I want to be more than sure about my choice. I've pretty much decided who I'm going to vote for, but he's not who I'm going to research.

That's right, I'm going to hit up some McCain info. I decided that my negative bias towards him isn't founded in any true information, so, why not make sure that it is. You know, keeping enemies closer, and I use that term veeeeeery loosely. That being said, I don't know where to start. Wiki's credibility is shot. I can use that for comics, but for political information I want to know as much as possible from a credible source. Needless to say, I'm not going to look at his campaign site. That's where I started, then quickly realized that any information on him is going to be put in a positive light. It's only going to mention the good things he did, not the things that will piss me off. So, no go.

I think what I'm going to do is just hunt for some stuff, find as much information as possible to, like I said, make sure my decision is the one I am comfortable with.

Spending Time Alone

I keep realizing why it's important for me to take some time for myself and think constructively. I start existing outside myself and handling my problems positively, instead of that emotionally debilitating way.

At a book sale a couple of weeks ago I picked up a book entitled When Am I Going to Be Happy?. Of course, I consider myself a relatively healthy human being, but everyone has their troubles. What I found is it helps to pinpoint your problems to efficiently handle them. I've started to realize a lot of things about myself, as well as think about issues that have been around for a while. I am noticing where the problem starts with me instead of someone else.

Q is the best example. I didn't communicate with him at all yesterday, and at some points I did start to think that he doesn't care if I don't talk to him or he doesn't miss me or what have you. When I thought rationally, I realized that's one day we didn't talk to each other. The harm is...? Absolutely nothing. If he's taking time to be by himself, that's his right. I didn't talk to him either; the mutuality that is communication holds accountability on both sides. Quite honestly, I didn't feel like talking to him. If he felt the same, that's his right. Of course, it's not as easy conquering emotions and trying to think objectively, but I'm learning how.